Domestic Bliss

Work and Play and Repentance

Brian looked out the window of the jet as it taxied towards the terminal. Justin would probably be waiting for him. He wondered if he would be able to face his partner, be able to look him in the eye. He shuddered. His whole life could be over in a matter of minutes.

He thought back to his stupid night with Trip. Somehow he had known where it was going to lead. If he was really honest with himself, he had known. And he had let it happen. That made it all the worse. It made it that much harder to explain to Justin.

"Justin," he whispered barely audible. It was almost like a prayer although Brian would never have thought about it like that.

With a jolt the plane came to a stop and the seatbelt sign went off. Brian stood and stretched. Being in first class meant he would be one of the first off the plane. It would also mean that it would be that much sooner that he had to face those trusting blue eyes.

"Sir, you can exit now," the flight attendant said causing Brian to return to the real world.

He grabbed his computer bag and headed out the door. He walked the length of the jetway taking his time and allowing people to pass. When he came to the doorway, he half expected Justin to be standing there waiting for him. Then he remembered that only passengers could get beyond the security check point. He had the long walk to that area before he had to face Justin.

About halfway down the concourse Brian stopped and looked around. There was an empty gate nearby. He walked over and sat wearily down in one of the seats. He had to figure out what to say. He knew he was going to tell Justin. There had never been any question of that. But how did he tell him? He certainly didn't want to do it here in the bloody airport. He wondered if he could pretend everything was fine until they got home. Maybe in the privacy of their home he could figure out what to say and how to say it. There had to be some way that he could explain that would not cost him the most important person in his life.

It took all the strength he had, for Brian to stand and begin the remainder of the walk down the concourse. He felt like he had the weight of the world on his shoulders and it was fucking heavy.

He passed out of the secure area and looked around. He didn't see Justin anywhere and he almost breathed a sigh of relief when he felt a gentle tap on the shoulder. He turned and looked at the sunshine smile that he loved so much. He felt his heart wrench in his chest. It felt like a fucking heart attack. He must have grimaced because the smile faded and a worried look clouded the blue eyes.

"Did I scare you?" Justin asked. "Are you all right?"

"Just took me by surprise," Brian said. "I didn't think you were here."

"I'll always be here … for you," Justin smiled relieved at Brian's explanation.

Brian silently willed those words to be true especially after Justin learned what he had done. "Let's go get my luggage," Brian said. He walked slightly ahead of Justin as they headed to the luggage carousel.

Justin watched Brian. He knew something was wrong. He just hoped it wasn't what he thought it might be. But Brian hadn't touched him, not even on his arm or a touch of the hand. That didn't bode well.

Brian's luggage appeared quickly and they walked towards the car. Justin lifted the suitcase into the back of the Jeep and climbed into the driver's seat. Brian opened the passenger door and then seemed to hesitate.

"Did you want to drive?" Justin asked. "I don't mind."

"No, no, you drive."

Justin pulled out of the parking garage and paid the toll. Once he was on the highway he glanced at Brian who stared straight ahead seemingly looking at scenery he had never seen before.

"Is something wrong?" Justin asked.

"No, why?"

"You seem very quiet. You haven't even said you missed me."

Justin saw Brian blink hard and take in a deep breath. He had a very bad feeling deep in his gut.

"I … I did miss you … a lot," Brian said slowly.

"That's good, but you might show a little more enthusiasm."

"I'm sorry," Brian said. And he did truly look sorry, almost forlorn. "What did you do while I was gone?" Brian asked deciding he better say something before Justin got into inquisition mode.

"Besides having phone sex with you, you mean?"

"Yeah, besides that."

"I went to work every day."

"Right," Brian replied. He had totally forgotten about Justin's new job. "How was it … work I mean?"

"Great! I love it there."

"So how did you get off at two in the afternoon to pick me up?"

"I've been going in early and working late all week. They have flexible hours as long as you get your work done."

"That's … convenient."

"Yeah, it is. You might try something like that at Vangard. I bet the people who work there would really appreciate the flexibility."

