Domestic Bliss

Sex, Lies, and ...

Brian thrust into Justin hard. He wanted this to be good for both of them. He continued to ram Justin's sweet ass feeling his orgasm build. He reached beneath Justin and started stroking him off. He could feel Justin freeze for a second and then quickly he was coming in Brian's hand. Brian tugged a few more times as he felt Justin shudder beneath him. Then Brian was coming filling the condom and finally rolling away. He looked over at Justin to see what was on the young man's face. It wasn't the expression he was looking for.

"Was it good for you?" Justin asked staring up at the ceiling of their bedroom.

"Yeah," Brian replied reaching for a cigarette. He had been smoking a lot more since the Trip thing. And now he was lying; something he never did. It hadn't been very good, mediocre at best. He frowned at that realization as he flicked his lighter.

"Don't," Justin said touching his hand. That simple gesture was almost more intimate than what they had just done.

Brian set the cigarette back on the nightstand. He turned to look into Justin's eyes. "It's not that we're using condoms again, is it?"

Justin shook his head, his eyes suddenly moist. "It's all different somehow."

"I know. Why?"

"I don't know, and … you lied to me just now. You never used to lie."

"I lied because I wanted it to be the truth."

"But if it's not the truth, it's still a lie."

"What the fuck are we doing, Justin? Do you want me to move out?" Brian asked feeling the tightness in his chest.

"No! God, no. I don't want you to go."

"Then something has to give. We're just going through the motions. I hate it."

"So do I."

"Do you think we should go talk to Dr. Jamison?" Brian asked as the thought occurred to him. Dr. Frank Jamison had helped them a long time ago when things had been rocky between them.

Justin shrugged. "I don't know," he said softly. "I know I'm being stupid not letting this go, but I don't seem to be able to."

"I really am sorry that I fucked things up. Trip never should have happened, but he did, so we have to go on from there."

"Then maybe we should call Frank tomorrow," Justin said. "We need to do something before it's too late." Justin rolled over facing away from Brian in their huge bed.

Brian stared at Justin's back and wondered if maybe it wasn't already too late.

-----

The next morning Brian and Justin showered separately and met at the kitchen table for coffee and a muffin. They took surreptitious glances at each other neither wanting to broach the topic of counseling.

Finally Justin had to settle what was going to happen. "Are you going to call Dr. Jamison or should I?"

Brian winced at the reminder of the trouble they were in. "I can call from the office."

"So can I?" Justin volunteered.

"Are we going to argue about this too?"

"We haven't been arguing," Justin insisted.

"Maybe that's part of the problem. We need to get this all out in the open. A good fight might do that."

"All you want is the makeup sex."

"True," Brian smirked.

Justin giggled. For a split second he remembered why he was still there. "I'll call when I get to work. Do we want an appointment as soon as possible?"

"That might be best," Brian said.

"Brian, I'm sorry, but I don't know what else to do."

"I'm the one who fucking screwed up. Don't be sorry. You feel what you feel."

"It's what I don't feel anymore that scares me." Justin walked quickly out of the kitchen. He needed to get to work, but more than that he needed to get away from Brian. He couldn't stand the look of pain in Brian's eyes, especially when he knew it was beyond his power to fix it.

-----

When Justin arrived home from work he found Brian already there playing chess with Gus.

"Gus, I didn't know you were coming over today."

"Hey, Justin. Mommy had a meeting that came up un … unex…"

"Unexpectedly," Brian supplied. "Lindsay asked me to pick up Gus from kindergarten. Can he stay for dinner, Jus, can he, huh, huh, huh?" Brian teased.

"Of course, he can," Justin said with a slight smile.

Brian had hoped for more of a reaction than that. "I guess I better rustle up something for us to eat," Justin said and disappeared into the kitchen.

"We can order pizza," Brian suggested.

"I have some chicken that I can make. It'll only take a half hour."

"If you're sure," Brian replied.

