Image Is Everything
Chapter Seventeen
Justin had drawn the drapes and his bedroom lay in semi-darkness. He had collapsed on the bed not even bothering to remove Mark's designer clothes. He didn't care. He didn't care about anything. He felt the tears welling up behind his eyes and his heart thumped hollowly in his chest. He felt like shit.
What had he gotten himself into? He had thought he was so smart and so brave and so sophisticated. He had gone off to Mexico wearing Ethan's ring, but leaving his boyfriend at home. He had thrown himself at Brian. They had had amazing nonstop sex. And now he was going to have to pay the piper for his actions.
He wasn't sophisticated. He wasn't brave, and he wasn't even sure he was smart anymore. If he was, he should have known better than to get himself into a mess like this. He grabbed a Kleenex and blew his nose refusing to cry. He flopped back against the pillows in defeat and desolation.
Visions of the handsome Mr. Holstrom with his hands all over Brian danced in his head. He was the smart, sophisticated one. Justin had fooled himself into thinking he was important in Brian's life, but that had been when they were alone. Now there was Mark and Karen and Jon. They were Brian's peers. He was just a dumb college kid playing at being a model.
He pulled a pillow against his stomach and held on tight. He had to figure out what to do, how to get through the rest of the day and the photo shoot, how to maintain a shred of dignity, how to get home in one piece.
He heard the door open. "Justin," Brian's voice said softly. "Are you asleep?"
Justin held his breath and didn't answer. Maybe Brian would go away.
"You're not breathing," Brian singsonged. "That means you're not asleep. What's going on?"
"I'm tired. Leave me alone."
"You have the stamina of several men combined. I've been first hand recipient of it. Now what's going on?"
Justin sighed. "I told you I'm tired."
He felt the bed shift as Brian sat down beside him. "Justin, you're not a baby. Stop acting like one."
"Fuck off."
"Not until you tell me what's going on."
Justin sighed and turned to look at Brian partially obscured by the shadows of the room. He decided he might as well tell all since it couldn't make matters any worse than he already thought they were.
"Why didn't you tell me that you and Mr. Holstrom were lovers?"
"Christ! That was like a decade ago."
"And you can pick up right where you left off. I saw the way he was touching you."
"Jon's a very tactile person."
"Is that what they call it these days?" Justin asked sarcastically.
"Justin, you'll see it for yourself when you work with him. He's always reaching in to position an arm or hand or bending your body to a different angle. You'll get used to it."
"I don't want to get used to it."
"You sound like a petulant teenager. Grow up."
"I'm not a teenager," Justin said defiantly. He had recently turned twenty.
"Just petulant then," Brian retorted.
Justin could feel the smirk on his face as much as see it in the gloom. He reached over and swatted Brian on the arm.
"Hey, now who's being tactile?"
Justin giggled in spite of himself. He felt Brian's arms go around him and pull him up into a kiss. He couldn't stop himself and kissed back.
"Are you finished being jealous?"
"I'm not jealous," Justin said immediately. Then he asked, "Should I be?"
Brian hesitated. He hoped not to have to deal with any such thing. "Jon and I fucked a long time ago when we first met."
"And ?"
"And that was that. It was over at the end of the shoot. Never happened again. Never will. We're friends."
"Like we'll be when we go back to Pittsburgh?" Justin held his breath waiting for Brian's answer.
"I thought we weren't going there, until after the shoot."
"Sure. No problem," Justin said rolling away from Brian.
"Come on, Justin. Don't do this. We have work to do tonight. Dinner is probably ready now."
"Right," Justin agreed sitting up. "I'm being stupid. I'll wash up for dinner."
He slid off the bed avoiding contact with Brian as much as possible.
"I want you in my bed tonight," Brian said as he left the room. Justin turned in surprise as the door closed behind the man. He couldn't stop the smile that quickly spread across his face.
They all had an early dinner prepared by Pilar. As soon as it was over they would head into town to use the office building for the shoot. Justin sat beside Brian and watched the dynamics of the assembled group. Mark played the gracious host making sure his guests all had what they wanted. He tried to engage everyone in conversation, even Justin, although he was able to elicit little more than one word answers from the boy.
Jon had taken the seat on the other side of Brian. They talked about mutual acquaintances or photography or the shoot later in the evening. Justin couldn't help but notice how Jon leaned into Brian's space, keeping their conversation quiet and private. His hand would occasionally touch Brian's sleeve or hand. His arm draped comfortably across the back of Brian's chair from time to time. Justin felt like a total outsider, like a loser.
Karen tried to engage Justin by talking about the changes she would make to his makeup for the evening. Justin barely responded, so Karen turned her attention to the technicians who once again ate with them. Justin picked at his food eating very little.
