Of Doubts amd
Dreams
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The morning after their “dinner”
at Emile’s, the alarm woke them much too soon.
“Shit!” said Brian, slapping the
alarm to shut it off.
“Morning, sexy,” Justin said, snuggling
against Brian.
Brian
groaned. “I’m
beat. How many times did we
get off last night?”
“We were fast approaching that
trillion,” Justin giggled.
“Unnh, I’m a wreck,” Brian
moaned, “and I have to pack for
Boston. Ten o’clock
flight. Will you be all
right?” He brushed his
fingers through Justin’s hair.
“Let’s have a shower, and then
I’ll help you.” Justin
smiled at him.
“Just a shower!” Brian said
emphatically, but Justin knew better.
The shower was one of their favorite places to have sex, and it was
this morning too.
When they finally came out, Brian said,
“Brat! You’re going
to make me late.” However,
at the same time he grabbed Justin and kissed
him. “Are you sure you’ll
be all right while I’m gone?”
“I’m
sure. I was fine last
night.”
“You were too worn out by our exertions
to dream,” Brian smirked.
“Speak for yourself,” Justin
teased. “I was barely
tired.”
“Liar,” Brian chuckled, kissing
him again.
“Come on,” said
Justin. “Get dressed, pick
the clothes you want to take, and I’ll pack them for
you.”
They were done in ten
minutes. They grabbed a glass
of juice before they rushed out.
Justin drove Brian to the airport, and dropped him off with assurances
that he would be fine. He hoped
that was true.
Brian watched him drive off, wondering if
he should catch a cab and stay in
Pittsburgh. That little voice
whispered of desertion in times of trouble.
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At 10 pm the phone
rang. Justin answered
immediately. “Brian,”
he said, “I miss you.”
“Miss you
too. Where are
you?”
“Sitting on the bed,
sketching.”
“Was everything all right
today? No
problems?”
“No
problems. I’m
fine.”
“Good, then how about some phone sex,
since you’re already in bed.”
“You don’t waste any time beating
around the bush.”
“This is long distance, you know,”
Brian joked. “Besides,
I’m going to be beating something else, since you’re not here to
help me.”
“Poor baby,” Justin
said. “I’ll do my
best to help you from here. What
are you wearing?”
“The blue silk
robe.
You?”
“Nothing.”
“Shit!
Did you start without me?”
“Only
once. I couldn’t
wait. When I sat on the bed and smelled you on the sheets and
pillows, my dick got hard, and I had to relieve
myself.”
Brian
chuckled. “Hmm, my scent
will set you off. I’ll
have to remember that for future reference.”
“What do you
mean? I’m just lonely,
that’s all.”
“So am
I. God, I wish you were
here.”
“Me
too. Take off your robe and
rub it across your chest.”
Brian did as Justin
said. The soft silk felt
good. Brian
groaned.
“Are we making progress?” Justin
asked.
“If you mean, is my dick
hard? The answer is
yes. It was, as soon as I heard
your voice,” Brian admitted.
“Hmm, my voice will set you
off. I’ll have to remember
that for future reference,” Justin said, parroting Brian’s
words.
“Brat!” Brian said,
laughing.
“Flick the robe over your dick and pull
it back slowly,” Justin ordered.
Brian obeyed. Justin
heard him groan again.
“Seems like we need to get some serious help for
you.”
“Please, Doctor Justin,” Brian
said.
“Oooh, I love it when you
beg.”
“I’m begging,” said
Brian. “What state are
you in?”
“My dick’s dripping, and it’s
twitching every time you speak.”
“Fuck, I want to suck it.”
“And I want you to. Imagine
I’m there, my mouth around the tip of your cock, spreading the precum
around.”
“I love the feel of your lips.
I’ll do the same for you.
You taste so good. Oh,
God, Justin,” Brian moaned into the phone.
“I’m licking your balls, and sucking
on one, then the other.”
