Relationships  

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Brian met with Dick a couple of days later.  He was still ticked with Justin.  He couldn’t see what Dick would have done to cause Justin to walk out on him.  Justin even admitted he had been rude and pushy.  What had happened?  Brian needed some answers.

 

They were to meet for a beer at Woody’s at 6 pm.  Dick wasn’t there when Brian arrived, so he got a quiet table and a beer for himself while he waited.  When Dick arrived he had to admit that he looked good.  Brian had missed talking to him.

 

Dick ordered a beer at the bar, and joined him.

 

“You look good,” Brian said.

 

“Thanks.  You don’t.”

 

“Well, fuck you!” Brian said, only partially joking.

 

“I just meant you aren’t quite up to your usual standards, but you always look varying degrees of great!” Dick qualified what he had said.

 

“That’s better,” Brian said.

 

“Do those frown lines mean trouble with Justin?” Dick asked.  “I hope it’s not because of me.”

 

“There’s no trouble.  I just don’t understand what happened between the two of you.”

 

“He doesn’t trust me.”

 

“Why not?”

 

“He thinks I’m after you.”

 

“And are you?”

 

Dick considered his answer.  “If the opportunity arises, yes.  But right now I’ll just be your friend.”

 

Brian frowned.  “Did you tell Justin that?”

 

“More or less.”

 

“Shit! No wonder he walked out on you.”

 

“Why?  I was just being honest.  I know you love him.”

 

“You have no idea how long it has taken us to get to where we are now, and how many obstacles we had to overcome.  Justin’s still not very secure about our ... er ... relationship.  Hell, neither am I!”

 

“You have trouble even saying that word relationship, don’t you?  I didn’t realize that was such a sore spot.  I thought you two were together and secure.  I’m sorry if I upset him.  That wasn’t my intention.”

 

“Well, now I understand what set him off.”

 

“Is he that insecure?”

 

“Justin’s been through a lot, and I didn’t always help matters.”

 

“Is it that he’s too young to know what he wants?”

 

“He knows what he wants.  I can’t always give it to him.”

 

“I can’t imagine you not fulfilling his needs in every way.”

 

Brian laughed.  “There’s more than sex.”

 

“I know that,” Dick chuckled.  “But you’re intelligent and kind.  What more could he want?”

 

“I’m not always kind,” Brian admitted, “and he does want more.”

 

“I think he’s a fool!  He doesn’t know when he’s well off.”

 

Brian didn’t like where this was going.  He wasn’t prepared to have anyone call Justin a fool, even Dick.

 

“Maybe we better drop the subject of Justin,” Brian said.

 

“Fine by me,” said Dick.  “Seen any good movies lately?”

 

Brian laughed.  This was a side of Dick he hadn’t seen before.  He didn’t seem to care about Justin’s feelings, or that Brian was concerned.  Brian finished his beer and got up to leave.

 

“Say hi to Justin for me,” Dick said somewhat sarcastically.

 

“Sure,” Brian said and left.

 

Brian was rattled.  He thought he knew Dick pretty well.  He liked his blunt, no nonsense way of talking, but he had really put Justin on the spot.  Dick’s bluntness had actually fed Justin’s fears.  It hadn’t calmed them.  His honesty must have seemed like taunting to Justin.  How could he have been so stupid to push them together?  He should have realized that Justin’s reluctance must have been based on something.  He had simply ignored Justin’s feelings, and Justin had gone along with it, because Brian wanted them to be friends.  It had been a recipe for disaster from the beginning, but Brian had been thinking only about what he wanted.  He was still the selfish bastard that he had warned Justin about.  It had just taken a different form than either of them had expected.  He hoped he would be able to fix things.  Shit!  He always hated that fucking word ‘relationship’.  He knew he would suck at it.  He had carefully avoided it for so many years.  But now, he had to deal with this ‘relationship’ with Justin, if he wanted to keep him, and he did, above all else.  Why did it have to be so hard?

