Justin felt a hand rubbing along his cock. He was sure he was still asleep but this dream felt so real, so good. He licked his lips and gave himself over to the sensation. He was very hard and the hand was very insistent, very persistent.

Suddenly he felt lips on his own and it all felt too real to be a dream. He fought his way out of sleep moaning and kissing back. His arms went up around Brian's neck and he pressed Brian's mouth tighter against his own. The hand continued its delicious work.

Justin felt his balls pull up and that tingling in his groin. He moaned against Brian's lips and arched his back in anticipation. Suddenly Brian was gone and he cried out in frustration only to moan once again as Brian's mouth captured his throbbing cock. The heat and softness of Brian's mouth engulfed his dick. The lips sucked and pulled along his length and he cried out again as he shot into Brian's waiting mouth. He felt Brian suck at the head of his cock and run his tongue through the slit gathering every drop of his essence. He sighed and fell back against the pillows.

"Morning, Sunshine," Brian said softly. "Breakfast was delicious," he added with a smirk.

"Glad I could provide your morning protein," Justin said with a chuckle.

"Seems like we've been crossing paths but never connecting the last few days."

Justin tried not to look guilty. If he was truthful with himself, he knew that's exactly what had been happening because he had made it so. He had taken some evening shifts at the diner and had managed to be asleep a couple of times when Brian got home late from work. He had been avoiding talking to Brian about his feelings of being swallowed up by Brian's life.

"Am I putting you back to sleep?" Brian asked with a frown when Justin didn't respond.

"Um … no, I was just thinking." He was wondering if now was the time to talk to Brian about what he was feeling.

"Thinking about what?"

"About how I've missed you too," Justin said pulling his lover in for another kiss. Their discussion could wait till he knew exactly what he wanted to say. He was worried about Brian's reaction and wanted to choose the time and situation carefully to minimize the repercussions.

"Shall we spend a little quality time in the shower?" Brian asked with that hungry look on his face.

"Sounds good," Justin agreed getting up from the bed and heading for the bathroom. Sex would mean little or no talking this morning.

Brian slammed him against the shower wall imbedding his dick so far up his ass that Justin was sure it would pop out his mouth if he opened it. They hadn't fucked for a few days which was very unusual and probably unhealthy for both of them. Justin grunted as he bucked back into Brian. Jesus, he loved it rough and hard, and nobody could do that like Brian.

"Ahhh," Brian cried happy to have found the warm, tight confines of Justin's channel. Nothing ever matched this feeling. It was where he felt the best. It was where he belonged. He rammed into the boy riding him mercilessly. His hand reached around and tweaked one of Justin's nipples – hard. The boy cried out. Brian knew it had hurt and that only made his assault move to the next level.

He released the nipple and pulled Justin's head around. His lips attacked the full, luscious ones, chewing and bruising and still craving more. Finally he released Justin's lips and starting chewing on the bare shoulder as the water poured over them. His thrusts were firm and sure and deep. He wanted to crawl right inside his lover and never leave.

Justin spread his palms against the slippery glass of the shower. He tried to hold on as Brian pounded into him. It actually hurt a little, each hard jab of Brian's dick. His ass contracted around the cock sometimes trying to expel it, sometimes refusing to let it go. He could never let Brian go. He needed this. He wanted this. They needed each other. What was he going to do? How could he ever make Brian understand his position?

Suddenly Brian yanked him back against his groin. Brian's cock was so deep inside him that he wanted to scream in ecstasy, in desire, in love. Brian leaned his head against Justin's shoulders and kissed him gently as they hung on to each other. His teeth bit down on the shoulder where it met his neck. Justin cried out in pain knowing Brian had deliberately marked him there. His nails raked up Brian's leg surely leaving a scratch.

Brian drew back and plunged in anew. His hand reached for Justin's cock and jacked him off. Justin felt like he was going crazy. His mind reeled and he wanted to collapse on the floor of the shower, let the water pour over him and melt into oblivion holding on to this moment forever. Brian's hand on his dick made him refocus and he knew he was nearing the edge. He called Brian's name from somewhere far away as the hand continued its work. He didn't know if he had actually spoken or not. He had lost control of his senses and of his world.

With a scream that he was sure the whole apartment building could hear, he came with great force shooting against the shower wall. Brian was right behind him, filling the condom and leaning heavily against him as they both tried to breathe.

"Fuck!" Brian gasped as he withdrew.

"It certainly was," Justin agreed as he drew in short necessary breaths.

Brian turned him around and they clung against each other as the water washed away every evidence of what they had just done. But Justin had it in his heart. He knew this was how Brian told him that he loved him and needed him.

"I better get dressed or I'll never get to work," Brian said releasing his lover reluctantly.

"Do you have to go?"

Brian raised his eyebrows. It wasn't like Justin to say that. They both knew they had responsibilities and they just did them.

"Is something wrong?" Brian asked. He'd had an uneasy feeling for a week now.

