Blame and Responsibility  

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The weekend was great - kissing, fucking, dancing at Babylon, drinks with the boys at Woody’s, no work, no worries, no nightmares.  Since Brian’s return and the visit with Dr. Bennett, there had been no more bad dreams.  Three days and no Chris Hobbs.  Brian had done his best to reassure Justin and to wear him out so that he would sleep soundly.  It seemed to be working.

 

Dr. Bennett had made an appointment for them with a Dr. Jamison for 4 pm on Monday.  Justin was beginning to wonder if they needed to go.  He knew Brian didn’t want to.  He hated people prying into his life.  Justin too was reluctant to bear his soul to a stranger, especially if it wasn’t really necessary.  He didn’t want to admit his weaknesses to someone new.

 

Justin decided to test the idea of cancelling the appointment.  He called Brian at noon on Monday.  He told him he was just checking in, and wondered if Brian could leave work early enough to make their appointment.  He was hoping it would be a problem, and then he would suggest cancelling.

 

Brian said he had switched a few things around, and would pick Justin up at quarter to four.  Arrangements made, Justin reconciled himself to the fact that they were going to the appointment, for better or worse.

 

When they walked into the office of Dr. Jamison, they looked a bit like two schoolboys being sent to the principal’s office.  There was a combination of nervous anticipation and dread on each of their faces.

 

They were ushered in to the doctor’s office, where a kindly looking middle aged man sat behind a desk.  He stood and motioned for Brian and Justin to take the two armchairs on the opposite side of the desk.

 

Mr. Kinney, Mr. Taylor, I’m Frank Jamison.  If you would like, please call me Frank,” the doctor said by way of introduction.

 

“Brian,” Brian said, shaking his hand.  “This is Justin.”  Justin also shook his hand.

 

“Dr. Bennett told me a little bit about your situation, but I’d prefer if you told me why you’ve come here,” Frank said.

 

Brian cleared his throat.  He looked at Justin who shrugged his shoulders.  Brian said, “We were together, we broke up, we got back together.  Justin’s been having nightmares.  We don’t want to make the same mistakes we made before.”

 

“Very succinct,” Frank said.  “Would you care to elaborate, Justin?”

 

Justin said, “I don’t think so.”

 

Frank looked at him, realizing this wasn’t going to be easy.

 

“So you don’t want to be here, Justin?” he asked.

 

“Not really.”

 

“Then why are you?”

 

“I’ve been having nightmares, but they’ve stopped.  Brian and Dr. Bennett thought this was a good idea.  I don’t think it’s necessary anymore.”

 

So you don’t think this is a good idea?”

 

“No.”

 

“Do you always do what others want, and not what you want?”

 

Justin’s anger flared at that.  “If you are another so-called ‘medical expert’ who’s going to tell me that I’m not standing up for myself, that I don’t speak my mind, then I am leaving.  I’m not putting up with it.”  He stood up, ready to go.

 

“Justin,” Brian said, touching his arm.  Justin sat down, glowering.

 

“Brian, why didn’t you let him go, if that’s what he wants?” the doctor asked.

 

“He knows he can leave any time.  I want him to know I don’t want him to.  What’s wrong with that?”

 

“Nothing, if he really has the choice.”

 

“Stop talking about me like I’m not here,” Justin demanded.

 

“Why are you here, Justin?” Frank asked.

 

“I don’t know.  I’m sick of being a victim, the weak one.  I don’t understand why I was having those nightmares, but I haven’t had one for three nights.”

 

“Do you think you have issues to work out with Brian?”

 

“Probably,,, yes,” Justin admitted reluctantly.

 

“Isn’t that a good reason to be here?” Frank suggested.

 

“I guess so, but it’s not all my fault.”

 

“No one said it was.”

 

“But my nightmares are what got us here.”

 

“So you feel responsible?”

 

“I guess so.”

 

“How do you feel about this, Brian?  You haven’t said much so far,” Frank said.

“I think we had problems communicating the first time we were together, and that caused us to break up.  I don’t want the same thing to happen again,” Brian said matter-of-factly.

 

“Okay, what kind of communication problems?”

 

“Justin wanted things he didn’t express to me.  He did things he didn’t really want to do, but he didn’t say he didn’t want to do them.”

 

“It isn’t all my fault.  You didn’t listen to me when I tried to tell you what I wanted,” Justin said, feeling the need to defend himself.

 

“I know,” said Brian.  “I’ve never been much of a listener, or a talker.  I usually think it’s a waste of time.”

