Lesson Learned

Brian gave one final thrust and exploded inside Justin. "That was fucking fantastic," he exclaimed, as he collapsed on top of Justin. He rolled over and gently kissed Justin's mouth.

"I like it when you are tender with me - not always big and bad and bossy. I feel really close to you."

"You do, huh? Then I'll just have to remember to be more strict with you in the future," stated Brian, not wanting Justin to be anymore clingy than he already was.

He felt Justin tense in his arms. What had he done now?

"Did I say something wrong ... again?" asked Brian.

Justin looked at him. "No, I should expect it," he said, rolling over to go to sleep.

"Fuck," Brian thought. "How can someone who has put up with all my shit, and kept coming back for more, get his feelings hurt so easily?" Brian wasn't in the mood to deal with this shit. He rolled away from Justin, intending to go to sleep. Hopefully this would all blow over in the morning.

Justin closed his eyes to block the tears. He pretended that he wanted to sleep too, but all he really wanted to do was scream. It never got any easier. Every time he thought that he and Brian had really connected, a new roadblock would rise up and smack him between the eyes. When would he learn to keep his mouth shut and not get blind-sided?

That was the problem. He didn't want to be quiet and keep his feelings to himself. Even though Brian kept everything locked up somewhere inside, except when he was in a drunken stupor, Justin wasn't like that. It was important to him to express how he felt. Brian's quick wit often resulted in very cutting and sometimes brutal remarks. He should know by now not to be surprised and hurt by them. On some level, though, he never got used to it. Expressing to Brian how he felt and how Brian made him feel was important to Justin. It was as important as the great sex, as important as the occasional kind word or gesture from Brian. He didn't expect Brian to tell him about his own feelings, but why did he have to make light of Justin's? Why couldn't he just listen and understand? Why couldn't he be kind once in a while?

Why? He's Brian Kinney, for fuck's sake! Brian Kinney doesn't do kissy feely. Brian Kinney doesn't do feelings and relationships. "Then what am I doing here?" Justin wondered.

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Brian woke to the sound of the alarm. He reached over and shut it off. As he rolled onto his back, his left arm flung out from his body, brushed against nothing but empty sheets. He sat up quickly and looked around.

"Justin," he called.

No answer.

Then he noticed the sheet of paper on the pillow where Justin should be.

"Shit!" With a feeling of dread, he reached for the paper. He opened it and read:

*I know you won't understand this, but I need some time alone to think through a few things. Please don't try to find me or contact me. I'll be in touch with you when I make my decision. J*

Brian's stomach gave a lurch and the old fear that he had screwed up once again began to surface. Always, in the soft folds of his heart was that kernel of doubt that he could sustain this relationship. There, he had admitted it! "Relationship." He fucking hated that word and all it implied. He knew deep down that he was not able to do "relationships". That's why he had avoided them his whole life. Until Justin. His beautiful Justin! A soft sigh escaped his lips. Once again he was proven right. Everyone always ended up leaving him, just as he feared. Now the most important one was gone. What the fuck was he going to do?

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As Brian stepped into the diner, he casually glanced around. The boys were in their usual booth, but no Justin. A throb in his temples made his eyes blink. Gathering all of his resolve, he walked over to the booth and dropped into the empty space.

"Don't we look cheery today," Emmett quipped.

"Coffee," Brian stated.

"Coming up. Anything else?" Deb asked.

"No."

"You're a model of civility," said Ted.

"What's got your knickers in a knot?" added Debbie.

"All I want is a fucking cup of coffee, not an inquisition!"

"Well pardon me for living and giving a shit," snapped Debbie.

"Is there trouble in paradise?" asked Emmett.

"Well, he is here without the Boy Wonder," Michael stated.

"He's gone," Brian said flatly.

"What do you mean, he's gone?" Deb asked, setting down his coffee cup. "He called in this morning and said that he wouldn't be in for a few days. What the fuck have you done now?"

"It's always my fault, isn't it? Blame Brian. I don't know what happened. When I woke up this morning, he was gone, leaving a note saying that he needed some time to think."

