Pressure
ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
Shattering, sparkling, splintering,
stinging. Brian looked at the
broken glass in his hand, and the little rivulets of red that had begun to
seep out around the crystal shards.
It hurt a little, but not as much as the pain in his chest where his
heart should be. He stared at
his hand in fascination. A moment
ago it had held a glass of Jim Beam, but now it was this broken, oozing mess,
just like his life. How quickly
everything could change!
He was drunk, but not nearly drunk
enough. The pain was still
there. He wanted numbness,
nothingness, oblivion.
He didnt actually remember crushing
the glass. He wasnt sure
how he had done it. It was just
there, a broken mass of glass, blood and
flesh. He thought he should probably do something about it, but
it seemed like way too much effort.
He sighed and leaned back against the arm of the couch, his injured
hand hanging down near the carpet.
He closed his eyes.
Images of the last few days started flickering
across his mind. Justin
crying. Justin packing his
belongings. Justin yelling at
him. Justin walking out the
door. The sound of silence and
emptiness was deafening in the loft.
What had
happened? He didnt want
to remember it, but his mind had other plans.
ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
Four days ago Justin had come home from the
IFA very late, 11 pm. Brian
had been busy with work since the Noel
fiasco. They hadnt had
a lot of time to spend together.
Brian was still working on the deal with the Denver ski company, and
everything was just about finalized.
Justin was quiet as he entered, not his usual bouncy
self. Brian was polishing up
the final version of the sales campaign he had initiated.
Hey, Brian said, looking up from
the computer.
Hey, Justin replied and headed
for the bathroom.
Brian heard the shower go
on. A little alarm bell went
off in his head. Where had he
seen this scenario before? He
shook his head. Couldnt
be! He and Justin were
fine. They had survived Noel,
and come out the other side, stronger and
better. At least he thought
so.
He went back to
work. He was nearly
finished. Hed talk to
Justin when he came out of the shower.
A few minutes later he heard the shower go
off. He quickly saved his work
and shut down the computer. He
headed into the bedroom, and met Justin as he stepped out of the
bathroom. Justin jumped back
in surprise.
Youre edgy tonight, Brian
observed, as he put an arm around Justin and pulled off his
towel. Justin tried to grab
it back, but Brian held it tantalizingly out of reach.
Come on, Brian, Justin
griped. Give me the
towel.
Brian threw the towel into the
bathroom. You dont
need it, he said, running his hands up and down Justins
arms.
Fuck, Brian, Justin
said. Im
tired.
Brian stopped rubbing and grabbed Justins
shoulders, forcing him to look into Brians
eyes. Whats
wrong? he demanded.
I told
you. Im
tired. I want to go to bed,
Justin said, looking at the floor.
Justin, we said wed be
honest. I can tell somethings
wrong. Talk to
me.
Not
now. Im going to
bed.
Justin tried to turn
away. Brian held him in place,
looking at him intently. Justin
could not meet his gaze.
Brian, let me go, he asked, looking
miserable.
Talk to
me. Whats
wrong?
Justin shook his
head. Brian pulled him close,
holding him in a tight embrace.
Justin resisted at first, but gradually relaxed into Brians
arms. Brian felt more than heard the sobs.
Whats wrong? Brian asked
again.
Make love to me, Justin
asked.
Of course, but tell me whats
going on, Brian countered.
I cant, not right
now. Fuck me, please!
Justin almost begged.
Brian kissed him deeply, not knowing what
else to do. Maybe sex would
make them both feel better. He
pulled Justin over to the bed and gently pushed him
down. He laid Justin on his
back, kissing him all the while.
Justin had surrendered to his ministrations, emitting little gasps
and moans as Brians kisses became deeper and more
demanding. Brian looked at
Justins face. His eyes
were closed and Brian couldnt read his
thoughts. He knew something
was wrong, but Justin wouldnt talk about it, so this would be the next
best thing.
He licked along Justins chin and down
his neck. His hands squeezed
the boys breasts and tweaked the
nipples. Justin gasped and Brian sucked on each
tit. He continued downward,
dipping into Justins navel.
He licked down to the pubes and all around his hardening cock, but
not touching the shaft itself. He
pulled Justins knees up and apart and slid down between
them. His tongue caressed the
inside of each thigh. He blew
softly over Justins penis and heard the boy
groan. He buried his face between
Justins legs, licking over his pucker and up to his
scrotum. He took Justins
balls in his mouth, sucking and rolling them
around. He loved the taste of
Justin. If he could swallow
him whole, he would. He felt
Justin writhing beneath him and knew by the dripping cock that he was close
to coming. He hadnt even
touched Justins dick yet.
Tell me what you want,
Justin. This is for
you. Do you want me to blow
you or fuck you or bring you off without even touching your
dick?
Fuck me,
please. I want you in
me.
Brian rolled on a condom and buried his face
against Justins hole. He
used his tongue to open Justins
pucker. Justin gasped and pressed against Brians face, trying
to make the tongue go deeper.
Brian grabbed the lube, coated his penis and used his greased fingers
to press into Justin. He flipped
Justins legs over his shoulders and rammed his penis fully into the
boy. Brian heard the sharp intake
of breath. Justin opened his
eyes to look at Brian for the first time since this had
begun.
I thought I needed to get your
attention, Brian said by way of explanation.
What? Justin
gasped.
Never mind, Brian said, and began
pounding against him. Justin
didnt back off. He met
each thrust with a counterthrust, and they both groaned in
satisfaction. The ride was
exhilarating, but all too brief.
