The holidays were over finally.  Brian turned in the bed and looked down at the sleeping Justin.  He smiled a little bit.  He would have never made it through all the holiday phoniness without Justin's help. All the parties and cocktail hours and charity events and religious functions and God knows what else.  Justin was there with him at each fucking one, holding his hand and giving off an invisible cloak of strength that seemed to surround them both and protect him from all the horrible things that he had expected at these do's.

Brian leaned over and kissed the side of Justin's face.  The boy squirmed a bit in his sleep.  Brian wanted to pull him into his arms and tell him how much he appreciated everything that he had done over the past weeks.  But he didn't want to interrupt the blond's well earned rest.

Brian took in a breath.  Sometimes the feelings overwhelmed him.  He couldn't believe what was happening to him.  He knew he wanted Justin around, knew how much he needed the blond in his bed and in his life.  When he had asked Justin to be his partner and embark on the often treacherous road of politics, he had wanted Justin to be there, to share things with him.  But he had never expected that Justin would turn out to be the strong one, his rock and his anchor when he needed it so desperately.

Justin Taylor was one amazing young man.  Brian ran his fingers down the side of Justin's cheek and across the full lips.  He was so beautiful and so open and so trusting and so … wonderful, despite everything he had been through.

Brian drew his hand away as Justin shifted again.  Brian continued to stare at his partner.  Suddenly he tossed back the covers and got up.  He needed to get real.  He was becoming some sort of sentimental wuss and there was no room in his life for that, especially now.  He walked down into the living room and looked around the loft. 

His eyes fell on Justin's desk in the alcove.  It was a mess littered with sketchbooks and pencils and textbooks and a million other things all in a heap.  Brian grinned.  He would never convert Justin into a neat freak like he was.  He had pretty much given up trying.  Brian knew that Justin was the opposite of his anal retentive personality.  Maybe that was what made them so good together.  Opposites attracted, so they say, and filled in the gaps in the personality of the other one.  Justin certainly did that.

Brian thought about how his life had changed since he had met Justin.  It had been a strange and often scary ride for them.  Somehow though, he wouldn't change much of it.  The bashing certainly.  If he could have spared Justin that he would have.  But he also knew that if the bashing had not happened their lives would have been much different.  After his grand gesture at the prom, the dance and the kiss, he was going to say things to Justin that he knew he would never say to another human being.  But that had been folly.  A baseball bat connecting with Justin's head had shown him the error of his ways.  He wanted to say those same things to his partner now, but he was afraid.  Actions like that, and words, especially words like that … coming from him, always resulted in terrible consequences.

He should leave well enough alone.  He knew he should, but he wanted more.  Justin had made him want more.  He thought about Justin in his elf suit at Christmas bending over and wagging his bum at him again and again, keeping him sane while he talked to child after child at the Christmas party.  He thought about Justin in his tux, looking like a million dollars at the inaugural, and their dance to make up for the one he couldn't remember.

Brian reached for the bottle of Beam on the bar cart.  He needed to steady his nerves.  He had to push these stupid, useless, painful, wonderful thoughts out of his head.  He raised the bottle to his lips.

"Brian," Justin said from the top of the steps.

Brian stopped the movement of the bottle and turned to look at Justin.  "Go back to bed," he ordered.

"What's wrong?  Why are you up?  Why are you drinking?"

"I'm not drinking.  You stopped me," Brian said sarcastically.

"Good.  Put the bottle down and come back to bed."

Brian grimaced.  "I'll drink if I want too," he replied belligerently.

"What's going on?" Justin asked in bewilderment.  "We were so close, so together before I fell asleep."

Brian knew that was true.  He had never felt closer to Justin.  "Times change," Brian said enigmatically.

"What happened?"

"Nothing happened, Justin," Brian said wearily.  "Go back to bed."

"I'm not going anywhere until you tell me what's made you so sad."

"I … I'm not sad.  I don't do sad," Brian said carefully.

"Oh, that's right.  How stupid of me!  You don't do sad.  You don't do Christmas.  You don't do communication.  What was I thinking?"

Justin turned around and started back up the steps.