"Maybe he has finally gotten wise to you," Ted said. "You know how great he felt about your fucking around, and the truly endearing way that you treated him. How could he leave all that behind," Ted added sarcastically.

"Piss off!" Brian snarled.

"What are you going to do?" Michael asked.

"Nada. His note said that he didn't want me to try and find him, so I won't."

"Are you kidding?" Emmett asked. "You may finally get your wish, Sweetie. That he leave you alone - for good."

Brian looked at Emmett and the throb in his temple ratcheted up a notch. He needed to get out of there.

Throwing down some money for the coffee, he walked out of the diner without another word. As he reached the curb, a hand touched his elbow. It was Michael.

"You know that I never thought you and Justin should be together, but it sounds like you are just giving up."

"So what? He has to make his own decisions. I can't force him to stay, even if I wanted to, which I'm not sure I do."

"I don't think you really mean that. I always thought that you would be the one to end it, not him. You should at least talk to him."

"Talking's highly overrated."

"Maybe it isn't as bad as you think."

"Everyone said we were an impossible pair, a disaster waiting to happen. Maybe I should cut my losses and be done with it."

"Is that what you really want?" Michael asked.

"Who the fuck knows what I want? See ya, Mikey." And with that he was gone.

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For days later Brian returned to the loft after work. He'd had a lot of trouble concentrating, especially with that nagging throb in his head. When would it pass? With little hope of relief, he rode the elevator up to his apartment.

As he pulled down the barrier and turned toward the loft, he saw a piece of paper taped to the door. His heart gave a little flutter of hope, or dread. He wasn't sure which.

He pulled the paper from the door and went into the loft. He needed a drink. He threw off his jacket and poured a glass of Jim Beam. Taking his drink and the piece of paper, he collapsed on the sofa. A couple of mouthfuls of the liquor gave him the strength to unfold the paper. Now all he had to do was read it.

He thought he knew what it would say. He had tried for so long to push him away, but Justin had resolutely held his ground. "You're what I want," he would say. But somehow, this time without trying, he had probably managed to drive him away.

Slowly he opened the paper. It read:

*Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to prove to me that I mean something to you. If you want to find me, and maybe fix things, you will need to pass a series of tests. If you don't care, then throw this paper away, and I'll never bother you again. If you are up for the challenge, go to the place you first laid eyes on me at 9pm tonight. J*

Brian blinked back a tear. Justin was giving him, no them, another chance. The little asshole wasn't going to make it easy though. Brian would never express his love in words, so he was going to make him prove it with actions. Well he could do it, and for the first time in five days, he felt the throb in his temples subside.

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At nine p.m. sharp Brian crossed Liberty Avenue to the lamppost where he had first seen Justin. He glanced around, but didn't see Justin. That would have been too easy. He looked at the lamppost and there tied to the base was another piece of paper. He pulled it off and by the light of the street lamp he read:

*So you have decided to fight for us. That's something I guess. Now comes the hard part. The night of the Leather Ball I babysat Gus while you went cruising at Babylon. I almost made a big mistake that night, and someone gave me (and you) shit for it. Go to that person and tell them what you said in my defence. J*

Brian thought back to that night. He had wanted to go to the Leather Ball and pick up a likely trick (or two). However, that asshole had interrupted, calling him "little boy" and saying he needed a "daddy". What a turn-off!

When he returned to the loft, Melanie was there. She was taking Gus home, because Justin had almost given Gus scalding hot formula. She lit into both of us, but I gave back as good as I got. "What did I say in response? I was high as a kite. Think, Brian, you dumb fuck!"

"I better go see Melanie right now. Maybe it will come to me," Brian said to noone in particular.

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Brian rang the bell rather apprehensively. He wondered what Melanie would say. She thrived on chewing him a new asshole at every opportunity. How many "selfish pricks" or "goddam fuck-ups" would he have to listen to in order to get through this?

The door opened and Lindsay invited him in. Melanie was in the living room, looking rather smug.

"Shit," Brian thought, "she's going to enjoy every minute of this. Damn Justin for sending me to her." Brian swallowed hard, stuck his tongue in his cheek and said nonchalantly, "My you look lovely tonight, Melanie."