"I'm sure," Justin called out. "I'm fucking sure," he muttered to himself. He resented Brian sitting and playing with Gus while he did all the work. In fact, he resented just about everything that Brian did these days.

"Dr. Jamison will see us day after tomorrow at four pm," Justin said as he put the chicken in the frying pan to brown it.

"That's good," Brian said wishing Justin hadn't mentioned that in front of Gus.

"Are you sick, Dada?" Gus asked with a frown.

"No, no, it's just a checkup."

"A reality checkup," Justin muttered to himself as he made salad.

Dinner was very quiet. Gus sat and watched his father and Justin eat in silence. He tried to figure out what was wrong. Maybe it had something to do with this doctor's appointment. But his father had said it was just a checkup. He'd had those, and they weren't scary.

"Justin, are you mad at me?" Gus asked finally, unable to come up with any other reason for Justin being so quiet. "You didn't ask me about school."

"I'm sorry, Gus," Justin said with a sigh. "What did you do in school today?"

"I made a picture of you and Dada," Gus said proudly.

"Did you bring it home with you?" Justin asked half heartedly.

"It had to dry," Gus said munching on a carrot.

"But you'll show Justin when you bring it home, won't you, Gus?" Brian asked prompting his son to keep Justin talking.

"Yes," Gus said looking at Justin who was pushing salad around his plate. "If Justin wants to see it."

"Oh," Justin sighed. "Sure, Gus." He stood and picked up his plate. I think I'll go for a walk. I could use some fresh air." He looked pointedly at Brian.

"Can I come?" Gus asked. "I like walks."

"Not this time, Gus. Don't you have to take him home?"

"I guess so," Brian said taking his plate to the sink and returning for Gus'.

Justin turned and walked out the front door of the house.

"What's wrong with Justin?" Gus asked with a frown. "Is he sick?"

"Nothing's wrong, Gus. Let's get your bag and I'll take you home."

"I want to walk with Justin," Gus whined. "You come too, Dada."

"Justin wants to be alone, and it's time I took you to your mother." Brian scooped Gus up and grabbed his bag from beside the front door. He buckled Gus into the car and roared off towards Lindsay's. On the way down the street they passed Justin walking along the sidewalk.

"Justin," Gus called but Justin paid them no attention. "I want Justin," Gus whimpered.

"So do I, Sonny Boy, so do I."

-----

A couple of days later Brian and Justin walked into Frank Jamison's office. The receptionist, Grace, greeted them.

"Mr. Kinney, Mr. Taylor, nice to see you again."

"Thanks," Brian replied. Justin stayed silent, unusual for him.

"If you'll have a seat, the doctor is just finishing up with a patient. He will see you shortly."

Brian and Justin sat down.

"Are you okay with doing this?" Brian asked.

"I said I was," Justin replied curtly.

"What the fuck's got into you?"

Justin glared at Brian always amazed by Brian's insensitivity to some things.

Moments later the door to Dr. Jamison's office opened and a woman came out. Frank followed her and said goodbye. When she had exited the office he walked over to Brian and Justin who stood and shook his hand.

"It's nice to see you both again," the doctor began, "but I hope it's nothing serious." When neither man replied, Frank motioned for them to enter his office. He closed the door behind them and walked around his desk taking his customary seat there. "So, what can I do for you?"

Brian looked at Justin who looked at the floor. Brian cleared his throat but nothing seemed to want to come out.

"Looks like some things never change," Frank said with a chuckle. "Don't both of you speak at once."

"Um … doc," Brian said hesitantly. "I … I've done something that has upset Justin a great deal. I've apologized profusely but it doesn't seem to have made any difference. Can you help us?"

"Has Justin accepted your apology?" Frank remembered how difficult it was for Brian to apologize. This must be something big.

Brian looked at Justin who continued to stare at the floor. Finally Brian said, "He said he did, but nothing's the same as it was before."

"Do you agree with that, Justin?" Frank asked.

Justin nodded. "Nothing is the same."

