Doubts  

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Brian and Justin had been back together for a few weeks now.  Brian wasn’t sure there was any such thing as domestic bliss, but he thought this might be about as close as it got.  He was glad to have Justin back and living with him.  He slept better, and the sex was no less fantastic than always.  They had had their ups and downs already.  He had walked out a couple of times, but he had come back and they had worked it out.  He didn’t expect it to be easy, but sometimes he wondered if they could maintain it.  He knew he wasn’t easy to live with, and Justin had come back a more mature, and demanding, partner.  He wasn’t going to allow Brian free reign.  They didn’t have rules, which had been such a disaster before, but they did have some limits on what they were willing to tolerate.  So far things had gone pretty well, but it was the long term that was the question mark.

 

They spent those weeks re-establishing a rhythm to their lives.  Brian went to work and Justin to school.  Everything seemed to be fine, except for a little voice in the back of Brian’s brain that whispered of doubt and fear.  It just wouldn’t go away.

 

Most of the time Brian could ignore it, find enough to do to push it away into the background.  However, there were times when it demanded to be heard, and Brian would start to worry.

 

Lindsay and Mel invited them for dinner one Friday.  Brian was looking forward to seeing Gus.  He hoped he might have a quiet word with Lindsay too.  He wondered if she would notice the changes in him and how she would react.

 

They arrived early after work, so they could have some play time with Gus before he had to go to bed.  Melanie let them in.  Gus ran to his father shouting, "Dada, Dada.”

 

Brian scooped him up and hugged him tight.

 

“Sonny Boy,” he said, kissing him and blowing raspberries on his cheek.

 

Gus giggled.  “Love you, Dada,” he said.

 

“I love you too,” Brian said.

 

“Down!” Gus demanded.

 

“Okay,” said Brian, setting him down.  Gus took his hand and pulled Brian towards the coffee table.

 

“What?  Where are we going?”

 

“See,” said Gus, pointing to the coffee table.

 

“What’s this?”  Brian picked up a paper containing two red handprints.  “Are these yours?” Brian asked.

 

Gus nodded and beamed at Brian.

 

“Let’s see,” Brian said.  “Show me how your hands fit.”

 

He set the paper on the table, and Gus positioned his own little hands over the red prints.

 

“A perfect fit,” Brian said.  “Well done, Sonny Boy.”

 

“For you,” Gus said.

 

“This is for me?” Brian asked.

 

Gus nodded.

 

“Thank you, Gus.”  Brian kissed him.  “I’ll find a special place for this at home.”

 

Gus smiled.

 

“The refrigerator’s always a good spot,“ Melanie offered.  “They make these little magnet things that will hold papers on the door.”

 

“No kidding!” Brian said, rolling his eyes.  “The wonders of modern technology!”

 

“Wise ass,” Melanie sniped.

 

Justin moved in.  “That’s great, Gus.  One of these days we’ll have to paint together.”

 

Gus clapped his hands and bounced up and down.

 

“Come on, Gus.  Show me what you can build with your blocks.”  Justin led Gus over to his play area.

 

“Dinner’s almost ready,” Lindsay said, coming in from the kitchen.  She gave Brian a kiss.

 

“Will you serve some wine, Mel?” she asked.

 

Melanie went to the kitchen to get drinks for everyone.  Lindsay sat down beside Brian.

 

“How are things with you and Justin?” she asked.

 

“Mostly good,” Brian said.

 

“Mostly?”

 

“I’m very glad to have him back.  It’s just that sometimes he pushes too hard.”

 

“He’s young.  Impatient.”

 

“I know.  But it’s hard to take sometimes.”

 

“Try to talk it out.  You’ve made so much progress already.”

“Do you think I’ve changed?”

 

“You’re sure a lot happier now that you have Justin back with you.”

 

“Yeah.  I am happy, but ... “

 

“But?  Is something wrong?”

 

“I’m not sure we can keep this up.  I think I’ve changed and it worries me.”

 

“Believe me, different than you used to be, can only be an improvement,” Melanie chimed in, handing Brian a glass of red wine.

 

Brian flipped her the finger.  Lindsay swatted him.

 

“Brian, I think you are better than ever,” said Lindsay.  “I’m proud of what you’re doing with your life.”

 

“Thanks,” Brian said.

 

Just then a timer went off in the kitchen, and Lindsay went to check on the food.

 

Brian watched her go.  She didn’t seem to think there was anything wrong with him, and Mel sure treated him the same.  He had no qualms about biting back, when she nipped at him.  Maybe he was worrying for nothing.

 

“Come on, everybody.  Dinner’s ready,” Lindsay announced.