 

“And is this a waste of time?” Frank asked.

 

“The jury’s still out on that one,” Brian said, sticking his tongue in his cheek.  “But I hope not.”

 

“Well, at least that’s somewhat encouraging,” the doctor said.  “Where do you think we should start?”

 

Brian looked at him incredulously.  “Isn’t that what you’re supposed to tell us?”

 

Frank smiled.  “You’d like me to snap my fingers and fix everything right now, wouldn’t you?”

 

“That would be just dandy,” Brian said sarcastically.

 

“I need to know what either, or preferably, both of you want to work on,” Frank said.

 

“The nightmares,” Brian stated.

 

They described the nightmare in detail, and explained Dr. Bennett’s theory about them having unresolved issues that caused Justin to revert back to the bashing in his subconscious.  Dr. Jamison listened intently.  He noticed the way one would fill in bits of information that the other left out.  He noted the concern Brian showed over the bashing and its lingering effects on Justin.  He asked a few questions as they went along, so that by the end of the session, he had a good understanding of their background and their relationship.

 

As they left the office, he thought, “My God, they have been through a lot.  How have they survived this long?  All the odds say they should never have gotten together at all.  They have been through enough traumas to destroy most couples.  Yet they are still together, and prepared to fight to stay that way.  They obviously have profound feelings for one another, but having hurt each other deeply, they are wary and troubled about their future.  There is a lot of work to do, if they are up to it.”

 

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Brian and Justin walked in silence to the Jeep.

 

“What did you think?” Justin asked.

 

“He seems like a nice man, but I’m not sure he can help us.”

 

“Are you going to come back next week?”

 

“Yes. Are you?” Brian asked, studying Justin’s face.

 

“You are?  I’m surprised.  I thought you’d try to get out of it.  He asked some very personal questions.  I’m not sure he is the right person to help us.  I think he’s straight.”

“What does that have to do with anything?”

 

“I don’t know.  I just thought you wouldn’t trust him.”

 

“I trust everyone, until they prove me wrong.”

 

“Like me?”

 

“No, not like you.  Did you hear what I said in there?  I need you.  I’m not giving up on us.  I’m willing to fight to make this work.  I want to trust you, but I don’t know if you trust yourself.  Do you really know that I’m the one you want?  You weren’t so sure a few months ago.  Is that going to happen again?”

 

Justin didn’t know how to answer that.  He thought for a moment, then said, “I don’t know the answer to that.  I’ve told you over and over that you’re all that I want, and I mean it, but I can’t predict the future.”

 

“At least that’s honest, and it’s a starting point,” Brian said.

 

“I feel worse now that before we went in there.”

 

“So do I.”

 

“So what good is it?”

 

“I never thought that digging into this would be easy, but I have this feeling that it’s necessary.  Painful or not.”

 

“Can we go home?” Justin asked.

 

“At least you still want to,” Brian said, climbing into the Jeep.

 

They drove home in silence.  They ate take-out in silence.  They watched TV in silence, each thinking about what had happened, and not knowing what to say.  They undressed and got ready for bed in silence.  When they both slid under the covers, they lay on their backs, staring at the ceiling in silence.

 

Brian turned his head and looked at Justin, just as Justin did the same.

 

“I love you,” Brian said simply, and that was all it took.  Justin dove at his mouth and smothered it with kisses.  His body wrapped around Brian, and he seemed to be trying to inhale him.  Brian held on, trying to breathe amidst the barrage of kisses.

 

Justin heard him laughing and stopped, sitting up, and looking at Brian questioningly.  “What’s so funny?” he asked, offended.

 

“I think I have a new nickname for you,” Brian chuckled.

 

“What now?  Like I don’t have enough nicknames already!”

 

“I’m going to call you Hoover, because you have better suction that any vacuum cleaner.”

 

“That’s not funny!” Justin said, trying not to giggle.

 

“Want to try out your sucking power on something else?” Brian asked, wagging his dick at Justin.

 

Justin grinned.  “Think you can handle it?” he asked.

 

Brian stuck his tongue in his cheek and nodded.

 

Justin put his lips around the head of Brian’s cock and sucked.  It was already hard, but it seemed to lengthen and expand under Justin’s lips.  He ran his tongue along the slit, collecting precum.  He licked up and down the sides of Brian’s cock, spreading precum and saliva.  He sucked on the prominent vein along the side, and Brian writhed in pleasure.  Taking hold of the base of his cock, he slid his lips down to touch his fingers, taking all of Brian down his throat.  He moaned and sucked and rolled his tongue around the shaft.  Then he really began to suck, up and down, rapidly then slowly, working over the shaft and tugging on the tip.  Brian was panting and moaning, barely able to control himself.  Justin worked faster.  He took hold of Brian’s balls and rolled them around with his fingers.