"So maybe we better go back a step, and you can tell me what you did that you're apologizing for." Frank stared at Brian.

Brian blinked and looked at the floor. "I fucked a guy after we had agreed that we wouldn't do that."

"I see. Was this a random thing or was the man something special?"

Justin glanced at Brian waiting to hear how he would answer that. "It … it wasn't random, but he's nothing special," Brian said softly. He ventured a glance at Justin. Justin's blue eyes told him nothing.

"So are you telling me that you risked your relationship with Justin over someone who was not very special?" Frank asked.

Brian sighed. "This man … Trip Bedford, we'd been attracted to each other since we first met, but I made it clear that nothing would ever happen."

"Then why did it?" Frank probed when Brian seemed to hesitate.

"His father died and I went out to Indianapolis to be with him."

"And Justin didn't go?"

"No."

"Why didn't you go, Justin?"

"I had just started my first real job. I could hardly take the first week off. And Brian promised…" Justin's voice trailed off as he continued to study the floor near his feet.

"It was circumstance that threw you together with Trip?" Frank continued.

"I guess you could say that. He was in bad shape. He and his father were very close. They lived in the same house."

"And so it happened," Frank clarified. "For whatever reasons."

"Yeah," Brian agreed. "I'm not trying to make excuses."

"I didn't think you were. What happened when you returned from Indianapolis?"

"I was a coward. I didn't know how to tell Justin," Brian explained. He didn't want to sound like he was whining, but he was sure that's how it came out.

"You could have kept it a secret," Frank offered.

"Believe me, I considered that," Brian admitted.

"Why didn't you?"

"Justin and I … we … we have a committed relationship. We don't use condoms anymore … or we didn't until this happened."

"And you didn't want to put Justin at risk?"

"Of course not. But how could I explain why we had to go back to using condoms without telling him the truth."

"The truth is usually a good idea," Frank observed.

"Usually," Brian said with a grimace.

"How did Justin take the news?"

Brian looked at Justin. "I'm pretty sure he had already figured it out."

"Had you, Justin?"

Justin nodded. "I could tell something was wrong as soon as Brian walked in. It didn't take a rocket scientist to guess what it was."

"You made Brian tell you though?"

"I wanted to hear him say it," Justin said hoping that didn't sound too petulant. "I wanted him to explain."

"And did he?"

"Not completely. I knew he and Trip had always wanted to get together, Trip more than Brian. I thought I could trust Brian even when I knew I couldn't trust Trip."

"So Brian's explanation didn't satisfy you?"

Justin shook his head. "I was hurt. I couldn't believe that Brian had betrayed us. I'm still hurt."

"Is that why you can't forgive him?"

"I did forgive him," Justin said simply.

"Then what's the problem."

"I forgave him with words, but it's not so easy to forgive him in my heart and soul. I know he's sorry, but what he did changed everything between us."

"How so?" Frank asked.

Justin shook his head. "I'm not sure I can explain it."

"Please try."

Justin sighed. "It's like it's all been spoiled. I don't think we can ever get back to where we were before."

Brian winced at Justin's words. He opened his mouth to say something but Frank raised his hand indicating that he should stay silent.

"How has it been spoiled?" Frank pursued.

"We were so happy before Brian went to Indianapolis. We had moved into our new house. We have great neighbors. I graduated from PIFA and Brian threw me this amazing party, even invited my father. I had a new job that I was proud of."

"So everything was going well."

Justin nodded. "I felt like we had finally got it right."

"And then Brian told you what happened."

"He didn't have to. I knew as soon as he walked through the door and was too tired to kiss me … or fuck me. I knew something had happened between him and Trip."

"And yet you forgave him … after all the things he had ruined?" Frank asked puzzled as to why Justin had done that.

"It's not like I'm blameless in this relationship. I've done my share of bad things and Brian has forgiven me."

"Things like Trip Bedford?"

"Exactly like that. His name was Ethan Gold. And Brian took me back."

