Seeing Clearly

Chapter 5

“Oh, fuck!” Brian gasped as he came … hard.

Justin felt Brian’s weight drop down on top of him, and instinctively his arms came across Brian’s back holding him in place.  Justin never wanted Brian to leave, even though he knew there were mere moments until Brian rolled aside.  He linked his fingers, holding Brian tight.  He would have these few moments, and maybe he could even extend them, just a little bit.  These were the moments when he felt closest to Brian, totally connected.  These were the best moments when they had sex, or when they made love.  This had been love.  Justin knew it as surely as he knew his own name.

“Justin,” Brian whispered.  It came out as something between a moan and a groan.

“I’m here.”

“I’m crushing you.”

“I like you right where you are,” Justin whispered against Brian’s sweaty hair.  “Stay.”

Brian breathed deeply smelling the scent that was uniquely Justin.  They were still joined, but after another few seconds Brian felt his softening cock slip out of Justin.  Justin’s little gasp only reinforced the loss that they both felt at that moment.  Brian stayed where he was, liking the feel of Justin’s arms around him.  If he didn’t know better, he would admit to himself that Justin was protecting him, comforting him, loving him.  Brian knew that he was the alpha male, but sometimes it was just what he needed – these feelings of being taken care of that Justin elicited from him – feelings that he had never felt before, never allowed himself to feel before.  And he knew deep inside himself that these feelings were something he had craved all his life, but wouldn’t have even been able to put a name to before he met this incredible young man.

“You okay?” Brian whispered after a couple of minutes.

“Perfect,” Justin replied, his arms still wrapped around Brian.  “You?”

“Not bad.”

Justin chuckled.  “Is that your standard answer to everything?”

“Yeah.”

Justin laughed a little louder.  “I thought so.”

“You’re a smart little fucker.”

“I know.”

“Thanks for making me feel better after our aborted voyage to Muncherville.”

“Why do you call their place that?”

“I don’t know.  I always call it that.”

“Maybe you should try a little harder not to antagonize Melanie.”

“Huh?” Brian asked lifting his head from the nice warm spot in the nape of Justin’s neck.

“You know what I mean.  Honey might get you farther than acid.”

“You don’t say.”

“I do say.”

“Well, I guess I could try,” Brian said rolling off of Justin.  “But I don’t think it will make a particle of difference.”

“You never know until you give it a shot.”

Brian turned his head and looked into Justin’s eyes.  He studied this person who had so unexpectedly come into his life when he had most needed him.  Justin seemed ready to handle anything.  That was when Brian made a major decision.

“Got any plans for tonight?” he asked.

“Not unless you do,” Justin replied with a mischievous smile.

“I guess we could stay in bed for the rest of the day, or … we could go dancing at Babylon.”  Brian waited for the reaction.

“Babylon?”  Justin’s eyebrows shot up into his hairline.

“I believe that’s what I said.”

“You want to go to Babylon … with me?”

“Yes.”

“But … will your friends be there?”

“Let’s make sure they are,” Brian said reaching for the portable phone which was on the nightstand.

“You’re going to call them?” Justin asked in disbelief.

“Yep.”

“But why?  I thought you wanted to keep us apart.”

“I’m through with that,” Brian averred.  “What happened today showed me that we’re doing the right thing … being together.  It’s time we came clean and let the chips fall where they will.”

“What kind of chips are you expecting to fall?” Justin asked.  He was slightly worried about this turn of events.

“You remember what happened with Melanie, well, multiply it by three, four if you count Debbie.”

“But aren’t these your friends?” Justin asked in bewilderment.  “You said Melanie didn’t like you.”

“Yes, these are my friends.  Michael, Emmett and even Ted.”

“Then why would they act like Melanie.  I don’t get it.”

“It’s a long standing habit that developed … because I deserve it.”

“Deserve what, Brian?  This doesn’t make any sense.”

There was a long pause.  Brian’s fingers ran lightly over the buttons on the keypad of the phone, but he didn’t push any of them.  “Before I met you…” he began.  “Things were different.”

“Different how?”

“I … I’ve fucked hundreds of guys.  That’s all I was interested in,” Brian admitted, refusing to look Justin in the eye.  He waited for Justin’s reaction which he knew would not be good.

“I hardly thought you were a virgin,” Justin replied.

“But I mean hundreds, probably thousands of guys.”

“You’re not positive or something, are you?” Justin asked, suddenly scared by the direction this was taking.

“No, I’m not.  I get tested regularly.”

“Then what’s the problem?” Justin asked.

“You mean you don’t care?”

“I mean that all happened before I met you.  It’s the person here in bed with me that I love.  I didn’t know that other guy.”

Brian looked into the blue eyes.  They were so sure and confident.  Brian could hardly believe Justin’s reaction.  Then Brian frowned.  “There’s more,” he said grudgingly.

