Desert Comunication

The maitre d' ushered Brian and Justin into a cozy booth in the hotel's main restaurant. 


They had spent part of the afternoon at the pool, swimming, laughing, and goofing around.  Once Justin had regained his equilibrium from the bad dream he had experienced, he wanted to forget it ever happened.  Brian did his best to entertain him and keep his mind off it.


Brian ordered a bottle of wine and they toasted their desert adventure.  Each placed their order, Brian opting for steak and salad and Justin choosing a chicken breast stuffed with spinach and cheese.


While they waited for their meals, Brian decided it was time to start talking.  He knew Justin was waiting for him to prove that he really meant he would talk this time.  He had to show him that he was willing.  He sucked in a deep breath.


"Justin," Brian said reaching across the table for Justin's hand.  Justin allowed him to take it and looked into Brian's eyes willing the man to carry through on what he had promised at the airport.  "I want to say again that I'm sorry for making you think that I wanted to get you out of my life.  That was never my intention."

"Why don't you tell me what your intentions were?" Justin responded, his gaze never wavering from Brian's eyes.  Brian blinked and had to look away.


This was the moment of truth.  "I want you to wear the ring," Brian stated and then glanced up at Justin.


"I know that now.  You told me in the airport.  I want to know why you couldn't just ask me," Justin said softly.


"I told you."  Brian sighed.  "I thought you might refuse … and I didn't think I could stand that."

"I could still refuse," Justin said staring at Brian.


Brian sucked in a breath.  That wasn't what he wanted to hear.  "I … hope not," Brian managed to get out.


"Brian, can't you just be up front about what you want and … what you feel?"


"You know I've never been able to handle feelings very well," Brian admitted.  "I've always pretended … no, believed that they didn't even exist, that they didn't matter, that they were merely words used to seduce … and hurt."

Justin looked at Brian's eyes recognizing the hurt and fear that he saw there.  He had no doubt that Brian was telling the truth, but that still didn't make it any less painful for him when Brian acted on those beliefs.  Justin sighed.  "I understand all of that but …" Justin stopped not knowing how to explain what he wanted to say without hurting Brian more.


"But what?"


"I wasn't brought up the way you were," Justin began.


"No shit!"


"Don't be sarcastic, please?" Justin asked.  Brian looked sorry.  "I'm trying to explain what happened to me when you asked me to leave.  My emotions are a lot closer to the surface than yours."

"I've noticed that.  Those allergies of yours keep popping up," Brian said softly and earned a little smile from Justin.


"I'm used to having my parents tell me that they love Molly and me, telling each other that they loved one another, showing affection."

"Even though some of it turned out to be bullshit?" Brian asked and immediately regretted his hasty words.


"Even though my father is an asshole, I don't doubt that he did love me … and may love me again," Justin said hopefully.  "I don't doubt that my mother and Molly do love me."

"I'm happy for you, Justin, although all of that is a foreign concept to me."


"My point exactly.  I'm used to hearing those words and … and you refuse to hardly ever say them.  Most of the time you seem to have to force them out when you do manage to utter them."


"You've always known how hard that is for me," Brian said.


"I do, and I usually make allowances, but sometimes when I ask you to tell me something and you can see how upset I am, I really need you to be truthful and tell me what I want to know even if it makes you uncomfortable or afraid, even if it's about your feelings."  Justin looked at Brian who was frowning.  "Do you understand?"

"You're saying that no matter how … scared or upset I am, I have to be honest with you?"

"Right?  At those times you have to put me first."

"Put you first?"

"That's what I said.  I know it's a lot to ask, but that was what I needed you to do in the loft when you asked me for that time alone.  I thought of all the horrible reasons you might want me out of the loft and not one of them had anything to do with the truth, but … but you refused to put me first and tell me that truth.  You were consumed only with yourself … and your own fears."


"You're right, I was.  I had been wondering if I was being selfish wanting to press you about the rings, and now you're telling me that I was exactly that."

Justin nodded.  "I know it would have been hard but, Brian, we're having that exact same conversation now.  We could have had it at the loft instead of here in Phoenix … without all the drama."


"And who's the drama queen?" Brian asked with a touch of sarcasm in his voice.  He couldn't help himself.


"I'm the drama princess, you're the queen."

Brian snorted.  "It seems to me that you were the one who ran out this time."  He wasn't going to take all the blame.


"You're right, but how many times did I ask you for an explanation, and I mean a real explanation, not that crap about needing space."

"But I did need space," Brian defended himself.


"And that was more important than the … agony you put me through?" Justin asked with a grimace.  Brian didn't seem to be getting it.  "Couldn't you see how upset I was?"

"I knew you were upset, but I needed to think … to get it together."

"So it's all right to let me fall apart in front of you while you're getting yourself together?" Justin asked the bitterness clear in his voice.