"Wait," Brian said suddenly.

Justin turned to look at him.  "Brian, don't stop me if you have no intention of talking to me about what's going on with you."

"I want to," Brian said slowly.

"Want to what?"

"Talk to you about it."

"About what?"

Brian ran his fingers through his hair and sucked in his lips.  "Do you remember anything about the prom?"

"What?"  That was not at all what Justin had expected.

"You heard me."

"I … I've told you that I don't."

"I just wondered if anything had come back to you … especially after our dance at the inaugural."

Justin shook his head.  "I'm sorry, but no."

"That's not your fault.  You don't have to be sorry."

"I wish I could remember.  You know that, don't you?"

Brian nodded.  "I know."

"Is that what you were thinking about down here?  Is that why you were drinking?"

"I wasn't drinking.  I never even got a sip.  You caught me first."

"My timing as always was impeccable," Justin grinned hoping to cheer Brian up.

"Yeah," Brian agreed.  "Like the night I found you.  A minute or two more of that guy sucking my cock and I probably would have missed you."

"That's a comforting thought," Justin stated flatly.

Brian snorted.  "He was totally pathetic."

"Lucky for me."

"No, lucky for me," Brian said sincerely.

Justin stared at Brian trying to gauge what was going on in the man's head.  "Is something wrong?" he asked.

"I don't know."

"Brian … tell me what's happening."

"I don't think I can."

"Is that because you don't want to?"

"No, it's because I don't know how.  I'm worried."

"Worried?  About what?"

"About how you make me feel."

"How do I make you feel?"

Brian sighed.  This was exactly the discussion that he didn't want to get into.  "I feel things that I never thought I would," Brian said softly.

"That's great," Justin said with a warm smile.

"No, no it's not."

"Why not?"

"Because bad things happen when I feel like this."

"Bad things?  What are you talking about?"

"The prom … the bashing."

"Were you feeling … these things the night of the prom?" Justin asked hoping Brian might finally tell him about that night.

"Yes," said so softly that Justin wasn't really sure he had heard it.

"What were you feeling?"  Justin waited hoping that Brian might finally give him some much needed answers.

"I wanted you so bad," Brian admitted.  "I was … telling the world that when I went to the prom."

"You were?" Justin asked, the breath suddenly knocked from his body.  He saw Brian nod imperceptibly.

"You were so handsome and sexy in your tux.  You took my breath away."

Justin knew he was blushing.  He was glad the apartment was still mostly in darkness, the only light coming from the streetlights glowing through the windows.  "And how did you look?" Justin asked.

"Fabulous!" Brian said quickly and gave a little chuckle. 

Justin smiled.  "You always look fabulous."

"Yeah," Brian said with a scoff.

"What else were you feeling that night?" Justin asked to get Brian back on track. 

Brian stared up at him in the darkness and Justin held his breath.  "It doesn't matter now," Brian finally said.

"Yes, it does.  It matters to me, and I don't think we'd be standing here in the dark in the middle of the night if it didn't matter to you."

Justin heard Brian let out a breath.  He decided he needed to be closer to his partner and moved down the steps.  He saw Brian take a step away from him, but he refused to be deterred.  He came up next to Brian and put his arms around Brian's slender waist.  He rested his head against Brian's strong chest so that the man didn't have to look at him.

"Tell me," Justin whispered.

There was a long silence and Justin began to think Brian would not say anything more.  Justin's arms stayed around Brian's body and he breathed in unison with the man.  He could feel Brian's heart pounding against his face.  He waited.

"I wanted you to know that I would do anything for you … even go to a fucking teenage prom.  I didn't care that I probably looked like a fool."

"You never look like a fool.  I'm sure everyone was jealous."

"Yeah, right," Brian scoffed. 

"Go on, please," Justin requested.  He didn't want Brian to stop now.

"After I walked into that room, I saw only you.  I barely spoke to Daphne … only after I realized that she was feeling strange about me taking you away from her."

Justin looked up at Brian.  He had been told by Daphne and Brian both how he told her that she looked beautiful, that he would fuck her.  He wondered if Brian really knew what he had said.

