Pressure  

ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss  

 

Shattering, sparkling, splintering, stinging.  Brian looked at the broken glass in his hand, and the little rivulets of red that had begun to seep out around the crystal shards.  It hurt a little, but not as much as the pain in his chest where his heart should be.  He stared at his hand in fascination.  A moment ago it had held a glass of Jim Beam, but now it was this broken, oozing mess, just like his life.  How quickly everything could change!

 

He was drunk, but not nearly drunk enough.  The pain was still there.  He wanted numbness, nothingness, oblivion.

 

He didn’t actually remember crushing the glass.  He wasn’t sure how he had done it.  It was just there, a broken mass of glass, blood and flesh.  He thought he should probably do something about it, but it seemed like way too much effort.  He sighed and leaned back against the arm of the couch, his injured hand hanging down near the carpet.  He closed his eyes.

 

Images of the last few days started flickering across his mind.  Justin crying.  Justin packing his belongings.  Justin yelling at him.  Justin walking out the door.  The sound of silence and emptiness was deafening in the loft.

 

What had happened?  He didn’t want to remember it, but his mind had other plans.

 

ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

 

Four days ago Justin had come home from the IFA very late, 11 pm.  Brian had been busy with work since the Noel fiasco.  They hadn’t had a lot of time to spend together.  Brian was still working on the deal with the Denver ski company, and everything was just about finalized.  Justin was quiet as he entered, not his usual bouncy self.  Brian was polishing up the final version of the sales campaign he had initiated.

 

“Hey,” Brian said, looking up from the computer.

 

“Hey,” Justin replied and headed for the bathroom.

 

Brian heard the shower go on.  A little alarm bell went off in his head.  Where had he seen this scenario before?  He shook his head.  Couldn’t be!  He and Justin were fine.  They had survived Noel, and come out the other side, stronger and better.  At least he thought so.

 

He went back to work.  He was nearly finished.  He’d talk to Justin when he came out of the shower.  A few minutes later he heard the shower go off.  He quickly saved his work and shut down the computer.  He headed into the bedroom, and met Justin as he stepped out of the bathroom.  Justin jumped back in surprise.

 

“You’re edgy tonight,” Brian observed, as he put an arm around Justin and pulled off his towel.  Justin tried to grab it back, but Brian held it tantalizingly out of reach.

 

“Come on, Brian,” Justin griped.  “Give me the towel.”

 

Brian threw the towel into the bathroom.  “You don’t need it,” he said, running his hands up and down Justin’s arms.

 

“Fuck, Brian,” Justin said.  “I’m tired.”

 

Brian stopped rubbing and grabbed Justin’s shoulders, forcing him to look into Brian’s eyes.  “What’s wrong?” he demanded.

 

“I told you.  I’m tired.  I want to go to bed,” Justin said, looking at the floor.

 

“Justin, we said we’d be honest.  I can tell something’s wrong.  Talk to me.”

 

“Not now.  I’m going to bed.”

 

Justin tried to turn away.  Brian held him in place, looking at him intently.  Justin could not meet his gaze.

 

“Brian, let me go,” he asked, looking miserable.

 

“Talk to me.  What’s wrong?”

 

Justin shook his head.  Brian pulled him close, holding him in a tight embrace.  Justin resisted at first, but gradually relaxed into Brian’s arms.  Brian felt more than heard the sobs.

 

“What’s wrong?” Brian asked again.

 

“Make love to me,” Justin asked.

 

“Of course, but tell me what’s going on,” Brian countered.

 

“I can’t, not right now.  Fuck me, please!” Justin almost begged.

 

Brian kissed him deeply, not knowing what else to do.  Maybe sex would make them both feel better.  He pulled Justin over to the bed and gently pushed him down.  He laid Justin on his back, kissing him all the while.  Justin had surrendered to his ministrations, emitting little gasps and moans as Brian’s kisses became deeper and more demanding.  Brian looked at Justin’s face.  His eyes were closed and Brian couldn’t read his thoughts.  He knew something was wrong, but Justin wouldn’t talk about it, so this would be the next best thing.

 

He licked along Justin’s chin and down his neck.  His hands squeezed the boy’s breasts and tweaked the nipples.  Justin gasped and Brian sucked on each tit.  He continued downward, dipping into Justin’s navel.  He licked down to the pubes and all around his hardening cock, but not touching the shaft itself.  He pulled Justin’s knees up and apart and slid down between them.  His tongue caressed the inside of each thigh.  He blew softly over Justin’s penis and heard the boy groan.  He buried his face between Justin’s legs, licking over his pucker and up to his scrotum.  He took Justin’s balls in his mouth, sucking and rolling them around.  He loved the taste of Justin.  If he could swallow him whole, he would.  He felt Justin writhing beneath him and knew by the dripping cock that he was close to coming.  He hadn’t even touched Justin’s dick yet.

 

“Tell me what you want, Justin.  This is for you.  Do you want me to blow you or fuck you or bring you off without even touching your dick?”

 

“Fuck me, please.  I want you in me.”

 

Brian rolled on a condom and buried his face against Justin’s hole.  He used his tongue to open Justin’s pucker.  Justin gasped and pressed against Brian’s face, trying to make the tongue go deeper.  Brian grabbed the lube, coated his penis and used his greased fingers to press into Justin.  He flipped Justin’s legs over his shoulders and rammed his penis fully into the boy.  Brian heard the sharp intake of breath.  Justin opened his eyes to look at Brian for the first time since this had begun.

 

“I thought I needed to get your attention,” Brian said by way of explanation.

 

“What?” Justin gasped.

 

“Never mind,” Brian said, and began pounding against him.  Justin didn’t back off.  He met each thrust with a counterthrust, and they both groaned in satisfaction.  The ride was exhilarating, but all too brief.  Finally they both reached orgasm, climaxing and lying spent together.

 

When Brian regained his breath, he rolled off Justin and looked at the boy.  Justin turned away, and rolled onto his side, his back to Brian.