"Not really, but I'd like to talk to you about something. What time will you be home tonight?"

"I can be here for dinner if you're going to be home," Brian said. It sounded so formal, like they were making an appointment. Something was definitely up, but he was glad Justin was finally going to talk to him.

"I'll see you at seven," Justin said opening the shower door and grabbing a towel. He threw one to Brian and they began drying off. Brian knew instinctively that Justin didn't want to talk about this anymore right now. He'd find out tonight what was going on with the boy. He didn't know if he should be worried or not.

-----

Justin stirred the vegetables as he talked on the phone.

"He should be here in about five minutes. He called just before he left City Hall," Justin told Daphne. He had called her for moral support. He wanted to be assured once more that he was doing the right thing.

"Take it slow, Justin. But make sure you tell him exactly how everything makes you feel. Don't leave stuff out."

"I'll try," Justin said having pangs of doubt.

"Listen to me," Daphne said. "You can do this. Every time you and Brian have had major problems it was because one or the other of you stopped being truthful about things."

"I'm truthful," Justin defended himself.

"Keeping secret how you really feel does not constitute truthfulness."

"Okay, okay. I'm going to do this."

"Good," Daphne said firmly.

Justin added the sauce to the vegetables and checked on the pasta. It was almost ready.

"I think I hear the elevator. I have to go … and … thanks, Daph. You're always there when I need you."

"You're welcome and I expect a full report tomorrow."

"Sure," Justin said with a chuckle knowing that she would expect all the lurid details, and the good ones too.

"Something smells good," Brian said as he pushed back the loft door.

"Thanks," Justin said smiling at him nervously.

Brian registered the look but said nothing about it. "Is it almost ready?"

"Just about."

"I'll change and be right down," Brian said loosening his tie as he headed up the steps.

Justin mixed the pasta, sauce and vegetables together, threw in the chicken from the oven and set the bowl on the table. He grabbed a couple of wine glasses and brought the bottle from the fridge. While he opened the bottle he tried to run through how he was going to talk to Brian. Nothing seemed like a good idea. He poured them each a glass of wine and prayed to whatever the fuck it was you prayed to when you wanted something good to happen.

Brian came back down in jeans and a black wifebeater. Justin felt his heart skip a beat. Brain always looked so good. He didn't like the idea of running the risk of pissing him off by what he was about to say. An audible sigh escaped his lips.

Brian glanced up at him as he sat down at the table. "Do you want to talk first and eat later?" he asked sensing that neither of them would enjoy their food until this was out in the open.

"No, let's eat first," Justin said quickly. He wasn't ready.

They ate in silence with an occasional "Want some more wine?" or "This is really good".

Once the main course was finished Justin started to clean up.

"Enough," Brian stated. "Bring your wine over here. It's time to talk to me."

They moved to the sofa. Brian leaned against one arm so that he could partially turn and face Justin. Justin sat facing the windows staring into the wine glass that he clutched in his hands. Brian waited.

Justin squirmed not knowing how to begin. "Brian," he said finally. That was all.

"For Christ's sake, Justin, you're scaring the shit out of me. What's wrong?"

"I don't know where to begin," Justin said trying to hold it all together.

"Start anywhere. I'll figure it out."

Justin knew that was true. "You know when my father called the other night?"

Brian nodded. "Has he done something else?"

Justin shook his head. "I didn't quite tell you the whole story."

"Oh?"

"I got … really mad at him for telling me that I was … responsible for him losing a client because we were holding hands in that newspaper picture." Justin stopped.

"You told me that. That's what caused the headache. Right?"

"Mostly." Justin hesitated. Brian waited. Justin sighed. Brian sighed. Justin cleared his throat. "I told him that all I do is stand beside you and attend functions with you."

When Justin stopped again, Brian said, "I don't see what the problem is. You do stand beside me and attend dinners and parties and … funerals with me."

"You didn't hear me," Justin said shaking his head.

"What do you mean, I didn't hear you?"

"I said all I do," Justin repeated clearly stressing the word all.

Brian stared at him. "Are you saying you want a bigger role?" Brian asked bewildered.

"Christ, no!" Justin retorted.

"Then what are you saying?"

"I'm saying that I'm nothing. I do nothing but stand beside you and hold your hand. I have no life anymore … except as your 'dutiful political wife'. I'm saying that I'm sick of only existing in your shadow. I'm saying I want a life of my own."

Brian's mouth opened to deny what Justin was saying, but he reconsidered as he studied the set jaw and rigid shoulders across from him. Justin refused to look at him.

"Is that how you feel, Justin? Is that how I've made you feel?"

Justin nodded and choked back a sob.

"Fuck! I had no idea."

"I … I know," Justin admitted. "I didn't have any real idea until I started yelling at my father and it all came pouring out. After I hung up with him, I started shaking. I could hardly stop, and I realized that I had been keeping all that bottled up inside me for months. I … I felt like I was about to break into a million pieces."