"I looked into your eyes and I knew there was no one else in the world for me except you."

"Why haven't you ever told me this before?" Justin had to ask.  "Did you tell me that at the prom?"

"No, but I was going to when you came to the loft … later."

"But there was no later," Justin said sadly.

"No, no later," Brian whispered.

"Why didn't you ever tell me what was going on in your head and in your heart that night?" Justin whispered to Brian's chest.  He didn't think they could bear to look at each other at that moment.

Justin felt a shudder ripple through Brian's body.  "I kept hoping that you would remember that night … that you would know."

"Is that why it was so important to you … for me to remember?"

"Yes.  And …"

"And?"

"And I could never come to terms with the consequences of those actions … and those feelings."

"So what was going on tonight?" Justin asked softly.

"Some of the same feelings.  I was thinking about how strong and supportive you were through all of this holiday shit.  I know you deserve better than I give you.  I take you for granted…"  Brian's voice trailed off.

"You can take me for granted all you want.  I love being here with you.  I'm proud to be your partner.  I like my life."

"That's the problem," Brian said softly.

"Problem?"

"You let me off the hook too easily.  I shouldn't take you for granted.  You're very … special."

"I am?"

"You are."

"Thanks."

"You're welcome."

"This sounds a bit like an Abbott and Costello comedy routine all of a sudden."

"It does?" Brian asked.

"Just a bit."

"Should we record it?"

"I wish.  Nobody would ever believe it happened otherwise," Justin said.

"You included?"

"I believe it.  I always knew it."

"But I never say it."

"You're saying it now."

"I should have said it when you asked me to … before."

"Umm…" Justin mumbled.  He didn't know how to answer that.  He knew he would never have gone with Ethan if Brian had said even one part of what he was saying now.

"I wasn't ready then.  I'm still not," Brian admitted.  "I think that something bad will follow."

"Let's not worry about that," Justin said.  "You've made me very happy tonight.  I want to savor that."

"I have?"

Justin looked up to see a puzzled look on Brian's face.  "Don't you believe me?" Justin asked.

"I believe you, but I thought you'd be upset that we wasted all that time," Brian said.  "That I was too much of a coward back then to say what you wanted to hear … what we both knew was true."

"It wasn't a waste, Brian.  I think that time apart taught me a lot about who I am and what I want from life."

"And what do you want?" Brian asked resting his chin on the top of Justin's head.

"You."

"Me?"

"Only you."

"Fucked up, uncommunicative, arrogant asshole that I am?"

"Yes."

"You're so easy."

"Lucky for you."

"Very lucky for me," Brian admitted.  "And all I want is you."

"Naïf, gullible jerk that I am?"

"Yes.  It's especially the gullible part that I love," Brian said and then Justin felt him tense up as they both realized what he had said.

"I love you too, asshole," Justin said trying to lighten the moment.  "Let's go back to bed.  I'm freezing."

"Me too."

Arms linked around each other they walked up the steps.  Brian gently laid them down on the bed and began kissing Justin long and passionately.  The tenderness that they shared was something new, like they had reached a new understanding and a new level of being together.

Caresses and kisses and soft moans soon gave way to more urgent cries.  When Brian finally entered his lover he had never felt so much intensity.  They were one and no one was going to break them apart again.  He kissed Justin again and again as they rode the waves of passion.  Justin understood what Brian was telling him, and he hoped Brian understood what he was saying in response.

The passion built until each of them cried out the other's name and they collapsed in a heap of exhausted flesh, each experiencing more emotion than they thought possible.

Brian opened his eyes and looked at Justin's beautiful flushed face beneath him.  He kissed the boy's lips and felt him mold his body to his own.  He loved this man beyond all reason.

"I love you," he whispered tears in his eyes.

"I know, Brian.  I love you too."

They curled into each other's arms wrapped around each other with fingers entwined.

"I meant everything I said," Brian whispered.  "In case I forget to tell you again."

"I know, but I'll remind you," Justin said softly.

"Good," Brian whispered as they drifted off to sleep.
 

 Return to Mayor Kinney Index