A New Definition of Hope

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Over the next few weeks Brian resumed his old life.  He went to work every day, ate breakfast at the diner every day with the boys and most nights tricked at Babylon.  Not once did he ever bring up the subject of Justin.  Occasionally someone might mention Justin, but one look at Brian and they would shut up.                                     

 

Brian gained little bits of information about Justin as time went on.  He learned that Justin and Ethan were together, living in Ethan’s apartment, or Ethan’s shit hole as Brian preferred to think of it.  Justin continued to work at the diner, needing the money, but never taking the breakfast shift when Brian was likely to be there.  Michael and Justin were talking about a second “Rage” issue.  Things had been strained between them, Michael being pissed with Justin for cheating on Brian and Justin blaming Michael for telling Brian about him and Ethan.  They had agreed to put their differences on hold and not discuss Brian.  That way they could try to build on the initial success of “Rage”, since they could both use the money.                                                  

                                                  

Brian had decided that he had been right after all.  He knew that Justin wouldn’t have left him for Ethan, at least he didn’t think so, but he also knew that Justin needed to experience the romance that he thought he wanted.  He should see what life was like with someone else and without Brian.  He believed that forcing Justin to leave was ultimately for the best, even if it hurt like Hell.

 

He was sure that Justin would tire of Ethan after a while.  He didn’t think they had much in common after their art.  He knew that Justin had a wild streak that he didn’t think Ethan would be able to handle.  Justin liked the clubs, but Ethan had never been there until the “Rage” night, at least to Brian’s knowledge.  Justin was used to the finer things in life, even though they were not something Justin ever demanded, but they were something he was accustomed to.  Brian thought that living in poverty with Ethan would begin to wear thin.  All these things gave Brian hope, by his new definition of that word, that perhaps his Sunshine would return.

 

After his heart to heart with Lindsay, he had rehashed his options over and over again.  He finally decided that life without Justin wouldn’t cut it.  Fucking total strangers, while often necessary and sometimes exciting had lost some of its former luster.  He wanted something more, something that he had had for a while with Justin.

 

However, he didn’t want to make Justin come back, although he was pretty sure that he could.  He didn’t want to force him to return, as he had forced him to leave.  This time he wanted it to be Justin’s free choice.

 

Brian was prepared to make some changes to help this happen.  He had listened to Lindsay’s words of wisdom.  He wanted a fresh start, not a return to the same problems they had had before.

 

He had begun to develop a plan of action to accomplish his ends.  The first thing he had to do was to re-establish contact with Justin. 

 

He bided his time for two weeks after talking to Lindsay.  He set a few things in motion.  Then it was time to come face to face with Justin.  He hadn’t seen Justin for almost a month and he wasn’t sure how either one of them would react.

 

He had avoided the diner, except for breakfast when Deb had said that Justin wouldn’t be working, but now it was time.  One night after work he went to the diner to get a turkey sandwich, knowing that Justin would likely be working.  As he walked through the door, he saw Justin behind the counter.  Their eyes locked for a second and he felt his cock twitch.  Then Justin looked away.

 

'Shit, that kid can still get to me,' he thought.

 

“Hey,” Brian said nonchalantly.

 

“Brian,” Justin replied warily.

 

“Turkey sandwich on whole wheat to go.”

 

“No mayo.”

 

“Right.”

 

“It’s good to see you.  You look great, as always.”

 

“Thanks.  Are you keeping up with your studies?”

 

“You don’t have to check that I’m doing my homework anymore, you know.”

 

“I wasn’t being sarcastic.  I just wondered how things were going.”

 

“I’m doing fine,” Justin said testily.

 

Brian thought this reaction was a little harsh for a simple question.  Maybe everything wasn’t so great.

 

“Wouldn’t want to waste my investment in you.”

 

“You don’t need to worry.”

 

“Good.”

 

“Here’s your sandwich,” Justin said, taking his money.

 

Brian picked up the sandwich and turned to go.

 

“Brian.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

'I’d like to talk to you about what happened.'  That is what Justin wanted to say, but what came out of his mouth was, “Have a nice evening.”  He knew Brian would have told him there was nothing to talk about, so why bother.

 

“Count on it,” Brian said.

 

Brian walked out of the diner.  He rubbed his cock which was uncomfortably hard.  He pitched the sandwich in a nearby trashcan and headed for the alley behind Babylon.  In a few minutes he was in the middle of a blowjob, and as he got his rocks off, he thought about what he wanted to do to Justin and what Justin would do to him with his mouth, his hands, his cock.

 

Able to think a little more clearly afterwards, he replayed his encounter with Justin.  On the surface they had been civil, no animosity.  But Justin had been testy when asked about his schoolwork.  Was something wrong?  He’d have to look into that.  He had thought Justin was going to ask him something important, when all he had said was that innocuous comment about having a nice evening.  What was that?  Maybe he had been afraid to say anything serious, because the old Brian would have shot him down.  He was going to have to show Justin that he was ready to listen, and yes, ready to talk.  That wouldn’t be easy.