 

“Justin,” Brian said, worried.

 

“Maybe tomorrow, Brian.  Not now.”

 

Brian reached over and touched Justin’s shoulder.  He felt the shoulder shift away from his touch, and he knew something was really wrong.

 

ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

 

That was how it had started.  Brian knew something was going on and Justin wouldn’t talk about it.  When Justin refused to talk, it was usually something big.

 

Neither of them slept much that night.  Each tossed and turned, somewhat studiously avoiding touching the other in their thrashing about.  Around 5 am Brian felt Justin sit up and flip back the duvet.  He knew instinctively that Justin was going to leave without talking to him.

 

“Don’t,” he said without looking at the boy.

 

“Don’t what?” Justin asked.  “I was just going to pee.”  He kept his back to Brian.

 

“Don’t go.  Don’t leave without talking to me.  Don’t lie.  Take your pick.”  Brian gave him a list to choose from.

 

“Brian...I...” Justin didn’t know how to continue.  How could he explain to Brian when he didn’t understand it himself?

 

“What?” Brian asked.

 

“I’m going to go to school.  I have to think and sort some things out.  I promise I’ll talk to you about this tonight.  Okay?”

“What is it?  Maybe I can help,” Brian offered.

 

Justin shook his head.  “Tonight, I promise.”

 

“Okay, but tonight for sure,” Brian gave in.  He was worried.  This must be something big and very bad.

 

ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

 

Brian looked at his injured hand.  It throbbed a little and he could see a couple of pieces of glass still imbedded.  He carefully pulled them out and blood began to flow again.  He glanced down and saw a little pool of drying blood on the white carpet, where his hand had been hanging down.

 

“Another thing ruined,” he said philosophically.

 

He picked up the Jim Beam bottle and downed a swig, then another and another.

 

“Who needs a glass?”  He laughed humorlessly.

 

He opened his hand and looked at the slits that had held the imbedded pieces of glass.  He held his hand over the area of dried blood on the carpet and poured some Beam over it.

 

“Ouch!  Fuck!!”  He didn’t think it would sting like that.

 

“Good antiseptic!” he said to the loft.  “Let’s cleanse the inside too,” and he took several more swigs of the liquor.

 

His head lolled back against the arm again and his thoughts began to wander back to his discussion with Justin.

 

“Discussion!” he snorted.  “Debate, dilemma, disgust, disintegration!  Piece of shit!”  He grimaced as his wounded hand had involuntarily made a fist.

 

ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

 

Justin had arrived at the loft before Brian got home from work.  He had made them steak and salad.  They ate in silence for a while.  Finally Brian decided he wanted some answers.

 

“Are you going to tell me what’s going on?” he asked.

 

“I’ve been trying all day to figure out what to say,” Justin confessed.

 

“This sounds bad.”

 

“I guess it is.”

 

“So just tell me,” Brian ordered, his heart beating faster.

 

“I met a guy a few days ago.”

 

“A guy?  Don’t you meet a lot of guys every day?” Brian asked, trying to slough off the jab of fear he felt.

 

“Not like Derek.”

 

“Derek?”

 

“Derek Jacobs.  He’s in the dance program at the Institute.”

 

“A dancer?  Should I be jealous?”

 

Justin grimaced.  “Not the reaction I wanted,” Brian thought.

 

“We met at lunch one day and got talking.  There was an immediate attraction.  I tried to ignore it, but I really liked him, and I wanted to be friends.”

 

Justin paused and Brian blinked.  He knew what was coming, but he didn’t want to hear it.

 

“We had lunch together everyday for a few days.  One day he came back to my cubicle to see my work.  As we were looking at my paintings, our hands reached for one at the same time, and I felt this little jolt of electricity pass between us.”

 

“Shit,” Brian thought, “just like Noel.”  His stomach twisted and he thought his dinner might come up.  He downed the rest of his wine to force it back.  He poured himself another glass, leaned back and in his best Brian Kinney ‘don’t give a fuck’ voice, he said, “Continue.”

 

Justin looked at him, unsure what to say next.  “I...we... Before I knew it, we were on the floor, kissing ... and fucking.”

 

“Swept away by passion?” Brian sneered.  “Was he good?”

 

“Brian, don’t...”

 

“Don’t!  I think it’s you that needed to heed that word.”

 

“I...I’m sorry, but I wanted him and he wanted me.”

 

“Just like Noel and me?  Is this some kind of sick payback, Justin?”  Brian was angry.

 

“Of course not!  How could you think that?  It just happened.  We wanted each other.  It has nothing to do with Noel.”

 

“Interesting timing though, don’t you think?”

 

“No, I don’t think!  One has nothing to do with the other.”

 

Brian looked intently at Justin.  He didn’t know if he believed him or not.  “So was he good?  As good as me?  Better?”

 

“Different!” was Justin’s somewhat defiant answer.

 

“I guess you enjoyed it?” Brian asked, hoping against hope that the answer would be no.

 

“Yes, I did.”

 

“Was that the only time?”

 

Justin blinked, and Brian knew it wasn’t.  “No,” he said.  “I went to his dorm last night to talk to him.”

 

“And you fucked again!”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Several times?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“So that’s why you needed the shower when you finally came home?”

 

“I guess.”

 

“And then you asked me to fuck you too.  Making comparisons?”

 

“Don’t be cruel, Brian.”

 

“Oh, I haven’t even started!”

 

“I don’t want to fight.”

 

“I think I do.  Otherwise, I might kill you, or myself!” Brian spat out between clenched teeth.

 

“Don’t say things like that!”

 

“Why not?  Does it scare you, because you scare me?”

 

“Scare you?  Why?” Justin asked, bewildered.

 

“After all we’ve been through, after Noel and what he did to us, you’re ready to toss it all away for Derek!  That’s pretty fucking scary, Justin.  I thought we meant more than that!”

 

“We do, Brian.  I didn’t say we were through.  I just have to figure out what to do about Derek.  I’m confused.”