“My mouth takes you in, all the way
down my throat.”
“Oh,
Brian! I can feel
it.”
Both men worked their dicks, hands sliding
up and down, faster and faster.
“I’m coming,” Brian
gasped.
“Me too,” Justin
moaned.
They both shot their loads, falling back
against their pillows.
“That felt good,” Brian said. “Are you ready to sleep now?”
“I think so, but I still miss you.”
“I miss you
too. One more night and I’ll
be there.”
“You better be. Loaded and ready.”
Brian laughed.
“Later,” he said.
“Later,” Justin replied, and pushed
the end button.
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Justin opened the loft
door. He felt something was
very wrong.
“Brian,” he
called. There was no
reply.
He could feel his heart start to pound, and
he tried to breathe, but breaths were
difficult. He turned back toward
the loft door, but a figure holding a baseball bat filled the
doorway. The figure stepped forward, raising the
bat. It was Chris
Hobbs. He swung the bat at
Justin’s head.
“NO!” Justin screamed, sitting
bolt upright.
He reached for Brian, but the bed was
empty. He trembled uncontrollably
from head to toe. His breathing
was shallow and labored. He
felt like his chest was going to
explode. Tears rolled down his
face, and he clutched his knees to his chin.
“No, no, no,” he moaned, as he
rocked back and forth.
After a long while he collapsed onto his
side and curled up in a fetal position.
He continued to cry and whimper, not knowing how to make the hurt
go away. Much, much later he
fell back to sleep, exhausted, to dream no more this
night.
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Brian called at 10 pm the next
night. Justin tried to sound
upbeat when he answered, but Brian could hear something strained in his
voice. “Did you have a
nightmare last night?” he asked.
Justin
sighed. “I’m fine,”
he said.
“You don’t sound
fine. I can hear something in
your voice. Was it the same
nightmare or a different one?”
“Same.” Justin gave
in.
“Shit! I knew I shouldn’t have left you.”
“I’m all right. It
shook me up a bit, but I eventually got back to
sleep.”
“Why don’t I talk you to sleep
right now?” Brian volunteered, knowing Justin would not have slept much
after the nightmare.
“What?
No phone sex tonight?”
“No. You need your rest. Are you in bed?”
“Yes.”
“Naked?”
“Yes.”
“Shit! I shouldn’t have asked that.”
Justin giggled. Brian could
always make him feel better, or worse, or ecstatic, or
horrible. Brian made him feel everything and
anything. He
frowned.
“Justin, are you
there?”
“Huh, yeah.”
“Lie down and get
comfortable.”
“It’s hard when you’re not
here.”
“I’m hard
too.”
“I thought you said no phone
sex.”
“Maybe we could do that first.”
“Sounds good. I’ve
been hard and playing with myself since before you
called.”
“Before?” Brian
asked.
“Anticipation,” Justin
said.
Brian
chuckled. “So how have
you been playing, little boy?”
“Well, sir, I’ve been running my
fingers up and down my cock, imagining they were your
lips.”
“Naughty
boy!” I’m going to
have to take you in hand.”
“Oh please, sir,” Justin
giggled.
“I’m sucking the tip, and licking,
and blowing over the head. My
lips are sliding up and down along the side, and then I take you all in,
and hold you there, hot and protected.”
Justin groaned.
“Now my lips suck up to the tip and
release you. I’m moving
down to your balls. They are
so warm and tasty in my mouth.
I’m rolling them around my
tongue.”
“Brian,” Justin
groaned.
Brian’s own hand was working his cock
faster and faster as he spoke. “Now back to your
dick. My mouth surrounds it
and sucks up slowly, then plunges down.
Up and down, sucking the tip each
time. I’m getting ready
to come. How about you, baby?”
Brian asked.
“Oh, yes!”
“Good
baby. A few more firm strokes,
and yes!”
They both came within seconds of each
other. No words were spoken
for a couple of minutes.