"Yeah."

Justin half expected Brian to make some sexual innuendo out of the flexibility remark. When all he got was a "yeah", he knew that something was definitely going on, and he was afraid he knew what it was.

Finally they pulled into the driveway and Brian looked at the house he had come to love. He didn't move.

"Are you coming in? We're home."

"Home," Brian said. "Um … do you have to go back to work?"

"Nope. Got the rest of the day to spend with you," Justin beamed pulling Brian's suitcase from the back of the Jeep.

"I'll take that," Brian said. He didn't want Justin fucking waiting on him.

"So what do you want to do?" Justin asked suggestively.

"Actually I'm kind of hungry. I couldn't abide that crap they were serving on the flight."

"Do you want to order in?" Justin asked with a frown. He had expected Brian to be all over him, especially since he hadn't even kissed him at the airport.

"You know what I'd like? Some of your famous pasta."

"Famous pasta? When did my pasta become famous?"

"Since I've been thinking about it all the way home."

"Oh, um, sure, I can make you some."

"I'll go and unpack while you do that."

Justin watched Brian pick up his suitcase and walk towards the stairs. Now he knew that his worst fears were true. This wasn't like Brian at all. He was avoiding the issue, avoiding touching, avoiding sex. That could only mean one thing.

As he waited for the pasta to boil Justin thought over his options. He was pretty sure he knew what had happened in Indianapolis. Now he had to decide what he was going to do about it. One thing he was not going to do was confront Brian. Brian had to bring this up himself. But he wasn't going to let him run away from it either. It would be a fine balancing act for him to pull this off.

The other part of the equation was what was he going to do once Brian told him. Somewhere deep inside he hoped it wasn't true, but he knew realistically that it was. What was he going to say when Brian told him? He wished he knew.

Justin looked in the pot and realized he'd left the pasta there for too long. Brian liked it al dente. Well, fuck al dente. Brian would get what he made and he better fucking like it. Justin quickly drained the pasta and tossed it with the vegetables that he had stir fried. He added a small amount of sauce, just the way Brian liked it. Fuck Brian!

"It's ready!" he yelled up the stairs hoping it didn't sound too strident.

"Smells good," Brian said coming into the kitchen in his black jeans and T-shirt. He looked good enough to eat, but all Justin wanted to do was punch him in the gut.

Justin slopped some pasta on a plate and thrust it at Brian. Brian gave him a funny look but didn't say anything. He carried it to the small table in the kitchen and sat down. Justin stood by the stove staring at his partner.

"Aren't you having some?" Brian asked.

Justin knew Brian wasn't ready to spill his guts yet. He could wait. He scooped up some pasta for himself and sat down across from Brian. They both pushed the pasta around on their plates and nibbled at a piece of penne every now and then.

"For someone who wanted my pasta so bad you don't seem to be enjoying it," Justin said after a bit.

"It's good," Brian replied. He didn't know what else to say. Except that he did know what he should say, but he simply didn't know how to say it. "I'm really tired," Brian said standing and carrying his plate to the sink. He dumped the pasta in the trash and put his plate in the dishwasher. "I'm going to lie down for a bit."

"Sure," Justin said refusing to look at his partner.

Brian shrugged and headed back upstairs. He needed some time alone so that he could figure out how to handle what inevitably was to come.

Justin watched him go and knew that Brian was still not ready to talk. He'd give him a couple of hours and then they would confront it. In the meantime he could figure out his own position.

Brian tossed and turned in his sleep. A guilty conscience did not make for peaceful sleep. Suddenly he felt lips brush his cheek and then his neck. He felt a hand rub his chest and he leaned into it.

"Justin," he breathed.

"I'm here."

"I'm sorry."

"I know."

"Can you ever forgive me?"

"I'm thinking about it."

"Does that mean you will?"

"Brian."

"Yes."

"Wake up, Brian."

"Um … what?" Brian asked rubbing his eyes. Justin was lying beside him on the bed. "How long was I asleep?"

"Almost four hours."

"Shit!"

