Domestic Bliss

Fact and Fantasy

The next morning Justin awoke before Brian. He felt Brian's long body spooned up against his back. Gently and slowly he turned so he could look at Brian. Brian was worthy of study.

Justin noted the handsome face and tiny wrinkles around the eyes. He smiled as he knew he would never mention them to his partner. Brian was very vain about his looks even after all this time. But that was all right with Justin. He appreciated Brian's looks. He appreciated being with the handsomest man in all of Pittsburgh, in all the world as far as he was concerned.

But it was Brian's inner beauty that had always attracted Justin as much as his outer beauty had been the first draw. He remembered being stunned by the beautiful Mr. Kinney the first night they had found each other under that lamppost on Liberty Avenue. But it had been the Brian who had taken him to the hospital for the birth of his son, the Brian who had asked for his advice on the name for the baby and the Brian who had taken his virginity with caring and concern that he had fallen in love with.

They had been through so much, the bashing and its aftermath, Ethan, Noel and now Trip. Brian was too attractive for his own good. And yet Justin didn't really blame Brian. Brian had always been honest about fucking, and he had been honest about being with Trip even if he hadn't wanted to tell Justin.

It was something that was inside Justin that was causing the problems between them. He hated to admit it but he knew that was the truth. Brian didn't want Trip Bedford. Justin knew that. So why couldn't he let the whole incident go? He had tried to do that but he just couldn't quite relinquish the hurt and … disappointment. That was it. It was the disappointment in their relationship. The fact that it hadn't been strong enough to resist Trip, that someone had been able to come between what he had thought was their rock solid relationship. That was what made Justin scared. He couldn't go back to being the naïve little princess expecting to live happily ever after with his handsome prince. They would never have that fantasy again, and Justin didn't like that at all.

Justin sighed as his finger slid along Brian's lips. He remembered those kisses from the night before. He had never been so turned on in … forever. Brian was still the best lover on the planet. But Justin knew deep inside him that he had held back just a bit, refusing or unable once again to give himself totally to Brian. He wondered if that would ever change, if maybe Dr. Jamison could make it change.

"You're thinking too much," Brian said softly.

"How do you know I'm thinking?" Justin chuckled. Brian could still surprise him.

"I know you," Brian said simply. "Plus I could smell the burning rubber from the spinning wheels in your head."

"That's a weird image."

"Yeah," Brian laughed. "Somewhere between my brain and my lips it got convoluted. Maybe it was your finger on those lips that distracted me."

Justin rolled onto his back. He stared at the ceiling not saying anything.

"Would you prefer if I went back to sleep and didn't talk to you?" Brian asked.

"I was thinking."

"No shit!"

"About what we did last night."

"And the verdict was?"

"You're the world's best kisser."

"Thanks," Brian chuckled. "But after that things went downhill."

Justin turned his head to look at Brian. "You felt it."

"I know you."

"You already said that."

"It's true. I felt when you turned off."

"I didn't turn off."

"Then … I felt when you drew back, didn't let it happen, had to force it."

"Shit! I was trying," Justin whispered.

"Maybe that's the problem. We didn't used to have to try. It just happened … naturally."

"That's what I want back, Brian," Justin said sincerely. "How do I stop myself from drawing back, from not giving myself to you?"

"I wish the fuck I could answer that."

"So do I."

"That's why we're going to see Frank. Maybe he can answer that," Brian said.

"Maybe."

They both got up and started getting ready for work. They wouldn't see Frank until the following day. That seemed like forever.

Justin arrived at Hartford Graphics some time later. He made his way through the reception area into the animation studio in the back. A couple of his co-workers were already there working on some project. Justin went to his desk and set his bag down. He went back to the small kitchen area and poured himself a coffee. He carried it back to his desk and picked up his phone punching in the numbers to retrieve his messages.

There was only one message, from his boss reminding all employees of a meeting at twelve noon that day. Justin wondered what the meeting was all about, but he deleted the message and hung up the phone.

At twelve noon everyone assembled in the meeting room next to the boss' office. Mr. Hartford came in looking rather subdued. He asked for their attention and everyone fell silent, sensing that something wasn't right.