 

Gus sat in his high chair between Brian and Justin.  Brian did his best to make sure that most of the food actually got into Gus’ mouth. 

 

“I wonder if my parents helped me like this,” Brian thought.  He had no happy memories of his parents feeding him, playing with him, hugging him.

 

“You look sad, Brian,” Lindsay said.

 

“Just thinking,” he replied.

 

“About what?”

Brian hesitated, not sure he wanted to reveal his thoughts.

 

“About my childhood,” he said reluctantly.

 

“Not happy memories?” Lindsay asked.

 

“No,” was the only reply.

 

“More wine?” Melanie asked, trying to lighten the mood.

 

Brian drank several more glasses of wine, but ate very little, often transferring his portion to Justin’s plate.

 

Soon after dinner, Gus was put to bed.  Brian continued to drink.  Lindsay tried to interest him in various topics of conversation, but he had grown very quiet, barely responding.  Lindsay and Justin talked a bit about art, and then Justin suggested they leave.  Brian seemed indifferent, but when Justin stood up, so did he.  They kissed Lindsay and Justin kissed Melanie.

 

Melanie said to Justin, “Don’t let him drive.”

 

Justin nodded.  He steered Brian to the passenger side of the Jeep.  He didn’t protest.  Justin drove them to the loft, and pulled Brian into the elevator.  He didn’t resist.

 

Once inside the loft, he sat Brian down on the couch.

 

“Brian,” he said, “look at me.”

 

Brian looked up, and stared into Justin’s eyes.  “I love you,” he said.

 

“I love you too,” Justin responded.

 

“I never heard that as a child.  I don’t remember my parents ever saying that.  Not to Claire, or to me, or to each other.  I don’t want Gus to grow up like that.”

 

“He won’t, because you told him you love him tonight, and Lindsay and Mel tell him that all the time.  So do I.  And he loves us back.”

 

“That’s good,” Brian said.

 

“Yes, it’s good.  Every child should be loved.”

 

“Not me.  Not good enough.”

 

“Yes you are.  Your parents were just fucked up.”

 

“Do you understand why it’s so hard for me?”

 

“I’m starting to.”

 

“I never had love.  I don’t know what it is, how to say it, how to give it.”

 

“Yes you do.  You give it to me all the time.  You give it to Gus and Lindsay and Michael.”

 

“I do?”

 

“Of course, you do.  You may not say ‘I love you’ easily, but you demonstrate it in lots of ways.”

 

“Really?  You see that?”

 

 “Yes.”

 

“I try.”

 

“I know you do,” Justin tried to reassure him.

 

“Can we make love tonight?”

 

“Of course. Come to bed.”

 

Justin led Brian up to the bedroom.  He slowly undressed Brian, and Brian undressed him.  He seemed to be regaining his composure.  They kissed long and passionately.  When they lay down together, Brian felt such tenderness for Justin.  He cradled him in his arms, and ran his fingers through Justin’s hair, looking intently into his eyes.  He wanted to soak up every aspect of the young man.

 

They made love slowly and intensely.  Kisses created a connection that they didn’t want to break.  Hands explored everywhere, tracing the shape and feel of each other, so that they would never forget.  Scents, textures, souls mixed and mingled, as they blended into each other.  They had never been so close, so intense, so in love.

 

When they reached their climax, they lay together in each other’s arms, happier and more content than they had ever been.  That was how they fell asleep, wrapped around each other.

 

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They awoke with the sun streaming in on them.  Brian watched the sun play over Justin’s face and hair, and the pendant he never took off.

 

“Good morning, my only sunshine,” he said, tugging on the little sun.

 

Justin smiled and kissed him.  “Is this real?  Last night was magic,” Justin said.

 

“Enough magic to weather any storms,” Brian added.

 

“Enough magic for forever.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“We could stay in bed all day,” Justin suggested.

 

“We could, but I have a better idea.”

 

“You do?”

 

“How would you like to take Gus on a picnic today?”

 

“That sounds great, but we better call Lindsay to arrange it.”

 

“I’ll do that now.”

 

They picked up Gus an hour later.  Justin had packed food in his knapsack.  The idea of Brian Kinney having a cooler was almost too funny for words.  Brian had never actually done anything like this before.

 

Justin suggested a park his parents used to take him to.  It was out in the suburbs, about as close to nature as Brian really wanted to get.  They had brought a blanket which they spread out on the grass.  Gus toddled around.  He soon discovered that if he kept on toddling, one of them would get up and chase him.  This was a great game, especially when he would be scooped up and spun around when he was caught.  He giggled and ran.   They chased him, neither he nor the adults seeming to tire of the game.

 

They ate Justin’s food.  He had brought bread, cheese, and carrot sticks.  It tasted so good out in the fresh air.  Brian and Justin had some wine and Gus had juice from his sippy cup.