Finally they both reached orgasm, climaxing and lying spent
together.
When Brian regained his breath, he rolled
off Justin and looked at the boy. Justin turned away, and rolled onto his side, his back
to Brian.
Justin, Brian said,
worried.
Maybe tomorrow,
Brian. Not
now.
Brian reached over and touched Justins
shoulder. He felt the shoulder
shift away from his touch, and he knew something was really
wrong.
ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
That was how it had
started. Brian knew something
was going on and Justin wouldnt talk about
it. When Justin refused to talk,
it was usually something big.
Neither of them slept much that
night. Each tossed and turned,
somewhat studiously avoiding touching the other in their thrashing
about. Around 5 am Brian felt
Justin sit up and flip back the duvet.
He knew instinctively that Justin was going to leave without talking
to him.
Dont, he said without looking
at the boy.
Dont what? Justin
asked. I was just going
to pee. He kept his back
to Brian.
Dont
go. Dont leave without
talking to me. Dont
lie. Take your
pick. Brian gave him a
list to choose from.
Brian...I... Justin didnt
know how to continue. How could
he explain to Brian when he didnt understand it
himself?
What? Brian
asked.
Im going to go to
school. I have to think and
sort some things out. I promise
Ill talk to you about this
tonight.
Okay?
What is
it? Maybe I can help,
Brian offered.
Justin shook his
head. Tonight, I
promise.
Okay, but tonight for sure, Brian
gave in. He was
worried. This must be something
big and very bad.
ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
Brian looked at his injured
hand. It throbbed a little and
he could see a couple of pieces of glass still
imbedded. He carefully pulled
them out and blood began to flow again.
He glanced down and saw a little pool of drying blood on the white
carpet, where his hand had been hanging down.
Another thing ruined, he said
philosophically.
He picked up the Jim Beam bottle and downed
a swig, then another and another.
Who needs a
glass? He laughed
humorlessly.
He opened his hand and looked at the slits
that had held the imbedded pieces of
glass. He held his hand over
the area of dried blood on the carpet and poured some Beam over
it.
Ouch!
Fuck!! He didnt
think it would sting like that.
Good antiseptic! he said to the
loft. Lets cleanse
the inside too, and he took several more swigs of the
liquor.
His head lolled back against the arm again
and his thoughts began to wander back to his discussion with
Justin.
Discussion! he
snorted. Debate, dilemma,
disgust, disintegration! Piece
of shit! He grimaced as his wounded hand had involuntarily made
a fist.
ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
Justin had arrived at the loft before Brian
got home from work. He had made
them steak and salad. They ate
in silence for a while. Finally
Brian decided he wanted some answers.
Are you going to tell me whats
going on? he asked.
Ive been trying all day to figure
out what to say, Justin confessed.
This sounds
bad.
I guess it
is.
So just tell me, Brian ordered,
his heart beating faster.
I met a guy a few days
ago.
A
guy? Dont you meet a lot
of guys every day? Brian asked, trying to slough off the jab of fear
he felt.
Not like
Derek.
Derek?
Derek
Jacobs. Hes in the dance
program at the Institute.
A
dancer? Should I be
jealous?
Justin
grimaced. Not the reaction
I wanted, Brian thought.
We met at lunch one day and got
talking. There was an immediate
attraction. I tried to ignore
it, but I really liked him, and I wanted to be
friends.
Justin paused and Brian
blinked. He knew what was coming,
but he didnt want to hear it.
We had lunch together everyday for
a few days. One day he came
back to my cubicle to see my work.
As we were looking at my paintings, our hands reached for one at the
same time, and I felt this little jolt of electricity pass between
us.
Shit, Brian thought, just
like Noel. His stomach
twisted and he thought his dinner might come
up. He downed the rest of his
wine to force it back. He poured
himself another glass, leaned back and in his best Brian Kinney
dont give a fuck voice, he said,
Continue.
Justin looked at him, unsure what to say
next. I...we... Before
I knew it, we were on the floor, kissing ... and
fucking.
Swept away by passion? Brian
sneered. Was he
good?
Brian,
dont...
Dont!
I think its you that needed to heed that
word.
I...Im sorry, but I wanted him
and he wanted me.
Just like Noel and
me? Is this some kind of sick
payback, Justin? Brian
was angry.
Of course
not! How could you think
that? It just
happened. We wanted each other.
It has nothing to do with Noel.
Interesting timing though, dont
you think?
No, I dont
think! One has nothing to do
with the other.
Brian looked intently at
Justin. He didnt know
if he believed him or not.
So was he good? As
good as me? Better?
Different! was Justins
somewhat defiant answer.
I guess you enjoyed it? Brian
asked, hoping against hope that the answer would be no.
Yes, I did.
Was that the only
time?
Justin blinked, and Brian knew it
wasnt. No,
he said. I went to his
dorm last night to talk to him.
And you fucked
again!
Yes.
Several
times?
Yes.
So thats why you needed the shower
when you finally came home?
I guess.
And then you asked me to fuck you
too. Making
comparisons?
Dont be cruel,
Brian.
Oh, I havent even
started!
I dont want to
fight.
I think I
do. Otherwise, I might kill
you, or myself! Brian spat out between clenched
teeth.
Dont say things like
that!
Why not?
Does it scare you, because you
scare me?
Scare
you? Why? Justin asked,
bewildered.