"Flattery will get you dick-all," she said. "Justin wasn't even sure that you would know who to come to, but you passed that part of the test."

"So what's next?" Brian asked tentatively.

"When you staggered into the loft, I told you that you would pawn Gus off on anyone, so you could go to the fucking Leather Ball. What was your response?"

Brian hadn't been able to remember when he read the note, but hearing Melanie say those words again, he knew how he would reply now and how he had replied then. "Justin's not anyone," Brian stated.

"Well, I'll be damned! I would have taken bets that you couldn't come up with those words."

"You always did underestimate me. And by the way, you are somebody too."

Melanie gave him a quizzical look. "You do know more than I give you credit for. Thanks, I think. But the question of the moment is - what did you mean by those words? What is Justin to you - someone or no one?"

"Of course Justin is someone to me. I wouldn't be here otherwise. Probably my most honest statements come out when I am under attack. I realize that Justin means a lot to me," Brian admitted. "Close your mouth, Mel, or you'll be catching flies."

Lindsay chuckled.

Melanie's jaw snapped shut, and she gave a little snort. "You never cease to amaze me," she said.

"I aim to please. Now what the fuck happens next?"

"Justin said that if I got the right answers from you, and I have, I should give you this." She waggled a piece of paper in front of his face. Brian grabbed for it, but she stepped back, just out of reach. "Not so fast. I don't know why Justin puts up with you and is giving you another chance, but I'll trust his judgment. Don't make me regret giving you this paper. If you hurt him again, I'll kick the shit out of you."

"I'm quaking in my Pradas," Brian sneered. His show of bravado was just that - a show. He knew only too well what another failure would cost him, and he wouldn't need Mel to kick the shit out of him. He would do it to himself.

Melanie handed him the paper.

"Thanks," he said, and he felt her touch his arm.

"Good luck," she said, and smiled wistfully at him.

He was taken aback. Was she actually sorry for him? He gathered his self control, kissed Lindsay goodbye and headed for the Jeep. By the streetlight near the car he read Justin's next note.

*Congratulations for making it this far. Remember the night Senator Baxter came for pasta at Deb's. You told me that she was using me. You said I shouldn't think I had won and it was over. "The minute that you do that, you're dead," you said. Go to Deb and tell her what I said in response to that. J*

"Shit!" Another chewing out was undoubtedly in store for him at Deb's. "Nobody said this would be fun, " thought Brian, as he climbed into the Jeep.

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Ten minutes later he pulled up in front of Deb's. She and Vic were playing cards at the kitchen table when he walked in.

"So you've gotten this far," said Debbie.

"Surprised?" Brian asked.

"Justin thought you could do it, but we weren't so sure," Vic volunteered.

"Thanks for the vote of confidence," Brian snarled.

"Don't get pissy with us, you little asshole," Debbie said. "Do you have an answer to Justin's question?"

"He said that he would be fine as long as he had me to protect him. But he was wrong. I couldn't protect him from the fury and then the indifference of his father. I couldn't protect him from Hobbs and the baseball bat. I couldn't protect him from that sleaze bag Sapirstein. I failed him every time. Is that what he wanted me to admit?"

"You just don't get it, do you?" Debbie asked. " You think that Justin wants to blame you for each of those things. How wrong can you be?"

Brian looked at her strangely. What was she getting at?

"What did you do about his father?" she asked.

"I tried to get him to go back home, but I couldn't let his father make him deny who he is," Brian said softly.

"So you took him home with you. You helped him decide to go to PIFA instead of Dartmouth, against the wishes of his father, but being true to his nature. You have supported him and helped him deal with the loss of his father's love. Is that a failure?"

Brian looked from Deb to Vic, but had no answer.

"And then there was the prom, and Justin paid the price for that ridiculously romantic dance." Brian winced. "Did you intend for him to be hurt? Did you try to stop Hobbs?"

"Of course I did, but again I failed."

"You probably saved his life by calling out to him and stopping Hobbs from doing anything else. You got him help as fast as you could."

"But it was so close to a different outcome," Brian said flatly.