"Ladies and gentlemen, I called you together to give you some interesting news. I have sold Hartford Graphics to JB3 Industries. I will be clearing out my office and turning the company over to them. A new manager will speak to you some time tomorrow."

There was a collective gasp.

"But what about us?" someone called out. "Will we still have jobs?"

"As far as I know you will. I imagine the new owner will make some changes, but I wouldn't think he would do anything too drastic."

"But there are no guarantees of that?"

Mr. Hartford shook his head. "Thank you all for your hard work over the years. I hope everything works out for you." With that he left the room.

"Well, fuck him," Kyle said. He was one of the artists that Justin worked with. "I've been here for almost ten years. I better not lose this job."

Everyone agreed with that as they all went back to their work wondering if they would be doing the same job tomorrow or the day after.

When Justin arrived home from work he told Brian about the sale of the company. Brian raised an eyebrow.

"I thought that company was doing really well," Brian observed. "Why would Hartford sell?"

"That's what I don't understand. He never gave us any reasons for the sale."

"He must have got one helluva price for it then."

"You think it was the money?" Justin asked.

"Has to be."

"Shit! I liked working there."

"Who says you still can't?"

"The new owner is going to make some changes," Justin explained. "And I'm low man on the totem pole. You know, last hired, first fired."

"But if the company is doing well, there should be no reason to cut back."

"I hope you're right," Justin said.

The next day Justin went to work filled with apprehension about what the new owner would do. On his messages there was the voice of a man introducing himself as the new manager of Hartford Graphics. He summoned his employees to another noon meeting.

Justin and Kyle had a quick conference about what they expected from this man. Then they got back to work, not wanting anybody to think they were slacking off.

At noon a lot of worried employees piled into the meeting room. Soon after, a little runt of a man walked in. He slapped down a folder on the conference table and looked around at the assembled group.

"My name is Alec Bischoff," he proceeded to tell them. "I will be managing this company from now on. I've been going through the roster of employees. I intend to weed out and get rid of any dead wood around here. I hope I make myself clear. Over the next couple of weeks I will personally meet with each of you and check to see if your work measures up. At the end of that time I will make some hard decisions. That's all for now."

Alec Bischoff picked up his folder and marched out of the room.

"What a pompous ass!" Kyle whispered to Justin.

"I think he suffers from small man's disease."

"What's that?"

"Small men who try to make themselves seem important by lording it over everybody else."

"You got that right," Kyle chuckled. "Justin, I'm worried," Kyle continued as the group made their way out of the meeting room. "It sounds like he's going to fire some people. He just isn't sure who yet."

"That's what it sounds like," Justin ruefully agreed.

"Fuck! I need this job."

"Don't we all? But you've been here a long time, Kyle. I'm the new guy, so it will probably be me."

"That would hardly be fair. You do some of the best work in the whole place."

"You think so?" Justin smiled.

"Absolutely."

"Thanks for telling me that. It may make getting fired a little easier."

"Let's go across the road to the deli and I'll buy you lunch," Kyle offered.

"I hope it isn't my last lunch here," Justin muttered as they went out the door.

At five o'clock Brian was waiting outside Dr. Jamison's building. He kept looking up and down the street trying to spot Justin. Suddenly his cell phone rang and he pulled it out of his pocket.

"Where the fuck are you? We're already late."

"Sorry but I just couldn't leave early. I'm in a cab and should be there in about five minutes. Go on in and I'll meet you there."

"Sure."

Brian went up to the office where Frank was waiting for them. He seemed surprised when Brian walked in late and alone.

"I was beginning to think you weren't coming," Frank said. "Where's Justin?"

"He's on his way. Should be here in five minutes or so."

"Have a seat. Maybe we can talk before he gets here."

Brian raised an eyebrow but sat down looking questioningly at Frank. "What do we need to talk about?"

"Don't get your knickers in a knot. I just wanted to tell you that Justin seems very subdued and not totally committed to this process. Would you agree?"

Brian frowned. He didn't want to admit it, but he knew Frank was right. "I don't think he feels we can fix this," Brian finally said.

"And why is that?"

"Because I hurt him too much this time."

"And hasn't he hurt you?"