 

After lunch they each took one of Gus’ hands.  “Just like the sketch,” Brian thought.  They walked Gus around looking at the flowers and rocks.  He had brought a little plastic ball which he would try to throw, and they would roll it back to him.  He would giggle and chase it.

 

People in the park seemed to be watching them.  They were having so much fun.  Their laughter was pure and spontaneous.  People smiled to see them.  They kissed Gus, and he rode around on Brian’s shoulders for a while.  Brian leaned over and kissed Justin, while Gus giggled as he tipped sideways.  Brian righted him, and said, “I love you, Sonny Boy.”

 

As they passed a man and a woman sitting on a bench, the woman looked up at them and said, “Lovely family.”  She smiled her approval.

 

“Thanks,” said Brian.  This did feel like his family, and he was very proud of it.  That little voice receded a bit more.

 

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After they dropped off Gus, who had fallen sound asleep in his car seat, Brian looked at Justin and said, “I’m beat.  Gus is better than two hours at the gym.”

 

“He’s a going concern.  You carried him around for most of the day.”

 

“My muscles are going to be so stiff tomorrow.”

 

Justin looked like a light bulb had just gone off in his head.  “Let’s go for massages,” he said.

 

“And what type of massage did you have in mind?” Brian asked suggestively.

 

“Not the kind you’re thinking of.”  Justin blushed.  “A real massage, deep muscle.  We can do the other kind of massage later.”

 

“That actually sounds good,” Brian admitted.  “I know a good place.  Let me call and see if they can take us.”

 

Brian placed the call, and Justin heard him promise ‘a little extra’.

 

“All set,” Brian said.  “They needed a little persuasion, but we’ve been fitted in.”

 

“Good.  Let’s go.”

 

When they arrived at the spa, they were immediately ushered into a room with two massage tables.  The girl told them to get undressed and the masseur would be right with them.

 

“What kind of persuasion did you use to do this?” Justin asked, noting the side by side tables.

 

“I’ve been here before. They’re very accommodating.”

 

“I’m surprised we’re together, in the same room.”

 

“Wait till you see the masseurs,” Brian said.

 

Just then the door opened, and in walked two Scandinavian gods.  They were blonde, late twenties, and identical twins.  Justin’s mouth dropped.

 

“Thor, Erik,” Brian said.  “Good to see you again.”

 

“Mr. Kinney,” they responded in a very professional way.

 

“This is Justin Taylor,” Brian said, introducing the younger man.

 

“Good afternoon,” Erik said.  “I’ll be doing your massage, Mr. Taylor.  If you’ll remove your towel, and lay down on the bed, we can get started.”

 

With a quick glance at Brian, Justin did so.  Brian got on the table next to him.  Both lay on their stomachs, and by turning their heads they could look at each other whenever they chose.  They smiled, then closed their eyes, ready to enjoy the experience.

 

Thor and Erik were very good at what they did.  They warmed oil in their hands, and started spreading it over the backs of the two men.  They worked the shoulders first, squeezing, rubbing and pulling, until the tight muscles began to loosen.  They continued down the back, working along the spine.  Next the hips and buttocks were pressed and kneaded.  That elicited long sighs.

 

Justin looked over at Brian.  Brian smiled at him, then closed his eyes again, luxuriating in the sensations.  The twins worked down the legs, and finished with a to-die-for foot massage.  When they finished, they quietly left the room.  Brian heard the door click shut, and looked over at Justin.  Justin stared back.

 

“That felt great, but I’ve had a hard-on since Erik first touched my ass,” Justin said.

 

“So have I.  Come over here.”

 

Brian turned on to his back, his penis red and swollen.  Justin’s hard-on matched it, as he stepped over to Brian’s massage table.  He leaned in and kissed Brian passionately.  Brian pulled him on top of him, and they began grinding their hips together, cocks caught deliciously in between.  They continued their kisses as they bucked and rubbed against each other.  As they enjoyed the tantalizing friction, Brian clasped Justin to him.  His one hand wandered down to Justin’s ass, and began toying with his pucker.  Brian dipped his fingers into the oil next to the table.  One oily finger, then two, opened the pucker.  Justin’s breaths became gasps, and he ground his hips against Brian more frantically.

 

Brian grabbed a condom from the table.

 

“They certainly are prepared here,” Justin observed.

 

“They know my requirements,” Brian said.

 

“You’ve been here with others?” Justin asked, not wanting to hear the answer.

 

“Once or twice, but so far this is the best,” Brian said, smoothing Justin’s hair.