 

“What to do about Derek?  Tell him to fuck off!  Tell him you’re in a relationship.  Tell him you love me!”

 

“I already have ... and it didn’t help.”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“I still want him,” Justin said, looking sad.

 

“What about me?”  Brian never thought he would hear himself ask that question, but there it was.

 

“I want you too.”

 

“Well. I don’t think it works that way.  I’m not into sharing!  Maybe Gus is, but I don’t share my toys.”

 

“So now I’m a toy?”

 

“I didn’t mean it that way.”

 

“Brian, if you’ll listen for a minute?”  Justin waited, and when Brian neither moved nor said anything, he continued.  “I understand now your attraction to Noel.”

 

Brian shook his head.  “That’s what’s at the root of this, isn’t it?” he asked.

 

“No, Brian,” Justin said again.  “It’s not.  The attraction I feel for Derek is more.  You didn’t want Noel once you’d had him.”

 

“That makes me sound like a selfish asshole.  There was a lot more to it.  You know why I didn’t want Noel.”

 

“I know, but Derek isn’t like Noel.  He’s kind and funny and interesting, and I like him, as well as being attracted to him.”

 

“So, he’s perfect?” Brian asked.

 

“Kinda.”

 

“I don’t think perfect can be qualified,” Brian sneered.

 

“Well, pardon me!”  Justin took offense to Brian’s tone.  He wasn’t going to be treated like a little kid who needed to be taught what his words meant.

 

“What are you and Mr. Perfect planning to do?” Brian asked.

 

“To do?”

 

“Are you moving out?  In with him?  Away from me?”

 

“I don’t want to leave you,” Justin said, looking uncertain.

 

“But you want to keep fucking him?”

 

“I...yes,” Justin conceded.

 

“Well, that makes him more than a trick then, doesn’t it?  I guess we wouldn’t be having this conversation if he was just a trick.  Let’s see.  Someone once told me, and I quote, ‘Tricks don’t matter’, but this is something way beyond that.”

 

“Brian, I needed to be honest with you.  I have to figure this out for myself.”

 

“You’re right about that.  And while you’re figuring it out, I think you need to stop fucking both of us.”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“Just what I said.  Until you choose, you don’t fuck either of us.”

 

“Brian...”

 

“I told you.  I don’t share and I won’t be anybody’s bit on the side.”

 

Justin’s anger flared at that.  “What are you talking about?  I’ve never treated you that way.  You know I love you.”

 

“Do I?  Does the name Ethan Gold ring any bells?  We’ve been down this road before, and I thought we had gotten beyond this.”

 

“We have, but things happen in relationships.”

 

“Yeah,” said Brian.  “Things.”

 

“Do you want me to leave?” Justin asked.

 

“No...Yes...I don’t know,” Brian said, disappointed that Justin seemed no longer willing to fight for their relationship.

 

“Maybe it’s best if I do,” Justin stated, wanting Brian to tell him to stay.

 

Brian shrugged.

 

“I’ll go to Debbie’s for tonight, if that’s what you want?”

 

“Call her!” Brian ordered, willing this to be over.

 

“All right!” Justin shot back, and walked over to the phone.

 

Brian retreated to the bathroom and closed the door.  He threw some water on his face, and leaned on the counter.  His head pounded and he felt like someone had kicked him in the gut.  He didn’t know how long he stood there, when he heard a tap on the door.

 

“What?” he snarled.

 

“Debbie says I can come over.  I’m taking a few things, just for tonight,” Justin said tentatively.

 

“Whatever,” Brian replied, standing up.  “I’m going out anyway.  Don’t be here when I get back!”

 

Justin looked like someone had slapped him, and that’s what Brian’s words felt like, a slap in the face.  He knew Brian would find a trick to fill his bed tonight once he was gone.

 

Brian brushed past him, grabbed his leather jacket from the closet and was gone before Justin could say or do anything.

 

Justin sank down onto the bed and put his head in his hands.  He wanted to cry, but even tears had abandoned him.  He grabbed some clothes for the next day, his books, his knapsack and his jacket.  He carefully set the alarm as he left.

 

ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

 

Brian took another drink from the bottle of Beam.  That emptied it.  He wanted more, but he wasn’t sure he could get over to the kitchen to get it.  He started to push himself up from the couch, but he winced in pain as he put pressure on his injured hand.  He looked at it and saw a bit of blood begin again.  He had reopened a couple of the cuts.

 

“Fuck!” he said aloud.

 

He used his good hand to help him stand up, swaying a bit.  He took a step and staggered back against the couch.  He put a hand down to save himself and yelped in pain.  He had used his injured hand.

 

“Fucking stupid!” he cursed.

 

He righted himself and looked at his hand.  It really was a mess.  He stood straight as he could and headed himself in the direction of the kitchen.  He grabbed the counter for support, this time using his right hand, his good one.  Keeping contact with the counter he went round to the cupboard where he stored the liquor.

 

“Ah,” he said, pulling out a new bottle of Beam.  He put the bottle in his left elbow and holding it against his body, he used his right hand to twist open the lid.  He only spilled a little.  He took a good slug from the bottle.  His left hand throbbed.  He leaned against the sink and ran some water over the wounds.  Then he poured some Beam over his hand, and grunted in protest to the stabbing pain.  He knew he’d never make it to the bathroom, so he opened the door beneath the sink and pissed in the garbage can.  That felt better.  He grabbed a towel from a drawer and wrapped it around his hand, tucking in the end.

 

“I should have been a doctor,” he said, pleased with himself.  “I could have taken out my heart a long time ago, and avoided all this shit.”

 

He grabbed the new bottle of Beam and staggered back to the couch.  Was it Saturday or Sunday?  He wasn’t sure.  It was dark out.  “Probably Saturday night,” he thought.  “If it’s Sunday, I’ll never make it to work tomorrow.”  He chuckled insanely.  “Vance’ll have to do his own shit.  No Brian Kinney to save the day this time,” he said to the loft.