 

Brian headed back to the loft, worried about what to say to Justin.  Dick’s honesty certainly hadn’t worked.  What if he was honest and Justin took it the wrong way?  He’d have to choose his words carefully.  Fuck, he hated walking on eggshells.  He should be able to speak his mind.

 

By the time he got to the loft he had worked himself into quite a lather.  He felt that he should apologize, but he didn’t do apologies.  He was torn about what to say, how to say it, and how Justin might react.

 

He opened the loft door, and knew immediately that Justin wasn’t there.  Justin knew Brian had been meeting with Dick.  Was he avoiding the outcome?  Now Brian had to stew in his own juices a little longer.  He couldn’t get this over with.  He’d have to wait.

 

He grabbed a bottle of Beam and downed a good quarter of it.  The liquor hit his empty stomach like a ton of bricks.  For a moment he wasn’t sure it was going to stay down.  He flopped on the couch.  Good old Jim could keep him company till Justin came home, then they would thrash this out.

 

Brian had consumed over half the bottle when he heard Justin opening the door.  He had quite a buzz going, and that had dampened his worry about facing Justin.  He would apologize for forcing Justin to talk to Dick, and then they would fuck and make up.

 

He grinned at Justin.  “Hey, gorgeous!” he said in what he thought was his most ingratiating voice.

 

“You’re drunk,” Justin said.

 

“Me.  No.  I’ve been waiting patiently for you with the help of my old friend Jim.”  Brian patted the bottle affectionately.

 

“And how was your old friend Dick?” Justin asked.

 

“He says hi.”

 

“I just bet he does.  Have you eaten anything?”

 

“No. Not hungry.  Just want to fuck you,” he grinned.

 

“You should eat something and sober up.  Then we’ll see about fucking.”

 

“Laying out the rules again?” Brian asked.

 

“These aren’t rules.  You need to sober up, so we can have a sensible discussion.”

“Talk, talk, talk!  I’m fucking sick of talking.  I’m sick of worrying about saying the wrong thing,” Brian blathered.

 

“Well, you’re saying the wrong thing now!”

 

“See.  Proves my point!”

 

“You’re too drunk to know what the point is,” Justin said, anger rising.

 

“Not nearly drunk enough to deal with you.”

 

Justin didn’t know what to say.  Arguing with a drunk seemed useless.  Justin started to say, “Brian ...”

 

“That’s my name.  What do you want me to do now?”

 

“I don’t want you to do a damn thing.  You want to get falling-down drunk, go ahead!  You want to argue, argue with yourself.  I’m not interested.  You want to fuck, go jerk off, because I’m out of here!”

 

He turned and walked out of the loft.  He didn’t know where he was going, but away from Brian was all he could think.

 

Brian watched the door close.  “He’ll be back,” he said to himself.  He wished he could be sure about that.  “Screwed up again,” the little voice whispered in his head.

 

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For over an hour Justin sat on the stairs two floors down from the loft.  He knew there was no point in going back upstairs.  Brian would still be drunk.  He had no intention of sobering up from what Justin had seen.

 

What had happened with Dick he wondered?  Brian hadn’t been like this since they got back together.  He still drank, occasionally too much, but not mean drunk like this.  Something must have set him off.  He’d have to find out, but not until Brian was in a better state to talk.

 

Justin wasn’t sure what to do.  He didn’t want to go back upstairs.  They’d just fight, and Justin didn’t yet know what they were fighting about.  Who could he call?  He wished Daphne were here.  He could always crash with her.  He ran through his other options, his mother, Debbie, Lindsay.  They’d all want explanations, and he didn’t even have an explanation for himself.  He just knew he had to be away from Brian for a while.

 

Then a thought hit him.  He wondered.  He dialed his cell phone, and a voice said, “Hello?”

 

“Emm, is Michael there?” Justin asked.

 

“No. He’s with the hunkalicious professor tonight.  You could reach him there.”

 

“It’s really you I want to talk to.  I didn’t want to have to deal with Michael if he was there.  Can I come over?”

“Of course, sweetie.”

 

“Be right there,” Justin said, hanging up.