"You felt you had to forgive Brian like he had forgiven you."

"Yes. And I really wanted to forgive him. I thought I could."

"But deep down you didn't forgive him, did you, Justin?"

Justin shook his head and stared at the floor once again. He watched a teardrop fall between his feet.

"I guess the big question now is can you ever forgive Brian?"

Brian looked at Justin with his head hanging down to his knees. At that moment he doubted that he would ever be forgiven. And he didn't really blame Justin. He had fucked up big time.

"Do you think you will ever forgive Brian, Justin?" Frank asked.

"I … I want to," Justin said without looking up. "But I don't know if I can. I've been trying."

"Have you … really?" Frank asked.

"Yes, as far as I can do it … I have," Justin said uncertainly.

"Then why are you here, Justin?"

"I thought you could help us, like you did before."

"I can only help those who want my help. Do you want to fix this?"

"God yes," Justin sobbed finally let the tears go. His shoulders shook as he realized how close they were to losing it all.

"Justin," Brian's strangled voice gasped. "Please don't, Justin. I'm so sorry."

"I can't help it," Justin gulped.

And then Brian pulled Justin out of his chair and into his arms. Justin let it happen, allowed himself a few minutes to feel safe in the strong arms, let the tears he had been fighting for weeks fall.

After a bit Justin realized that he had stopped crying and yet he was shaking like he was still sobbing. He could feel Brian trembling against him. He raised his face from Brian's chest and saw the tears streaming down Brian's cheeks.

"Brian," he whispered. "Brian, please stop."

Justin had never seen Brian so broken, so wracked with guilt.

"I've ruined it all," Brian gasped. "I should move out and let you get on with your life."

"I have no life without you," Justin said in a very small voice. His hands clasped Brian's cheeks and he forced Brian to look into his eyes. "I don't want this to be over. I want to fix it."

"I do too," Brian admitted. "But it sounded like you had given up, that there was no hope of that."

"I just don't know. I don't know how to do it."

"That's what I'm here for," Frank said finally intervening with the two desolate men. "Can you sit down and we'll talk about this?"

Justin pulled back from Brian who wiped at his eyes not wanting Frank to see what a fucking weak little faggot he was. He had forgotten that Frank was even there.

"I think that's the most honest we've been with each other since I came back from Indianapolis," Brian said sitting down and wiping his face.

"That's a good start," Frank said softly. "Pussyfooting around something this important is a slow death. It's time it all came out in the open," Frank advised.

"Do you think there's any hope for us?" Justin asked. He felt Brian's hand reach for his and he let Brian's fingers link through his own. Then he risked a glance at Brian's beautiful face. He didn't know what he expected to see, but the smile that Brian had when Justin hadn't pulled his hand away was truly glorious. Justin realized that it was a long time since he had really let Brian touch him in any way, shape or form. He smiled back, not much but just enough to let Brian know that there was still a tiny bit of hope left in him.

"I think you just answered your own question, Justin."

"Maybe so," Justin agreed giving Brian's hand a slight squeeze.

"I think we should stop there for today, but I'm going to give you some homework."

"Homework?" Brian asked.

"I finally got out of school and you're giving me homework?" Justin asked with a little mischievous grin. It was not lost on Brian or Frank. They both took the attempt at humor as a good sign.

"It's not book larning," Frank drawled. "I want you each to think of two times in your relationship when you have been really happy. Don't tell each other what they are, but come next week prepared to discuss them with each other."

"Okay," Brian agreed. "You know, Frank, we didn't accomplish much today but I feel better already."

"That's what I like to hear. And if you feel better then we did accomplish a great deal. How do you feel, Justin?"

"Better … a bit."

"That's good too. Every little bit of progress helps. I'll see you in a couple of days. Check the time with Grace at the desk."

"Thanks Frank," Brian said as he headed for the door. He realized Justin's hand was still clasped in his, and he knew he never wanted to let it go.

A few minutes later they walked out of the door of Frank's building. Their hands were still joined together.