“So tell me.”

“I had a mantra that I lived by.”

When Brian didn’t finish that statement, Justin said, “Which was…?

“No apologies, no regrets.”

“That doesn’t sound so bad.  What does it mean?”

“You know, it means that I don’t apologize, and I…”

“I know what the words mean, Brian.  But what does it mean to you?”

“It meant that I could do whatever I wanted and I would never apologize for my actions,” Brian explained.  It sounded kind of lame when it was expressed that way.

“And what kind of things would you do that you wouldn’t apologize for?”

“Fuck a guy and kick him out.”

“You were … cruel?”

“Yeah, I guess you could call it that.”

“Why?”

“Huh?”

“Why were you like that?”

“It’s just the way I was.”

“And yet, you wouldn’t fuck me.  Why?  You could have kicked me out afterwards.  You still can.”

“You’re different,” Brian said.  “I don’t want to kick you out.”

Justin smiled.  “I’m glad to hear that.”

“I mean it.  You are different.  I never fucked a guy more than once.”

“How many times have we fucked since I met you?” Justin mused.

“Plenty!”

“Too many?” Justin asked, wondering if Brian might be getting ready to throw him out now.

“Never too many, never enough,” Brian said turning on his side and kissing Justin gently.

“What’s different about me, Brian?” Justin asked truly wanting to know.

“I don’t know if I can explain it.  You just are.”

“Is that enough for us to stay together?”

“So far it is,” Brian replied.

“But it might not be in the future?” Justin asked, worry written on his face.

“I can’t promise forever, Justin, but for now and the foreseeable future, you’re what I want.  You’re who I love.”

“And I love you.  I really think we can make this work.”

“I hope we can, but you are awfully young,” Brian said tongue in cheek, hoping to lighten the seriousness of this conversation.

“But very mature,” Justin reminded him.

“Very mature,” Brian chuckled as he agreed.

“More mature than your so-called friends by the sound of it.”

“Quite likely,” Brian admitted.

“Your friends are going to say you’re robbing the cradle, right?”

Brian nodded.  “I can hear Michael telling me I’m into chicken, and I look ridiculous with a young kid.”

“Do you believe that?”

“No.”

“Then what difference does it make?”

“They’re going to make you doubt that I love you.”

“They can’t do that.  I know you love me, and I love you.”

Brian laughed, a happy sweet laugh, not the sarcastic self-deprecating laugh that Justin had heard a few times when Brian mentioned his friends.  “Hold onto that thought.”

“It’s not a thought.  It’s a feeling.  It’s how I feel.”

“I can’t believe I’m lying here in bed with you discussing … feelings.”

“Is that a bad thing?”

“The old Brian Kinney would never have done that.  I never let myself have any feelings.”

“Sure you did, everyone has feelings.”

“Yeah, you’re right, but I never let myself think about them … or really feel them.”

“That’s sad, Brian.”

“Now that I think about it, it is sad.  But that’s the way things were.  I never let anybody see how I felt.  I was sarcastic and … mean.  That way nobody ever saw if they hurt me or made me feel bad.”

“And because of that they could say any mean thing they wanted to?”  Brian nodded.  “And I bet you gave it right back to them.”

“Yes, and harsher.”

“I see.”

Brian frowned.  “What do you see, Justin.  What do you see when you look at me?”

“I see a kind, caring man.  I see Gus’ father.  I see a successful businessman.  I see a gay man who has made it in a straight world.  I see … the man I love.”

Brian swallowed hard.  That was all the things he knew he wanted to be in his life – all the things he had denied himself for so long, except for the business part of what Justin said.  Brian knew he had always been successful in business, and he would continue to do so.  But not so in other aspects of his life.  The other things Justin saw – that was what he wanted.  He wanted those things to be true too.  He wanted to live up to Justin’s view of what he was.  He knew deep inside himself that it wouldn’t be easy, but he also knew that he could do it.

“I love you, Justin Taylor.  I don’t know what you’ve done to me, but I believe it’s for the good.”

“It must have been the crack on your head,” Justin said with a chuckle.  “I haven’t even tried to change you.  I love the man I met in the hospital.  I love you just the way you are, Brian.”

“Maybe that’s what I see when I look at you – someone who knows what I can truly be, not what I’ve always pretended to be,” Brian admitted, his voice soft and full of emotion.

“You can be whatever you want, Brian.  We both can.”

Brian leaned in and kissed Justin, tenderly, gently, lovingly.  This was the man he did love beyond all reason.

“I’m calling my friends.  We’re going to Babylon, and we’re going to show them the new and improved me,” Brian declared, as he hit the speed dial number for Michael.

“If that’s what you want to do, then so be it!” Justin agreed with a pleased smile.

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