 

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Brian had a few more shots of Beam.  His buzz had worn off after Justin left.  He had meant to apologize, but when he saw Justin, all he wanted to do was fuck him.

 

“Liquor brings out my best instincts,” he laughed to himself.  “I really got fucked on that one,” he thought.  “The road to Hell is paved with good intentions.”  He wondered if there were any more platitudes he could dredge up from the depths of his brain.

 

He went up to his stash box, and selected a couple of pills and a joint.  “It’s going to be a long evening,” he thought, as he washed the pills down with Beam.  He crashed on the sofa, after lighting up.  “Maybe this will help me mellow out, while I wait for Justin to come back,” he mused.  He closed his eyes and took a long drag on the joint.

 

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Emmett let Justin in, and saw immediately that he was upset.  He wondered what Brian had done now.

 

“So, want a beer?” he asked.

 

Justin shook his head.

 

“What’s wrong?” Emmett asked.

 

“Is Michael going to be gone all night?” Justin asked.

 

“I think so.”

 

“Could I stay here tonight?”

 

“Sure, sweetie, but why?  What did Brian do?”

 

“He’s drunk, and I’m not ready to deal with him.”

“I thought you two were doing great,” Emmett observed.

 

“So did I.”

 

“So, what happened?”

 

“I think it has something to do with Dick.  Brian went to talk to him tonight.  When I got home he was drunk.”

 

“I wonder what Mr. Gorgeous did?” Emmett speculated.

 

“I wish I knew, but Brian was too drunk to give me any straight answers.  He reverted to his old pattern, and wanted to fuck me.  You know, fuck first, talk later, and maybe you won’t have to talk.”

 

“That’s Brian.  Always predictable.”

 

“But Emm, I thought we had gotten past that.  We have been talking things out.  It all started with that asshole Dick.”

 

“I thought he seemed nice at the brunch.”

 

“Me too.  He was very kind and concerned at first, but something bugged me about him.  Brian fucked him, twice, and could remember his name.  Christ, he couldn’t even remember my name when we first fucked.  This really worried me.”

 

“I can see why.  That doesn’t sound like Brian’s usual pattern.”

 

“Exactly.  So that told me that Dick was something special to him.”

 

“And he gets invited to brunch,” Emmett added.

 

“Right.  This was supposed to be our big moment, but he wanted Dick there.  I went along with it.  Twice when Brian and I had problems, Brian ran to Dick to talk.  Rather than talk to me!  To his credit Dick didn’t fuck him again.  He sent him home to me.”

 

“So Brian thought he was this great, helpful friend.”

 

“Yeah.  Then Brian wanted me to talk to him.  He said it might help us.”

 

“Help.  How?”

 

“That’s it.  I don’t know.  I put it off as long as I could, but Brian kept hinting at it.  Finally, I thought I might as well get it over with, and I had coffee with Dick a couple of days ago.”

 

“How did that go?” Emmett asked.

 

“Fine at first.  He was all ‘Brian’s a great guy.  You’re very lucky.  Don’t screw it up.’  I got this vibe that he wanted to be more than just Brian’s friend, and I sure didn’t get a vibe that he wanted to be my friend, although he said he did.”

 

“What happened?”

 

“Dick is very blunt.  I think that’s part of what Brian likes about him, so I decided to be blunt too.  I asked him point blank if he was interested in being more than Brian’s friend.  He said yes, if the opportunity arose.”

 

“Bastard!” Emmett said.

 

“Thanks, Emm.  I’ve been feeling like I’m the only one who could see any problem with this.  Brian said he knew Dick’s feelings, but nothing would come of it, because he wouldn’t let it.”

 

“That’s something, isn’t it?”

 

“I guess.”

 

“What else happened at coffee talk?”

 

“Dick tried to assure me that he wouldn’t go after Brian, that he would send Brian back if he came to talk to him.  I almost believed him.  I wanted to, but something just didn’t feel right.”

 

“Dick’s a hunk.  I can see why you were worried,” Emmett said.

