Confessions

Lindsay stood outside Brian's door. It was late at night and she had told Melanie that she was going out to get some milk for Gus. She had thought about calling to see if Brian was home and alone, but instead she had concluded that fate should decide this for her. If he was there, she would tell him. If he wasn't, she would take that as a sign that he wasn't meant to know.

She had raised her hand to knock three times, and each time she had chickened out. How many times had she wanted to tell Brian? She had always backed out at the last moment. But not this time!

She knocked on the door and waited. She realized she was holding her breath and praying he wouldn't be there. Suddenly the door was pulled back and there he stood. Hazel eyes looked questioningly at her.

"Are you alone?" she asked.

"No, the Steelers are naked in the bedroom. Why?"

"I'll go," she said, wanting to get away.

"I'm kidding. Come in."

Brian took her arm and gently pulled her into the loft. He closed the door behind them, and she was trapped. It was now or never.

"So what are you doing here this time of night?" Brian asked puzzled that she would appear alone so late at night.

"I … I have something I want to tell you," Lindsay began.

"So talk."

"I'm not sure how to begin," Lindsay stammered.

"At the beginning?" Brian asked sarcastically arching his eyebrows.

Lindsay sighed. "Okay. Here goes. You know I want another baby?"

"Yes. I told you I'd do it … again," Brian said. "So?"

"Brian, do you love me?" she blurted out.

"Of course."

"I mean … really love me?"

"What the fuck are you talking about, Lindsay?"

"When we were in university, I really thought I loved you."

"I know. We almost made a big mistake."

"I didn't think it was a mistake at the time," Lindsay confessed.

"Why are you taking this little trip down memory lane?"

"Could I have a drink?" Lindsay asked, prolonging the moment of truth.

"Water, tea, coffee?"

"Bourbon," she demanded.

"What is with you tonight?" Brian asked, pouring them each a double Beam.

Lindsay took a big gulp of the amber liquid. Brian watched her screw up her face and gasp as the liquor hit her stomach. She coughed and looked into Brian's eyes. She stared at him.

Brian waited, then he said, "What's going on, Lindsay?"

"Liquor," she said ambiguously looking into the near empty glass. "Maybe I should have a joint too. Got one?"

"What is this all about?"

"Remember second year at Penn State? We drank too much and smoked too much weed."

"Speak for yourself!" Brian cautioned.

"I am, but you did it too. Remember that night in November, when we crashed the frat party?"

"I remember. Why?"

"You fucked me."

"Yeah."

"We were very drunk … and wasted."

"So? I still got it up!"

"Yes you did … without a condom."

"Fuck, Lindsay! What are you doing?"

"I'm trying to tell you that I was in love with you … and …and … I got … pregnant that night."

"What?"

"You heard me."

"But you never said anything." Brian grimaced looking away from the beautiful blond who stared at him.

"I tried to tell you when we came back after the holidays."

"I…I…Shit, Lindsay!" Brian ran his hand through his hair and paced back and forth in front of her.

"That was when you told me you had met a man over the holidays."

"Yeah. The great love of my life. It lasted three fucking weeks!" Brian shook his head.

"But at that point you made it clear you wanted him … not me."

"I guess I did," Brian admitted.

"So I had an abortion."

"Jesus, Lindsay!"

"I wanted to tell you, but I couldn't. You were so happy about your new beau. I was so miserable."

"Why are you telling me this now?"

"I need to know something."

"What?"

"If I had told you back then, would you have married me?"

"How do I know?"

"Brian, I want an answer. It's very important to me."

Brian was silent for what seemed like an eternity. Lindsay could see the wheels turning.

"Yes … I would have married you."

Lindsay sighed. "I would have married you too. I wanted that baby, but I couldn't do it by myself."

Brian saw a tear slide down her cheek. He stepped closer and wrapped his arms around her.

"You should have told me," Brian whispered against her neck.

"I couldn't," she sobbed.

"I never knew."

"Nobody did."

"You did it all by yourself?"

Brian felt her nod her head.

"You must have been so scared."

"I was, but I had to do it."

"I would have married you, but we would have been miserable, like my parents."

"I know. I love Melanie now, and I want another baby."

"To make up for that one?"

"Nothing can ever make up for that."

"I'm sorry, Lindz."

"I know. I am too. Will you still be the father of this baby?''

"Yes," Brian said softly.

"That's good."

"I do love you … always have, always will."

Lindsay wiped away her tears. "I needed to hear you say that. I love you too. We'll have another beautiful baby," she declared.

"Absolutely!"

"A little girl."

"If that's what you want."

She smiled at him. He did love her, and he would have changed his life for her. That was what she needed to know. The hole in her heart was a little smaller now, and Brian's daughter would fill that last empty space.

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