After all weve been through,
after Noel and what he did to us, youre ready to toss it all away for
Derek! Thats pretty fucking
scary, Justin. I thought we
meant more than that!
We do,
Brian. I didnt say we
were through. I just have to
figure out what to do about Derek.
Im confused.
What to do about
Derek? Tell him to fuck
off! Tell him youre in
a relationship. Tell him you
love me!
I already have ... and it didnt
help.
What do you
mean?
I still want him, Justin said,
looking sad.
What about
me? Brian never thought
he would hear himself ask that question, but there it
was.
I want you
too.
Well. I dont think it works that
way. Im not into
sharing! Maybe Gus is, but I
dont share my toys.
So now Im a
toy?
I didnt mean it that
way.
Brian, if youll listen for a
minute? Justin waited,
and when Brian neither moved nor said anything, he
continued. I understand now your attraction to
Noel.
Brian shook his
head. Thats whats
at the root of this, isnt it? he asked.
No, Brian, Justin said
again. Its
not. The attraction I feel for
Derek is more. You didnt
want Noel once youd had him.
That makes me sound like a selfish
asshole. There was a lot more
to it. You know why I didnt
want Noel.
I know, but Derek isnt like
Noel. Hes kind and funny
and interesting, and I like him, as well as being attracted to
him.
So, hes perfect? Brian
asked.
Kinda.
I dont think perfect can be
qualified, Brian sneered.
Well, pardon
me! Justin took offense
to Brians tone. He
wasnt going to be treated like a little kid who needed to be taught
what his words meant.
What are you and Mr. Perfect planning
to do? Brian asked.
To do?
Are you moving
out? In with
him? Away from me?
I dont want to leave you,
Justin said, looking uncertain.
But you want to keep fucking
him?
I...yes, Justin
conceded.
Well, that makes him more than a trick
then, doesnt it? I guess
we wouldnt be having this conversation if he was just a
trick. Lets
see. Someone once told me, and
I quote, Tricks dont matter, but this is something way
beyond that.
Brian, I needed to be honest with
you. I have to figure this out
for myself.
Youre right about
that. And while youre
figuring it out, I think you need to stop fucking both of
us.
What do you
mean?
Just what I
said. Until you choose, you
dont fuck either of us.
Brian...
I told
you. I dont share and
I wont be anybodys bit on the side.
Justins anger flared at
that. What are you talking
about? Ive never treated
you that way. You know I love
you.
Do
I? Does the name Ethan Gold
ring any bells? Weve been
down this road before, and I thought we had gotten beyond
this.
We have, but things happen in
relationships.
Yeah, said
Brian.
Things.
Do you want me to leave? Justin
asked.
No...Yes...I dont know,
Brian said, disappointed that Justin seemed no longer willing to fight for
their relationship.
Maybe its best if I do,
Justin stated, wanting Brian to tell him to stay.
Brian shrugged.
Ill go to Debbies for tonight,
if thats what you want?
Call her! Brian ordered, willing
this to be over.
All right! Justin shot back,
and walked over to the phone.
Brian retreated to the bathroom and closed
the door. He threw some water
on his face, and leaned on the counter. His head pounded and he felt like someone had kicked him
in the gut. He didnt know
how long he stood there, when he heard a tap on the door.
What? he
snarled.
Debbie says I can come
over. Im taking a few
things, just for tonight, Justin said tentatively.
Whatever, Brian replied, standing
up. Im going out
anyway. Dont be here when
I get back!
Justin looked like someone had slapped him,
and thats what Brians words felt like, a slap in the
face. He knew Brian would find
a trick to fill his bed tonight once he was gone.
Brian brushed past him, grabbed his leather
jacket from the closet and was gone before Justin could say or do
anything.
Justin sank down onto the bed and put his
head in his hands. He wanted
to cry, but even tears had abandoned
him. He grabbed some clothes for the next day, his books, his
knapsack and his jacket. He
carefully set the alarm as he left.
ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
Brian took another drink from the bottle
of Beam. That emptied
it. He wanted more, but he
wasnt sure he could get over to the kitchen to get
it. He started to push himself
up from the couch, but he winced in pain as he put pressure on his injured
hand. He looked at it and saw
a bit of blood begin again. He had reopened a couple of the cuts.
Fuck! he said
aloud.
He used his good hand to help him stand up,
swaying a bit. He took a step
and staggered back against the couch. He put a hand down to save himself and yelped in
pain. He had used his injured
hand.
Fucking stupid! he
cursed.
He righted himself and looked at his
hand. It really was a
mess. He stood straight as he
could and headed himself in the direction of the
kitchen. He grabbed the counter for support, this time using his
right hand, his good one. Keeping
contact with the counter he went round to the cupboard where he stored the
liquor.
Ah, he said, pulling out a new
bottle of Beam. He put the bottle
in his left elbow and holding it against his body, he used his right hand
to twist open the lid. He only
spilled a little. He took a
good slug from the bottle. His
left hand throbbed. He leaned
against the sink and ran some water over the
wounds. Then he poured some
Beam over his hand, and grunted in protest to the stabbing
pain. He knew hed never
make it to the bathroom, so he opened the door beneath the sink and pissed
in the garbage can. That felt
better. He grabbed a towel from a drawer and wrapped it around
his hand, tucking in the end.
I should have been a doctor,
he said, pleased with himself.
I could have taken out my heart a long time ago, and avoided
all this shit.