 

“Then he started telling me to back off with Brian.  Don’t push him to talk or he might want out.  He told me I’d force him away by pushing too hard.  That Brian would get fed up with me.”

 

“Who does he think he is?”

 

“Exactly!  I got mad and walked out.”

 

“Good for you, sweetie!”

 

“Not so good for me.  Dick tattled to Brian before I could talk to him.  Brian was mad.  I could tell, but he tried to say it was all right.  I could feel the distance between us.”

 

“I’m sorry,” Emmett said.

 

“Anyway, Brian went to talk to Dick today, and he was drunk when I got home.  I don’t know what that means.  Is he pissed at me?  Did he fuck Dick, and he feels guilty?  I just don’t know, Emm.”  Justin fought back tears.

 

“You stay here tonight, and longer if you need.  When Brian’s sober, you can work this out.”

 

“Thanks, Emm.  I hope so.”

 

Emmett hugged Justin.  Justin sincerely hoped that he was right, and he and Brian would be able to work this out.

 

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Brian woke the next morning on the couch.  His back felt like someone had tied it in a knot, and his head felt worse.  He hadn’t had a hangover like this in quite a while.  Hell, he was out of practice drinking since Justin had come back.

 

“Justin,” he called, wondering if he had returned.

 

There was no answer.  He remembered rousing himself at 3 am, their old curfew time, and there was no Justin then either.  He had had a couple more pills and a lot more bourbon, when he realized Justin had missed the curfew.  Even if it wasn’t one of their rules anymore, he had expected him to be home by then.

 

Now it was 6:30 and there was still no sign of him.  Where could he be?  Why hadn’t he come home?  They hadn’t really fought.  At least he couldn’t remember fighting.  He had wanted to fuck Justin.  He was sure he had told him that.  And apologize!  He couldn’t remember apologizing, although he had intended to.

 

“Shit!” he thought.  “What have I done?”

 

He pried himself off the couch and tried to straighten up.  While he was bent over, he noted two bottles of Beam beside the couch, one empty and one about half full.  “I really got pissed last night,” he said to the empty loft.  He had the head to prove it.

 

He headed for the shower.  Fifteen minutes of water, as hot as he could stand, loosened his back muscles and relieved some of the pounding in his head.  He had a serious hard-on, and had to do a little hand work to relieve himself of that problem.

 

He dressed for work, deciding he would call Justin from there, if Justin didn’t call him, first.  He hoped he would.  If Justin took the first step, it would be easier.

 

“Coward,” the little voice said.

 

By nine o’clock Justin had not called.  He couldn’t stand it any longer.  He dialed Justin’s cell phone number.  Two rings, and the familiar voice said, “Hello.”

 

Brian wanted to scream, “Where the fuck are you?”, but the little voice warned him to be careful.

 

“Where are you?” he asked as calmly as he could.

 

“Studio at school,” Justin replied.

 

“Why didn’t you come home last night?”

 

“I was there, but you were too drunk to care.”

 

“I care,” his head said.  “Not as drunk as I got later,” he heard himself saying.

 

“Are you bragging about it?” Justin asked, not believing his ears.

 

“Fuck! Where were you all night?” Brian asked, tired of beating around the bush.

 

“Some place safe, away from you,” Justin said cruelly.

 

“Stop playing games, and tell me where you were.”

 

“What does it matter?  I told you I’d talk to you when you were sober enough for a sensible discussion.  Are you?”

 

“Of course I am.  I’m at work.”

 

“So when do you want to talk?” Justin asked.

 

“After work, at home,” Brian said hopefully.

 

“I won’t be there.  I’m not coming back to a repeat performance of last night.”

 

“That won’t happen.”

 

“I’m not sure I can believe that.  What set you off anyway?”  Justin wanted to know.

 

“I think we need to talk about this face to face,” Brian admitted.

 

“Agreed.”

 

“Come to dinner with me at Demetre’s?” Brian asked.

 

“All right.  I’ll meet you there at seven.”

 

Justin hung up before Brian could say anything else.

