The Return of Rage

**************************************    

 

An impossible day at work was unfolding for Brian.  He had done a few necessary things when he first arrived, but now his mind kept wandering.  He thought about Justin and how hurt he was last night.  He thought about the sunshine pendant and what it meant.  He thought about Ethan and how he wanted to make him pay for what he had done to Justin.  He thought about saying ‘I love you’, even in an unheard whisper.  He thought and thought and thought.  Doing any work was hopeless.

 

At eleven o’clock he gave up any pretense of working and really focused on what was bothering him.  He knew what he had to do.  He cleaned up his desk, and walked out to Cynthia.

 

“I’m leaving,” he said to her.

 

“Not for good, I hope,” she joked.

 

“You’ll never get rid of me that easily,” he bantered back.

 

“When will you be back?”

 

“I don’t know for sure.  Probably not the rest of the day.”

 

She looked at him quizzically.  It wasn’t like Brian to take even part of a day off.

 

“Is everything all right,” she asked.

 

“I’m not sure,” he replied cryptically.

 

“Can I do anything?”

 

“No.  Just cover for me, and shift everything to tomorrow.”

 

“Done.  I’ll look after it.”

 

“Thanks.”  He turned to go.

 

“Brian, if you need anything, just call.”

 

He nodded and walked out.

 

**************************************

 

Brian sat in the Jeep, staring up at Ethan’s building.  He knew Ethan was probably in there.  The severity of his outburst against Justin would have to leave him exhausted, and he didn’t have anyone to help him, like Justin did.  Brian couldn’t imagine Ethan having the resources to leave the room after what had happened.

 

He knew he had to confront Ethan.  He couldn’t leave things the way they were.  Ethan had hurt Justin deeply and irrevocably.  His words and actions had cut Justin to the bone.  Even Justin’s father hadn’t devastated the boy as much as Ethan had.  Ethan had attacked Justin’s honesty, his integrity, his sincerity, his art.  Justin’s father had merely attacked his sexuality and his choices.  That was a much different dynamic.  Ethan had almost destroyed Justin.

 

Brian wasn’t sure what he wanted to do.  Last night killing Ethan had seemed like the only viable outcome.  In the light of day and after some rational thought, he needed a better plan, but what?

 

A little after noon, Brian stepped out of the Jeep, and entered Ethan’s building.  He didn’t know what he was going to do, but he had to do something.

 

He met a student in the hallway who directed him to Ethan’s apartment.  As Brian reached the door, he hesitated, then knocked.

 

Nothing happened.

 

He rapped harder, and kept knocking.

 

“Go away!” a muffled voice said.

 

“Ethan, open up!”

 

“Go away!”

 

“I’m not leaving, so open the door.”

 

Brian kept pounding on the door.  All of a sudden the door opened and a bleary-eyed Ethan looked at him.  An old robe covered his nakedness, and he did a double-take upon seeing Brian.

 

“Filming another commercial, or just slumming?” he asked, venom dripping from each word.

 

“I need to talk to you,” Brian said.  “Let me in.”

 

“Fuck off!”  Ethan tried to close the door.

 

Brian leaned against the door, causing Ethan to back up.  “I have some things to say to you.  You can hear them privately inside, or I can shout them up and down this hallway.  Which would you prefer?”

 

“Neither!”  But Ethan stepped back, allowing Brian to enter.  Ethan closed the door, and turned to face Brian.

 

“Did your little crybaby send you here to beat me up?” Ethan taunted.

 

“He doesn’t know I’m here.  And if I had my choice, I’d cut off your balls and shove them so far down your throat, you’d choke to death.”

 

“So what are you waiting for?” Ethan asked, extending his hands in a gesture of defeat.  “You can’t hurt me any more than he already has.”

 

“And what about how you’ve hurt him?”

 

“He deserved it.  He’s ruined everything.”

 

“What you do is your responsibility, not his,” Brian said simply.

 

“Don’t you fucking lecture me!” Ethan yelled.

 

“Somebody has to talk some sense into you.  You can’t continue hurting Justin, and by the look of you, yourself as well.”

 

“He came here!  I didn’t ask him.  I just told him some hard, cold facts about what he did.  Why should he get off scot-free while I suffer?”