Mercifully the dinner ended and they all went to gather what they needed for the shoot. Clothes were loaded into one van and lights and equipment into the other. Justin hid out on the terrace, staring out to sea and wondering what the fuck he was doing there.
When everything was organized Brian came out onto the terrace. He watched Justin's body language not saying anything for a couple of minutes.
"Justin," he said finally.
Justin turned looking so woebegone that Brian wanted to take him into his arms and comfort him.
Instead he said, "Everything's ready. We need to go."
"Sure," Justin said in a small voice and began to move past Brian.
"I need to see your game face," Brian said stopping him with his hand on his arm. Justin tried to shake him off. "Justin, this is business, big business, important business. Don't fuck it up."
"Of course," Justin said pulling away and refusing to look at Brian.
They all piled into the vans and cars. Mark asked Justin to ride with him. Justin saw Brian look at him. He hoped for a second that Brian would tell him to ride in the Jeep with him, but Brian shrugged and climbed into the Jeep. Jon immediately joined him. Justin got in with Mark, and Karen sat in the back seat.
The silence was uncomfortable as they made their way into town.
"Justin," Mark said after a few minutes. "You seem down, Justin. We need some life in you for the shoot."
"Sorry," Justin replied.
"Don't be sorry. Do something about it." Mark didn't look like he was kidding.
"What can I do? If I feel down " His voice trailed off.
"Justin, I know you're new at modeling, but the first rule of modeling is that you embody the look, including the emotions, that a shoot requires. Personal stuff takes a back seat."
"But how do I do that?"
"Try to put whatever's bothering you out of your mind. Think about good, happy times that you have experienced. Whatever gets you there "
Justin stared out the window of the Mercedes as they continued into town. He knew if he thought about what he and Brian had been doing the last couple of days he would have a happy face. All he had to do was block out the image of Brian with Jon in the Jeep, and the possible consequences that would follow. He drew in a deep breath and steeled his shoulders. He wanted this shoot to be a success. People were depending on him. He would give it his best shot. Brian had said he was a natural at modeling. Tonight he was going to have to prove that. He told himself to be dazzling as he climbed out of the car in front of the offices.
He watched as Brian and Jon got out of the Jeep. They were saying something very quietly and softly to each other. They glanced over at him. He steeled himself and stood up straight and tall. He wasn't going to act like a wuss or a drama queen.
Brian came towards him. "Let's go get the clothes set up. I'm going to do some individual shots of you first, and then Jon will take over to shoot both of us," Brian explained.
Justin nodded and turned to enter the building. Brian frowned and shook his head. He knew it would be a mistake fucking Justin before their work was done. He wondered what other surprises and horrors the night would hold for them all. He followed Justin into the building.
It took about half an hour to set up the first shoot area. Justin spent the time with Karen getting ready while Brian supervised the technicians. Karen tried to make Justin feel better. She could see that he was agitated and uncomfortable.
"You need to calm down, Justin. A shoot takes lots of energy. You'll wear yourself out and look drained in the photos."
Justin shook his head. He took a deep breath. He didn't want to screw this up. He had to get control of his emotions. He took Mark's advice and closed his eyes. His thoughts went to the beach, to the pressure of Brian's body on top of him, to Brian's lips on his own, to Brian's cock up his ass. He felt his cock stir and decided he needed a change of image or he would have to go into the bathroom and jerk off.
"Something brought color to your cheeks," Karen said with a chuckle.
Justin felt himself blush even more.
Brian called out his name indicating they were ready to start. Justin took another deep breath. He stood up as Karen took the makeup bib off him. He began walking towards Brian.
"You look great," Brian said as Justin approached.
Justin nodded. "Where do you want me?"
Brian indicated the office area and Justin moved obediently into the spot. Brian began clicking immediately. Justin felt stiff and awkward at first, but gradually as he followed Brian's instructions, he began to loosen up.
"Look like you just signed a million dollar deal," Brian ordered. Justin grinned in spite of himself. "Good! Great!" Brian continued. "Now you're getting laid after your celebration party for the big deal." Justin giggled and the sunshine smile spread across his face. "I knew sex would cause the desired effect," Brian smirked.
Justin sobered a little at that statement. Brian kept shooting. After a few minutes he asked Karen to touch up Justin's makeup while they moved to the next setting in the conference room.
Brian made some lame jokes and some sexual innuendoes as they resumed the shoot. He was able to make Justin relax and even have a little fun with what they were doing. As Brian told him there would only be a few more pictures, Justin became aware that Jon Holstrom was standing off to the side and watching intently. Justin put on his best show determined to make Jon see that he was a good model and could follow instructions well.
"That was great, Justin," Brian said as he indicated they were finished. "Now we get to do this together."
Justin smiled at Brian. He then turned and walked towards Karen. He gave Jon a defiant look as he passed him on the way by.
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