Domestic Bliss

Revisiting Old Demons

Justin awoke with something pressing on his chest. He opened his eyes to see the top of Brian's head. The man was still sprawled on top of him. It wasn't like Brian to do that, but Justin wrapped his arms around his partner and held on. He had everything he had ever wanted safe in this bed with him. He would never let it go.

Brian slept on as Justin's mind wandered back to the events of the previous evening. What was he going to do about Ethan Gold? Surely the man was only in Pittsburgh to play his concert and then he would move on. Maybe Justin could avoid him for however long he was in the city, and then he would be gone and he'd never have to think of him again.

Ethan wouldn't know where they were. If he tried the loft, someone else lived there now. Justin pulled in a long breath. He was safe. Ethan wouldn't find him.

"How long have you been awake?" Brian asked with his head still buried in Justin's neck. "You should have shoved me off." Brian rolled to the side and onto his back. He looked over at Justin. "Are you okay?"

"Just thinking."

"About Ian."

"Why do you persist in calling him that?"

Brian frowned and then decided to be truthful. "I hate saying his name. I hate all that it conjures up. Ian doesn't have quite the same impact."

Justin's mouth dropped open and he stared at Brian. "He hurt you too, didn't he?"

"He fucking took you away from me!"

"But you let me go," Justin whispered.

"I did. I thought it was what you wanted."

"But it wasn't. I wanted you to tell me that you loved me and wanted me to stay."

Brian sighed. "You know back then I couldn't say those words."

"I guess I know, but it hurts to think about it. Didn't you trust me enough?"

"I didn't trust myself enough. I wasn't sure about anything." Brian ran his hand over his eyes. "Loving you was all so new. I didn't think I was good enough. I'm still not sure I am. I thought you'd leave eventually, so you might as well go to someone that you wanted."

"I'm not going anywhere. You're what I want."

"Still?"

"Always."

Brian rolled towards Justin running his hand along Justin's side. "I almost fucked it all up … with Trip Bedford."

Justin grimaced. "There's another name that doesn't need to be spoken in this house."

"How be we call him Drip instead," Brian smirked.

"How be we never mention his name at all."

"Okay," Brian smiled letting his hand slide beneath the covers to find Justin's morning wood.

"Last night was great, Brian. I had almost forgotten how wonderful it feels to do it raw."

"Yeah, it was spectacular. Did it help you calm down?"

"I was so excited at first," Justin giggled. "And then I was so exhausted that I had no trouble sleeping."

"How do you feel today?"

"I was thinking that Ethan will be here for a couple of days at the most. I never have to see him again."

"You don't want to? You don't want to know what he wrote in his note?"

Justin shook his head. "I don't care. That part of my life is over. It's in the past and it can stay there."

"What did you do with the note?" Brian asked.

"I don't remember."

"It could have been something important."

"Not likely."

"What if he just wants to put everything to rest? Wouldn't that be good?"

"When did you get to be such an optimist?"

Brian snorted. "I'm hardly an optimist. I just thought that you might want to put it all behind you … once and for all."

"I do, and when Ethan leaves town, it will all be behind me."

Brian raised an eyebrow but decided not to say anything else. "You up for something more pleasant?" he asked with a glint in his eyes.

"How could I not be with your hand wrapped around my dick?"

"Is that where my hand is," Brian chuckled. "I forgot."

"Early 'Old Timers'?" Justin chuckled.

"Shit, no!"

"Didn't they used to say you went blind if you played with your dick too much. Maybe it affected your brain." Justin tried to keep a straight face.

"I'm not playing with my dick. I'm playing with yours," Brian said rolling over and effectively trapping said dick between their bodies. "And there's nothing wrong with my brain."

"You may have to prove that, 'Old Timer'." Justin chuckled and then yelped as Brian bit his nipple rather forcefully.

"I think I'm going to have to fuck these evil thoughts right out of you."

"See if you can," Justin challenged, so Brian did.

Some time later they lay half on top of each other recovering from the exquisite pleasure of another incredible orgasm.

Brian groaned and rolled to the side of the bed. "I need a shower. We stink."

"Speak for yourself," Justin chuckled.

"I was, and you stink too."