 

If it was still Saturday, then Justin had left two days ago.  What difference did it make how long he had been gone?  It just mattered that he was gone, for good!

 

That required another drink or two.  He slumped on the couch and downed a few more mouthfuls of Beam.  His head lolled back, as he cradled the bottle between his thighs.

 

ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

 

After Justin’s revelation, Brian was hurt and angry and disillusioned.  The idea of disillusionment in the same context as him gave Brian pause.

 

“I’m the ultimate realist,” he told himself.  “At least I used to be.”

 

He headed for Babylon and the back room.  If Justin was fucking around, then he would too.  Within minutes of arriving, he was getting his dick sucked.  He hadn’t done this for months, since he and Justin had gotten back together.

 

“Just like riding a bike,” he thought as he came.  He immediately shoved the man away and zipped up.  He didn’t even have a feeling of release, let alone of satisfaction.

 

He went out to the dance floor, looking for someone more appetizing.  He saw a couple of likely prospects dancing together and worked his way over to them.  He used his patented come-on line, and they agreed to go back to the loft.  He gave them the address and went to find a drug connection.  He could use a few good hits of something to make this more palatable.

 

“Christ!  When did sex have to be palatable?” he thought.  “I am so screwed.”

 

He got some E and headed for the loft.  The two tricks were waiting at the front door.  “Justin better be gone!” he vowed to himself. “Otherwise, I’m going to give him quite a show!”

 

“Come in, guys,” he said, ushering them up to the loft.  He looked around as he opened the door, noting that Justin was not there.  He wasn’t sure if he was happy or sad or disappointed that he was no longer there.

 

“Nice place,” one of the tricks observed.

 

“Yeah,” Brian replied.  “The bedroom’s up there.  Go ahead.”

 

The two men went up the steps already removing their clothes.  Brian poured himself a glass of Beam.  He had taken a couple of hits of the E and his dick was responding.  He dropped his jacket and swallowed the Beam.  He pulled off his shirt and headed for the bedroom.  The two men were naked on the bed, blowing each other.

 

“Hey, wait for me!” he said, getting rid of his pants.

 

They welcomed him onto the bed, one capturing his mouth and the other his cock.  They kissed and sucked for awhile.  Brian wanted to fuck.  One trick lay on his back and the other started fucking him.  Brian lined up behind this man and drove his penis in.  He liked driving the train, as he called it.  When they all finally came, they collapsed in a heap on the bed.

 

“That was better,” he thought.

 

One of the tricks said, “That was fucking fantastic!”

 

Brian snorted, “So I haven’t lost my touch.”

 

“Let’s go again,” the other trick said.

 

“Sure,” said Brian, as one attacked his cock and the other sucked on his tits.  He was ready, if only he didn’t see Justin’s face when he closed his eyes.

 

ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

 

His eyes sprang open.  He thought Justin might be standing there in front of him.  The image had been so vivid.  He looked around, but he was definitely alone.  He must have dozed off or passed out.  He wasn’t sure.  He felt something between his legs, and it wasn’t a dick, his or anyone else’s.  He looked down and saw the Jim Beam bottle.  He laughed.  “My old friend,” he said, lifting it up, and holding it against his chest.  Then he took a long drink.

 

Where was the nothingness that he longed for?  He remembered thinking about the tricks he’d brought home when Justin had gone to Debbie’s.  They had distracted him for a few hours, but eventually he told them to get out, and resorted to liquor and drugs.  It seemed to be getting harder and harder to dull the pain and blot out the unwanted thoughts.

 

Pain.  He looked at his left hand.  It was all wrapped up.  When had he done that?  Time seemed to have no meaning.  He wasn’t sure anymore when events had happened, in what order, what was real and what he was imagining.

 

He took another long drag of the Beam and set the bottle on the floor.  He draped his legs over the arm of the couch and laid back.  Maybe he could sleep.

 

ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

 

Brian had managed to set the alarm after he kicked out the trick twins.  When it woke him, he debated skipping work, but decided against it.  Work would take his mind off Justin, and help him to get through the day.

 

About 3 pm, after a rather uninspiring day, Cynthia buzzed him to say that Justin was on line one.  He debated not taking it, but decided he needed to deal with this head on.

 

“Justin?” he said into the phone.

 

“Brian, I’d like to come to the loft tonight after dinner.  I’ve made some decisions, and I need to talk to you.”

 

“Okay,” said Brian.  “See you about eight?”

 

“Sure,” Justin replied and hung up.

 

“Shit!  That was fucking abrupt!  I wonder what that means?” Brian muttered to himself.  He’d find out tonight.  He had already decided that he wasn’t going to share Justin with the dancer.  He’d go it alone if he had to.

 

Brian picked at his takeout.  He wasn’t hungry, but he had to do something while he waited for Justin.  He was dreading what he thought Justin was going to tell him.

 

Promptly at eight the buzzer sounded.  “Shit!” Brian said.  “He won’t even use his key.”  He buzzed him up.

 

Brian opened the loft door, and leaned against the frame, as he waited for the elevator to arrive.  Justin pushed up the gate and stepped out.  Brian’s cock stirred.  The boy looked good.

 

“Hey,” Justin said.

 

“Hey,” Brian replied and stepped back to let Justin enter.  He closed the door.  “Want a beer?” he asked.

 

“Sure,” said Justin, hoping that might ease the tension.

 

Brian opened two beers and handed one to Justin.  He went over to the couch and sat down.  Justin sat in the chair opposite.

 

“So,” Brian said, “what big decision have you made?”

 

“I want you.  I love you and I always will.”

 

Brian’s heart thumped in relief.  He had expected the worst.  “That’s good,” he said.  “I feel the same way.”

 

Justin gave a small smile in recognition of Brian’s statement.

 

“That wasn’t much of a response,” Brian thought.  “So what does that mean about where we are?” he asked aloud.

 

“It means I want to stay here with you.”

 

“Really?  That’s good.”  Brian was pleased.

 

Justin smiled a little more.

