Perfection

Chapter 5

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Sunday Brian stayed at the loft never leaving for a minute. He surfed the web looking at porn and trying to forget about Justin Taylor and what had happened at Babylon. He tried to work and forget about Justin Taylor. He even tried to cook a fucking pasta dish and forget about Justin Taylor. He ended up pitching the whole revolting thing down the garbage chute.

He wanted to talk to Justin, but he knew he could never explain why he had left him at Babylon. How could he explain that he was a fucking coward? He had loved their talks at Flanagan's. He had felt like they were really connecting in a way that he never had with another man. Not even… And then Justin had to go and invite him to Babylon … and then to the back room.

Brian let out a long sigh and picked up the phone. He would have liked to call Justin. They had finally exchanged numbers, but he was sure Justin would either blow him off or demand an explanation. He couldn't handle either of those. Finally he hit speed dial and ordered some Thai. Maybe his favorite food would make him feel better.

Brian was just picking away at some of the Thai food in the container when the phone rang. He hesitated wondering who it could be. The caller ID told him that it was Justin. Brian frowned and debated letting the machine pick up. Just before it did, he pushed the talk button.

"Hey," he said like nothing had happened.

"Where did you go?" Justin asked.

Brian could hear the hurt and disappointment in his voice. "Um … something came up."

"That's what Ted told me. Do you want to tell me what the something was?"

"The something was … um … surely Ted could have filled that in for you."

"Fuck Ted and fuck you! If you didn't want to be with me, all you had to do was fucking say so."

"Justin, I…"

"It's too late for explanations. Last night was when that should have happened. I waited all day to hear from you."

"I … um, I couldn't…"

"Fuck it, Brian! Do you know that you say 'um' right before you tell a lie?"

"What?" That one really took Brian by surprise. "I don't lie," he said defensively.

"The fuck you don't!"

"I … I'm sorry about last night," Brian admitted. He was at a loss for what else to say.

"At least you didn't put an 'um' in front of that one," Justin chuckled.

"Great," Brian said with a touch of irony.

"Look, I like you as a friend. I probably shouldn't have asked you to the back room, but I wanted you and … it felt like you wanted me too."

"I did," Brian said managing to force the words out.

"Then, what's the problem. I don't get it." Justin shook his head into the phone. He truly did not understand what had happened between them.

"There's … there's some things you don't know," Brian said reluctantly. He wanted to add that Justin would never know them. No one ever could.

"Then why don't you enlighten me?" Justin asked. "Flanagan's in twenty minutes."

The line went dead before Brian could say anything else. Brian stared at the phone. That was an ultimatum to put it mildly, and Brian Kinney didn't do ultimatums. But it had come from Justin Taylor, and Brian knew that he didn't want to lose that … friendship. If only they could maintain that without having to face the specter of Brian's imperfections.

Brian paced the loft wondering what he should do. He could just ignore Justin's summons. He could finish his decidedly unpalatable Thai food and curl up on the sofa to watch a movie. Or he could stand up like a man and go meet Justin. Maybe he could find the right words to say to make everything okay. Maybe he wouldn't have to tell Justin the truth.

After several minutes of indecision Brian picked up his keys and headed downstairs. When he arrived at Flanagan's he had to force himself to go inside. The coward part of him just wanted to turn tail and run. The better, more noble part of him, wanted to stay friends with Justin. At the very least he didn't want to leave Justin wondering what the fuck had happened.

He pushed open the door to the bar and entered. He could see Justin sitting at the bar nursing a Heineken. Slowly, like the condemned man he believed himself to be, he approached the bar.

"Boilermaker," Brian ordered. "Bring it over to the table," he added deciding that if he was going to have to talk, the least he could have was some privacy. He turned around and headed for the most secluded table far from anyone else in the bar.

Justin watched Brian, noting that he did not make eye contact with him. He knew that didn't bode well for them settling anything. He watched Brian turn and walk over to a table at the back of the bar. For a moment he wondered if he was even invited to sit with Brian. With a sigh, he pushed himself up off the bar stool and followed Brian. He and Casey and Brian's drink arrived at almost the same time.

Casey set the drink down and beat a hasty retreat. He didn't know what was going on between the two men, but he could cut the tension in the air with a dull knife.

"May I?" Justin asked indicating the chair across the small table from Brian.

Brian nodded. "This was your fucking idea."

"What the hell is going on?" Justin asked as he flopped down into the chair. "Everything was fine until we went to Babylon. What happened?"

Brian frowned. How could he possibly explain? "I … um, I had to leave in a hurry."

"You said 'um'," Justin told him.

"Well, there goes your theory. That is not a lie. I had to … leave."

"Why? Couldn't you have taken a minute to tell me you were going?"

"Justin, I… um…" Brian watched Justin's eyebrows go up and he knew he couldn't lie. "Okay, okay, I … I used to be in a relationship," Brian said so soft and low that Justin could barely hear him.