 

Brian went to Woody’s to see if Michael was there.  He and Ben were seated at a table, having a beer.  Brian got a beer and went over to them. 

 

“Ben,” Brian said, sitting down.

 

“Brian,” he replied.

 

“I need to talk to Mikey for a few minutes ... alone.”

 

Ben gave him a look and took his beer over to the bar.

 

Getting right to the point, Brian said, “Have you seen Justin lately?”

 

“What brought this up?  You never mention him.”

 

“Well, I am now.  Just answer the question.”

 

“Yeah, I saw him yesterday.  We’ve been trying to come up with a new “Rage” story, but nothing seems to be working.”

 

“Fuck 'Rage'.  Did Justin say anything about having trouble with his studies?”

 

“Actually, now that you mention it, he said that he had artist’s block on some major project that is due in a week.  He thought that maybe he had lost his muse, that that was why we couldn’t get any ideas for 'Rage' either.”

 

“Did he seem down?”

 

“Sort of.  I think he’s really worried about this project.  Why all this concern all of a sudden?  I thought he was out of your life.”

 

“Things aren’t always what they seem.”

 

“What?”

 

“Never mind.  Thanks for the information.”

 

Brian got up to leave.

 

“Brian, what’s going on?”

 

“Don’t worry.  Tell Ben goodbye.”

 

Brian walked quickly outside.  His heart and his head were both racing.  He didn’t want Justin to suffer, but if he had lost his muse, that didn’t bode well for a contented relationship with Ethan.  Maybe he could help Justin, and show him the new, improved Brian.

 

He headed back to the diner.  Justin was just coming out the door, his shift over.

 

“Meant to be,” Brian said to himself.

 

“Finished work?” Brian asked.

 

“Yeah.”  Justin looked startled.  “What are you doing back here?”

 

“Something you said earlier has been bugging me.”

 

“What?  ‘Have a nice evening?'  Too sentimental for you?”

 

“No.  About your schoolwork.  It sounded like you were having trouble.”

 

“Like you would care!”

 

“I do.  I have an investment, remember.”  Justin gave him a look, and Brian realized that this was the kind of flip remark that had caused them trouble before.  He started again, “Justin, I do care.  I want you to be successful.”

 

“I know that.  But why all this concern now?”

 

“I’ve been doing some serious review of my life and I’m making some changes.”

 

“Really.  Like what?”

 

“It’s a work in progress.  I don’t think I’m ready to talk about it yet.  Maybe later.  Right now, what’s going on with you?  Want a ride to Ethan’s while we talk?”

 

Justin’s jaw dropped.  “Who are you?  Where’s the real Brian Kinney?”

 

“He’s here somewhere.  Come on.”

 

They got in the Jeep and Brian started to drive.

 

“I’ve got this major project due and I’m stuck.  No inspiration.”

 

“What’s it about?”

 

“Strength, in any media.”

 

“Strength, why is that so hard?”

 

“I don’t want to do all the cliche rocks and steel type things.  I want to take a different approach, but I just don’t know what.”

 

“Why don’t you do a self-portrait?”

 

“What?” Justin was astounded.

 

“You are the strongest person I know.  You survived the bashing, your damaged hand, your dickhead father.  You should be the poster boy for strength.”

 

“I’m not strong.  I had a lot of people helping me, especially you.”

 

Brian pulled up in front of Ethan’s building, but Justin made no move to get out.  That was a good sign.

 

“You may have had a lot of help, but you had the strength and courage to go on, step by baby step, no matter how hard it was.  And look where you are today.  That’s being strong.”

 

“Thanks.  I never knew you felt that way,” and Justin smiled his old sunshine smile.

 

Brian felt a constriction around his heart.  He loved that smile.  “I guess there are a lot of things that I didn’t tell you,” he said.

 

“Well, I’m glad you told me now, because you’ve given me the idea for my project.”

 

“A self-portrait?”                                                                                                    

 

“You’ll have to come to the show to see.  Thursday, in the Fine Arts gallery.”

 

“You sure you want me to come?”

 

“I’m sure.  After all, you are the inspiration.”

 

“All right then.  It’s a date.”

 

“A date?  Brian Kinney doesn’t do dates,” Justin teased.

 

“I told you I’ve been making some changes.”

 

“I guess you really have.  Thanks for the ride.  See you Thursday night.”

 

As Justin walked away, Brian backed the Jeep up and watched him go into the building.  'That went well,' he thought.  'Maybe I really can do this.'

 

Brian pushed the play button on his CD player.  “You Are My Sunshine” started up.  He couldn’t stop smiling all the way home.