Never Too Late

    **************************************

 

Brian woke with sunlight in his eyes and an ache in his head.

 

“Shit,” he mumbled, looking at the clock - 8 am.

 

He turned over to find a body lying in the bed.

 

“Who the fuck are you?” Brian said to the man.

 

“Greg.  We fucked last night.”

 

“Why are you still here?”

 

“You fell asleep, and then so did I.”

 

“Time for you to go.”

 

“Want a little morning action first?”

 

“Out!”

 

“Fuck you.”  Greg got up, gathered his clothes and marched out.

 

Brian had no memory of finding Greg or fucking him.  He did remember taking some drugs from someone at Babylon - not his usual supplier.  He had broken one of his rules and his head was paying for it.

 

What had happened?  He tried to piece together the events of last night.  Justin!  Fuck!

 

Laughing at him, not believing that he wanted to change, not believing that he could change, saying he was a monster.

 

How could he have been so stupid?  How could he think that a new and improved Brian Kinney could get Justin back?  He was still the same fuck-up that had caused this mess in the first place.  Fuck Lindsay and her advice!

 

Brian reached into the drawer beside the bed.  God, his head hurt.  He pulled out a small jewelry box and opened it.  “Pathetic,” he said, and snapped it closed.  He was such a fool!  He threw the box back in the drawer and slammed it shut.

 

The pain in his head told him there would be no more sleep on this fine Saturday morning.  Maybe some further medication might help.  He rummaged in his stash and found a likely looking package.  He dry swallowed a couple of pills, and then stumbled to the kitchen for a chaser.  He grabbed a bottle of vodka and downed a good slug.

 

So much for changing!” he groaned, collapsing on the couch.

 

He thought about playing “You Are My Sunshine”.  It had helped him so much in the past, but something held him back.  He didn’t think he could bear to listen to it.  It had been the source of his hope and it had grounded him during some of the worst times.   Now that was all destroyed.  He would never get his Sunshine back.

 

He had ruined it all, just like he feared he would.  That was why he never told his feelings, because he knew instinctively that they would be used against him.  He had broken that rule too.  A few comments about trying to improve himself, about trying to be nicer to people, and he was shot down in flames.  Justin pissed in his face, just like he had pissed on Rage.  The one person he wanted to understand him had proved all his old fears to be true.  Justin didn’t understand, nobody did.

 

He was back to where he had been the night Justin left Babylon with Ethan.  This was even worse.  Now he had no hope.  That had been knocked out of him last night.  All of his plans and efforts were destroyed by Justin and his laughter.

 

“Fuck him!  What am I going to do?”

 

Like an answer to that question, he heard the buzzer.  Someone wanted in.  He decided to ignore it, but the person simply leaned on it.  He thought he would scream if he didn’t stop that persistent sound reverberating in his aching head.

 

He stumbled over to the door, pushed the button and said, “Fuck off!”  The buzzing stopped, but as he turned away, it started again.

 

Exasperated, he pushed the button and yelled, “What the fuck do you want?” enunciating each word with all the venom he could muster.

 

“Let me in, asshole!” he heard Debbie say.

 

“Fuck!” Brian said.  He contemplated just leaving her down there, but he knew how persistent she could be.  The buzzer would have to short out before she would quit.

 

He pushed the release button to let her in.  He knew he was going to hate every minute of this.

 

When he slid the door back, Debbie stood there, hands on hips, looking daggers at him.

 

“Are you coming in?” Brian asked.

 

“You bet your ass I am.”

 

“What’s set you off this fine morning?”

 

“You.”

 

“Me?  What have I done now?”

 

“Justin came in for work this morning, looking like shit.  He said you almost knocked him over with the Jeep last night.”

 

“What?”

 

“He said you kicked him out of the car and drove off before he could step away.”

 

“I didn’t hurt him,” Brian said defensively.

 

“Not physically, but you sure shook him up.”

 

“So!  I had my reasons.”

 

“What reasons?”

 

“Frankly, Deb, that’s none of your business.”