Brian winced. "Yes, but not like this."

"I think what he did was very much like this, and maybe that's why he's having so much trouble with it."

"What do you mean?"

"You forgave him after Ethan. He's not sure he can forgive you. It makes him afraid to really try in case he fails."

Brian thought about that for a minute. "But he says he's trying."

"He is, but somewhere deep inside he's afraid."

"You're sure about that?"

"There's nothing a hundred percent in this business but that would be my best guess."

"So … what can we do about it?"

"The usual answer is time." Brian grimaced. He wasn't sure how much more of Justin pulling away from him he could stand. "Part of the reason I gave you the homework I did is that I want you two to remember why you're together."

"I see."

"So I hope you have chosen wisely."

"That makes two of us."

There was a gentle knock on the door and Justin appeared. "Sorry I'm late," he said.

"Come in and sit down," Frank gestured.

Justin looked from Brian to Frank as he sat down. "Were you talking about me?"

"Yes, we were," Frank said bluntly.

"I don't think that's fair when I'm not here to defend myself."

"What makes you think you would need to defend yourself?"

Justin looked at Brian. "I'm the one with the problem."

"Not of your own creation, however," Frank replied.

Justin nodded but it didn't make him feel a whole lot better.

"Since we're getting somewhat of a late start, I'd like to hear what incidents you chose that made you really happy," Frank stated. "Who'd like to go first?"

"I will," Justin said. "It was actually easy."

"Really?" Brian asked wondering if it would be all about sex.

Justin smiled a bit. "You probably think I'm going to pick that first night we were together." Brian grinned. "And I am. But not for the reason you're thinking. The sex was great, but then I had nothing to compare it to. But that wasn't what made me happy. It made me horny and lustful and sated and … then wanting more. Always more. The happy part came when you took me to the hospital with you and asked me to name Gus. I was so happy that you let me be part of that. You hardly knew me, yet you trusted me to be part of something so important."

Brian smiled and reached for Justin's hand giving it a squeeze. "I guess I knew you were somebody special right from the first moment."

"Am I … somebody special?"

"Justin," Brian replied, the hurt evident in his voice. "Doubt everything else, but never doubt that you are special … to me … to everyone."

Justin gave a faint smile. "Thank you," was all he said.

"Brian, what example of being happy did you select?" Frank asked.

"The night after the bashing when you let me touch you for the first time, when you let me make love to you," Brian said baring his soul as he looked into Justin's eyes. He cleared his throat trying to get control of his emotions.

"Why did you pick that time?" Frank inquired.

"I …" Brian began, still staring into Justin's eyes. "I've never had anyone depend on me like that, trust me like that. It was special."

"Justin, what is your second choice?"

"It's actually my first choice, if you want to call it the happiest."

"Okay, when was that?"

Brian studied Justin wondering what he would identify as the happiest moment.

"My graduation day," Justin said softly. "Brian got my father to come to it. He made this amazing wall of pictures of my family and friends. He convinced my father to come to the celebration. It was the most … magnificent gesture that he could have made."

Frank was familiar with Justin's rocky relationship with his father. He didn't need to ask more. He looked at Brian who wiped at a tear that threatened to drop onto his impeccable suit.

"Brian, do you have a second choice?"

"Like Justin, it's actually my first choice," Brian said.

"Saving the best for last," Frank chuckled.

"You could say that," Brian admitted. "I was going to say I was happiest when we found our home, but we have so many good memories from there. The one Justin just mentioned is certainly high on the list. But I was also thinking of another time that I was very happy," Brian said staring into Justin's eyes.

"Justin went to New York to study for several months. I was afraid he might never come back. I visited him several times, but one weekend I brought Gus with me and we had the best time."

"Yeah, we did," Justin smiled holding onto Brian's hand a little tighter. "Gus was so cute that weekend."

"He kept asking me 'Where's Justin?' all the way there, like you might be waiting just around every corner."

"Remember Daisy and the ride through Central Park?" Justin asked.

"And the hot dog you forced me to eat."

"I didn't force you, Gus did, and you enjoyed every mouthful."

"Yeah, I did."

"That was a great weekend, Brian."

"Yeah."

"Seems we have a consensus on this one."