"Okay, let's shower."

Brian groaned even louder and forced himself upright. Justin's stomach rumbled deep and long.

"Hungry much?" Brian laughed.

"You never let me eat. You just fuck me and fuck me and fuck…"

Brian grabbed his hand and yanked him into the bathroom before he could continue to bitch.

Another round in the shower and they headed for the kitchen with towels wrapped around their waists. Justin was starving and Brian had to admit that he was ready to eat too. Justin toasted a bagel for them to split while Brian beat up some eggs to make scrambled eggs. They wolfed it down and Justin started another bagel. That's when the phone rang.

It was Gwen wanting to make sure Justin was okay. He thanked her for taking him to the concert and tried to assure her that he wasn't upset about the business with the violinist. In fact, he had almost put Ethan out of his mind until her call. The bagel popped up in the toaster and he told her he'd have to go. That was when he noticed that Brian had disappeared. He buttered his bagel and found some jam in the fridge. He had just taken his first bite when Brian reappeared.

"Here," Brian said setting down a folded piece of paper beside Justin's plate.

Justin saw the big "J" on the front and knew it was Ethan's message. "I don't want to see that. Throw it away," he said pushing it aside.

"Usually I stay out of your business, but this time I really think you should read it."

"Did you read it?" Justin asked with an accusatory look on his face.

"No, I didn't fucking read it! I found it on the floor next to the bed. You read it!"

"I don't take orders from you," Justin declared.

"And you're not the boss of me either," Brian said in his best petulant little boy voice. "Read the fucking thing! It could be important."

Justin was tempted to rip the paper into a thousand pieces, but he looked into Brian's eyes and saw concern there. "You really think I should read this?" Brian nodded and refused to release Justin from his gaze.

Justin picked up the paper gingerly like it might spontaneously combust and burn his fingers. With slow deliberate movements he opened the paper and held it without looking at it.

"You may regret this," Justin said.

"I'll take my chances."

Justin looked down at the paper holding his breath. He began to read.

I was so surprised, and pleased, to see you in the audience tonight. I didn't think you'd ever come to see me perform. I can't tell you how good it was to see you. I played that piece just for you. You know the one.

I really would like to talk to you. I need to talk to you. I leave tomorrow night, but could we have coffee or something tomorrow. Call me at 555-8132.

Ethan

Brian studied Justin's face as he read. When Justin didn't say anything after a minute or two, Brian began to regret giving him the note to read.

"Justin," Brian said. "What did he say?"

Justin shook his head. "He wants to have coffee."

Brian let out a breath. That didn't sound so bad. "You could invite him here."

"I could? You'd let Ian come into your house?"

"Our house. Yes, I would, if you think you should talk to him."

"I can't believe you're saying this."

"It's your house too, and if you'd feel safer here, then ask him. I could make myself scarce unless you needed me."

"Brian, I don't think I want to talk to him at all, but thank you for offering to let him come here. You have no idea how much that means to me."

"I think you need to put this to rest, Justin. Call him."

Justin hesitated, but then picked up the phone. Maybe it was time to confront this demon. Maybe it would be good to face Ethan and end this once and for all. He dialed the number on the paper.

"Hello?"

"Ethan, it's Justin."

"You called? I'd just about given up hope."

"I … I almost didn't call. What do you want to talk about?"

"A whole lot of things, but I think it would be best if I said them to you in person, not over the phone."

"I … I don't know," Justin hesitated.

"Please, Justin, I'll meet you wherever you say."

Justin sighed. "Here's the address," he said doubting the wisdom of his actions.

"I'll be there as soon as I can," Ethan said before cutting the connection.

"You okay?" Brian asked. He had listened to Justin's end of the conversation.

"I think this is a mistake."

"I'll be here, Justin. If you want, I won't leave you alone with him."

"Thanks, but if I'm going to do this, I need to talk to him alone."

"Whatever you say."

"Be here when he arrives? I want him to know we're together."

"Of course. We'll meet him together and then I'll leave you alone."

"Thanks."

"Don't thank me. I hope I gave you the right advice."

"So do I."