 

“What about Derek?” Brian had to ask.

 

“I want to be friends with him,” Justin stated.

 

“Just friends?”

 

“I think so.”

 

“You think so?  That doesn’t sound very definite.  What does Derek say about it?” Brian asked.

 

“Derek isn’t happy.  He wants to keep things as they were or maybe take them farther.”

 

“So, if he pressures you to fuck, what will happen?”

 

“Nothing.”

 

“Are you sure?”

 

“I can’t say a hundred percent,” Justin admitted.

 

“Why don’t you cut him loose?”

 

“I...I can’t,” Justin said.

 

“You can’t?  Don’t you mean you won’t?”

 

“No...I...”

 

“What the fuck is this all about?  I thought you made a decision.  This sounds like you’re going to keep seeing him, and in all likelihood fucking him.  Am I right?”

 

“No, I don’t think so.  I’m going to try to prevent that.”

 

“This is fucking ridiculous!”

 

“Brian, I don’t know what else to do,” Justin’s voice quavered.

 

“Well I do!  Tell him to get lost or tell me to get lost,” Brian demanded.

 

“I can’t do that.”

 

“Yes you can!”

 

Justin shook his head.

 

“Maybe we should talk to Frank about this,” Brian said hopefully.

 

“No,” Justin cut him off.  “I don’t want him telling me what to do.  I have to work this out myself.”

 

“Frank wouldn’t tell you what to do.  You know that.  But he might give you a new perspective on things.”

 

Justin shook his head again.

 

“I think you’d rather have the problem than the solution.  In fact I’m beginning to wonder if you actually like the problem,” Brian stated.

 

“What?”  Justin looked hurt.

 

“You heard me.  You really want to have your cake and eat it too.  You haven’t decided anything, except that you’re going to continue being selfish.”

 

“Me?  Selfish?  Look who’s talking!”

 

Brian was taken aback.  He knew many people considered him selfish and he did little to change their opinions, but Justin had never called him that.

 

“You could have Noel, but I can’t have Derek.”

 

“Not the same,” Brian responded, shaking his head.

 

“Not in your supreme opinion!  To me, it is.”

 

“And I say Derek is another Ethan, another instance of me not being enough for you.”

 

Justin cringed.  Brian sure as shit knew how to hurt him.  “Well, fuck you, Brian!  Everything’s so black and white to you, so easy!  If you’re forcing me to choose, I may just choose Derek.  He’s not a selfish asshole like you!”

 

Justin had stood up and was screaming at him.  He stomped into the bedroom.

 

“I see your true opinion of me has finally been revealed,” Brian said, his voice dripping with sarcasm and pain.

 

Brian heard him opening drawers.  He walked over to the steps, and watched Justin stuff clothes into a pillowcase.

 

“Is that it?” Brian asked.

 

“I’ve had it with you!” Justin yelled at him.

 

“You’ve had it all right,” Brian shot back.  “You think this is easy for me?”

 

“Fuck you!”

 

“Not anymore.”  Brian had to resort to sarcasm to keep from begging.

 

“You think you can force me to do what you want.  Well, not this time.  I’m going to do what I want.”

 

“You always could, Justin.  I thought you were here because you wanted to be.”

 

“So did I, but I guess I was fooling myself.”

 

“I guess we’re both fools then.”

 

“Right!  So this is it.”

 

“Looks that way,” Brian snapped.  He could feel pieces of his heart ripping from his chest.

 

“I’m leaving.  I’ll get the rest of my stuff later,” Justin said, hoping Brian would stop him.  It didn’t happen and Justin made it to the door of the loft.

 

“Sure,” said Brian, wanting to grab Justin and make him stay.

 

“Oh, fuck off!” Justin yelled in frustration.  He slammed the door behind him and ran down the stairs, a few tears escaping despite his best efforts.

 

“What have I done?” he asked himself as he reached the lobby.  He sank down on the last step.  “I went up there to tell him I love him and I want to be with him.  What happened?  I was going to push Derek away, keep him as a friend only, if I could!  Brian probably knew I wouldn’t be able to do that.  What’s wrong with me?  Why can’t I be strong?”

 

“God dammit!” Brian said to the empty loft, to the Fates who tormented him, to the God he didn’t believe in.  “Why didn’t I stop him?”  Brian couldn’t believe he had let Justin go once again.  Justin had said he loved him and wanted him.  That fucking Derek crap!  Brian knew on some level that Derek was more important to Justin as a friend than a lover.  He also knew that it was really him that Justin wanted, not Derek.  “Why couldn’t I cut him a little slack?  It would have passed.  What’s wrong with me?  Why can’t I give a little occasionally?”

 

ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

 

Brian started and jerked upright.  He was still on the couch and he realized he had been asleep.  The gray light of dawn was beginning to seep through the curtained windows.

 

“I’m sobering up,” Brian thought.  He retrieved the Jim Beam bottle from the floor.  He raised the bottle and was about to take a drink, when he suddenly stopped.  He looked at the bottle and changed his mind.

 

“No,” he said aloud.  “Fucking no!”  He dropped the bottle back to the carpet.  He raised his left hand and flexed it gingerly.  It hurt like hell.  He pulled the towel apart and looked at the wounds.  They had stopped bleeding, but still looked raw and cruel.  He made a quick decision.  With not too great an effort he stood up.  He stretched his knotted back and didn’t stumble.

 

“I can do this,” he said aloud.

 

He pulled the towel back around his hand and headed for the bedroom.  He made a quick trip to the bathroom.  While pissing, he vaguely remembered what he had done in the kitchen.  He’d have to clean that up - later.  He grabbed jeans, a T-shirt and his jacket.  His shoes he found beside the bed.  He managed to get dressed without hurting his hand too much.  He made a quick phone call and headed out.

 

Ten minutes later he was in the emergency room at the hospital.  Being early Sunday morning, it was very quiet, and a young intern put a few stitches in his hand, and asked for his number.  Brian was tempted, but said nothing.  The doctor bandaged his hand, and gave him his card.