"Home?" Brian asked.

"I guess so."

"Do you remember the first appointment we ever had with Frank?" Brian asked as they walked to the car.

"Yeah," Justin said softly. "I was having those terrible nightmares that were ruining our relationship."

"He helped us then."

"Yes, he did."

"Maybe he can help us now."

"I fucking hope so," Justin breathed.

"Do you remember the rest of that day?"

"Vaguely," Justin said as Brian finally released his hand and he climbed into the car.

"We picked up takeout on the way home. Want to get some Thai?"

"Sure," Justin said. "Should I call in the order and we can stop on the way by." Brian nodded and Justin pulled out his cell and placed the order.

Eventually they walked into their home carrying the bag of takeout. Justin set it out on the counter in the kitchen and Brian got plates and started dishing it up.

"Want a beer?" Justin asked.

"Several," Brian replied as he took the beer and then handed Justin a plate of food.

"The first time we saw Frank we were both disheartened. I remember feeling so much worse than when we went in there. I wonder why I feel better this time." Justin sat down at the kitchen table and took a bite of the food.

"Maybe it's because we know that Frank helped us before. I want him to work his magic again."

"There was no magic," Justin said with a funny grin. "He made me face things I didn't want to face."

"I'm not sure it'll be that easy this time," Brian said shaking his head. "I am such a fucking asshole. All those years that everyone told me that and I would just smirk. But it's actually true."

"Yeah, but you've always been an asshole with a big heart," Justin said trying to comfort Brian.

"Do you think we can get past this?"

Justin shrugged. "Do you?"

"I fucking hope so!"

Justin chuckled. "Me too."

"Have you thought of your two times in our relationship that you were truly happy?" Brian asked.

"I have something in mind. What about you?"

"I can think of once or twice."

"You can?" Justin asked with a little grin.

"I can," Brian grinned back.

"That first night after we went to see Frank, I remember neither one of us wanted to talk. I hated that silence."

"It was pretty grating," Brian admitted. "But I seem to remember that we eventually got past it."

"Yeah, we did," Justin smiled. "This is more than we've talked since…"

"I know. I guess that's part of Frank's strategy to help us. He gave us that homework to make us think and maybe to force us to realize what we would be losing if we don't fix this."

"You're right, and I … don't want to lose what we had. I have been so afraid that we already had lost it though."

"Another beer?" Brian asked standing up and moving to the fridge.

"Sure," Justin replied. "Get me drunk and have your way with me."

"I don't want my way with you if you don't want it too."

Justin glanced at Brian knowing that lately they had not shared the connection they usually did during sex. He shook his head.

"Hoover," Brian said suddenly setting a beer in front of Justin.

Justin giggled. "That's what you called me that night because I kissed you and sucked so hard you thought I was stronger than any vacuum."

"You have the best mouth," Brian said running his thumb along Justin's lower lip.

Justin sucked the thumb into his mouth and Brian let out a small moan.

"I love you," Brian whispered.

"That's what you said that night that spurred the Hoover assault," Justin remembered.

"I know I don't say it enough, but I do love you."

"I know. We've come so far. We need to fix this."

"Let's start with a kiss," Brian said.

Brian pulled Justin into his arms. His lips molded onto Justin's and he used every technique he had ever found effective to kiss Justin's socks off. When he finally released his lover, Justin let out a gasp followed by a small moan.

"That was the best kiss I've ever had. Are you trying to get this into my top two happiest moments?"

"There's a thought," Brian smirked. That hadn't been his plan at all, but it wasn't a bad one nonetheless.

"Let me see if I can top that," Justin said.

"Hey, that's one of my favorite games," Brian laughed before Justin sucked his top lip into his mouth. The kiss went on and on with tongue and spit swapping and general titillation. By the time Justin was through, they were both rock hard.

"Bed?" Brian asked.

Justin nodded. For the first time in ages he was actually looking forward to making love with Brian.

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