 

“He suffered too.  We all suffered, but it’s over.”

 

“It’s not over for me.  My music’s ruined.  It sounds like shit.”

 

“Is that why you destroyed Justin’s artwork?  Because you think you no longer have your own art?” Brian asked.

 

Ethan looked at him.  “You think you’re so smart, such a big man.  You don’t know shit!”

 

“I know you devastated Justin last night.  I wasn’t sure he would survive it.  Is that what you intended to do?”

 

“Yes!  He deserved it.  I told him horrible things would happen to him.  That was just the first in what I hope is a long line of suffering for him.”

 

“You fucking pig!  Who do you think you are?  Chief Judge and Executioner?  I should beat the shit out of you, but you’re not worth it.”

 

Brian moved toward the door.

 

“Not worth anything,” he heard Ethan mumble.

 

“What did you say?”

 

“Nothing.  Just leave.”

 

“Look, Ethan, Justin has been through a lot.  He doesn’t need you hounding him.  Stay away from him.  Don’t ever see him again.”

 

Brian watched Ethan’s reaction.  The bluster and bravado seemed to have disappeared.  He looked defeated.  Brian didn’t like that look.  It spoke of no hope.  He had been there a few weeks ago, but he had had a grain of hope that Justin might return.  Ethan didn’t even have that.

 

“I know how you’re feeling,” Brian said.

 

“No you don’t.  You have him.  I have nothing.”

 

“A few weeks ago, I could have said the same thing.”  Ethan looked at Brian, trying to take in what he was saying.

 

Brian could see that Ethan had been affected by his last statement.  Maybe he had gotten through to him.

 

“How did you do it?  How did you survive?” Ethan asked.

 

“I barely did.  I tried to drown my sorrows in liquor and drugs.  I cursed you, Justin, myself.  I thought about suicide, although I don’t think that was really a choice.  Finally I realized that I had to either give up and die, or choose to go on.  As soon as I chose to survive, things began to get better, little by little.  You could try the same process.”

 

“What do you care?”

 

“I don’t, except that what you do affects Justin.  If you continue to hurt yourself, you cause him pain.  He feels guilty enough about what happened.”

 

“He should ...” Ethan began, but seemed to change his mind.  “I’m sick of all this pain and torment.  I wish I’d never met him.”

 

“But you did, so deal with it.  Decide if you have the guts to go on.”

 

“I don’t know if I do.”

 

“You’re the only one who can make that decision, but I’ll tell you, it would be an awful waste if you decided to give up.”

 

“What?” Ethan looked askance at Brian.

 

“I may not like you.  In fact, at times I’ve loathed you, but I respect your talent.  It would be a shame to waste it.”

 

“You mean that?”  Ethan seemed to be grasping at straws.

 

“I only say things that I mean,” Brian stated.

 

“You think I have talent?”

 

“That’s what I said.”

 

“But I’ve lost it.”

 

“I don’t think that’s possible.  Misplaced it, maybe,” he said with a smile.  “But it can be found again.”

 

“I don’t know,” Ethan said.

 

“I do.  If you can come to terms with what has happened, you will be stronger and better at everything you do, including your music.  That’s what happened to me.”

 

“Really?”

 

“Really.”

 

“I don’t know,” Ethan said again.

 

“Ethan, Justin is not coming back to you.  I’ll never let him be so miserable that he leaves again.  But, in a way, this has nothing to do with Justin.  It has to do with you.  With your resolve.  You can resume your life, if you choose to.  Don’t give up.  It would be a waste.”

 

“I can’t believe you’re talking to me like this,” Ethan said.

 

“Neither can I.  Especially since I came here to ream you out, and then beat you senseless.”

 

“I don’t think that’ll be necessary.”

 

“Good.  I didn’t really want to do either of those things, but I felt you needed to know the consequences of your actions.  You hurt Justin, and I won’t let you do that again.  Do you understand?”

 

“Yeah.  I don’t think there will be a repeat of last night.”

 

“Glad to hear it.”

 

“Brian, ...er... thank you.”

 

“What?”

 

“I needed to hear the things you have been saying.  I’ve been wallowing in self-pity.  You’re right.  I’m the only one who controls what happens to me.”