Some time later, Brian sat at the kitchen table looking at the morning paper, or pretending too. Justin had been a ball of frenetic energy ever since he had called Ethan. He had got dressed and then had run around the kitchen making sure everything was tidied. He had found some cookies and had a pot of coffee brewing. Brian felt like Justin was about ready to jump out of his skin.

"Come sit down here," Brian said.

"I can't. I'm too nervous."

"Sit! Or I'm going to take you upstairs and fuck you into unconsciousness."

"Brriiaan," Justin whined. "I should call Ethan back and tell him not to come."

"He's probably outside the door right now."

"You think?" Justin asked looking in the direction of the front door.

"You'll be fine, just try to calm down."

"I'll try."

The doorbell rang and Justin jumped at least two feet from where he was standing.

"You want me to get it?" Brian asked.

Justin shook his head. "No, but come with me."

When Brian stood up, Justin slipped his hand into Brian's and they walked to the front door. Brian had the feeling he was escorting Justin to his execution based on the vibes that were emanating from his lover.

At the door Justin stopped and stared at the wood structure like it might fly open of its own volition.

"You have to turn the knob, Justin," Brian said gently.

"I know." Justin reached out and managed to grasp the knob. He was sure it was going to electrocute him … or at least he wished it would. Finally he gained the strength to pull it open.

"Justin," Ethan said and then glanced past his former lover to see Brian standing behind him. "Brian," he added.

"Ethan," Brian said using the man's correct name for once.

"Um … come in," Justin managed to get out.

Ethan stepped across the threshold. "It's so good to see you again, Justin."

Brian noted that he had effectively been left out of that statement. "I'll be in the family room working on … something," he said as Justin led Ethan into the kitchen. Neither of them seemed to be paying any attention to him. He shrugged and walked into the family room still within earshot if anything untoward happened.

"This is a great house," Ethan said.

"We like it," Justin replied as he poured them each a coffee. He added two sugars and some cream to Ethan's without even thinking. In fact he was having trouble thinking at all. He handed the mug to Ethan.

"You remembered how I like it," Ethan smiled.

"Yeah, I guess I did," Justin replied as he carried his own coffee to the table and sat down. Ethan followed him. "Cookie?" Justin asked holding the plate out to him.

"No thanks, but the coffee's good."

"It's Brian's favorite."

"I … I'm kind of surprised that you two are together."

"Why?"

"I don't know. You two are so different from each other, and you sort of have this history…"

"Of breaking up?"

"Well, yeah. But I didn't come here to talk about that. There's something I thought you would want to know."

"What's that?" Justin asked with a frown.

"I … I guess there's no easy way to say it, but I'm … HIV positive."

"Oh no, Ethan, I'm so sorry."

"So am I," Ethan said ruefully. "But I guess it was my own fault. I'm not exactly sure how I got it, but I did a lot of fucking around after I left Pittsburgh. I … I wasn't very careful."

"You asked me to do it raw a couple of times," Justin remembered.

"But you never let me."

"Brian taught me that."

"It feels so good without a condom, but the price is fucking high," Ethan said staring into his mug of coffee like it might hold some of the answers to the mysteries of life.

"I know how good it feels," Justin admitted.

Ethan's eyebrow went up. "You and Brian?"

"Yeah, for a while now."

"But doesn't he fuck around?"

Justin shook his head. He didn't really want to discuss his and Brian's sex life with his former lover. "So you don't know who infected you?"

"No, but I've spoken to all the men I've had sex with … at least, the ones I can remember and find. I'm pretty sure I got this after we were together, but you should probably get tested anyway."

"I was just tested and I'm negative," Justin stated.

"Oh," Ethan said staring at Justin.

"We get tested regularly," Justin added not wanting Ethan to jump to the conclusion that he seemed headed for. And he certainly didn't want to get into the whole Trip Bedford story.

"That's wise. This has smartened me up a lot, but it's kind of too late. You were lucky to have Brian to guide you."

"Yes, I was and I still am. I'm sorry to hear about this, Ethan. Are you taking care of yourself? There's a lot that can be done to keep you well."

"Yeah, I've made some radical changes in my lifestyle. I have a good career going and I want to make the most of it while I can. I don't want to end up alone and sick in some…"

"Stop it!" Justin ordered. "Don't say things like that. You have your whole life ahead of you."