 

“Christ, Justin!” Brian groaned.

 

“Call me Hoover,” Justin said, pausing for a moment.

 

Brian grabbed him and kissed him so intensely, he thought he might faint.

 

“I’m going to fuck you, like I’ve never fucked you,” Brian growled, his voice full of lust.  He flipped Justin over onto his stomach, and grabbed the lube.  He quickly inserted one lubed finger in Justin’s hole.  Justin’s head flew up, and he wanted to scream his pleasure.  “Yes!” he hissed.  Brian added another finger, and crooked it inside, and then Justin did scream, “I want you inside me now!  Fuck me!  Now, Brian!”

 

Brian quickly donned a condom.  He leaned on Justin’s back, positioning the tip of his cock at the pucker.  He whispered in Justin’s ear, “Ready for a wild ride?”

 

Justin gasped, “Ride ‘em cowboy!”

 

Brian laughed, and thrust his cock deep into Justin.  Justin gasped, but rocked back to take everything Brian had to offer.  He turned his head, and Brian kissed him, keeping himself impaled in the warmth of Justin’s hole.

 

Brian pulled back, leaving only the tip of his cock inside.  He plunged back, deeper than before.  Justin grunted and pushed back.  Brian rotated his hips and ground against Justin’s ass.  Justin did the same, causing exquisite friction for each of them.  They both groaned their pleasure.  Brian pushed Justin’s shoulders down and pulled his butt up.  He slammed in, hitting Justin’s prostate.

 

“Oh, God!!” Justin moaned.

 

Brian smiled, his primal sexual grin playing on his lips.  He leaned over Justin, intertwining his fingers with the boy’s.  His thrusts came faster, and Justin met each one with equal force.  They were both panting and gasping.  Brian grabbed Justin’s cock and pulled in time with his thrusts.  He saw flashes of light behind his closed eyelids, and then he was coming, like he rarely had before.

 

He felt like the world stopped spinning, and time stood still.  The next thing he knew, he was on top of Justin, trying to open his eyes.

 

“Fuck!!” he gasped.  “Are you all right, Justin?”

 

“I think I just died!” Justin said.  “I saw white light.  Are we at the Pearly Gates?”

 

“More likely the Gates of Hell for me,” Brian said.  “Shit!  That was ... cosmic!”  He couldn’t think of a better word.

 

“You’re going to kill me one of these times,” Justin breathed, “but I’ll die a happy man.”

 

“Me too!” Brian said.  “How can it keep getting better?”

 

“I don’t know,” Justin said, “but it does.  I hate to ask, but can you move?  My cock’s trapped at a funny angle, and it hurts.”

 

Brian slowly rolled off of him.  Justin turned over and welded his mouth on Brian’s, kissing, sucking, biting Brian’s lips, dueling with his tongue.  Brian responded in kind.  After a few minutes of these intense kisses, Justin slid down Brian’s body, and laid his head on Brian’s chest.

 

“Hoover,” Brian said.

 

“What?” Justin giggled.

 

“These kisses have consequences.”

“What do you mean?”

 

“My dick got hard while you were kissing me.”

“Already?” Justin asked.

 

“It’s your fault.  You’ll have to do something about it,” Brian said solemnly.

 

“Vacuums ‘R Us!” Justin cried, and attacked Brian’s cock.

 

Hours later they were finally sated.

 

“I thought seeing Dr. Jamison was a real downer,” Justin said, “but if it leads to sex like this, let’s go every day!”

“Christ, that would kill us for sure!” Brian averred.

 

Justin chuckled.  “Have I told you lately that I love you?”

 

“Isn’t that a song?”

 

“Huh?”  Justin didn’t recognize it.

 

“An old song.”  Brian looked annoyed.  He still hated when things like this reminded him of their age difference.

 

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The week progressed reasonably well.  They talked occasionally, but still avoided topics that seemed too dangerous.  On the surface they were happy, but both knew there were problems to be dealt with, and their next appointment with Dr. Jamison loomed large.

 

Justin was worried.  He didn’t see how dredging up every aspect of their lives could possibly solve anything.  And Brian’s attitude, volunteering to go to these sessions, was so hard to fathom.  He did believe that Brian wanted things to work out between them, but was this the way to facilitate that?  He didn’t think so.  He was sure it would all end up being his fault.  He had fucked and lied and left.  Of course it was his fault.  He wasn’t sure he could face that, and Brian’s blame that went along with it.