 

“That’s good.”

 

“I don’t know how things will work out, but I’ll stop blaming Justin.”

 

“Good.”

 

Ethan looked at Brian and a little smile played about his lips. 

 

“What?” Brian asked.

 

“I was wondering if you really are 'Rage'.  Do you go around curing the ills of the world?”

 

“Fuck, no!” Brian said, horrified.

 

“You did a pretty good job here,” Ethan said.

 

“I’ve created a monster,” Brian observed.

 

Ethan smiled.  “No monster.  Just hope.”

 

“I can’t believe this is happening.”

 

“What’s happening?”

 

“That I’m standing here having a conversation with you about hope.”

 

“You’re not half the cynic you let on, you know.  I guess Justin’s very lucky to have you.”

 

“I’m very lucky to have him.”

 

“Lucky to have each other,” Ethan clarified.

 

“Yeah.  I better go.  Good luck, Ethan.”

 

“Thanks.  For everything.”

 

Brian nodded, opened the door and stepped out.  As he turned and closed the door, he saw Ethan pick up his violin.  Walking down the hallway, Brian heard the strains of Ethan’s violin.  He was playing a sad song, appropriate and very beautiful.  Brian smiled and felt as light as air, as he almost floated down the stairs to his car.

 

**************************************

 

Brian returned to the office, to Cynthia’s surprise.  He would give no real explanation, just saying he had accomplished what he set out to do.

 

Cynthia could tell he was happy, not a common sight when dealing with Brian Kinney.  She was desperate to know what happened, but knew better than to ask.

 

“Make a reservation for two at Pappagano, for seven tonight,” Brian told her.  “I’ll be in my office.”

 

“Hmmmm,” Cynthia responded.

 

“And stop speculating about what is going on.  I’m not saying any more.”  Brian smiled and stuck his tongue in his cheek.

 

“Want me to get Justin on the phone, or possibly someone else?” she asked.

 

“I told you to stop fishing.”

 

“Moi?”

 

“Toi.”

 

“You’re no fun at all today,” Cynthia joked.

 

“I’ll try to do better tomorrow.”

 

“You said reservation for two?” Cynthia asked, stressing the last word.

 

“Correct, and I’m going to my office,” he said, walking away before she could try probing for any more information.

 

In his office Brian decided he better call Justin right away.  He dialed his cell number.

 

“Hello, Brian,” Justin responded.

 

“How are you doing?”

 

“I’m okay.  I’m working on a new piece, and it keeps my mind occupied most of the time.”

 

“Still thinking about last night?”

 

“It’s hard not to.  But I think I’ll be all right.  I’ve got you and my sunshine pendant to protect me,” Justin said.

 

Brian smiled.  “I want us to celebrate tonight.”

 

“Celebrate what?” Justin asked.

 

“Us, being back together.”

 

“I thought that’s what the brunch was for.”

 

“That was for other people, our friends.  This will be for us.”

 

“What did you have in mind?  Thai take-out and a night of fucking?”

 

“That sounds pretty good.  Maybe I should change my plans.”

 

“What plans?”

 

“I had intended to take you to Pappagano, and then fuck you all night, but Thai would be cheaper and would leave more fuck time,” Brian teased.

 

“Cheapskate,” Justin replied, laughing.

 

“Be ready at 6:45.  I’ll meet you at the loft.”

 

“It’s a date, and don’t roll your eyes.”

 

"Yes, sir!” Brian said.

 

“Later,” Justin said.

 

“Later.”

 

**************************************

 

Brian picked Justin up from the loft.  Justin wore beige trousers and a cream colored sweater topped with a golden brown jacket.  With his blond hair and radiant smile, he seemed to glow.  He took Brian’s breath away when he opened the door to the loft and saw him standing there waiting for him.

 

“You look good enough to eat,” Brian said.

 

“Later,” Justin promised mischievously.

 

During dinner Brian felt Justin’s eyes on him from time to time.  He would look away when Brian would catch him.  Brian hoped this wasn’t more of Justin waiting for a declaration of love, like he had when Brian first gave him the sunshine pendant.

