Going Forward

 **************************************

 

Brian called Lindsay as soon as he thought they would be up.  He needed to talk to her and to hold Gus.  Gus was one good thing he had done, something he hadn’t screwed up, at least not yet.

 

He had not slept, just dozed on and off.  He had listened to “You Are My Sunshine” every waking moment.  The song had kept him sane, but he was no closer to knowing what to do.  He had run through all of the possibilities that he could think of.

 

He could go on without Justin and try to recapture his old life, but it didn’t seem to be working very well.  It had taken so much effort and energy to put on that show.  He wasn’t sure how long he could keep it up.  It just wasn’t the same as it used to be.  Justin had somehow changed all that.

 

He could try to get Justin back.  However, he still felt that he had done the right thing pushing him away.  Neither of them had been happy the last while.  He hadn’t been able to give Justin what he needed, and he wasn’t sure that he ever would be able to.  Getting him back, even if he was able to, wouldn’t solve that basic problem.  Brian had convinced himself that Justin needed to experience more of life, see what was out there, other than Brian.  He didn’t want Justin back, unless Justin was completely sure he wanted to come back.  Fiddle Boy would give him a taste of romance and coupledom.  Justin could decide if that was really what he wanted.  That would never be what he would get with Brian.

 

He could try to find someone to replace Justin.  Yeah, really likely to happen!  No one could do that.  Justin was irreplaceable, his one chance at love, and that had worked out oh so well.  He wouldn’t try that again.

 

If he had a gas oven he could put his head in it and turn it on.

 

What was he going to do?  None of these scenarios offered an answer.  What a fucking mess!

 

When he arrived at Lindsay’s, Melanie was just driving off to work.  She gave him a perfunctory wave.  He was grateful that Lindsay had sent her off early.  He didn’t think he was up to their usual sparring.  Lindsay opened the front door and handed him Gus who gave him a big hug.

 

“How ya doing, Sonny Boy?”

 

“Good,” said Gus.

 

“You’re getting so big, my little man.”

 

Gus smiled up at him and then wrapped himself around Brian’s neck.

 

“He’s getting to be a real handful,” Lindsay said.  “It will soon be the terrible twos.  I can hardly believe that it is almost two years since the night he was born.”

 

“Yeah.  Two years.”

 

“Since the night you met Justin too.”

 

Brian looked at her and then looked away.

 

“That’s what you’re here for, isn’t it?  To talk about you and Justin.”

 

“There is no me and Justin.”

 

“Thanks to you.”

 

“I had to push him away.  We were miserable.  I couldn’t trust him anymore.  He was lying to me and fucking Fiddle Boy.  How could I let that continue?  I had to do something.”

 

“Of course, you always control what happens.”

 

Brian set Gus down and he ran over to his pile of blocks.  He started building a tower.

 

“Budding architect?” Brian asked.

 

“Maybe so, but don’t change the subject.  What are you going to do?”

 

“I wish the fuck I knew.”

 

“Tell me what you are thinking.”

 

Brian briefly recounted the four scenarios he had come up with, including the gas oven.

 

Lindsay admonished him, “Don’t even joke about that.  Besides you wouldn’t even know how to turn an oven on.”

 

“I could always use a match to read the instructions.”

 

“Very funny.  Enough of the gallows humor.”

 

“I really am at a loss, Lindsay.  None of the possible ways to proceed will make things any better.  I’ve tried to go back to tricking and not giving a damn.  The trouble is that I do give a damn, about Justin.  I changed a lot for him, did things I never thought I could do.  Now I can’t go back.  It just won’t work.”

 

“You’re right.  You can’t go back.  You have to go forward.”

 

“What does that mean?”

 

“You have changed things by what you did at Babylon.  You forced Justin to leave with Ethan.  He would never have gone if you hadn’t fucked him by fucking “Rage”!”

 

“I know. That’s why I did it.  He had to make a choice.  I just made things clearer for him.”

 

“Is that what you think you did?”

 

“Well, didn’t I?”

 

“Brian, for someone so smart, you sure are dumb sometimes.”

 

“Huh?”