He grabbed the new bottle of Beam and staggered
back to the couch. Was it Saturday
or Sunday? He wasnt
sure. It was dark
out. Probably Saturday
night, he thought. If
its Sunday, Ill never make it to work
tomorrow. He chuckled
insanely. Vancell
have to do his own shit. No
Brian Kinney to save the day this time, he said to the
loft.
If it was still Saturday, then Justin had
left two days ago. What difference
did it make how long he had been gone? It just mattered that he was gone, for
good!
That required another drink or
two. He slumped on the couch
and downed a few more mouthfuls of Beam.
His head lolled back, as he cradled the bottle between his
thighs.
ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
After Justins revelation, Brian was
hurt and angry and disillusioned.
The idea of disillusionment in the same context as him gave Brian
pause.
Im the ultimate realist,
he told himself. At least
I used to be.
He headed for Babylon and the back
room. If Justin was fucking
around, then he would too. Within
minutes of arriving, he was getting his dick
sucked. He hadnt done this for months, since he and Justin
had gotten back together.
Just like riding a bike, he thought
as he came. He immediately shoved
the man away and zipped up. He
didnt even have a feeling of release, let alone of
satisfaction.
He went out to the dance floor, looking for
someone more appetizing. He
saw a couple of likely prospects dancing together and worked his way over
to them. He used his patented
come-on line, and they agreed to go back to the
loft. He gave them the address and went to find a drug
connection. He could use a few
good hits of something to make this more palatable.
Christ!
When did sex have to be palatable? he
thought. I am so
screwed.
He got some E and headed for the
loft. The two tricks were waiting
at the front door. Justin
better be gone! he vowed to himself. Otherwise, Im going
to give him quite a show!
Come in, guys, he said, ushering
them up to the loft. He looked
around as he opened the door, noting that Justin was not
there. He wasnt sure if
he was happy or sad or disappointed that he was no longer
there.
Nice place, one of the tricks
observed.
Yeah, Brian
replied. The bedrooms
up there. Go
ahead.
The two men went up the steps already removing
their clothes. Brian poured
himself a glass of Beam. He
had taken a couple of hits of the E and his dick was
responding. He dropped his jacket
and swallowed the Beam. He pulled
off his shirt and headed for the
bedroom. The two men were naked
on the bed, blowing each other.
Hey, wait for me! he said, getting
rid of his pants.
They welcomed him onto the bed, one capturing
his mouth and the other his cock. They kissed and sucked for
awhile. Brian wanted to fuck.
One trick lay on his back and the other started fucking
him. Brian lined up behind this
man and drove his penis in. He
liked driving the train, as he called
it. When they all finally came,
they collapsed in a heap on the bed.
That was better, he
thought.
One of the tricks said, That was fucking
fantastic!
Brian snorted, So I havent lost
my touch.
Lets go again, the other
trick said.
Sure, said Brian, as one attacked
his cock and the other sucked on his
tits. He was ready, if only he didnt see Justins
face when he closed his eyes.
ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
His eyes sprang
open. He thought Justin might
be standing there in front of him.
The image had been so vivid.
He looked around, but he was definitely
alone. He must have dozed off
or passed out. He wasnt
sure. He felt something between
his legs, and it wasnt a dick, his or anyone
elses. He looked down
and saw the Jim Beam bottle. He
laughed. My old friend,
he said, lifting it up, and holding it against his
chest. Then he took a long
drink.
Where was the nothingness that he longed
for? He remembered thinking
about the tricks hed brought home when Justin had gone to
Debbies. They had distracted
him for a few hours, but eventually he told them to get out, and resorted
to liquor and drugs. It seemed
to be getting harder and harder to dull the pain and blot out the unwanted
thoughts.
Pain.
He looked at his left hand.
It was all wrapped up. When
had he done that? Time seemed
to have no meaning. He wasnt
sure anymore when events had happened, in what order, what was real and what
he was imagining.
He took another long drag of the Beam and
set the bottle on the floor. He
draped his legs over the arm of the couch and laid
back. Maybe he could
sleep.
ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
Brian had managed to set the alarm after
he kicked out the trick twins.
When it woke him, he debated skipping work, but decided against
it. Work would take his mind
off Justin, and help him to get through the day.
About 3 pm, after a rather uninspiring day,
Cynthia buzzed him to say that Justin was on line
one. He debated not taking it,
but decided he needed to deal with this head on.
Justin? he said into the
phone.
Brian, Id like to come to the
loft tonight after dinner.
Ive made some decisions, and I need to talk to
you.
Okay, said
Brian. See you about
eight?
Sure, Justin replied and hung
up.
Shit!
That was fucking abrupt! I
wonder what that means? Brian muttered to
himself. Hed find out
tonight. He had already decided
that he wasnt going to share Justin with the
dancer. Hed go it alone
if he had to.
Brian picked at his
takeout. He wasnt hungry,
but he had to do something while he waited for
Justin. He was dreading what
he thought Justin was going to tell him.
Promptly at eight the buzzer
sounded. Shit! Brian
said. He wont even
use his key. He buzzed
him up.
Brian opened the loft door, and leaned against
the frame, as he waited for the elevator to
arrive. Justin pushed up the
gate and stepped out.
Brians cock stirred.
The boy looked good.
Hey, Justin
said.
Hey, Brian replied and stepped
back to let Justin enter. He
closed the door. Want
a beer? he asked.
Sure, said Justin, hoping that
might ease the tension.
Brian opened two beers and handed one to
Justin. He went over to the
couch and sat down. Justin sat
in the chair opposite.