"I think you need to tell me what's going on," Justin said deciding to take the bull by the horns so to speak.

"What do you mean?" Brian asked with a frown and wide eyes.

"Don't."

"Don't what?"

Justin let out an exasperated breath. "Don't play coy."

"I may be a lot of things, but coy isn't one of them." Brian could feel his temper rising. He didn't like being cornered and Justin fucking knew that.

"Yeah, you're a lot of things all right," Justin said sarcastically.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Whatever you want it to mean."

"Now who's playing coy?"

"Fuck me, Brian."

"Where the fuck did that come from?"

"You always want to fuck me, don't you? And I always want to be fucked."

Brian snorted derisively.

"Come one, Brian," Justin goaded him. He threw his body across Brian's and began rutting against him. He could feel Brian's cock grow hard. "See, I knew you wanted me." Justin's hand reached for Brian's hard-on.

"I always want you," Brian groaned, "but not now."

"Why not? Why not, Brian? Come on, tell me."

"Justin."

"That's my name. Talk to me."

"Not now," Brian said as forcefully as he could without actually shouting.

"Then fuck me."

"Stop."

"I'm not going anywhere until you talk to me."

"And when I'm finished talking to you, then you will." The statement was made matter of factly and it hung in the air for a minute, like a lead weight suspended over their heads.

"Don't make assumptions."

Brian grimaced and shook his head. He knew what was going to happen. And he dreaded it.

"Brian, please," Justin said softly.

"You'll be sorry. I'll be sorry."

"This from the man who doesn't believe in sorry."

"I am sorry."

"About what?"

"I think you know."

"You're not getting off that easy. Say it."

"I don't know if I can."

"You can."

"All right. All right. I fucked Trip."

"I knew it," Justin said staring at Brian and feeling the anger build in his chest. "I fucking knew it."

"I'm sorry."

"I heard you before. Is that supposed to make it all right?"

"I didn't mean to," Brian said pathetically.

Justin snorted. "You are an asshole."

"I know," Brian said forlornly.

"Why?"

"Why what?" Brian asked with a frown.

"Why the fuck did you do it?"

"I wish to Christ I knew."

"Oh, you know, and I want to hear you say it."

"What do you mean?"

"I want to hear your version of why you did it."

"My version?"

"That's right. Your version. I want to know why you think this happened."

Brian stared at his partner like he had two heads. "Fuck, Justin, do we have to do this?"

"Yes," Justin said leaving no room for negotiation.

Brian let out a long sigh knowing he wasn't going to get out of this easily, at least not if he wanted to keep Justin around. "You know we've always been attracted to each other."

"I know that every man, woman and child is attracted to you, and I know that you have a dick with a mind of its own. But I also know that you have a brain and a will of your own. Why didn't you use those?"

"Because I'm pathetic."

"That's a given."

Brian raised his eyebrows but got no hint of sympathy from Justin. "Because he wanted me so much and he was so sad."

"A mercy fuck?"

"No, no, I didn't mean it like that."

"I thought not."

"Although there was an element of that to it."

"I bet."

"Because I had had too much to drink," Brian added.

"We're getting closer," Justin said with a nod of his head.

"And I wanted him."

"And the truth wins out."

"You've known I wanted him for a long time."

"And you never acted on it," Justin reminded him.

"But Trip was so vulnerable, so needy, so relentless."

"That's quite a combination of traits. Do I take it that you just couldn't resist him after all this time?"

"That's partly true. I decided, and I guess that is the truth, that I needed to know what it would be like."

Justin stared into the hazel eyes. "And now you know."

"Now I know," Brian sighed.

"So how was he?"

"Isn't that my line?"

"Not in this case, asshole."

Brian could feel the anger and disappoint bubbling just beneath the surface. He decided he better not try to be a smart ass. "It wasn't half as good as I thought it would be," Brian said honestly. "And I regretted it as soon as it was over."

"Did you now? Mr. no apologies, no regrets."

"You haven't heard me say that for a long time."

"Does that mean that you have regrets and you do apologies?"