 

“You never know,” the doctor said, smiling and walking away.

 

Brian looked at the card and stuck it in his jacket.  He felt surprisingly well as he headed out to the Jeep.  He had expected a much worse hangover.  He looked at his watch and headed downtown.  On the way he picked up a latte which he was still sipping when he walked into Frank Jamison’s office.

 

“Thanks for doing this on a Sunday morning, doc,” he said.

 

“You sounded like you needed me.”

 

“I do.”

 

“Where’s Justin?” the doctor asked, never having seen either of them separately.

 

“That’s why I needed to see you.”

 

“How so?”

 

“Justin’s gone.  We had a fight.”

 

“I see.  What happened?”

 

“Justin met some ballet boy and they fucked.  He told me about it, but wouldn’t or couldn’t give him up.  I told him I didn’t share, and he left.”

 

Frank looked at Brian who had once again reduced life-shattering events to a few carefully chosen sentences that told the story, but revealed very little of what actually happened.

 

“And the problem is ...?” Frank asked.

 

“He’s gone,” Brian replied simply.

 

“And you don’t like that?”

 

“Of course not!”

 

“How do you feel about it?”

 

“Angry, miserable ... hurt,” he admitted.

 

“Did you tell Justin that?”

 

“No.”

 

“Why?”

 

“I didn’t...know...what to say.”

 

“What did you say to him?”

 

Brian thought for a moment, then shook his head.  “I asked him if this was some kind of sick payback for Noel.”

 

“How did he respond to that?”

 

“He told me I was wrong.  That it just happened.  They were attracted to each other.”

 

“Do you believe that?”

 

“I guess so, but even if I do, he won’t stop being with Derek.  I told him he had to give up one of us, but he said he couldn’t.”

 

“Do you see a parallel with Noel?”

 

“In the beginning maybe, but Noel was a prick.  Justin wants to be friends with Derek.”

 

“And that bothers you?”

 

“The friendship part doesn’t, but he couldn’t promise that that’s all it would be.”

 

“Is that the crux of the problem?”

 

“I guess so.  I can’t do that.  I...he...means too much to me.  Derek isn’t a trick.  He isn’t just a friend.  He’s more.”  Brian leaned over, resting his elbows on his knees, his head hanging down.  “Why am I never enough?” he whispered.

 

“Is that what you think?” Frank asked.

 

Brian looked up.  “First Ethan, now Derek.  Why can’t I get it right?  I’m pathetic!”

 

“I don’t know that you are in control of this, Brian.  Justin’s feelings are his, not yours.  This may not be something he can control.  In a way this is like Noel, even if you don’t want to admit it.”

 

“But I didn’t want Noel after the first time.  Justin still wants Derek.”

 

“He’s not you, Brian.  You didn’t want Justin after the first time either, but he wouldn’t go away.  He doesn’t treat sex and relationships the way you do.  He needs to connect with people, you try not to.  He may have an attraction and an attachment to this Derek, but he loves you.  I’m sure Justin knows the difference, and I think you do too.”

 

“I did think that I should cut him some slack,” Brian admitted.

 

“But you didn’t?”

 

“No, I just couldn’t.  I made him choose, and he left.”

 

“Do you want him back?”

 

Brian looked at his bandaged hand.  “Yes,” he said with surety.  “I’m a mess without him.”  He hesitated.  “But sometimes I wonder if it’s worth the pain, especially for him.  He’d be better off without me.  I make him miserable too often.”

 

“Do you think he’s happy right now?”

 

“Probably not, but he could get over it.”

 

“Can you?”

 

“I don’t think so.”

 

“Then don’t assume that he can.”

 

Brian chuckled.  “Shit, Frank, you’re good.  You always turn it around so I see the other side.  Justin called me selfish, because I could have Noel and he couldn’t have Derek.  I don’t think he ever called me selfish before, but I am.  I only think about myself.”  Brian shook his head.

 

“Excuse me, Brian, but bullshit!  You just said he’d be better off without you.”

 

“Yeah, but I still want him back.  That’s selfish.”

“Then tell him that you want him back.  It’s his decision.  It has nothing to do with you being selfish or not.”

 

“You know, if I had told him not to go, I think he might have stayed.  Why can’t I be honest about my feelings?”

 

“Lack of practice.”  Frank’s eyes twinkled.

 

Brian chuckled again.  “That’s true, but I don’t get many opportunities to practise.”

 

“And when you do, you clam up.”

 

Brian nodded ruefully.  “So what am I going to do?”

 

“What do you want to do?”

 

“Talk to Justin.”

 

“Sounds good to me.  And...?”

 

“Tell him how I feel?”

 

Frank smiled.  “You’re a quick study.”

“Thanks, Frank.”  Brian stood up.  “Somehow I knew you would help me.  Would you talk to Justin, if I can get him to come to see you?”

 

“Of course, but don’t force it.  Justin needs to make his own decisions.”

 

Brian nodded and left.

 

He sat in the Jeep for a while, thinking about how to proceed.  He really did want Justin back, almost on any terms.  “Can I actually admit I need him that much?” he wondered.  He never showed weakness to anyone, but he had a feeling he would have to show it to Justin this time.  Justin was worth it.  Justin was everything he wanted and needed.

 

Was this love?  When you couldn’t see a future without the other person.  When the day was only worthwhile when the other person was there to come home to.  When you felt such joy and pain in the hands of the other person.  When you could drive glass into your hand and not realize you had done it because the other person hurt you more.  When you could share a meal, a song, a dance, a heart with the one person who made them smell better, sound better, taste better, feel better, just by being there.  And that other person, that one person, was Justin.

 

He punched Justin’s number on his cell phone.

 

“Hello,” Justin answered.

 

“Hey, it’s me,” Brian said.

 

“Oh?” Justin sounded remote.

 

“I need to talk to you.”

 

“What about?”

 

“Us.”

 

“Is there an ‘us’?”