Both men nodded. Frank looked them up and down waiting for them to come to the same conclusion that he had. When neither man spoke he knew he had to prod a little bit.

"Do you realize what your choices mean?" he asked.

"That we have had happy times?" Brian replied.

"Yes, but think about what you chose as the happy moments."

"Yeah?" Justin frowned trying to understand what Frank was getting at.

"None of them has much to do with sex," Frank finally pointed out.

Brian saw the light first. "Even the one I chose about making love after the bashing was about … love, not sex."

"Exactly."

"And neither of mine were about sex," Justin added.

"So what does that mean?" Brian frowned.

"Let me ask you a question in return," Frank continued. "Were you happy with Trip, Brian?"

Brian shook his head scrunching up his face in revulsion. "I wish it had never happened."

"And Justin, were you happy with Ethan?"

"I thought I was at first, but it wasn't real. It was a fantasy that he led me to believe and then he betrayed me."

"Has Brian ever betrayed you?"

"With Trip."

"I guess you could call it that, but it doesn't seem like a very important part of your relationship in the greater scheme of things. If I asked you what was the worst time in your relationship, what would you say?"

"The bashing," they both replied simultaneously.

"So how high does the Trip thing rank?"

"Pretty high," Justin felt compelled to say.

"It seems to me that you have put up with a lot of Brian, pardon my French, fucking around since you two have been together."

"But he never cared about any of them," Justin protested.

"Did you care about Trip, Brian?"

"A little, but not nearly as much as Justin seems to think. I didn't want to kick him when he was down."

"So you fucked him instead."

Brian glared at Justin. "He means nothing to me. I don't know how many more times I can say that."

"You can say it as many times as you like, but it doesn't make it true."

"Are you saying Brian is lying to you, Justin?" Frank asked. If there was one thing he knew about Brian Kinney, it was that he didn't lie.

"He thinks he means it, but under the right circumstances…" Justin let his voice trail off.

"It won't ever happen again," Brian stated.

Justin stared at the floor.

"Look at me, Justin. I mean it."

Justin looked up. "How can you promise that when you don't know that would be the case?"

"I know."

"You do?" Justin asked.

"Is that what's been bothering you? Are you entertaining the idea that I would seek out Trip again?"

"There's nothing entertaining about the idea, and probably Trip will be the one doing the seeking."

Brian shook his head. "I'd tell him to fuck off. I mean it."

"Truthfully?"

"Absolutely."

"I … I wish I could believe that."

"And until you do, we're not solving anything."

"Justin, may I suggest something," Frank asked.

"Um … sure. It can't do anything but help."

"Why don't you sit down and make a list of what will happen if things continue the way they are, and then balance it out with a list of what will happen if you truly forgive Brian."

"But what good will that do?" Justin sighed in frustration. "I know what I'm going to lose if we can't fix this. I know it all rationally, but I don't feel it inside me. I don't feel anything anymore."

"You did a few minutes ago when you were holding Brian's hand."

"That … that was different."

"It told me that you still have those feelings. They're there but you choose not to let them out."

"I do?"

Frank nodded. "Try the exercise and bring the list with you to our next meeting."

"Okay," Justin said slowly.

"I think that's enough for today. I'll see you again in a couple of days."

Brian and Justin stood and quietly left the office. They didn't talk until they got to the Corvette and were on their way home.

"That was a fucking waste of time," Justin griped. "I know you two cooked something up before I got there."

"We did not. Why would you think such a thing?"

"Then tell me exactly what was said."

Brian used his photographic memory to give Justin a verbatim account of exactly what happened before Justin arrived at Frank's office.

"Is that all?" Justin asked when Brian fell silent.

Brian nodded. He was getting fucking ticked off being questioned about everything he did and said. It was like Justin didn't believe him about anything anymore.

Justin looked at Brian furtively from the corner of his eye. He could tell Brian was annoyed. The tension in the car was not pleasant.

"Are you going to make that list too?" Justin asked.

"I think Frank asked you to do it."

"He didn't specify that."

"Fine, I'll make the list too."

"Good," Justin said.

Brian could tell it was going to be a long night, and a longer two days before they saw Frank again.

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