 

“So far?” Justin repeated.  “Let’s make it unforgettable.”  He took the condom, and slipped it over Brian’s dick.  He was kneeling astride Brian’s legs.  He shifted up a bit, and Brian held his penis steady, as Justin lowered himself on to it.

 

“Best,” Brian gasped.

 

“Only the best for you,” Justin agreed.  He stayed still for a minute, Brian’s cock filling him, loving the sensation of possessing Brian.  He leaned over and kissed the man.  “Ready for a wild ride?” he asked.

 

“Always ready,” was Brian’s patented response.

 

Justin had full control of the situation.  On his knees, he slowly rose up and rotated his hips.  Brian groaned.  Justin slid back down, resting on Brian’s hips, fully impaled.  He stopped again.  Brian’s eyes looked lustfully at him.  Justin grinned.

 

“What are you planning?” Brian asked.

 

“I’m feeling very flexible after my massage,” he said.

 

He leaned back, until his back almost touched Brian’s legs.  Brian’s penis started to slip out of Justin.  Justin squeezed his anal muscles, trapping the tip of Brian’s cock.

 

“Fuck!”  Brian sucked in his lips.

 

Justin sat up and impaled himself fully on the cock again.

 

“Jesus, Justin,” Brian moaned.

 

“There’s more.”  Justin smiled.

 

He leaned forward so his chest rested on Brian’s chest.  Again, as Brian’s penis began to slide out, he clenched his muscles and trapped the tip.

 

Brian groaned louder.

 

Justin kissed him, shoving his tongue down his throat, still keeping the tip of Brian’s penis trapped.  Then he straightened up as he had before, and took all of Brian’s penis back in.  He repeated these motions twice more.

 

Brian’s moans grew louder and his head flopped from side to side.  Suddenly he grabbed Justin’s hips, and pushed him up and down on his cock.  His own hips bucked up to meet Justin’s downward movement, so that they met in a powerful collision.  Justin knew he wouldn’t last long.  A couple of tugs on his cock, and he was coming all over Brian’s chest.  His anus contracted around Brian’s penis, and he shot his load inside Justin.

 

Brian pulled Justin against his pounding heart, and held him tight.  They kissed long and sensuously, as their senses returned to normal.

 

“You have the best ideas,” Brian said.

 

“I’m so relaxed I don’t know if I can stand up.”

 

“Just stay put for now.  I like you on top of me.”

 

“Don’t we have to get out of here?  Someone else may need the room.”

 

“We’re the last clients today.  They stayed a bit longer for us.”

 

“Are they waiting for us?” Justin asked, worried that someone might come in.

 

“I told them they could leave after the massage.  We have the place to ourselves.  We just have to lock up when we leave.”

 

“How well do you know those guys?”

 

Brian gave him an eye roll.

 

“I should have known,” Justin said.  “Both of them?”

 

“Of course. They’re a matched pair.”

 

“At the same time?”

 

Brian stuck his tongue in his cheek, and grinned.   

 

“You are incorrigible.”

 

“But terribly good,” Brian bragged.

 

“I’ll give you that,” Justin agreed, grinning.

 

Brian kissed him again.

 

“Want to go again?’ Justin asked.

 

“Now who’s incorrigible?”

 

“Don’t you think you’re up to it?” Justin taunted.

 

“I didn’t say that.”

 

“Then show me your stuff,” he challenged.

 

Brian sat up and swatted Justin’s butt.

 

“Hmm,” he said.  “So many lotions and potions, so little time.  Where shall we start?”

 

“How about a butt massage from you?” Justin asked.

 

“I think we can arrange that.  Lay down on your stomach.”

 

Justin did so, and Brian began kneading his luscious ass.

 

“I hope these massage tables are up to the pounding,” Brian said, as he climbed on top of Justin.

 

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The next morning Justin awoke to Brian’s kisses.

 

“I think yesterday was the best day of my life,” Brian said.

 

“So when I ask you what’s the best day you ever had, you’ll have an answer, right?”

 

“Right.”

 

“There’s just one problem,” Justin said.

 

“What problem?”

 

“I thought massages were supposed to relax your muscles.  I’m so stiff; I don’t think I can stand up.”

 

“That’s because of all the contortions you were doing at the massage parlor.”

 

“We did find some good positions, didn’t we?” Justin giggled.

 

“Damn right!  I wasn’t sure some of them were possible...”

 

“Me either.”

 

“You certainly are a creative lover,” Brian complimented him.

 

“It’s my artistic streak.”

 

“I always knew you were an artist just not in so many interesting ways.”

 

“We’ve barely scratched the surface, Mr. Kinney.”

 

Brian knew he was in for an interesting ride, as long as he had Justin with him, and as long as he could keep that little voice in his head at bay.

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