 

Brian wondered about these sessions.  He knew they were iffy at best.  He didn’t trust shrinks, but Dr. Bennett had pointed out some things that he hadn’t thought about.  Maybe Dr. Jamison, Frank, could so the same.  He smiled.  Frank seemed like the kind of father he never had, but would have wanted.  He had gotten a good feeling from the man.  He seemed non-judgmental, but frank, like his name.  He seemed very fair, didn’t waffle, and didn’t take crap.  To Brian these were good qualities.  He was willing to go to a few sessions and see what happened.  He wondered if Justin was so willing.  He had seemed worried and defensive during the first session.  He probably thinks he’s going to get all of the blame.  He shouldn’t feel that way, because it took both of us to destroy things.  He’d have to remember to say that during the session.  At least half the blame was his.

 

Monday afternoon at four rolled around pretty quickly.  They met at Dr. Jamison’s office.

 

Frank called them in.  They sat in the same chairs. 

 

“Any nightmares?” he asked.

 

“No.” Justin shook his head.

 

“That must be a relief.”

 

“It is, but it makes me wonder why we’re here, if I’m not having them anymore.”

 

“So, you still don’t want to be here.  I thought we went over this last time,” Frank pointed out.

 

“We did,” said Brian, “and we’re both going to try to make this work.”  Brian looked pointedly at Justin.

 

“Okay,” said Justin.

 

“How was your week?” Frank asked.

 

“We nearly called to get an appointment for every day,” Brian said, smirking.

 

“Brian,” said Justin, swatting his arm.

 

“Did I miss something?” Frank asked, noting the smirks.

 

“No,” Justin said.  “We had a pretty good week, but we didn’t talk too much.”

 

“But you used other forms of communication?” asked Frank, with a twinkle in his eye.

 

“Sex has never been a problem with us.  It’s the stuff in between sex,” Brian clarified.

 

“I see,” said Frank. “So what part of the in between stuff should we work on?”

 

“I think Justin needs to know that he’s not the only one to blame for everything that happened.  I accept at least half the responsibility.”

 

Justin looked at him and grinned.  “I can’t believe you did that.  I’ve been worried that it was all my fault, and that I’d be blamed for everything.  But it is mostly my fault.  I’m the one who cheated.”

 

“But I forced you into it, by not being more aware of what was happening.  I didn’t listen to you,” Brian said.

 

“I know, but it was my fault.  I left.”

 

“Christ, we sound like Melanie and Lindsay,” Brian said.  They both laughed at the thought.

 

“Who are Melanie and Lindsay?” Frank asked.

 

“They’re a lesbian couple.  Lindsay is the mother of my son, Gus.  By artificial insemination,” Brian clarified.

 

“I see.  Do you have contact with your son?”

 

“Yes, I see him every now and then, and occasionally he stays over with us,” Brian said.

 

“How do you feel about that, Justin?”

 

“I love Gus.  He was born the night we met.  When I saw Brian with his baby, I knew he was a special man,” Justin stated.

 

“Even then?  I was pretty shitty to you for a long time.”

 

“But you’ll notice that it didn’t deter me.  I told you I was on to you, and I was.  I saw the side of you with Gus that you hide from everyone else.”

 

“Is that who you fell in love with, Gus’ father?” Frank asked.

 

“Yes, but also Brian Kinney the stud of Liberty Avenue, and Brian Kinney advertising exec, and Brian Kinney selfish asshole.  I love all aspects of Brian Kinney.”

 

“That’s quite a statement, Justin,” Frank observed.

 

“I mean it!” Justin stated with conviction.

 

“You’re making me blush,” quipped Brian, feeling this was getting way too heavy.

 

“My guess is not much makes you blush, Brian,” Frank observed.

 

Brian stuck his tongue in his cheek and tried to look unconcerned.

 

“How did you feel about Justin?” Frank asked.

 

“I thought he was an annoying brat.  He was much too young to know what he wanted.  I kept pushing him away, but he wouldn’t go.  He made me feel special, not the heartless shit I had convinced everyone I was.  Sex with him was, is, fantastic.  We are very good for each other in a lot of ways, but sometimes we’re bad for each other too.”

“Bad?  How?” Frank wanted to know.  So did Justin by the look on his face.

 

“He expects things from me that I can’t give him, and vice versa.”

 

“What things?”