"Isn't that what the fuck I'm doing right now?"

"Yeah, I guess it is," Justin admitted. "So Trip wasn't so great. Why?"

"Justin, I don't want to do this."

"Fine, then I'm out of here." Justin slid to the edge of the bed and stood up.

"Wait, don't go, please."

Justin turned and looked at Brian. He sat back down on the bed. "Then answer my question."

Brian made a face that showed how distasteful he found this whole endeavor, but then he said, "He's a total bottom."

Justin laughed, a funny sound somewhere between a snort and a chuckle and a groan. "I thought you liked bottoms."

"Only yours," Brian said softly and Justin knew he meant that.

"So what's the difference between his bottom and mine?"

Brian chuckled. "Let's see. Your bottom is world class and his isn't. Your bottom is flawless and his isn't. You're much more than just a bottom. You're a demanding and creative little shit. You're a consummate top when you want to be. You're my equal and sometimes my better."

Justin felt a tear well up and he swallowed hard trying to keep it at bay. "Seriously?" he whispered.

"Seriously."

Justin leaned in and kissed Brian gently. "Thank you … for that."

"You're welcome. I … I know I still don't tell you often enough how important you are to me, how much you mean to me."

"But when you do say it I know you really mean it," Justin said in a barely audible voice.

"You're so important to me. I can't bear the thought of losing you. That's why I had so much trouble telling you what I had done." Brian hesitated and when Justin didn't say anything he asked, "Why are you still here? Why haven't you walked out on me?"

"My walking out days are long gone. I'm in this for the long haul."

"No shit!" Brian said with a smile. His relief was evident.

"But I didn't say that I had forgiven you just yet," Justin reminded him.

Brian's smile disappeared and he drew in a breath. They obviously weren't done. "So what happens now?"

"What do you want to happen?"

"I want you to stay and not leave me."

"I think I just said I would."

"But you're going to make me pay, aren't you?" Brian asked.

"Oh yeah!"

Brian groaned. "Are you sure you want to stay with me?" Brian felt compelled to ask. "I wouldn't blame you if you left, even though I don't want you too."

"You're not the only one who makes mistakes, you know."

"Like Ian?"

"Yes, like Ian," Justin said with a laugh. They didn't need to use Ethan's correct name anymore. "You took me back."

"I know, but you were worth it." Brian smiled.

"You think so?"

"I know so."

"Truthfully, Brian, are you sorry about what happened with Trip?"

"Yes. It should never have happened. I was stupid. But now that it's out of my system, we'll never have to worry about it again."

"Is that a guarantee?"

"Absolutely. You know my one time only policy."

Justin swatted Brian's chest as the phone rang. "Should I get that? It might actually be my office with some kind of problem," Justin said hesitating. They still had a lot to work out.

"Your office," Brian chuckled. "All grown up." He nodded towards the phone indicating that Justin should pick it up.

"Hello?"

"Brian, is that you? Brian?"

Justin let out a long sigh. "No, Trip, it's not Brian."

"Oh, Justin, could I speak to Brian?"

"Just a minute," Justin said using all his willpower to stop himself going off on Trip. He handed the phone to Brian.

"What is it?" Brian asked abruptly.

"You left without saying goodbye," Trip said in a sultry voice.

"I did that for a reason."

"Why? What reason?"

"Because it was a mistake, Trip. And it will never happen again!"

"It could. I'll be right here if you want me."

"I'll never want you. In fact, I'm not so sure I wanted you the last time."

"What? How can you be so cruel?"

"I'm a mean, selfish asshole. Just ask anybody," Brian said. He pushed 'end' and tossed the phone down onto the bed.

"So that's it?" Justin asked.

"Didn't I make myself clear?"

"Very. But I was waiting for you to tell him to go fuck himself in one of his chairs," Justin said with a chuckle.

"I'd never say anything so crass."

Justin's eyes opened wide. "Of course," Justin snorted. "It was all I could do not to tell him that I wished one of his chairs would collapse around him and he would die a long slow death trapped inside it."