"So?" Justin asked with a frown. He had been in relationships before. What did that have to do with anything? He waited for Brian to explain.

"His name was Garnet Kendall."

When Brian hesitated, Justin said, "Yeah?"

"He … he was perfect. He had these huge blue eyes, and black hair with just the right amount of wave in it. He was long and lean and sexy as hell," Brian added with a far away look in his eyes.

Justin sighed. Sounded like Brian was still in love with this guy. "What happened? Did he die?"

Brian's eyes snapped onto Justin's, and Justin saw the hurt and despair that clouded them. "There was a time that I wished he had died. In fact, maybe I still do," Brian whispered shaking his head at this admission of how much Garnet had hurt him, and how hard it was to face that fact even now.

"He really hurt you, didn't he?" Justin asked as his hand spread across Brian's where it lay on the table. He squeezed gently to let Brian know that he was there for him. He waited for Brian to answer.

"He hurt me more than I can ever admit," Brian said trying to keep his voice from cracking. He didn't seem to realize that he had just disclosed the depths of that hurt.

Justin squeezed Brian's hand again. "You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to."

"I'm not sure I can," Brian admitted.

"Maybe another time."

"Maybe." Brian knew he was avoiding the issue, but he felt like he was about to fall apart and he couldn't stand it.

"So, is this Garnet why you had to leave Babylon?" Justin asked. "Was he there?"

"Fuck no! He never liked the club scene, although that's where I met him."

"Really?"

"Ironic, isn't it?"

"Kind of."

"Why did you say he was perfect?"

"Because he was … is."

"You still think so?"

Brian nodded. "Any guy at Babylon or anywhere else would give their eyeteeth to be with him."

"That's how you felt?"

Brian nodded. "Yeah."

"I don't think he was so perfect," Justin declared.

"How would you know? You've never even seen him."

"He left you, and that makes him stupid, not perfect." Brian let out a strangled laugh. "You look like the perfect one to me," Justin added softly.

"We used to laugh about that. We were the perfect couple. Everybody envied us, wanted to be us, wanted to be with us."

"So what happened to the perfect couple?" Justin had to ask. He felt anger or jealousy or something. He wasn't sure what.

"I'm far from perfect."

"And I bet he is too."

This time Brian shook his head. "You don't know the whole story."

"Do I need to?"

"Probably, but maybe not right now. I could use another drink." Brian signaled to Casey for another round.

After the drinks arrived, Justin looked at Brian who was studiously staring into his glass. "I know you don't want to talk about this, but I get the feeling that you really need to. I'm a good listener."

"I know you are. You already know more about this than anyone else."

"I do?"

Brian nodded. "I haven't told anyone the whole story. Only Garnet and I really know what happened."

"It … it must be hard keeping all that inside," Justin said sympathetically.

"Not so hard when it's a way of life."

"A way of life?"

"I … I have always kept my business to myself. Even my best friend only knows what I want him to know."

"Doesn't he pester you or demand to know or encourage you to talk about it?" Justin asked somewhat bewildered by that statement. What kind of a best friend left Brian to fend for himself at such a horrible time?

"Mikey's not as persistent as you," Brian said with a crooked smile. He was also thinking that Michael was a lot more gullible. He tended to believe Brian when he said nothing was wrong.

"I have been called tenacious," Justin giggled.

"Have you now?"

"When I want something, I go after it."

"No shit!" Brian laughed. Justin was starting to make him feel better.

"Would you like to come back to my place and we could talk more privately?" Justin asked thinking that they were making real progress. Immediately Justin could feel the difference in Brian. It was like a wall went up and the Brian who had been talking to him retreated into some unknown place.

"I … I have to work tomorrow," Brian stammered. "I should be heading home."

"Of course," Justin replied regretting having made such a suggestion. "I just wanted to talk some more."

"Maybe some other time," Brian said standing up. He walked towards the bar to pay his tab and left Justin sitting dejectedly at the table.

Justin watched Brian as he talked to Casey. He had merely intended to have Brian come back to his apartment to continue their talk. Instead he had effectively cut off all interaction. What did Brian think was going to happen if they went to Justin's place? Surely he didn't think Justin would try to jump him. Justin had to chuckle at the absurdity of that. Not that he wouldn't enjoy a sexual encounter with Brian Kinney. It was in fact very tempting. He had to wonder what this Garnet had done to Brian to make the man so timid and skittish when it came to sex.

Brian got in his car and banged his head against the steering wheel. He was such a fucking idiot. He knew that Justin just wanted to talk, but he couldn't take the chance that it might go farther than talk. He just couldn't risk that.

He yanked his cell phone out of his pocket and hit a familiar number. "The usual," he said after identifying himself. "Make sure he knows the rules." Brian snapped his phone shut and gunned the car out of the parking lot.

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