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+ Nine +

Brian stared at the mock-ups. He couldn't even remember what the fuck the product was. Who cared? His mind refused to focus on anything except Justin. He wondered how he could have been so stupid all over again.

Justin had left the loft yesterday morning in a big hurry to get out of there. Brian had replayed the scene over and over again. Justin had refused to go home when they came back from the hospital, had made Brian admit that he wanted him to come in, that he wanted him, period. Brian had said it. Something he had vowed never to do. He knew he should never need anyone. He had only himself to rely on.

But he had said it. "Yes". A tiny three letter word that meant so much. Yes, come in. Yes, I want you. Yes, I'm a sorry, pathetic idiot that you can screw now and laugh at later. Brian took a deep breath.

Sure, they had had tumultuous mind-blowing sex. Sure, they had kissed until neither could think straight. Sure, he had taken Justin to witness the birth of his son. And as soon as all that was over Justin couldn't wait to get out of there. He had grabbed his clothes and said how busy he was going to be. And he had left.

Justin had not contacted him since. Brian had waited for the phone to ring or a knock on the loft door. Nothing. Almost two days had passed and he had heard nothing from the beautiful, treacherous blond. He couldn't believe he had so misread Justin's motives and feelings. He had seemed so caring and kind and sexy and genuine. He must be one hell of an actor.

Brian refocused his eyes on the mock-ups. They looked fine. Anything looked fine if he didn't look too closely. If he did, it all crumbled, turned to shit like his life.

He wondered what he could do now. He'd tried suicide, not for the first time, and that hadn't gone so well. Some part of him harbored the suspicion that he didn't really want to die. Why else would he have taken those pills knowing Cynthia was on the other side of the door? The only way he was going to die under those circumstances was when she killed him for being such a selfish bastard.

He could start calling hustlers again. They could help him push away the memories of Justin and him. Or could they? Somehow he knew they would be little more than pale imitations of the real thing. Justin had been the real thing. He had been so sure. Fuck, he was stupid.

He could go back to his old life, such as it was. Wasn't that what he'd been trying to do for the last two days? And how successful he had been at that! Not! That's why he was staring at these damn mock-ups for the three hundredth time, and he had yet to really see them.

He could call Justin and ask him what happened. But he didn't really want to hear the words he dreaded, the words he feared Justin would say. That would make it all too real. It would destroy him. He could call Justin and beg him to come back. Not bloody likely! He didn't have a whole lot of pride left in his life, but he knew he couldn't beg. People had wiped his ass for him and bathed him and fed him after the accident, but he had never begged, except maybe for them to finish him off. And he wasn't going to start begging now.

He was sitting at his desk. It was almost two in the morning. Cynthia would come for the mock-ups in a few hours, before she went to the office for work. He'd tell her they were fine and go on like everything was hunky dory. It was as good as it was likely to get.

He thought he should try to get some sleep. But he wasn't tired. If he lay down he knew he would replay the scene with Justin over and over in his head. He'd have to jerk off too because it was so powerful, so sexy, so real. But it had to be a deceit, a farce. He wondered how something could seem so real and be so false.

He dropped the mockups down beside the desk and logged onto his favorite chat site. He wondered if BB might be there. He had sort of pissed the guy off, but at least BB hadn't betrayed him like the other blond. Sure enough he was there.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

BB: What do you want?

PP: And welcome to you too.

BB: Don't try to sweet talk me. I'm mad at you.

PP: You can't still be mad.

BB: I don't like being called a whiner.

PP: I didn't really mean it.

BB: Well, at least that's something.

PP: Can we talk about something else?

BB: Sure. I met someone.

PP: That's too bad.

BB: Why? You want me for yourself?

PP: Of course.

BB: God, you have a huge ego.

PP: You told me that before. So what's this guy like?

BB: He's dark and handsome and a great lover.

PP: You could be describing me. (Brian was enjoying laying it on thick.)

BB: Jesus, don't you ever quit.