 

They talked about Brian’s work and Justin’s new piece of art.  They carefully avoided any reference to Ethan or the events of last night.

 

Justin ordered a caramel crunch torte for dessert, and Brian had coffee.  After a couple of bites of the cake, Justin looked intently at Brian.  Brian squirmed a bit under the gaze.

 

“What?” he finally said.

 

“You’re not going to say anything about it, are you?” Justin asked.

 

“About what?” Brian was truly confused.

 

“What did you do to Ethan today?”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“Stop answering my question with a question.  You know what I mean.”

 

“But how do you know...?”

 

“From this.  It was slipped under the loft door when I got home.”

 

Justin pulled an envelope from his jacket pocket, and handed it to Brian.  On the front was a large J.

 

“This is for you.  Why are you giving it to me?”

 

“It has to do with you.  Read it.”

 

Brian opened the envelope and took out a single sheet of paper.  He read:

 

**************************************

 

“J.    

I’m sorry I was so hurtful to you last night.  After Brian’s visit today, I realize I have to take back my life, and stop blaming you.  I’ve started playing again, and it sounds pretty good.  I hope your art will continue to be as beautiful as it has always been.  I’ll probably not see you again, but if we run into each other, you don’t need to be afraid of me anymore.  You’re lucky to have Brian.     

Ethan”

 

**************************************

 

Brian smiled and handed the note back to Justin.

 

“You weren’t even going to tell me you’d been to see him, were you?”

 

“No.”

 

“What happened?  This note is the complete reverse of the way he was last night.  What did you say to him?”

 

“I used my 'Rage' powers to turn him around,” Brian quipped.

 

“Be serious.”

 

“I am.  He actually asked me if I was 'Rage', going around changing lives.”

 

“You’re kidding, right?”

 

“You just told me to be serious, and I was.”

 

“No shit!  Come on, Brian.  Tell me what happened.”

 

“After the state you were in, I felt I had to talk to Ethan and put a stop to all of this.  Make him stop hurting you.  I went there to do whatever that took.”

 

“You don’t have to fight my battles for me,” Justin said defensively.  “I’m not a baby.”

 

“I wasn’t fighting your battles.  I wanted him to see the consequences of how he was behaving.”

 

“I can’t imagine he was thrilled to see you.”

 

“Hardly!”  Brian rolled his eyes.  “He was ready to pick up where he left off with you.  I got mad, and said I’d like to cut off his balls and stuff them down his throat.”

 

Justin almost choked on his cake.

 

Brian continued, “I told him he wasn’t worth the effort, and I started to leave.  He mumbled something about not being worth anything.  That was when I realized he was as hurt as you were.  As hurt as I was when you left.  I just told him that, and somehow it got through to him.”

 

Justin listened attentively, wonder in his eyes.

 

“I told him he controlled his life, not you.  He had to take responsibility for what he was doing.  Stop blaming you.  I said that when I did that, things started to improve for me.  I also told him it would be a great waste, if he gave up on his talent.”

 

“Wow!  Brian, I can’t believe you said all that to him.”

 

“Neither can I.  It’s sure not what I went there to say.”

 

“He must have listened, and that note is a first positive step.”

 

“He started playing his violin, as I was leaving his floor.  It sounded sad, but beautiful.”

 

“You’re a good man, Charlie Brown.”  Justin touched Brian’s hand, and his sunshine smile just beamed.

 

“Sh!  Keep that to yourself.  You’ll ruin my reputation.”

 

“I can see why you wanted to celebrate tonight.  You may have turned Ethan’s life around.  That’s big, Brian.”

 

“I guess so, but Ethan has to do the hard stuff.”  Brian stuck his tongue in his cheek.  “How about a couple of brandies, and a toast to new lives for all of us?”

 

Justin nodded and Brian signaled the waiter.

 

While they waited for the brandies, Justin reached across the table and took Brian’s hand.

 

“Thanks for trying to help me, and for helping Ethan.  He didn’t deserve the bad things that were happening to him.  You made a horrible situation a lot better.  I love you,” Justin said.

 

Brian looked at Justin and knew the time was finally right.  “I love you too,” he said.

 

Justin’s Sunshine smile lit up the restaurant.

 

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