"Justin told me about the Sap and what he did. You tried to stop him, warn him, protect him, but he wouldn't let you."

"But I should have stopped him. That's the whole point. I failed again."

"Brian, honey, you don't fail when you try. You only fail when you do nothing and you don't care. But you do care. I know that, and you're proving it to Justin. You're not a failure. You just don't have the power to control everything and everyone around you, even though you'd like to. You tried to protect him, and that is all that he asked."

"Did he tell you to say that?" Brian asked.

"We discussed it, and Justin wanted you to know that you haven't failed him."

"Then why did he leave me?"

"That's what the last clue will reveal," Vic said. "I have it, and I think you have earned the right to receive it. Okay with you, sis?"

"I agree," she said. "Don't fuck this up, Brian. He is the best thing that ever happened to you."

"I'm beginning to realize that. Maybe I can get it right this time. Thanks Deb, Vic."

Brian took the paper Vic extended to him and headed out the front door. By the porch light he read what might be the most important words of all. The note said:

*Another success, Brian! You have done very well so far. Here is the final clue. Remember the night before you signed over parental rights of Gus to Melanie? You were drinking and woke me up. I found you by the bar, staring at the picture of you and Gus. You said that you were upholding a fine family tradition of being a shitty father. I told you that you weren't a bad father. I tried to comfort you by kissing your face, your neck, your ear. I snuggled up against you. You kept asking me what I was doing. What did I tell you? Where did you tell me to go? (HINT - It wasn't to Hell). That's where you will find me. J*

Brian remembered that night well. Justin had given him the idea of signing over his parental rights to Melanie. It would get Linds and Mel back together, and it would get that prick, Guillaume, out of their lives. Gus deserved two loving parents.

Justin had been "killing him with kindness" as he called it. Brian realized that he could apply the same principle to Mel and Lindsay's situation. He could get what he wanted and make everyone happy. All he had to do was make that generous gift to Mel. That was one time he hadn't failed, thanks to Justin's example. That little fucker was too smart for his own good. Brian smiled for the first time in five days.

Brian's heart leapt in his throat, as the light dawned. He had told Justin to go to bed that night. That's where he was - in bed at the loft.

He bolted off the porch and gunned the Jeep away from Deb's house. Justin was at the loft. He was certain of it. He had met all the challenges. Justin was his. All he had to do was get to the loft and claim him. His heart raced and he could feel his cock stiffen at the thought of Justin in his bed, naked of course.

Brian charged up the stairs to the loft. The elevator would have been too slow. As he pushed open the door, the apartment was in darkness except for the blue light from the bedroom.

He called out, "Justin."

"I'm in the bedroom."

Memories of Justin's naked body, his delicious ass, his luscious mouth flashed through Brian's mind and went straight to his groin.

In a few steps he was in the bedroom. Justin sat fully clothed on the side of the bed. He looked at Brian with a level gaze that said don't come any closer.

All Brian wanted to do was rip off Justin's clothes, smother him with kisses and ravish every inch of that delectable body. The look on Justin's face told him that that wouldn't be happening any time soon. He groaned inwardly. This wasn't over yet.

Justin got up from the bed, brushed past Brian and went to sit on the sofa. "Turn the lights on and come sit over here," he said. Brian obeyed, but he felt the little throb in his temple start up again.

"You have solved all of the clues and passed all of the tests - so far. However, the most important one still remains. You remembered where you told me to go that night, but do you know what I was doing to you?"

"Killing me with kindness."

"That's right."

"Do I get my prize now?" Brian gloated. "I want to rip off your clothes right now." He saw Justin flinch. "Shit. Why do I always have to be such a wise ass?" Brian wondered.

"Why do you have to be such a wise ass?" Justin asked aloud.

Brian looked at him in amazement. "Can he read my mind?" he wondered.

"Do you know why I left the loft the other day?"

"I've tried to figure it out. I know I didn't want you to be so clingy that night. Sometimes I just need my space."

"Is that all you have been able to figure out?"

"I think so," Brian whispered, the fear beginning to rise.

"Why do you think the last clue was `killing you with kindness'?"

Justin could see the wheels turning and then the light went on.