 

Brian wasn’t happy about this.  It didn’t sound like Justin was coming back to the loft any time soon.  The little voice began its worrisome whispers once again.

 

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Brian was waiting at their table when Justin arrived at the restaurant.  He had had one glass of red wine to take a bit of the edge off.  He was worried, even a little scared.  He didn’t want to make matters worse than they already were.  He wanted another glass of wine, but thought better of it, not wanting to add fuel to Justin’s complaints about him being drunk.  He needed his wits about him.

 

Brian felt a stirring in his groin, as soon as Justin walked in.  “Shit, he has such an effect on me!” Brian thought.

 

Justin saw him and sat down at the table.  Brian poured him a glass of wine, letting him see the bottle was quite full.  He poured another for himself.

 

“Cheers,” he said, raising his glass and taking a drink.

 

Justin looked at him, not moving.

 

“Is this the silent treatment?” Brian asked.

 

“Don’t get testy, or I’m leaving,” Justin said.

 

“Let’s order,” Brian said, hoping food would improve both their moods.  They sat silently for a few minutes, until their salads arrived.  Brian didn’t know what to say.  Justin seemed to take offense at everything.

 

Justin took a bite of salad and watched Brian.  “He’s worried,” Justin thought.  “That’s good.  He should be.”  Justin continued to eat, while Brian did little more than move his food around on the plate.

 

Finally Brian said, “Aren’t we going to talk?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“When?  Over dessert?”

 

“Whenever you’re ready,” Justin said.

 

“I’m ready now.  Where were you?”

 

“I could tell you that it’s none of your business.”

 

“Is that how you feel?”

 

“No, but I was very disappointed in you last night,” Justin said.

 

“Seems like I disappoint you a lot.”

 

“No.  Usually you don’t.  Why did seeing Dick make you get drunk?  What did he tell you?”

 

“Is that why you think I was drunk?”

 

“Well, isn’t it?”

 

“I got drunk waiting for you.  I thought you’d be home, and you weren’t.  I thought you were punishing me for seeing Dick.  I was worried you wouldn’t accept my apology.”

 

“What apology?”

 

“The one I never made.”

 

“How could I accept it or refuse it, if you never made it?  Besides, you never say you’re sorry.”

 

“I wanted to.  I realized I had acted like the selfish bastard I warned you about.”

 

“How did you do that?”

 

“By forcing you to talk to Dick.”

 

“God, why didn’t you tell me that?”

 

“I got drunk trying to figure out how to say it.”

 

Justin laughed out loud.

 

“What’s so funny?” Brian asked, pleased that Justin was laughing instead of being mad.

 

“I can’t believe that’s why you got drunk.”

 

“Why not?  What did you think?”

 

“That you’d fucked Dick, and felt guilty.”

 

“Shit, Justin.  I wouldn’t do that.  I told you.”

 

“I know, but even Emmett thinks Dick is pretty hot, and you were mad at me for walking out on him.”

 

“Justin, you’re much more important to me than Dick is.  I’m not going to fuck him ever again.  Tricks maybe, but not Dick.”

 

“For sure?”

 

“Yes, for sure.  I don’t know if I’ll even see him as a friend.”

 

“Why?  What happened?”

 

“He told me what he said to you.  I understand why you were upset.  He doesn’t know our history.  I never should have sent you to talk to him.  I was selfish.”

 

“Really?”

 

“Yes.   He wasn’t at all sympathetic to you.  He didn’t seem to care that he upset you.  I won’t put up with that from anybody.”

 

“Why didn’t you tell me this last night?”

 

“I was too drunk, and when I see you, all I want to do is fuck you.  You drive me insane.  My cock got hard just from you walking in here.”

 

“Why do you think I couldn’t talk at first?” Justin asked.

 

“You too?  Let’s get out of here.”

 

Brian threw down an obscene amount of money, and they rushed out of the restaurant.

 

They never made it to the loft.  Brian found an alley and they blew each other.  They saved the rest for when they did reach their own bed, happy to be back together, at least for now.

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