“Whew!
That was awesome, Brian!
But I wish you were here to hold me now.”
“Me
too. Now turn on your side,
and imagine I’m against your back.
My arms are around you, holding you
tight. I’m rubbing slow
circles on your chest. Close
your eyes. Feel my breath on
your neck. Breathe slow and
deep. I’ll be home tomorrow
at one. You can pick me up and
I’ll hold you like this tomorrow night, and every
night. Sleep well,
Baby!”
“Night, Brian.” Justin hung up,
yawning and scrunching down into the
bed. He was soon fast asleep.
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Justin opened the loft
door. He expected Brian to be
there, but he wasn’t. He
felt tense. Something was
wrong.
“Brian,” he called, but he knew
no one would answer.
His breathing sped up and he turned to
run. The figure loomed in the
doorway. He saw the bat being
raised, as Chris Hobbs stepped into the loft.
“NO!” Justin screamed, and the
bat came toward his head.
Justin sat up, sweating and
panting. He couldn’t get
a proper breath. He reached
over and grabbed Brian’s pillow.
He buried his face in it.
“Brian,” he cried, “I’m
so scared! I need
you!”
He clutched the pillow to his chest and rocked
back and forth, tears rolling down his
face. He could feel himself
trembling. What could he
do? He looked at the clock, 4
am. He wanted to call Brian,
but he knew it would upset him. He
had a 7:30 meeting before he went to the airport.
He picked up the phone and dialed Emmett’s
number.
“Hello,”
a sleepy voice said.
”Emmett, it’s Justin,” he
said weakly.
“What’s wrong?” Emmett asked,
hearing the fear in Justin’s voice.
“I had a
nightmare. I’m scared and
Brian’s in Boston. Could
you come over? I’m really
rattled.”
“Twenty minutes,” Emmett said and
hung up.
The buzzer rang fifteen minutes later, and
Justin let Emmett in. When he
opened the loft door, he threw himself at
Emmett. Emmett folded him into
his arms and held on. Gradually
Justin stopped shuddering.
“Thank you for coming,” Justin
sighed.
“No problem, baby,” he said, walking
him up to the bedroom. “Lay
down,” he said. “You
need to rest.”
“Lay beside
me. I need you to touch me so
that I know you’re here.”
Emmett laid down behind him, and ran his
hand up and down Justin’s arm. He heard Justin sigh and choke back a
sob.
“Poor kid,” he
thought. “I wonder what’s
going on?”
He continued rubbing gently on his arm, his
back, his chest. Soon Justin’s
breathing indicated that he was asleep.
Emmett kept rubbing for a while, yawning himself.
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Brian opened the loft door at 8
am. He had cancelled his meeting,
having scored the account the day
before. They could sign the
papers without him. He had caught
the 6 am flight, knowing that Justin might need him.
He walked up the steps to the bedroom to
see Justin in bed with Emmett draped all over him.
“What the fuck?” he
said.
Both men sat up, blinking and looking around
in confusion.
“Brian,” they each
said.
“What’s going on?” Brian wanted
to know.
“Nothing,” they each
said.
“This doesn’t look like
nothing. What are you doing
here, Emmett?”
“Justin called me early this
morning. He’d had a nightmare
and didn’t want to be alone.
I came over to keep him company and I fell
asleep.”
“Nightmare?
Are you all right, Justin?” Brian asked.
“I am
now. What time is
it? I was supposed to pick you up.”
“It’s 8:30 in the
morning. I caught an early
flight.”
“8:30.
Shit! I have to go or
I’ll be late for work,” Emmett said, getting up from the
bed. Brian gave him a look,
but Emmett bent and kissed the top of Justin’s
head. “Bye, baby,”
he said.
“Thanks, Emm,” Justin said, as
Emmett made his way to the door.
“Yeah, thanks, Emm!” Brian said,
giving him an unpleasant glare.