So, Brian said, what big
decision have you made?
I want
you. I love you and I always
will.
Brians heart thumped in
relief. He had expected the
worst. Thats
good, he said. I
feel the same way.
Justin gave a small smile in recognition
of Brians statement.
That wasnt much of a response,
Brian thought. So what
does that mean about where we are? he asked aloud.
It means I want to stay here with
you.
Really?
Thats good. Brian was pleased.
Justin smiled a little
more.
What about Derek? Brian had to
ask.
I want to be friends with him,
Justin stated.
Just
friends?
I think so.
You think
so? That doesnt sound
very definite. What does Derek
say about it? Brian asked.
Derek isnt
happy. He wants to keep things
as they were or maybe take them farther.
So, if he pressures you to fuck, what
will happen?
Nothing.
Are you
sure?
I cant say a hundred percent,
Justin admitted.
Why dont you cut him
loose?
I...I cant, Justin
said.
You
cant? Dont you mean
you wont?
No...I...
What the fuck is this all
about? I thought you made a
decision. This sounds like
youre going to keep seeing him, and in all likelihood fucking
him. Am I
right?
No, I dont think
so. Im going to try to
prevent that.
This is fucking
ridiculous!
Brian, I dont know what else
to do, Justins voice quavered.
Well I
do! Tell him to get lost or
tell me to get lost, Brian demanded.
I cant do
that.
Yes you can!
Justin shook his head.
Maybe we should talk to Frank about
this, Brian said hopefully.
No, Justin cut him
off. I dont want
him telling me what to do. I
have to work this out myself.
Frank wouldnt tell you what to
do. You know
that. But he might give you
a new perspective on things.
Justin shook his head
again.
I think youd rather have the
problem than the solution. In
fact Im beginning to wonder if you actually like the problem,
Brian stated.
What?
Justin looked hurt.
You heard
me. You really want to have
your cake and eat it too. You
havent decided anything, except that youre going to continue
being selfish.
Me?
Selfish? Look whos
talking!
Brian was taken
aback. He knew many people
considered him selfish and he did little to change their opinions, but Justin
had never called him that.
You could have Noel, but I cant
have Derek.
Not the same, Brian responded,
shaking his head.
Not in your supreme
opinion! To me, it
is.
And I say Derek is another Ethan, another
instance of me not being enough for you.
Justin
cringed. Brian sure as shit
knew how to hurt him. Well,
fuck you, Brian!
Everythings so black and white to you, so
easy! If youre forcing
me to choose, I may just choose Derek.
Hes not a selfish asshole like you!
Justin had stood up and was screaming at
him. He stomped into the
bedroom.
I see your true opinion of me has finally
been revealed, Brian said, his voice dripping with sarcasm and
pain.
Brian heard him opening
drawers. He walked over to the
steps, and watched Justin stuff clothes into a
pillowcase.
Is that it? Brian
asked.
Ive had it with you! Justin
yelled at him.
Youve had it all right,
Brian shot back. You think
this is easy for me?
Fuck you!
Not
anymore. Brian had to
resort to sarcasm to keep from begging.
You think you can force me to do what
you want. Well, not this
time. Im going to do what
I want.
You always could,
Justin. I thought you were here
because you wanted to be.
So did I, but I guess I was fooling
myself.
I guess were both fools
then.
Right!
So this is it.
Looks that way, Brian
snapped. He could feel pieces
of his heart ripping from his chest.
Im
leaving. Ill get the rest
of my stuff later, Justin said, hoping Brian would stop
him. It didnt happen and
Justin made it to the door of the loft.
Sure, said Brian, wanting to
grab Justin and make him stay.
Oh, fuck off! Justin yelled in
frustration. He slammed the
door behind him and ran down the stairs, a few tears escaping despite his
best efforts.
What have I done? he asked himself
as he reached the lobby. He
sank down on the last step.
I went up there to tell him I love him and I want to be with
him. What
happened? I was going to push Derek away, keep him as a friend only,
if I could! Brian probably knew
I wouldnt be able to do that.
Whats wrong with me?
Why cant I be strong?
God dammit! Brian said to the
empty loft, to the Fates who tormented him, to the God he didnt believe
in. Why didnt I
stop him? Brian couldnt
believe he had let Justin go once again.
Justin had said he loved him and wanted
him. That fucking Derek
crap! Brian knew on some level
that Derek was more important to Justin as a friend than a
lover. He also knew that it
was really him that Justin wanted, not
Derek. Why couldnt
I cut him a little slack? It
would have passed. Whats
wrong with me? Why cant
I give a little occasionally?
ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
Brian started and jerked
upright. He was still on the
couch and he realized he had been
asleep. The gray light of dawn
was beginning to seep through the curtained windows.
Im sobering up, Brian
thought. He retrieved the Jim
Beam bottle from the floor. He
raised the bottle and was about to take a drink, when he suddenly
stopped. He looked at the bottle
and changed his mind.
No, he said
aloud. Fucking
no! He dropped the bottle back to the
carpet. He raised his left hand
and flexed it gingerly. It hurt
like hell. He pulled the towel
apart and looked at the wounds.
They had stopped bleeding, but still looked raw and cruel.
He made a quick
decision. With not too great
an effort he stood up. He stretched
his knotted back and didnt stumble.
I can do this, he said
aloud.
He pulled the towel back around his hand
and headed for the bedroom. He
made a quick trip to the bathroom.