 

“I hope so.  I have some things to tell you.  Can I pick you up?”

 

“All right, but I don’t want to fight.”

 

“Neither do I.”

 

“I’m at Debbie’s.  I’ll be out front.”

 

“Good.  Ten minutes.”

 

ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

 

Brian turned into Deb’s street.  He saw Justin sitting on the porch steps.  His heart skipped a beat, his cock stirred and his stomach gave a little flip.  “Shit!” Brian thought.  “I can’t even look at him without all these feelings.”

 

He pulled to a stop and Justin got in.  Brian peeled away without saying a word.  He couldn’t talk, not yet.  He drove in silence, staring straight ahead.  Justin did the same, not even glancing at Brian.

 

After a few minutes Justin knew where they were going, and he smiled a little smile of contentment.  This was a good omen.  Brian pulled onto the shoulder by the river and got out.  Justin followed him down to their bench along the bank.  They both sat down, neither saying anything.

 

After a minute Brian turned to face Justin.  He looked deeply into those blue eyes, and saw trust, hope, love and the future.

 

“I love you,” he said.

 

Justin blinked and smiled.

 

“I know,” he said.  “I love you too, but it’s nice to hear you say it.”

 

“I really mean it,” Brian felt compelled to add.

 

Justin’s smile grew bigger, and he almost threw himself into Brian’s arms, but Brian raised his hand to stop him.

 

“It doesn’t solve everything though, does it?” he said.

 

“It sure helps.”

 

“That’s good.  I went to see Frank this morning.”

 

“You did?  By yourself?”

 

“Yes.  I’ve been a mess since you left.”  Brian looked at his bandaged hand and grimaced.

 

“What have you done?”  Justin reached for the injured hand, but Brian pulled it away.

 

“It doesn’t matter right now.  I have to say some things to you, and I’m not sure I can get through them.”

 

“You can tell me anything, Brian,” Justin said sincerely.

 

“I know, but I have to have the guts to get it out.”

 

“You have guts.”

 

Brian snorted.  “I’m really a coward.  If I never admitted that I love you, and need you, and can’t live without you, then I appeared strong.  But I’m admitting all this now.  My life is useless without you.  I’m a mess when you’re gone.  I want you back, but I don’t want to hurt you and make you miserable.  I don’t want to be selfish, but I need you.  I love you.”

 

“My God, Brian!  Do you mean that?”

 

“Yes.  Every sappy, but heartfelt word.”

 

Justin launched himself into Brian’s arms and welded his mouth to the mouth he had missed so much for the last few days.  The kiss was long and hard and urgent.  When he finally pulled back to look at Brian’s face, they were both breathless.

 

“I missed you so much,” Justin said.

 

“Me too!”

 

“What happened to your hand?” Justin asked, taking the bandaged hand gently into his own.

 

“I crushed a glass,” Brian said simply.

 

“Was it my head you were imagining?” Justin asked, eyes big.

 

“Shit, no!  It was what my heart felt like.  The pressure was unbearable after you left.”

 

“Oh, Brian,” Justin whispered, and laid his head against the older man’s chest.  He felt Brian shudder and kiss the top of his head.

 

“I love you so much,” Justin vowed.

 

“And I love you, but we always hurt each other.”

 

“I think intense feelings create extreme situations.”

 

“No shit!” Brian reacted.

 

Justin chuckled.  “You have such a way with words, Mr. Kinney.”

 

“I’m amazed I’ve found as many words to say as I have.”

 

‘I think you’ve done very well.  I’ve waited a long time to hear you say these things.”

 

“I mean them.”

 

“I know.  You always say what you mean.  That’s why this is so important to me, and to you.”

 

“Frank made me realize how much I hold back, and how different we are.”

 

“Different?  How?” Justin asked, curious.

 

“I told him about Derek.  He showed me that I was trying to make you treat Derek like I treated Noel.  But you’re not me.  He said you needed to connect with people, and I tried not to.  Yet I judge everything through the way I am, not through the way you would see it.”

 

“Wow!  Frank is a smart man.”

 

“You got that right!” Brian stated.

 

“So, are you saying I can be friends with Derek?”

 

“Ultimately that’s not for me to decide.  I’m saying you have to do what’s right for you.  I want you on whatever terms you decide.”

 

“God, Brian, I can’t believe you just said that!”

 

“Neither can I.  I’m a wuss!”

 

“No, you’re not.  That’s very brave and risky for you.”

 

“You think?”  Brian looked worried.

 

“I don’t love Derek.  I never have.  I am attracted to him and I like him, but I love you.  I want Derek as a friend, but I want to make a life with you.  I don’t think Derek and I will be involved sexually anymore.”

 

“You don’t?” Brian asked, surprised.  He had just given Justin permission to do anything he wanted.

 

“We were attracted physically, and still are, but he’s not you.  I really only want you, you big lug,” Justin said, poking Brian in the ribs.

 

“Why did you tell me about him in the first place?”

 

“I didn’t want another Ethan-type thing,” Justin said.  “We said we’d be honest.”

 

“And look where that got us!” Brian grimaced.

 

“We’re here now, aren’t we?”

 

Brian nodded.  “Maybe honesty is the best policy.”

 

“Yeah.  It may hurt at the time, but in the long run it’s for the best.”

 

“How did you get to be so smart at such a young age?”

 

“Oh, didn’t I tell you?  I’m a genius!” Justin gloated.

 

“Twat!” Brian replied, hugging him.

 

“Can we go home now?”

 

“You want to?”

 

“Of course!  I never wanted to leave.”

 

“And I didn’t want you to go!”

 

“Why didn’t you say so?” Justin asked.

 

“I’m emotionally challenged.  You know that.”

 

Justin laughed.  “We do have to work on that.  I’m glad you went to see Frank,” Justin said, looking solemn.

 

“So am I.  He really helped.  I don’t know if I could have done this without his support.”

 

“He’s a good guy.”

 

“The best!  He said he’d talk to you, if you wanted.”