Emmett beat a hasty retreat, slamming the
loft door behind him.
Brian looked at
Justin. “Explain,”
he said.
Justin feared this would not go well, but
he began, “I had the same nightmare and woke up about 4
am.”
“Why didn’t you call
me?”
“I didn’t want to worry
you.”
“But you were scared enough to call
Emmett?”
“I just wanted someone with
me.”
“Justin, what’s going
on? Why are you having these
nightmares now?”
“I don’t know,” Justin said,
starting to tear up. “I
wish I could prevent them, but I
can’t. They scare
me.”
“They scare me too, because of what
they do to you.”
“Brian, come here please,” Justin
almost whimpered.
He couldn’t be mad when he heard the
pain in Justin’s voice. He
moved to the bed and sat down beside Justin, enfolding him in his
arms. Justin leaned his head
against Brian’s chest and held on.
He sighed deeply.
“I’m here now,” he said, kissing
the top of Justin’s head.
Justin clung to
him. He wanted to beg him never
to leave again, but he was afraid to say
that. He knew it was an unreasonable
request, but that was all he wanted.
“I think you need to talk to someone
about these dreams,” Brian said.
“They’re so frequent and you’re a
mess.”
“I’ll be all right now that
you’re back,” Justin said, not wanting anything more to do with
doctors.
“What about calling Dr.
Bennett? She counseled you after
the attack.”
“She helped a bit, back then, but I
don’t know.” Justin
sighed.
“We have to do something to stop
this.” Brian sounded firm
about that.
“All
right. Call her,” Justin
gave in.
Brian was able to get an appointment for
Justin at 7 am the next day. The
doctor remembered Justin and had agreed to come in early to see him, before
any of her regular patients arrived.
They were lucky that she was willing to do that.
“I wish it was today,” Brian
said.
“I wish it was
never. I don’t want to
do this. I should be all
right. I hate being weak, and
having people feel they have to look after
me. Especially
you!”
“Justin, getting help isn’t
weakness. We need to sort this
out.” He looked at
Justin’s sad face.
“Let’s go shopping, and buy something spectacular so that
we can go dancing tonight.”
“Don’t you have to
work?”
“I’ll call in, and make sure those
papers got signed, and then we’ll take the rest of the day
off.”
“We’ll?” he
repeated. He liked the sound
of that, and maybe shopping would take his mind off the nightmare and the
impending doctor’s visit.
And, any time spent with Brian was a bonus.
They had a good
day. They bought new outfits
to go clubbing that night, had a great Italian meal for dinner, and turned
a lot of heads when they arrived at Babylon in their new
duds. They danced to exhaustion,
came home early, and fucked each other’s brains
out. Sleep was not a
problem.
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Justin opened the door to the
loft. He called for Brian, but
knew he wouldn’t get an answer.
His anxiety escalated, and he started to
feel the pain in his chest, as his breathing became
labored.
He turned back toward the door, and saw the
figure that loomed there.
No,” he
whimpered.
“No.”
The figure stepped
forward. It was Chris
Hobbs. He raised the bat and
swung.
Justin
screamed. Hands grabbed him
and held him tight. He heard
Brian’s voice telling him it was all right, and he finally opened his
eyes, fighting his way to wakefulness.
He looked at Brian’s worried face and started to cry.
“Why?
Why?” he asked, bewildered.
“Same thing?” Brian
asked.
Justin nodded, holding on for dear
life.
Brian said, “I’m here. Don’t
be scared. I’m not going
to leave you. It’s all
right.”
Justin wished that were true, but he didn’t
think it was.
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Brian went with Justin to the
appointment. He wanted to make
sure that Justin went, even if he couldn’t go in with
him. He’d go to work
afterwards. When they arrived
at the doctor’s office, she showed them in herself, her receptionist
not arriving for another hour. She said Brian could be part of the discussion, if Justin
wanted that. He
did.