While pissing, he vaguely remembered what he had done in the
kitchen. Hed have to clean
that up - later. He grabbed
jeans, a T-shirt and his jacket.
His shoes he found beside the
bed. He managed to get dressed
without hurting his hand too much.
He made a quick phone call and headed out.
Ten minutes later he was in the emergency
room at the hospital. Being
early Sunday morning, it was very quiet, and a young intern put a few stitches
in his hand, and asked for his number. Brian was tempted, but said
nothing. The doctor bandaged his hand, and gave him his
card.
You never know, the doctor said,
smiling and walking away.
Brian looked at the card and stuck it in
his jacket. He felt surprisingly
well as he headed out to the Jeep. He had expected a much worse
hangover. He looked at his watch and headed
downtown. On the way he picked
up a latte which he was still sipping when he walked into Frank Jamisons
office.
Thanks for doing this on a Sunday morning,
doc, he said.
You sounded like you needed
me.
I do.
Wheres Justin? the doctor
asked, never having seen either of them separately.
Thats why I needed to see
you.
How so?
Justins
gone. We had a
fight.
I
see. What
happened?
Justin met some ballet boy and they
fucked. He told me about it,
but wouldnt or couldnt give him
up. I told him I didnt
share, and he left.
Frank looked at Brian who had once again
reduced life-shattering events to a few carefully chosen sentences that told
the story, but revealed very little of what actually
happened.
And the problem is ...? Frank
asked.
Hes gone, Brian replied
simply.
And you dont like
that?
Of course
not!
How do you feel about
it?
Angry, miserable ... hurt, he
admitted.
Did you tell Justin
that?
No.
Why?
I didnt...know...what to
say.
What did you say to
him?
Brian thought for a moment, then shook his
head. I asked him if this
was some kind of sick payback for Noel.
How did he respond to
that?
He told me I was
wrong. That it just
happened. They were attracted
to each other.
Do you believe
that?
I guess so, but even if I do, he
wont stop being with Derek.
I told him he had to give up one of us, but he said he
couldnt.
Do you see a parallel with
Noel?
In the beginning maybe, but Noel was
a prick. Justin wants to be
friends with Derek.
And that bothers
you?
The friendship part doesnt, but
he couldnt promise that thats all it would
be.
Is that the crux of the
problem?
I guess
so. I cant do
that. I...he...means too much to
me. Derek isnt a
trick. He isnt just a
friend. Hes
more. Brian leaned over,
resting his elbows on his knees, his head hanging
down. Why am I never
enough? he whispered.
Is that what you think? Frank
asked.
Brian looked
up. First Ethan, now
Derek. Why cant I get
it right? Im
pathetic!
I dont know that you are in control
of this, Brian. Justins
feelings are his, not yours. This
may not be something he can control.
In a way this is like Noel, even if you dont want to admit
it.
But I didnt want Noel after the
first time. Justin still wants
Derek.
Hes not you,
Brian. You didnt want
Justin after the first time either, but he wouldnt go
away. He doesnt treat
sex and relationships the way you do.
He needs to connect with people, you try not
to. He may have an attraction
and an attachment to this Derek, but he loves
you. Im sure Justin knows
the difference, and I think you do too.
I did think that I should cut him some
slack, Brian admitted.
But you
didnt?
No, I just
couldnt. I made him choose,
and he left.
Do you want him
back?
Brian looked at his bandaged
hand. Yes, he said
with surety. Im
a mess without him. He
hesitated. But sometimes I wonder if its worth the pain,
especially for him. Hed
be better off without me. I
make him miserable too often.
Do you think hes happy right
now?
Probably not, but he could get over
it.
Can you?
I dont think
so.
Then dont assume that he
can.
Brian
chuckled. Shit, Frank,
youre good. You always
turn it around so I see the other side.
Justin called me selfish, because I could have Noel and he couldnt
have Derek. I dont think
he ever called me selfish before, but I
am. I only think about
myself. Brian shook his
head.
Excuse me, Brian, but
bullshit! You just said hed
be better off without you.
Yeah, but I still want him back. Thats selfish.
Then tell him that you want him
back. Its his
decision. It has nothing to
do with you being selfish or not.
You know, if I had told him not to
go, I think he might have stayed.
Why cant I be honest about my
feelings?
Lack of
practice. Franks
eyes twinkled.
Brian chuckled
again. Thats true,
but I dont get many opportunities to
practise.
And when you do, you clam
up.
Brian nodded
ruefully. So what am I
going to do?
What do you want to
do?
Talk to
Justin.
Sounds good to
me.
And...?
Tell him how I
feel?
Frank smiled. Youre a quick study.
Thanks,
Frank. Brian stood
up. Somehow I knew you
would help me. Would you talk
to Justin, if I can get him to come to see you?
Of course, but dont force
it. Justin needs to make his
own decisions.
Brian nodded and left.
He sat in the Jeep for a while, thinking
about how to proceed. He really
did want Justin back, almost on any
terms. Can I actually
admit I need him that much? he
wondered. He never showed weakness
to anyone, but he had a feeling he would have to show it to Justin this
time. Justin was worth
it. Justin was everything he
wanted and needed.
Was this
love? When you couldnt
see a future without the other person.
When the day was only worthwhile when the other person was there to
come home to. When you felt
such joy and pain in the hands of the other
person. When you could drive
glass into your hand and not realize you had done it because the other person
hurt you more. When you could
share a meal, a song, a dance, a heart with the one person who made them
smell better, sound better, taste better, feel better, just by being
there. And that other person,
that one person, was Justin.