Brian looked taken aback.  He thought for a moment before he said quietly, "So that's when I should have put you first … above my own … feelings, when I saw how hurt you were?"


Justin forced a little smile.  Maybe Brian would get it.  "That's right."

"But thinking of someone else doesn't come automatically to me, you know."

"I know … only too well."

Brian grimaced.  If anyone knew that it was Justin.  "How will I know when I have to do this?" Brian asked truly looking for an explanation.


Justin sighed.  "You don't have to do it at all … if it's too much of a fucking imposition for you."

"That's not what I meant," Brian said quickly.  "I really want to know what signals to watch for."


"You're kidding, right?"

"No," Brian replied confused at Justin's reaction.


"Jesus, Brian!  Look at me for fuck's sake!  If I'm crying and begging and screaming at you and walking out the fucking door, telling you that I'm not fucking coming back, don't you think it might be time to act?"


"Fuck!" Justin said standing up.  "I'm leaving."

"Don't … please," Brian said standing also and drawing distasteful looks from the other people in the restaurant.  "Please sit down.  I see what you mean and I shouldn't have said … maybe.  I was being…"


"A smartass?"



"Do you see what just happened, Brian?  You made me mad enough to leave, but when you saw the result of your words you did something about it.  That's all I'm asking you to do.  Watch for the signs when you have pushed me too far and then fucking do something about it."



"Just okay?"


"What more do you want me to say?  You know that I wouldn't have agreed to this, if I didn't plan to do it."

"Of course," Justin said ruefully.


"You don't believe me, do you?"


"I believe that you mean it … at this moment…"


Brian was sure Justin had been going to add something to that statement and had stopped for some reason.  "What else were you going to say?"


"That … that you may think you will do it, but when the occasion arises you may not."

"Oh, ye of little faith."

"And much experience."

Brian grimaced.  He knew Justin was right.  "All I can do is say that I'll try."


"I understand that, but I'm holding you to the really trying part."


"I've always been really trying," Brian said with a grin.


"Tell me about it," Justin said grinning back.


"Just ask anybody."

"Speaking of anybody, how did you find out that I was at Daphne's?"

Just then their dinners arrived.  That was a good excuse for Brian not to answer that question and to get a much needed breather from all the intensity of their conversation.  Justin seemed willing to let it go as he dug into his chicken pronouncing it delicious. 


Brian picked at his steak and salad.  Nothing had really been settled and he was drained.  Conversations like the one they had just had were one of the things he hated about relationships.  It always seemed to come down to him having to change and he hated change.  He liked the way his life was most of the time, especially since Justin had come into it.  But along with Justin had come said change.  When Brian thought back on all the changes he had made since that night he had found Justin under the lamppost, it was hard to believe that he was the same person at all.  He took another small piece of his steak as Justin finished up his chicken.


"That was delicious," Justin said.  "I'm glad Dale told us to come here."



"What's the matter?  You've hardly eaten anything."

"Not very hungry."

"Are you upset about what I've asked you to do?" Justin questioned, a look of concern on his face.


"You were very clear and concise and extremely civil," Brian said dryly.


"Fuck you," Justin said between clenched teeth.  "I thought I had gotten through to you."


"You did.  Don't get your knickers in a knot."


Justin relaxed a bit.  He knew Brian always had a sarcastic and caustic view of the world, and he hadn't asked him to change that.  He was sure the man wouldn't be able to change that even if he wanted to.  Maybe he wasn't able to change what Justin had asked for either.  Justin unconsciously made a face as that thought crossed his mind.


"You never answered my question," Justin stated as he looked over the dessert menu that the waiter had left with them when he cleared their plates.


"Which question?"


"About how you knew I was at Daphne's."


"Didn't I?"


"Brian, don't beat around the bush.  Tell me.  I want to know."


The waiter returned and Justin ordered an apple tart with crème fraiche and Brian asked for coffee.


"Well?" Justin sat with his arms folded on his chest waiting for Brian's answer.


Brian knew this was the first test of what he had promised only a few minutes ago.  "I thought you would go to your mother's or Deb's since that's what I had told you to do.  So … I went looking for you at both those places."


"You went after me?" Justin asked surprised.


"I came to the airport, didn't I?"


"I thought you had called Daphne and somehow convinced her to tell you where I was."

"It should be so easy."

"So what did you have to do?" Justin asked savoring the fact that Brian had had to hunt for him, and had actually done that.


"I went to Deb's first, and as soon as I walked in I knew you weren't there."



"Deb didn't pounce on me."

Justin chuckled.  "Did you expect her to?"

"If you had gone there and told her what happened, she would have chewed me a new asshole in short order."


"Yeah," Justin giggled.  "She can be fierce."

Brian snorted.  "She knew something was wrong when you weren't with me, but she let me off easy for some reason.  I'm sure I'll pay later."