PP: They say I have the stamina of a bull.

BB: More information than I wanted. (Blushing profusely)

PP: Oh? You're so easy.

BB: Anyway, this guy is … special. I really like him.

PP: I'm happy for you.

BB: Do I detect sarcasm in that comment?

PP: How perceptive!

BB: Why can't you be happy for me?

PP: Because it doesn't end up happy. I don't believe in happy ever after. It's a crock of shit.

BB: Why? Did you get burned?

PP: Yeah, and just a couple of days ago. It sucks. Love sucks. There's no such thing as love.

BB: So you met someone too?

PP: You could say that. And it was a total mistake.

BB: How so?

PP: We fucked and then he couldn't wait to get out of here.

BB: That wasn't very nice.

PP: Tell me about it.

BB: What happened?

PP: I was a fucking idiot. I know there's no such thing as love. I should have been expecting this outcome.

BB: But he hurt you?

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Brian knew he should let this go, move on to a new topic. He never talked about his feelings, not with anyone, even before the accident. But Justin had hurt him. For the first time since the accident, and almost the first time ever, he had let his guard down. He had wanted Justin to love him, to see him as worthy, to acknowledge him as a man not a cripple. He even might have been able to love Justin back. He never thought he would think that, let alone act on it. And it had merely shown him that all his old beliefs were right.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

BB: Hey?

BB: Are you still there?

BB: You can tell me. You can tell me anything.

PP: How did this conversation get to be about me?

BB: I think you needed to vent.

PP: Anyway, tell me more about your new man.

BB: Changing the subject?

PP: Trying to.

BB: Okay, I'll let you. My man - He's … unbelievable. He's gentle and yet forceful. He's strong and yet vulnerable. He's got a great cock.

PP: Snort! I'm the one with the perfect pecker.

BB: Oh, I forgot.

PP: Well, watch it.

BB: (Giggling) I'll make sure I remember from now on.

PP: Good. Why aren't you and your new beau fucking right now? Why are you talking to me?

BB: I've been really busy. I'm making a special present for him and I have that show of my artwork that I'm getting ready for.

PP: Good luck with the show.

BB: Thanks, it's been very hectic.

PP: You're lucky. I hope it works out with this guy and you don't get shit on like I did.

BB: God, me too! I mean … I'm sorry it happened to you but I don't think the same thing will happen to me.

PP: Maybe you'll be the exception and love will work for you.

BB: I appreciate your good wishes. I better go. I shouldn't have been on here in the first place.

PP: Glad you were.

BB: Me too. Good night.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Brian logged off. He was glad BB had been there for him. Too bad Justin wasn't though.

He picked up the fucking mock-ups and stared at them. Strangely they looked different to him now. He could see what was wrong with them, what they needed. He grabbed a marker and scribbled over the pictures making notes for Cynthia so they could be fixed.

When he was done, he smiled to himself. He was good at his job. Nobody could take that away from him.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

When Cynthia arrived around eight o'clock the next morning, Brian was already up and had completed his exercises. He was freshly dressed having just showered.

"Morning, Boss," she said as he opened the loft door for her.

"The mock-ups are beside the desk. They need some serious revision."

"I brought you a latte and a muffin," she said handing him a bag. She noticed the grimace but thought better of pursuing it.

Brian began sipping his latte but never gave the muffin a second look. She wasn't too surprised, because Brian rarely ate things like muffins. She had hoped he might like a treat for a change. She had been wrong.

She glanced at the mock-ups noting the changes. She could see that they would make a world of difference. "These changes are just what the ads needed."

"Thanks," Brian said.

"So, have you seen Justin since the other morning? I was surprised he wasn't here when I arrived. I wanted to thank him."

Brian grimaced at the memory. "I don't need him anymore. As you can see, I'm better than fine."

"I wasn't implying otherwise. I just thought you two might hit it off. He seemed like a nice, young man."

"The operative word being 'seemed'."

"What does that mean?"