He punched Justins number on his cell
phone.
Hello, Justin
answered.
Hey, its me, Brian
said.
Oh? Justin sounded
remote.
I need to talk to
you.
What about?
Us.
Is there an
us?
I hope
so. I have some things to tell
you. Can I pick you
up?
All right, but I dont want to
fight.
Neither do
I.
Im at
Debbies. Ill be
out front.
Good.
Ten minutes.
ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
Brian turned into Debs
street. He saw Justin sitting
on the porch steps. His heart
skipped a beat, his cock stirred and his stomach gave a little
flip. Shit! Brian
thought. I cant
even look at him without all these feelings.
He pulled to a stop and Justin got
in. Brian peeled away without
saying a word. He couldnt
talk, not yet. He drove in silence,
staring straight ahead. Justin
did the same, not even glancing at Brian.
After a few minutes Justin knew where they
were going, and he smiled a little smile of
contentment. This was a good
omen. Brian pulled onto the
shoulder by the river and got out.
Justin followed him down to their bench along the
bank. They both sat down, neither
saying anything.
After a minute Brian turned to face
Justin. He looked deeply into
those blue eyes, and saw trust, hope, love and the
future.
I love you, he
said.
Justin blinked and
smiled.
I know, he
said. I love you too,
but its nice to hear you say it.
I really mean it, Brian felt
compelled to add.
Justins smile grew bigger, and he almost
threw himself into Brians arms, but Brian raised his hand to stop
him.
It doesnt solve everything though,
does it? he said.
It sure
helps.
Thats
good. I went to see Frank this
morning.
You
did? By
yourself?
Yes.
Ive been a mess since you
left. Brian looked at
his bandaged hand and grimaced.
What have you
done? Justin reached for
the injured hand, but Brian pulled it away.
It doesnt matter right
now. I have to say some things
to you, and Im not sure I can get through
them.
You can tell me anything, Brian,
Justin said sincerely.
I know, but I have to have the guts
to get it out.
You have
guts.
Brian
snorted. Im really
a coward. If I never admitted
that I love you, and need you, and cant live without you, then I appeared
strong. But Im admitting
all this now. My life is useless
without you. Im a mess
when youre gone. I want
you back, but I dont want to hurt you and make you
miserable. I dont want
to be selfish, but I need you. I
love you.
My God,
Brian! Do you mean
that?
Yes.
Every sappy, but heartfelt word.
Justin launched himself into Brians
arms and welded his mouth to the mouth he had missed so much for the last
few days. The kiss was long
and hard and urgent. When he
finally pulled back to look at Brians face, they were both
breathless.
I missed you so much, Justin
said.
Me too!
What happened to your hand? Justin
asked, taking the bandaged hand gently into his own.
I crushed a glass, Brian said
simply.
Was it my head you were imagining?
Justin asked, eyes big.
Shit,
no! It was what my heart felt
like. The pressure was unbearable
after you left.
Oh, Brian, Justin whispered,
and laid his head against the older mans
chest. He felt Brian shudder
and kiss the top of his head.
I love you so much, Justin
vowed.
And I love you, but we always hurt
each other.
I think intense feelings create extreme
situations.
No shit! Brian
reacted.
Justin
chuckled. You have such
a way with words, Mr. Kinney.
Im amazed Ive found as
many words to say as I have.
I think youve done very
well. Ive waited a long
time to hear you say these things.
I mean them.
I
know. You always say what you
mean. Thats why this is
so important to me, and to you.
Frank made me realize how much I hold
back, and how different we are.
Different?
How? Justin asked, curious.
I told him about
Derek. He showed me that I was
trying to make you treat Derek like I treated
Noel. But youre not
me. He said you needed to connect
with people, and I tried not to. Yet I judge everything through the way I am, not through
the way you would see it.
Wow!
Frank is a smart man.
You got that right! Brian
stated.
So, are you saying I can be friends
with Derek?
Ultimately thats not for me to
decide. Im saying you
have to do whats right for you.
I want you on whatever terms you decide.
God, Brian, I cant believe you
just said that!
Neither can
I. Im a
wuss!
No, youre
not. Thats very brave
and risky for you.
You
think? Brian looked
worried.
I dont love
Derek. I never
have. I am attracted to him and I like him, but I love
you. I want Derek as a friend,
but I want to make a life with you.
I dont think Derek and I will be involved sexually
anymore.
You dont? Brian asked,
surprised. He had just given
Justin permission to do anything he wanted.
We were attracted physically, and still
are, but hes not you. I
really only want you, you big lug, Justin said, poking Brian in the
ribs.
Why did you tell me about him in the
first place?
I didnt want another Ethan-type
thing, Justin said.
We said wed be honest.
And look where that got us! Brian
grimaced.
Were here now, arent
we?
Brian
nodded. Maybe honesty
is the best policy.
Yeah.
It may hurt at the time, but in the long run its for the
best.
How did you get to be so smart at such
a young age?
Oh, didnt I tell
you? Im a genius!
Justin gloated.
Twat! Brian replied, hugging
him.
Can we go home
now?
You want to?
Of
course! I never wanted to
leave.
And I didnt want you to
go!
Why didnt you say so? Justin
asked.
Im emotionally
challenged. You know
that.
Justin
laughed. We do have to
work on that. Im glad
you went to see Frank, Justin said, looking solemn.