"You think?"


"She thinks I'm the Prince of Darkness most of the time anyway."

"You are."

"So what does that make you?"


Justin thought for a moment.  "Your handmaiden?"


Brian laughed out loud.  Justin thought he had never heard a better sound.  Brian shook his head thinking about all the connotations that Justin's choice of words could have.  Then his face sobered.  "You know, Justin," he said seriously, "that's one of the reasons I … love you.  You are fun to be around."

"Thanks," Justin said sincerely a big grin on his face.


Brian felt his cock stir.  "Can we go back to the room now?" Brian asked.


Brian had just said he loved him without too big a hesitation and without any prodding.  How could he refuse? 


"I think that could be arranged, but later you have to tell me the rest of the story about how you found me."

"I will," Brian said taking Justin's hand and pulling him out of the booth.


They quickly made their way through the lobby and up to their room.  Brian hung the "Do Not Disturb" sign on the door and turned to his partner.  He took a step towards Justin.


"Wait," Justin commanded.




"We haven't settled everything yet."

Brian groaned.  "But we did settle some things," he said hopefully.


"Yes, we did," Justin admitted.


"So can I have my reward for being a good big boy?" Brian asked looking longingly at his partner.


"Yes," Justin grinned and Brian took another step forward.  "But," Justin said raising his hand and stopping Brian in his tracks, "we are going to finish the rest of this later."


"Agreed," Brian gave in, his longing for Justin the overriding thought in his head.


Brian took another step forward and this time Justin didn't stop him.  He crushed Justin against his body and claimed his lips in a searing kiss that left them both breathless and dazed and oh so hard.


"I've missed you so much," Brian whispered in Justin's ear as he nibbled at the lobe.


Justin trembled at the delicious shivers that Brian's words and actions sent racing through him.  "I missed you too."


Brian lifted Justin's sweater over his head and pulled it off.  Justin was pulling at the buttons of Brian's new shirt finding them stiff and uncooperative.  Brian reached for the shirt and started to rip it apart.


"Don't," Justin commanded.  "You've only had the fucking thing for a couple of hours.  Don't wreck it."  He continued to work with the buttons.


Brian groaned.  His rigid cock ached as it strained against his pants wanting to be free and then embedded in the beautiful blond.  He shoved his cock against Justin's groin looking for any relief as he ground against the boy.  Finally Justin got the last of the buttons undone and shoved the shirt off Brian's shoulders.  Brian already had Justin's slacks pushed down over his ass and had been kneading the full buttocks as he pressed against him.  Justin made short work of Brian's new trousers and they kicked the remaining clothes away from their feet.


Brian groaned again as he stepped back and looked at the naked Justin who stared back at him with raw lust in his blue eyes.


"Fuck, I need you," Brian gasped as he picked up Justin and carried him to the bed.  He dropped his lover unceremoniously on top of the bedspread and threw himself over the boy covering him with his weight and his hands and his need.


"Fuck me, Brian.  It's been too long," Justin gasped in response.


Brian rubbed against Justin eliciting more moans and some bucks from the body beneath him.


"Please," Justin moaned.


Brian loved it when he could make the boy beg.  But his own needs were becoming too pressing to resist.  He pushed himself up and fumbled for the bag he had placed beside the bed earlier in the day.


"What?" Justin asked.


"Lube," Brian said reaching into the bag which had been a little beyond his grasp.


"You bought lube?"


"Yeah, while I was shopping for clothes.  This hotel has all the necessities."


"Pretty sure of yourself, aren't you?" Justin asked rather annoyed at the presumption of the man.


"I wasn't sure at all," Brian admitted.  "I was hoping though … and I didn't want to hurt you if … you let me…"


Justin melted at Brian's seeming insecurity and his concern for Justin's comfort.  "Then get to it," Justin ordered digging his fingers into Brian's shoulders and pulling him in for another long, hard kiss.


When the kiss ended Brian quickly smeared lube on his cock and used his slathered fingers to open Justin a little.  He couldn't wait any longer and positioned his cock and drove in.  They both gasped at the tightness.  It had been a couple of days.


"Are you okay?" Brian asked stopping and waiting for Justin to adjust.


"Yes, I'm right where I want to be."


Brian drove the rest of the way in.  He loved the silky heat of Justin's body and he stopped to revel in it for a moment or two.  The impatient blond beneath him bucked up against him wanting more.


"Easy, little one," Brian whispered.


"Not so little," Justin breathed.  "I'll show you later."

Brian chuckled knowing that Justin would probably do just that.  "And I'll let you," he said as he started to pump.  He still had to be in control.


Brian rode his lover hard and deep.  As his orgasm built he felt the telltale jolts pass through his body.  Justin moaned beneath him.  Brian caught a glimpse of Justin's purple cock dripping and slapping against him as the boy matched every thrust.