They told her what had been
happening. Justin described
the dream, and Brian told her about their theory that Justin was afraid to
be left alone.
The doctor took it all in, and wrote some
notes. Then she asked,
“Justin, do you think Brian’s trip triggered
this?”
“I can’t think of anything else,”
he said.
“No other traumas in the last
while?”
Justin looked at Brian, who
nodded. Justin began, “Brian
and I broke up a few months ago. I
cheated on him and lied to him, and he pushed me
away. I lived with someone else
for awhile.”
“But you’re back together
now?”
“Yes.”
“Is everything all right between you?”
she asked, looking from one to the other.
“I think so,” Justin
said.
“That’s not a ringing
endorsement,” she said.
“We’re still working things out,”
Brian said.
“We hurt each other a
lot. It was mostly my
fault. I was a fool,” Justin
admitted.
“And you, Brian?” the doctor
asked.
“We’re here about Justin, not
me,” he stated.
“But you’re a big part of
Justin’s life. Have you
come to terms with what happened?”
Brian looked at
Justin. He wanted to reassure
the boy and say yes. The little
voice in his head said, “Tell the
truth.” He looked back
and forth between them. Justin
looked worried.
“I’m trying to come to terms with
it,” he admitted.
“Which means you haven’t?”
she asked.
“Not
exactly.” Justin looked
hurt.
“I’ve been worried that you
didn’t really trust me,” Justin
admitted. “How could you,
after everything I did?” He looked to be on the verge of tears.
Brian had to say something to console
him. He didn’t want to
hurt him. “It’s not
that I don’t trust you. I
am so glad to have you back. I
need you, and
... I love you,”
he confessed. Justin smiled
a little bit at his words.
“But?” the doctor
pursued.
Brian
sighed. “But I still have
some doubts. I’ve changed
many things in my life to be with
Justin. When he left, I felt
betrayed and the pain was unbearable.
I tried to go back to my old life, and I found that I had lost it
too. I don’t think I could
stand it if I lost him again. I
don’t know what I would do.”
“You’re not going to lose me,”
Justin affirmed.
Brian took his
hand. “I believe you now,
but I worry about the future.”
Justin shook his head, looking
miserable.
“Did you know this, Justin?” the
doctor asked.
“Not
exactly. I knew things weren’t
the way they used to be before we broke up, but I was hoping they’d
be better. Brian’s been
great. We talk about a lot of
things that we never discussed before.
I guess, deep down, I feared that Brian didn’t really believe
I was back to stay. I’ve
been trying to prove to him that I’m where I want to be, and I’m
not leaving.”
“Do you believe that, Brian?” she
asked.
“I try
to. Most of the time, I think
I do, but there’s a little voice in my head that keeps saying, ‘Be
careful. It may not work
out.’”
“That’s understandable,” she
said. “That’s
self-preservation. You’re
warning yourself not to go faster and farther than you’re able to deal
with.”
Brian looked
surprised. “You mean it’s
not just doom and gloom? Me
being a pessimist?” Brian asked.
“You have valid reasons to be apprehensive
after what happened. You can’t
just turn around and trust someone who hurt you, with no misgivings,”
she said logically.
Brian seemed to be processing
this. Then he said, “But
what does this have to do with the nightmares?”
“Think about it for a
minute. You’re leaving
on a business trip, operative word
‘leaving’. Justin
doesn’t have your complete trust, which is, as I said,
understandable. He’s worried
about you being away and what you’ll
do. Will you even come
back? His mind conjures up the
worst time of his life, being bashed by Chris
Hobbs. In the dream he’s
looking for you in the loft, but you’re not there, and then Chris Hobbs
hits him. He still does not
remember the actual bashing, but he is putting the three people involved
in it in a new scenario.
That’s often how the subconscious deals with fears.”
“That makes sense,” said
Justin.
“But how does this help stop the
nightmares?” Brian asked.