"You said that being mean to you had never really worked, and that I should try a new tactic, like kindness." Justin smiled a bit. This gave Brian confidence to continue. He was on the right track. "So when I called you the prize, that wasn't very kind." Justin smiled a little more. "You need me to treat you better and give you some kind words, at least occasionally." Justin beamed.

"You have been paying attention. Go to the head of the class."

"But why did you leave?"

"I had to get your attention. You probably don't realize how many times you cut me off with a cruel word or action. I do know that you love me, even if you don't want to tell me in words. But sometimes this knowledge is snowed under by what you do say to me. When you won't even let me tell you how I feel, I might as well not be here. I need to express my feelings, even if you don't. When you cut me off, I feel like you don't even respect me enough to listen to me."

Brian opened his mouth to argue, but Justin's look stopped him. He better wait.

"I almost didn't give you this chance. The smallest things can cut the deepest or make me love you the most. Do you remember when you pissed on Rage? I hated you at that moment. It was like you had pissed on me and my love. Then you reassembled the whole comic book and offered to help us market it. I loved you so much I thought my heart would burst. Do you see how your words and actions affect me? The night that I left. I had told you that I loved it when you were tender with me, and your reply was ..."

"I'll have to be more strict in the future."

"Can you see that you just pissed on my love when you said that?"

"All right, I get the fucking analogy. But you know that I'll never be able to say the mushy things that you say."

"I know that, but the good news is that you don't have to. The bad news is that you have to let me say them sometimes, without pissing on them."

Brian looked at the object of his desire with newfound respect. How did he get to be so smart at his age? This kid knew what he wanted and he wasn't going to take shit (or piss) from anyone, including him. "So let me get this straight. You don't expect me to tell you that I love you every minute of every day. You don't expect me to be Mr. Romantic and want to cuddle all of the time." Justin nodded. "You want me to let you express your feelings without putting them down or baiting you."

Again Justin nodded. "Do you think you can do that?" he asked.

"I'm willing to try. At least I can give it a shot. This may be one thing that I'm not perfect at though." Justin smiled in spite of himself. "You are someone to me, Justin, someone important."

"That's a start," Justin beamed. "You know, I seem to have too many clothes on."

"That can be easily remedied," Brian grinned.

He scooped Justin into his arms and smothered his mouth with deep, passionate kisses. Clothes were flying in all directions.

"God, I've missed you."

"Me too," moaned Justin.

Brian pulled the now naked Justin up the steps to his bed. He kissed his neck, his ear, his face, each nipple. He couldn't get enough. Justin moaned and knew that he had made the right decision. He loved this exasperating man so much. His cock was rock hard and so was Brian's.

"Fuck me," he whispered.

"Your wish is my command," Brian pronounced. "Put your legs on my shoulders and it will be like the first time all over again."

Justin smiled. "That's one of the nicest things you have ever said to me."

"Enough talking," Brian groaned. His lubed finger pushed into Justin's tight little hole. Justin gasped, as he always did at the first intrusion. Then he felt the head of Brian's cock press against the opening. As Brian pushed part way in, Justin moaned with pleasure. Brian looked at that face, that beautiful sunshine smile, even in the middle of the night. Why couldn't he tell Justin that? He would try, later. Right now, more pressing needs must be met. He rammed his cock all of the way in and stopped. This was why he had taken Melanie's shit and Deb's soft scolding. He did love Justin and he needed him, physically and emotionally. Would he ever be able to admit that to his golden boy? He needed this closeness, closer than he had ever been to anyone else. Then all thought left him as he rocked in and out of Justin. The two found the rhythm that was so good between them and with a shuddering explosion they both came within seconds of each other.

After a few moments Brian pulled out and disposed of the condom. Justin rolled onto his side and slipped into Brian's arms. This was the best place in the world to be.

"It just gets better and better," Justin smiled.

"I never thought one person could satisfy me the way you do. It does get better each time," Brian admitted.

Justin smiled his sunshine smile. This was the validation he wanted. He couldn't help himself. "I feel so close to you right now. Can we stay like this forever?"

"For now. It feels right," Brian said softly.

Lesson learned!

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