"Ahhh," Brian cried as the waves of pleasure shot through him and he poured his cum into the willing receptacle beneath him.  Justin moaned as he felt the hot fluid gush into the very heart of him.  He bucked once more against Brian and his own orgasm ripped through him.  Stars exploded behind his eyes and he spun out of control.


When he came to his senses a few moments later, he felt Brian's weight atop him.  Brian's softening cock was still inside and he tightened his anal muscles not wanting it to slip away.  His arm came around Brian's back and he held the man against him never wanting to let him go.


If sex was everything, and Brian certainly believed that it was, there was nothing better than where he was right at this moment.  Justin's arms around him and his cock inside his lover and his body cradled against the man he loved.  The world was perfect.


Justin opened his eyes and watched Brian as he lay on his chest sucking in air.  Sex was so important to Brian … and to him too if he was truthful.  They had this part of their relationship down pat.  If only everything else was so perfect. 


Maybe that was the difference between them.  This seemed to be enough for Brian, but he knew it wasn't enough for him, not anymore.  He wanted a true life with Brian, a partnership, to be treated like an equal, to be considered before actions were taken, to be cherished.  Justin snorted.  What the fuck was he thinking?  This pipedream with Brian was totally impossible.  Hell, Brian didn't even know the signs of when he had pushed Justin over the edge and driven him away.  How could he expect the man to cherish him?  He didn't cherish anything including himself.


Brian looked at Justin when he heard the snort.  He wondered what the blond might be thinking, but a look at the emotions that were playing across Justin's face told him that maybe he didn't want to know.


Brian shifted his weight off Justin and his cock slipped out.  He watched some of his cum drip out of the boy.  He got up and went to the bathroom to get a cloth to clean them up.  When he returned Justin had rolled away from him.  Brian wiped the cum away and cleaned himself.  Still Justin faced the opposite wall.


"Justin," Brian said softly.  "Are you all right?  I didn't hurt you, did I?"


"Not physically," Justin whispered still facing away.


"What does that mean?" Brian asked keeping his voice soft and non-threatening.  He wanted to know what had happened since he got up from the bed.


"I … you wouldn't understand."

"Try me.  I might surprise you."

"I…"  Justin said no more still staring at the opposite wall.


"Now who won't communicate?"


"It'll sound stupid and you'll make some sarcastic remark and then we'll be fighting all over again."

"I won't.  I … promise."  Brian had a feeling that this was something very important.  He wanted to hear it even though the likelihood was that he wouldn't like it.


Justin heard the sincerity in Brian's voice.  He wondered if he could tell him.  It would sound stupid, but it was what he truly wanted and maybe this time…


"Please, Justin, don't shut me out."

Justin heard his own words, words he had used so many times on Brian.  "I was thinking about sex."


"Me too," Brian said with a chuckle.


Justin sighed.  "Do you want me to tell you?"


"Yes, go ahead and I'll shut the fuck up."

"I was thinking how perfectly we do that and wondering why everything else in our lives can't be as good."

When Justin paused Brian had to say, "Because I don't know how to do anything else as well as I fuck."

"There's more truth in that statement than you know," Justin replied keeping his eyes fixed on the wall and refusing to look at Brian.  "I wish I were more important to you, that you truly cared what I thought about things, that you cherished me … even a little bit."  There he had used the word.


"I do care about you, what you think, what you feel."


"Right," Justin said with a tinge of sarcasm.  "Just like in the loft a couple of days ago."

"That was a mistake.  I didn't mean to drive you away.  I've told you that.  I want you to wear the ring.  I want everyone to know that I … cherish you," Brian said feeling that he had to prove himself to Justin.


Justin rolled over when he heard that word.  He never thought he would hear Brian say it, but it still wasn't enough.  "What do you think that means, Brian?"

Brian thought for a moment.  "It's something that I'm still learning the meaning of," he admitted.  "I'm here with you now because I cherish you.  What we did a few minutes ago was because I cherish you.  The … feelings that you inspire in me and the terror that I feel if I can't make you understand that, come from how much you mean to me.  I could find lots of other sex partners.  We both know that, but it's not them I want.  It's you.  That's why I risked the wrath of Debbie and your mother to try to find you.  It's why I blew off work for a week or more, because I want to be here with you.  I need you in my life.  I can't do it without you.  I don't want to do it without you.  Doesn't that mean that I cherish you?"


"Maybe," Justin said with a little smile and then he launched himself onto Brian and kissed him relentlessly for several minutes.


When Justin let him up for air, Brian grinned.  "Did I get it right this time?"

Justin nodded as he shoved Brian onto his stomach and grabbed the lube.  It was time to show the man that he was not so little and give Brian another reason to cherish him.

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