"Such as it is."

"Ethan, I'm sorry to hear this, but you can stay healthy for a long time if you look after yourself. You remember Ben?"

"Yeah, how is he?"

"He's still doing great. He's had a few problems, but he has such a positive outlook. That's what keeps him going."

"I suppose."

"Ethan, don't give up. You have so much talent. You can do great things."

"How can you say that after the way I treated you?"

"That was then, this is now," Justin said rather philosophically. "You apologized. That's all behind us."

Ethan looked into Justin's eyes. "I can't tell you what it meant to me to have you attend my performance. I never thought you would do that … even though it was my greatest wish."

Justin felt himself blushing. How could he tell Ethan that he was there totally by accident, that he had no idea that Ethan was going to be performing. The fact was that he couldn't tell him that. It was better to just keep it to himself. "Would you have called me if I hadn't been there?" Justin asked curiously.

"I needed to contact you about the HIV, but when I saw you in the audience it made it so much easier."

"Well, I'm glad we had this chance to talk," Justin said finishing off his cup of coffee.

"Me too. Jus, I wish things had been different between us. I … I really loved you."

"Thanks for telling me that." Justin knew he couldn't say the same thing about Ethan. He wasn't sure he had ever loved Ethan, but he had allowed himself to be swayed by pretty words, words that Brian wouldn't say.

"Do you forgive me?"

"Um … sure," Justin said hastily. This was getting to be a little too much. "Would you like some more coffee?"

Ethan shook his head. "Are you happy?"

"Yes, yes I am," Justin said and he meant. It was a good thing Ethan hadn't asked him that during the Trip Bedford mess.

"That's good," Ethan said softly. "I better go. I have a plane to catch in a few hours."

"Where are you off to now?" Justin asked.

"San Francisco."

"Well, break a leg or whatever…" Justin laughed.

"As long as it's not a hand. Thanks for this, Jus. Bye, Brian," Ethan called as they got to the front door.

"Take care of yourself," Justin replied. Ethan looked like he wanted to give Justin a hug, but was afraid to. Justin reached out and pulled Ethan into a warm hug. "Keep in touch," he said as Ethan walked away and he closed the door on that part of his life.

Justin stood by the door not knowing what to do or say. Brian came out of the family room.

"You okay?" he asked.

"Um … could you just hold me for a minute?"

Brian moved over to him and pulled him into an embrace. He walked them slowly back into the family room and they sat down on the sofa, Brian's arm still around Justin's shoulders. Justin shifted around and leaned back against Brian's chest putting his feet up on the sofa. He felt Brian's arms go around him and pull him tight against his body.

"How much of that did you hear?" Justin whispered.

"Most of it."

"I can't believe that Ethan is HIV positive."

"I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy," Brian whispered.

"At one time I thought he was my worst enemy. It was good to see him, but now I just feel so bad for him."

"Nobody deserves that."

"It … it could have been me …except for you."

"What do you mean?"

"You taught me never to let anyone fuck me bareback. That was one of the most important things you ever did for me."

"I seem to remember that you put up quite an argument that it was the way to go," Brian whispered against Justin's hair.

"I was so stupid and naïve back then."

"I only wanted you to be safe."

"And that's why you told me about Trip, wasn't it?"

"Of course. If I thought what I had done could hurt you…"

Brian's words hung in the air between them.

"It's so important to be honest with each other."

"Like you were honest with Ethan about why you were at the concert?" Brian asked.

"I couldn't tell him the truth about that. It would have hurt him so much, and it wouldn't have made things any better."

"Yeah, I guess."

"I love you."

"I know, and I hope you will always be able to trust me with that love," Brian whispered.

"So far it's working out pretty good," Justin sighed softly.

"Even after what I did?"

"Maybe because of what you did. I think we're stronger and smarter and better now than we were before Trip Bedford."

"You do?" Brian asked. "I thought you would be more disillusioned and hurt and upset."

"I was all those things, but what Ethan just told me kind of put everything into perspective. I am lucky to have you and we're going to be all right."

"Is that really how you feel?"

Justin nodded. He snuggled back against Brian and enjoyed the safety of being in Brian's arms.

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