Brian's arms came around him and pulled him close. Justin allowed himself to be squeezed against Brian's strong chest, and then the sobs started. "I'm sorry, Justin, so sorry. I had no idea. I'm sorry."

Justin tried to control his sobs but they just kept coming. "It's not your fault. It's … it's the job. It sucks us in and we have no choice but to smile and play nice. It's all some fucking game … a game that never ends and you can't really win."

Brian snorted. "You got that right," he said running his fingers through Justin's hair as he held the boy close. "When you win the election it all begins and it grows and gnaws at the person you used to be until you can barely recognize yourself."

Justin sat up and wiped at his eyes with the back of his hand. He stared into Brian's eyes. "You feel like that?" he asked in disbelief.

"Every hour of every day."

"But…"

"I know. I put up a good front, but I'm the master of putting up a good front. You should know that."

"When did you start feeling like that?"

"With all those fucking parties at Christmas. It all seemed so fucking hypocritical. You know I hate Christmas, and I hate parties, and I especially hate parties with breeders."

Justin laughed out loud. It was pretty ludicrous. He snuggled back against Brian's chest feeling better that he wasn't alone in all this.

"Justin, this isn't about me."

"Yeah, it is. It's always about you. That's the problem." Justin looked up into Brian's eyes the accusation clearly there.

"Is that the problem?"

Justin nodded. "It's always about you," he repeated. "It's like I don't matter, like I don't really exist."

"I'm sorry if that's how it's been. Why didn't you say something sooner?"

"I didn't even realize what I was feeling. The resentment has been building for a while, but I never acknowledged it until that phone call with me father."

"I thought there was more to it than what you told me. You were in bad shape that night."

"It … it all came pouring out. I couldn't stop it and it scared the shit out of me. Have you ever been really scared?"

Brian stared into the blue eyes looking up at him. He knew he needed to be honest. "Only about a million times."

Justin's eyes widened. "When?"

Brian sighed. He was going to have to dredge this all up. "When I was a kid, I was scared every day when I came home from school. I never knew what I would find when I stepped through that door. The dread was almost more than I could bear sometimes."

"I'm sorry you had to live like that."

"So am I," Brian admitted ruefully. "Justin, this isn't about my problems though. We were talking about what's bothering you."

"Thanks for remembering that," Justin whispered trying to keep the resentment out of his voice. "The big problem is how we have to behave and how I get treated as a result. I have to be perfect, never cause trouble, never say anything controversial. It's like I'm not allowed to have an opinion. If I do, I can't express it. It's almost like I don't exist beyond being your appendage. I don't feel like my own person anymore. Do you understand?"

"I think so, but … fuck! … I can't believe that you've been feeling like this. Why didn't you say something sooner?"

"What can realistically be done about it?" Justin said with a deep sigh.

Brian was taken aback. He thought about that for a minute.

"See," said Justin, "there's nothing that you can do. That's why I didn't want to bring it up, because it can't be fixed."

"I admit that…," Brian began slowly, "that there is not much we can do about the whole situation, but I bet if we put our heads together we could come up with some baby steps."

"Baby steps?" Justin asked with a huff. "I don't like the baby reference. That's how I feel, like a child that needs to be seen and not heard, that needs to be taken care of. I'm a man, Brian, in case you haven't noticed."

"Believe me, I've noticed," Brian stated his hand cupping Justin's well-endowed bottom.

"I don't mean like that!" Justin retorted giving Brian's hand a smack.

"I know," Brian conceded. "How can I improve that?"

"You could take an interest in my art."

"I do. I love your work."

"You never mention it," Justin accused.

"Really? I mean to. I think you're a wonderful artist."

Justin turned his face up and they kissed acknowledging that Brian did indeed love Justin's work.

"I'd like you to come to some of the student shows, but…"

"I'd come," Brian promised. "Is there one coming up?"

"In about three weeks."

"I'll be there."

"But…"

"But what?"

"I…I didn't ask you to the last one," Justin admitted.

"Why?" Brian asked puzzled.

"Because I get teased about being the mayor's wife, and I don't like it."

"I can't do much about the teasing."

"I know," Justin sighed again. "That's the trouble. There is so little you can do. But you can tell them to stop if you hear it, especially your friends."

"They do tease you sometimes, don't they?" Brian asked thinking about the last time he had heard Justin referred to as the little woman, and he had laughed along with them. Shit!

Justin could see that he had opened Brian's eyes about a few things. Maybe that was enough for tonight. Daphne had told him to get everything out, but he didn't want to get into the hotel incident after Angela died and how he had to repress his own hurt to take care of Brian's. He was afraid that would be too much. Maybe another time.

Brian reached down and kissed Justin. He had a lot to think about. He realized how much he took Justin for granted and depended on him being there in every circumstance. Obviously he needed to make some changes. He just hoped he was up to the challenge. He felt Justin's hand at his crotch and let those thoughts fade away as his body responded.

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