 

“Oh, yes it is.  Anything that affects my boys is my business.  I was so pissed with both you and Justin after the “Rage” party.  I didn’t know which one of you to be more mad at - Justin for doing what he did with Ethan or you for being an insensitive bastard and pushing him away.”

 

“How do you know what went on?”

 

“Justin talks to me, which is more than I can say for you.”

 

“So he sent you here to fight his battles for him.”

 

“No, he didn’t want me to come.”

 

“Then why are you here?”

 

“He’s very upset.  He thought you were starting to get along again.  He hoped things were improving.”

 

“Well, so did I, but it just goes to show you how we all delude ourselves.”

 

“What happened last night?”

 

“Didn’t he tell you?”

 

“He said you were talking about changing and improving, and then you just went ballistic all of a sudden.”

 

“Did he say why that happened?”

 

“He just said he had joked about you trying to be nice and that set you off.”

 

“Is that how he saw it?”

 

“Well, what’s your version?”

 

“It doesn’t matter.”

 

“What do you mean, it doesn’t matter?”

 

“I mean that it’s not important.  It’s over and done with.”

 

“Look, asshole, from the shape you’re in right now and from the shape I left Justin in, it obviously does matter - to both of you.  So spill it.”

 

“He doesn’t believe I can change, so what’s the use?”

 

“How do you know that?”

 

“He said so.”

 

“That’s not what he told me.”

 

“He didn’t want to appear to be the insensitive one.  That’s my role.”

 

“I can’t believe he would say that.”

 

“Well that’s what he meant.”

 

“Kiddo, you may have read more into it than was there.  He said he was joking.”

 

“And I was trying to tell him something.”

 

“What?’

 

“I don’t want to get into this with you.”

 

“Stop fighting me on this.  You’re both miserable over what happened.”

 

“Why should he be miserable?”

 

“He still cares about you.”

 

“It’s time he stopped.  We just hurt each other.”

 

“It didn’t used to be that way.”

 

“Well, that’s the way it is now.”

 

“Justin said that you two are so out of sync.  I see what he means.  When he jokes, you want to be serious.  When he wants to talk, you take off.  You’re just not on the same wavelength.”

 

“What a revelation, Deb!  Why do you think we’re in this fucking mess?

 

“Something needs to change.”

 

“That’s what I was trying to do, but no more.”

 

“Look, I know it might seem hopeless, but I saw how upset Justin was.  I’m sure he still loves you.  He thought you two were getting closer, and then it all fell apart.  I think he would like to get back in sync with you again.”

 

“Too late!  He has Ethan and I have some serious drinking to do.”

 

“Brian, don’t do this. Don’t shut down.”

 

“As I said, ‘Too late!’  Are you finished yet, because I know I am?”

 

“Justin still cares and you wouldn’t be acting like this if you didn’t care too.”

 

“Did it ever occur to you that you could be wrong?  That I could be glad that this is over?”

 

“Yeah, right.  I can tell you’re glad by the blurry look in your eyes and your dependence on that bottle in your hand.”

 

“It’s about time you interpreted the signs correctly,” Brian sneered sarcastically.

 

“Stop being such a prick.”

 

“That’s my best feature.”

 

“I give up. You’re impossible.”

 

“You mean I win.  You’ll actually leave now.”

 

“I’m going, but this isn’t finished.”

 

“Yes it is.”

 

“We’ll see about that.”

 

“Deb, give it a rest.  It’s too late.”

 

“It’s never too late,” Debbie said, as Brian closed the door behind her.

 

'That was just the way I wanted to spend my morning,' Brian thought.  'God, Deb is like a bulldog.  Tenacious doesn’t begin to describe her.  But she’s wrong this time.'

 

“I need another hit,” he said to the empty loft.  He went over to his stash and took another couple of pills, washed down with the ever present vodka bottle in his hand.

 

He stumbled a bit as he went over to the stereo and started to play “You Are My Sunshine”.

 

“Why do I want to hear this now,” he wondered.

 

Debbie had triggered something.  Maybe Justin did still care.  Maybe he had read him wrong in the Jeep.  Maybe there was a grain of hope left in Pandora’s Box.  He was too wasted to really know, but he felt less desperate, and he let the soothing sounds of the song wash over him.