“Knowledge always helps, but there are
no guarantees. It sounds like
you two still have issues that need to be discussed, and agreed
upon. It will take time and
effort to rebuild trust.”
“So it really doesn’t have anything
to do with Chris Hobbs?” Justin wanted to know.
“I don’t think
so. If it was issues with him,
it would have happened sooner. I
think you’ve both put that behind
you.” They both
nodded. “It’s the
break-up and the fallout from that that appears to be at the centre of the
problem.”
“What do we do about that?” Brian
asked.
“Keep
talking. When things bother
you, either of you, say so. Get
it out in the open. You both
need reassurances from each other.
You’ve been hurt, and you need to help each other
heal.”
“That’s what we said we were going to do when we got back together,” Justin said. “We spent a lot of time talking before we moved back in together.”
“That’s good,” said the doctor, “but have you kept it
up?”
Brian and Justin looked at each
other. Each shook his
head.
Brian said, “Not
really. We’ve kind of fallen
back into our old patterns.”
“That led to the break-up?” Dr.
Bennett asked.
“Yes,” said
Brian.
“Remember McDonalds?” Justin
said. Brian looked at him, not
understanding. “You were
teasing me, but at the same time you told me to speak up and tell you what
I wanted. Ironically, that’s
what the doctor is saying now, to both of
us. I had stopped doing that,
because I didn’t want to upset you or cause trouble between
us.”
Brian had to
agree. They talked very little
about their feelings or needs.
They were happy to be back together, and the fucking was great as
always. They didn’t want
serious conversations to cause ripples, if not waves, in the seeming calm
of their lives. He looked at
Justin who seemed to have reached the same conclusion.
“We do need to talk more,
Brian. Even if it’s not
your favorite thing,” Justin said.
Brian
nodded. “If it will stop
these nightmares, I’m willing.”
“That’s not the best reason I’ve
ever heard to have these discussions, but at least you’re willing to
do it,” Dr. Bennett said.
“Do you think there will be more
nightmares?” Justin asked.
“I can’t say for
sure. You may still be suffering
post traumatic stress, and you haven’t resolved the doubts that each
of you has about this relationship, so there is a possibility that they may
continue. You will need to deal
with these issues before the nightmares will stop
completely.”
“What should I do?” Justin
asked.
“I can refer you to a relationship counselor
who might be able to help you converse freely and discuss the trust issues
you both have.”
Justin groaned, “Not another
doctor!”
“If it’s necessary, then we’ll
do it,” Brian said.
Justin looked at him in
surprise. He knew Brian hated
shrinks more than he did. He
couldn’t believe Brian was volunteering to
go. Did he think they were in
that much trouble? Did he feel
Justin was beyond his ability to help
him? Justin didn’t like
either possibility. Since he
had been told to speak his mind, he decided he wanted an answer to that
question.
“Brian, why are you willing to go to
someone? I know you hate
shrinks.”
“Because I want you back, healthy and
happy, not haunted.” He
looked tenderly at Justin.
“I also realized I do have doubts that I have been trying to
ignore. Look what happened to
us the last time we got out of sync and stopped
communicating. I don’t
want that to happen again.”
“I love
you.” Justin
smiled.
Brian smiled
back. “Me
too.”
“That was excellent, gentlemen,”
the doctor said. They looked
at her. “You expected something
much worse from Brian’s answer, didn’t you,
Justin?” He nodded.
“See how communication clarifies, and not always, but often,
makes you feel better.”
Justin smiled at
her. “Thanks,
Doctor. I do feel better.”
“Let’s arrange an appointment with
that counselor,” she said, rising and indicating that the session was
over.
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Brian went to work after dropping Justin
off at school. He didn’t
really want to discuss his private life with a stranger, or with anybody,
for that matter. But, if it
would help them, and prevent them from making the same mistakes again, he
was willing to give it a try.
The little voice in his head said, “Well
done.”