 

“Do you think I should?”

 

“It’s up to you.  I just know that he helped me.”

 

“Maybe I will,” Justin said, thinking.

 

“Let’s go,” Brian said, standing up and pulling Justin into a hug.  He wrapped one arm around Justin’s waist and they headed up to the Jeep.

 

“I’m going to show you how much I’ve missed you as soon as I get you home,” Brian vowed, kissing Justin’s cheek.

 

“Is that a promise?” Justin asked, smiling his sunshine smile.

 

“It’s a guarantee!”

 

They got into the Jeep.

 

“Shit!” Brian said.

 

“What’s wrong?” Justin wanted to know.

 

“I just remembered.  There is some cleaning up to do at the loft.  It’s kind of disgusting.”

 

“Like what?” Justin asked.

 

Brian thought about the blood and the Beam, broken glass and a certain deposit under the sink.

 

“Oh, just me being a little messy after you left.”  He’d explain later, if he had to.  Right now he was too happy just having Justin back.  He’d worry about that stuff later.

 

ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

 

As soon as they hit the loft, they ripped off each other’s clothes and fucked until they were sated.  Being apart always made the sex more intense, and by late Sunday afternoon they were exhausted, but very happy.

 

Brian cradled Justin against his chest, content to just touch and look at the boy.  He ran his hands constantly over Justin’s arms and chest.  He felt so grateful to have him back, to be able to touch him and smell him and kiss him.

 

He sighed.

 

“What’s wrong?” Justin asked, looking up at Brian’s face.

 

“Nothing,” Brian responded.  “That was a sigh of contentment.”

 

“You, content?  I thought there was never enough.”

 

“You’re enough.  You’re everything.”

 

“I think that’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me.”  Justin kissed his cheek.

 

Brian purred.  “I guess I should say more nice things to you.  Let you know how important you are to me.”

 

“That would be nice.”

 

“I really am a shitty lover.”

 

“No, you’re the best.  No one can compare to you.”

“Even Derek?”  As soon as Brian said it, he wished he could take it back.  He didn’t want to spoil this moment.

 

Justin sat up.  He looked into Brian’s eyes.  “How can I prove to you that you’re the one I want?  Even if there are others that I’m attracted to, I’ll always love you, not them.”

 

“How can you be sure?  I’m an asshole sometimes.  I know I’m not easy to live with.  I’m a fucked up mess,” Brian admitted, looking sad.

 

“But you’re my fucked up mess, and I love you.”

 

“That’s why I need you.  You’re so good for my ego.”

 

Justin giggled.  “I don’t think your ego needs any help.”

 

Brian looked at him intently.  “Sometimes it does, you know.”

 

“What?”  Justin stared at Brian.

 

“When you left me, I felt like a failure again.  I went to see Frank to figure out why I’m never enough.”

 

“Are you serious?” Justin couldn’t believe his ears.

 

“Do I look like I’m joking?” Brian scowled.

 

“No, you don’t.  Brian, you always seem so confident, so sure of yourself.”  Justin shook his head.

 

“Most of the time I am, but when it comes to ... relationships, I don’t have a clue.  I’m perpetually sure that I’m going to fuck it up, and I’m usually right.  Like when you leave me for someone else.”

 

“Oh, Brian,” Justin said, clinging to him even tighter.  “I love you.  I’m sorry.  I don’t mean to hurt you.”

 

“But you have.  We’ve hurt each other.”

 

“That’s true, but that isn’t all we’ve done.  Sometimes you have made me so happy, like when you just told me I was everything to you.  Have I made you happy too?”

 

“Remember that day we took Gus to the park.  I told you that would be my answer to the ‘What is the happiest day of your life?’ question.  It still stands, although having you come home today is a close second.”

 

Justin kissed him and smiled his sunshine smile.  “I love you, love you, love you!” he said.  “How do we get into these messes where we hurt each other?”

 

“I don’t know.  The Fates seem to have it in for us, or else we’re just natural born fuck-ups.”

 

“I don’t believe that.  We deserve to be happy.”

 

“Are you sure?”

 

“Yes, I am.  We’ve been through so much, but we always end up together, even with the detours we’ve had along the way.”

 

“That’s true.  I can’t imagine my life without you anymore.”

 

“Really?”  Justin looked a little scared.

 

“I didn’t mean to scare you.  That sounds like an awful responsibility to lay on you, but it’s how I feel.  When you were gone the last few days, I reverted to my old ways.  It’s no good.  I don’t want that life.  I want a life with you.”

 

“Me too.”  Justin sighed and kissed Brian’s cheek.  “Do you think we’ll get it right this time?”

 

“I doubt it,” Brian replied, tongue in cheek and twinkle in eye.

 

Justin smacked him.  “Brian,” he groaned.

 

“I think we’ll fuck up again.  We’re good at it, but I hope we’ll be smart enough to fix it before it gets too bad.”

 

“We will.  I know it,” Justin vowed.

 

“Ever the optimist!” Brian commented.

 

“Well, one of us has to be.”

 

“Are you calling me a pessimist?”

 

“You have your moments.”

 

“Yeah, I do, don’t I?”

 

“But I love you anyway,” Justin cooed.

 

“And I love you too, despite your optimism,” Brian teased.

 

“Asshole,” Justin giggled.

 

“Twat!” Brian said, tickling him.

 

“Stop!  Brian, let me go!”  Justin tried to escape Brian’s tickling fingers.

 

“Never,” Brian said, continuing to tickle.

 

“Stop, please!” Justin begged, breathless.

 

“What will you give me if I do?”

 

“Anything!  Please!”

 

“Be specific.”

 

“The greatest fuck of your life!” Justin promised.

 

“Don’t make claims you can’t produce,” Brian said, letting him up.  “Prove yourself!”

 

“Yes, sir.” Justin saluted, and started kissing him.

 

By the time he was through, Brian had to admit he had never been fucked like that before, but he hoped he would be again and again and again, for as long as they both lived.

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