 

“He wants me to be romantic and sentimental and say I love you all the time.  That’s not me.  I can’t do it.”

“Yes, you can,” said Justin, holding up his sunshine pendant from around his neck.

 

Brian did blush then.  “Oh, yeah,” he said quietly.

 

Frank watched the interplay.  He sensed they wouldn’t want him to pursue the significance of the pendant, at least not until he knew them better.  “And what do you expect from Justin that he can’t give you?”

 

“I expect him to back off when I’m not ready to do something.  He usually won’t.”

 

“But you’ve known that from the beginning.  He wouldn’t leave when you told him to go.  He didn’t back off, then or now.”

 

Brian thought for a minute.  “You’re right.  That’s part of what was annoying and intriguing about him.  He had this absolute certainty that we were meant to be together.  He doesn’t have that anymore.”

 

“Are you sure?’ Frank asked.

 

Brian thought about it.  “That’s what happened when we broke up.  He stopped pushing, stopped making me listen, stopped challenging me to be better.  He found someone else who would be romantic and sentimental, without having to fight with him to be that way.”

 

“But it didn’t last,” Frank observed.

 

“No.  I guess easy isn’t always better.”

 

“So why did he come back to difficult?” Frank asked.

 

“I can answer that,” said Justin.  “I came back because I realized what I had lost.  I never felt anything close to what I feel with Brian.  Ethan, the person I was with, did his best, but he wasn’t Brian.  He was romantic and loving, but that didn’t challenge me the way Brian did.  I saw my mistake pretty quickly, but the damage was done.  I lost Brian’s trust.  It had taken me over a year to gain that trust, and I threw it away in a few short weeks.  I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to get his trust back again.”

 

“Is that really the issue then?  Trust?” Frank asked.

 

They looked at each other and both nodded.

 

“Well, now we know what we’re dealing with!  If it took you a year to get Brian’s trust the first time, why would you think you could have it back so quickly now?  After the betrayal and the break-up, it may take much longer than before to earn that trust again.”

 

Justin looked horrified.  “More than a year?” he gasped.

 

“You’re going to have to prove your commitment, over and over again,” Frank stated clearly.  “Are you up to that?”

 

“I think so.  No, I know so!  I’m not giving up.  I will get Brian’s trust back.”

 

“That’s the Justin I know ... and love!” Brian said.

 

Justin smiled.

 

“On that cheery note, let’s stop for today,” said Frank.

 

They left the office and went down to the Jeep.

 

“Want to go for Italian?” Brian asked.

 

“Sure,” said Justin, getting into the car.

 

“I think we have a lot to talk about.”

 

“You do?”

 

“Umm Hmmh,” Brian said.

 

“I thought this shrink business was going to be a disaster, but I have to tell you, you made me so happy and relieved with what you said today.  We need to go to these sessions so that we say these things to each other.  We wouldn’t say them without Frank asking the right questions.”

 

“That’s true,” said Brian.  “I knew I liked him.  He’s very perceptive.  Did you notice how he didn’t pursue the meaning of the pendant?  He knows when to back off.”

 

“Yeah.  He seems to know where to push and when not to.”

 

“Do you know that all the things I said you wanted from me, and I couldn’t give you, I’ve given you?” Brian said.  “And the things I wanted from you, that you couldn’t give me, you have.  The one big issue seems to be trust, and we have to prove that day by day.”

 

“One day at a time.”

 

“Right.  I can do it, if you can.”

 

“I can.  I’m certain.”  Justin grinned.  Brian smiled back.  “So you found me intriguing, did you?” Justin asked, remembering the word Brian had used.

 

“I couldn’t believe that a very cute blond twink, apparently smart, 1500 SAT, artistic and creative, could be stupid enough to want to be with me, permanently.  I found that very intriguing.”

 

“Asshole,” said Justin.  “I wasn’t stupid.  I knew you better than you knew yourself.”

 

“That’s probably true.  I was playing a game that had taken me many years to develop.  I lived in the moment, rarely thought about the future or the consequences of my actions.  You changed all that.”

 

“For the better?” Justin asked hopefully.

 

“That remains to be seen, but if I had to bet on it, I’d say yes.”

 

Justin kissed Brian’s cheek as they arrived at the restaurant.  “I have a very special evening planned for you Mr. Kinney.  Let’s have a big dinner, because you’re going to need a lot of stamina,” Justin whispered lustfully.

 

Brian grinned.  These shrink visits certainly had unexpected benefits.  He hoped the restaurant service was swift, because he couldn’t wait for the special evening to get under way. 

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