 

“You didn’t make the choice clearer.  You gave him no choice.  You told him, by your actions, that he was nothing to you.  He had to go with Ethan for his own pride and self-esteem.  At least Ethan wanted him.  You sure didn’t.”

 

“But if he had stayed with me, we both would have been miserable.”

 

“Did it ever occur to you that you might be able to talk about it and work it out?”

 

“Talking is highly overrated.  I know what he wanted me to say, but I just couldn’t.”

 

“Did you tell him that?”

 

“No, but he knew.”

 

“Justin is a very bright boy, but why do you expect him to be able to read your mind?”

 

“I didn’t, but he always seemed to understand.”

 

“Justin’s intuitive understanding of you was his greatest asset at first, but then it meant that you didn’t have to communicate, and that became his greatest curse.  Brian, a relationship, and that’s what you had whether you want to admit it or not, is a two way street.  You can’t expect Justin to be the only communicator.  You have a role too.  If you couldn’t say that you love him, maybe you could have told him why it is so hard for you to say those words.  He might have understood that, and you could move forward from there.  More importantly, why not tell him that he had become important to you.  What are you afraid of?”

 

“That I would lay myself open and then he would leave me.”

 

“Isn’t that what’s happened anyway?  Maybe if you had laid your feelings out to him, you’d still be together.”

 

“But he wanted too much.  I couldn’t do it.”

 

“Then tell him that!  But also let him know that down the road you might be able to give what he wants.  You took all hope away from him.”

 

“Hope.  I was thinking about hope last night - how it causes pain and longing.”

 

“Is that what you think hope means?  Brian, it means the chance for something better, the possibility of happiness.”

 

“I don’t see it that way.”

 

“Well maybe you need to adjust your view of things.  You know, in all your scenarios, you left out one thing.”

 

“What’s that?”

 

“Justin’s choice of what he wants.  You’re still trying to control all of the outcomes.”

 

“But why would he want to come back after everything that’s happened?”

 

“He loves you, Brian, with all your faults.”

 

“Then why is he with Ethan?”

 

“I told you already.  You gave him no choice.  You made him go.  You are going to have to break another one of your taboos and talk to him about your feelings, if you want him back.”

 

“Do you think he would come back?  Maybe he’s happy with Ethan.”

 

“At least Ethan will try to make him happy.  You haven’t even given that a shot yet.”

 

“I don’t know if I can talk about my feelings.”

 

“Isn’t that what you have been doing for the last half hour?”

 

“Yeah, I guess it is.”

 

“And the sky hasn’t fallen.”

 

“No, but there goes Gus’ tower.”

 

The blocks came cascading down around their feet.  Gus squealed with delight and started stacking them again.

 

“You might learn something from your son,” Lindsay said thoughtfully.

 

“What?”

 

“He builds a shaky tower, it falls down, he squeals with joy and starts over again.  Apply that to your relationship with Justin.  Try to rebuild your relationship with a stronger foundation of understanding and communication.  If it starts to fall apart, don’t give up.  Have hope that you can fix it, or that you can always start over if you need to.”

 

“I’ve been here too long.  This is starting to make sense to me.” 

 

“Really.”

 

“Yeah, the wisdom of a two year old.”

 

Brian stood up, grabbed Gus and spun him around up in the air.  The little boy giggled and shrieked.

 

“Dada, dada,” he yelled.

 

“I’ve got you, Sonny Boy,” and he squeezed Gus to his heart.

 

“I bet you didn’t know your mommy was such a philosopher.”

 

Gus looked at him strangely, not understanding all of the words, but he liked the way Dada’s voice sounded now.  He reached up and gave Brian a big sloppy kiss on his cheek.

 

Brian’s heart melted.  The steel he had forged there was replaced with love, love for Gus, Lindsay and Justin.

 

“Thanks, Linds,” he said, and he kissed her cheek.

 

“Any time, sweetie,” she said, returning his kiss and taking Gus from him. 

 

“That’s twice in two days that I have been called sweetie.  I must be getting soft.  Anyway, I better get to work.  I told Cynthia that I would try to be in by ten.”

 

“Do you know what you are going to do?”

 

“Not exactly, but I have a better idea than I did before.  Thanks.”

 

He felt better than he had in days.  Maybe this was what hope was supposed to be.