"Shouldn't you be getting to the office?"

"I guess," she replied studying him. She knew she had been summarily dismissed. He wanted her gone.

Not long after Cynthia left the phone rang. Brian wondered if she had forgotten something as he picked up the receiver.

"Yeah?"

"Hey man, it's Trey. I had a few minutes before my first appointment. Just thought I'd call and see how you liked the new chair."

"I should tell you to shove it up your ass for all the trouble it's caused me, but I like it too much."

"What the hell does that mean?"

"It's a long story."

"I'm bringing Chinese after work and you can tell me all about it," Trey said.

"Trey…" Brian began wanting to refuse.

"You know you can't turn me down. Have some nice cold beer ready when I get there."

"Okay," Brian gave in. He knew Trey would get the story out of him eventually anyway.

Trey arrived about 6:30 with a bag of Chinese food. He made himself to home taking out plates and dishing up food. Brian grabbed a couple of beers from the fridge and they sat at the coffee table keeping it casual.

After a few bites Trey looked at Brian. "So?"

Brian sighed. "Remember the blond I told you about?"

"The guy from downstairs?"

"Yeah, Justin Taylor. I took my new chair for a spin and met him in the street."

"You were out in the street wheeling around?" Trey asked in surprise. He knew the type of hermit-like life Brian had chosen to live. He never went out like that.

"Yeah, that chair has some bitchin' speed!"

Trey almost spit out his mouthful of beer. "Christ, man, that chair must have triggered some recessive gene in you. What the fuck got into you?"

"I haven't a clue. But I went out in the street and raced from one corner to another. I was having the time of my life."

"I fucking bet you were! I wish I could have seen it."

"Next time I'll make a video," Brian laughed.

"Is there going to be a next time?"

The smile disappeared from Brian's face. He shook his head slowly.

"What happened?" Trey asked. Brian remained silent. "I can wait as long as you can, so you might as well just tell me."

"I met Justin in the street. He wanted a ride. I gave him one."

"And…"

"We had a great time. He kissed me."

"Sounds like a blast, so where's the problem."

"He asked me to go out for coffee the next day. I guess I was feeling pretty cocky driving my Ferrari and kissing the blond, so I said yes. We were going to Starbucks and … and … I kind of had a panic attack. I ran away from him. I ran back to the fucking loft."

"You ran back to safety," Trey elaborated.

"Something like that. I was such a fool. I should have known that I can't go out in public like that."

"But you can. You do sometimes when you go to the office."

"That's different."

"It's not really, but tell me what happened."

"I … took some pills."

"To ease the panic?"

"To off myself."

"Fuck! You didn't!" Brian nodded his head. "So why are you still here?"

"Cynthia caught me right after I took them."

"Thank God."

"Don't be so sure."

"Why? What else happened?"

"Did I tell you that I'm a father?"

"Lindsay had the baby. Congratulations, man."

"Thanks."

"How does that make you feel?" Trey asked.

Brian stared at him. "Don't try that psychological shit on me. It didn't make me feel worthwhile or like venturing out again. It's not going to fix me."

"Nothing's going to fix you but time and you."

Brian snorted. "Nothing's going to fix me - period."

"Brian, don't start the pity crap. You're never going to walk again. We both know that, but that doesn't mean you can't have a life. You can go to Starbucks for coffee - with Justin," Trey added as an afterthought.

"No way! One attempt at that was enough."

"Don't give up so easily. Nobody said it would be a walk in the park, but you can ride in the park if you want to. Take it step by step. Don't try to do it all at once."

"Thanks for the pep talk, oh wise and sagacious one. You're full of shit, you know."

"I am not, and you know it."

There was a knock on the loft door. Trey saw Brian grimace.

"I'll go," Trey said.

He walked over to the door and pulled it back. There was a look of surprise on the face of the blond who stood there.

"You must be Justin," Trey said. "I was just leaving."

Justin stood in the doorway watching the good looking black man disappear down the stairs.

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