"You have such inventive murder scenarios," Brian said tongue in cheek.

"I'm very inventive," Justin said capturing Brian's lips.

"We can't," Brian said pushing him away.

"What do you mean?"

"I have to get tested."

"Fuck, you didn't bareback with Trip, did you?"

"Fuck no! I'm not an idiot. But I'm not taking any chances with your health."

Justin smiled slightly at Brian's worries. "We could use a condom," Justin said.

"Do we still have some?"

"Right here," Justin said pulling a box from the nightstand.

"It's been so long."

"I know, but you're right. We should be safe."

"I'll get tested tomorrow."

"Good, but I want you to make love to me now."

"And I want that too. I'm sorry I screwed up."

"I'm sorry you screwed up too," Justin said with a wry smile.

"Are we all right?" Brian asked.

"I … think so. Don't get me wrong though. What you did … hurts."

Brian nodded. "I'll do my best never to let it happen again."

"But it could. And it could be me that does it."

Brian raised an eyebrow. "You?"

"I'm not perfect as you can attest to by what happened with Ian." Justin used the wrong name deliberately.

Brian snorted. "We're such losers."

"No, no, we're not. You told me what happened. If we're honest with each other we can get through anything. Any screw up!"

"You think so?"

"I know so."

"Have faith in us, Brian."

"I have faith in you," Brian said smoothing his fingers along Justin's cheek.

"That's good, but I'm just a man and I'll make my share of mistakes too."

"You are a man, a wonderful man."

"On that cheery note, are you going to fuck me, Mr. Kinney?"

"Are you sure?"

"Absolutely."

Brian pulled Justin tight against him and the kiss went on and on. After a bit the kiss ended and Brian leaned his forehead against Justin's. "I love you."

"I know," Justin replied as he began unbuttoning Brian's jeans.

Soon they were naked and hard and ready. Brian sheathed his cock wondering what it would feel like to be inside his lover with the condom between them. And it did feel different. Nothing was quite as sensitive, as barebacking, but it was good nonetheless.

When they both climaxed, Brian leaned against Justin's back and said a silent prayer to whatever deity or life force or spirit that was responsible for giving him this wonderful man.

Brian pulled out gently and got rid of the condom. He handed Justin a tissue and the blond cleaned himself up.

"That was different," Brian said softly.

"Yeah, just like the bad old days."

"Were they bad?" Brian frowned.

"They had their moments."

"I wish I wasn't so fucked up," Brian said.

"We're all fucked up in one way or another."

"Have you forgiven me?" Brian asked.

"Didn't I just prove that I have? Work with me here!" Justin chuckled.

"Thank you."

"You're welcome and you can prove it to me again in a few minutes."

Brian smirked. "I can't believe you took this so well."

"I was fucking angry at you, and hurt, and worried. I honestly didn't know what I was going to do."

"So why didn't I see any of that?" Brian asked genuinely wanting to know.

"First of all, because you didn't try to push me away. Usually that's your first reaction. You think I'm going to leave so you push me out the door before I can do that."

Brian snorted. "I didn't realize I was so predictable." If he didn't love Justin so much, that would have been exactly what he would have done.

"I've got years of experience from the Kinney operating manual."

"I'm lucky that you do."

"Oh yeah! Fucking lucky!"

"You're still angry, aren't you?" Brian frowned.

"There's some anger there. I want to be enough for you, Brian. I want to be the only one. Even if I know realistically that that's not always going to be the case, it doesn't mean that I want it any less."

"I … I wish I could explain my feelings so rationally."

"You could."

Brian shook his head. "I don't think so."

"You don't have to be afraid. I can stand almost anything."

"I don't want to be trapped in Trip's chair when you collapse it around me and leave me to die," Brian tried to joke.

"I'd come back after a day or two, and rescue you."

"Promise?"

"Promise! I'll always be there to rescue you."

"That's the best thing you could ever say to me."

The kiss was long and sensuous and sexual. It was the perfect prelude to the next round of lovemaking.

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