So am
I. He really
helped. I dont know if I could have done this without his
support.
Hes a good
guy.
The
best! He said hed talk
to you, if you wanted.
Do you think I
should?
Its up to
you. I just know that he helped
me.
Maybe I will, Justin said,
thinking.
Lets go, Brian said, standing
up and pulling Justin into a hug.
He wrapped one arm around Justins waist and they headed up to
the Jeep.
Im going to show you how much
Ive missed you as soon as I get you home, Brian vowed, kissing
Justins cheek.
Is that a promise? Justin asked,
smiling his sunshine smile.
Its a
guarantee!
They got into the Jeep.
Shit! Brian
said.
Whats wrong? Justin wanted
to know.
I just
remembered. There is some cleaning
up to do at the loft. Its
kind of disgusting.
Like what? Justin
asked.
Brian thought about the blood and the Beam,
broken glass and a certain deposit under the sink.
Oh, just me being a little messy after
you left. Hed explain
later, if he had to. Right now
he was too happy just having Justin
back. Hed worry about
that stuff later.
ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
As soon as they hit the loft, they ripped
off each others clothes and fucked until they were
sated. Being apart always made
the sex more intense, and by late Sunday afternoon they were exhausted, but
very happy.
Brian cradled Justin against his chest, content
to just touch and look at the boy.
He ran his hands constantly over Justins arms and
chest. He felt so grateful to
have him back, to be able to touch him and smell him and kiss
him.
He sighed.
Whats wrong? Justin asked,
looking up at Brians face.
Nothing, Brian
responded. That was a
sigh of contentment.
You,
content? I thought there was
never enough.
Youre enough.
Youre
everything.
I think thats the nicest thing
youve ever said to me.
Justin kissed his cheek.
Brian
purred. I guess I should
say more nice things to you. Let
you know how important you are to me.
That would be
nice.
I really am a shitty
lover.
No, youre the
best. No one can compare to
you.
Even
Derek? As soon as Brian
said it, he wished he could take it
back. He didnt want to
spoil this moment.
Justin sat
up. He looked into Brians
eyes. How can I prove
to you that youre the one I want?
Even if there are others that Im attracted to, Ill always
love you, not them.
How can you be
sure? Im an asshole
sometimes. I know Im not
easy to live with. Im
a fucked up mess, Brian admitted, looking sad.
But youre my fucked up mess,
and I love you.
Thats why I need
you. Youre so good for
my ego.
Justin
giggled. I dont
think your ego needs any help.
Brian looked at him
intently. Sometimes it
does, you know.
What?
Justin stared at Brian.
When you left me, I felt like a failure
again. I went to see Frank to
figure out why Im never enough.
Are you serious? Justin
couldnt believe his ears.
Do I look like Im joking?
Brian scowled.
No, you
dont. Brian, you always
seem so confident, so sure of
yourself. Justin shook
his head.
Most of the time I am, but when it
comes to ... relationships, I dont have a
clue. Im perpetually sure
that Im going to fuck it up, and Im usually
right. Like when you leave me
for someone else.
Oh, Brian, Justin said, clinging
to him even tighter. I
love you. Im
sorry. I dont mean to
hurt you.
But you
have. Weve hurt each
other.
Thats true, but that isnt
all weve done. Sometimes
you have made me so happy, like when you just told me I was everything to
you. Have I made you happy
too?
Remember that day we took Gus to the
park. I told you that would
be my answer to the What is the happiest day of your life?
question. It still stands, although
having you come home today is a close second.
Justin kissed him and smiled his sunshine
smile. I love you, love
you, love you! he said.
How do we get into these messes where we hurt each
other?
I dont
know. The Fates seem to have
it in for us, or else were just natural born
fuck-ups.
I dont believe
that. We deserve to be
happy.
Are you
sure?
Yes, I
am. Weve been through
so much, but we always end up together, even with the detours weve
had along the way.
Thats
true. I cant imagine my
life without you anymore.
Really?
Justin looked a little scared.
I didnt mean to scare
you. That sounds like an awful
responsibility to lay on you, but its how I
feel. When you were gone the last few days, I reverted to my
old ways. Its no
good. I dont want that
life. I want a life with
you.
Me
too. Justin sighed and
kissed Brians cheek.
Do you think well get it right this
time?
I doubt it, Brian replied, tongue
in cheek and twinkle in eye.
Justin smacked
him. Brian, he
groaned.
I think well fuck up
again. Were good at it,
but I hope well be smart enough to fix it before it gets too
bad.
We
will. I know it, Justin
vowed.
Ever the optimist! Brian
commented.
Well, one of us has to
be.
Are you calling me a
pessimist?
You have your
moments.
Yeah, I do, dont
I?
But I love you anyway, Justin
cooed.
And I love you too, despite your
optimism, Brian teased.
Asshole, Justin
giggled.
Twat! Brian said, tickling
him.
Stop!
Brian, let me go! Justin tried to escape Brians tickling
fingers.
Never, Brian said, continuing
to tickle.
Stop, please! Justin begged,
breathless.
What will you give me if I
do?
Anything!
Please!
Be specific.
The greatest fuck of your life!
Justin promised.
Dont make claims you cant
produce, Brian said, letting him
up. Prove
yourself!
Yes, sir. Justin saluted, and
started kissing him.
By the time he was through, Brian had to
admit he had never been fucked like that before, but he hoped he would be
again and again and again, for as long as they both
lived.