Justin and Brian waited in the reception area of the clinic.  They had been tested a few days earlier and were to get the results today.  The wait seemed like forever, but it was really only about fifteen minutes.  Finally the doctor on duty called them in.

 

"Everything was negative for both of you," he said matter-of-factly.

 

Brian and Justin looked at each other and grins broke out on both their faces.

 

The doctor watched them.  He knew who this dark haired man was, the infamous Brian Kinney.  His reputation was legendary around Liberty Avenue.  He had heard that Kinney was involved with some young twink.  This must be him the doctor had surmised.

 

"Those grins tell me that you two are ready for a new step in your relationship," he said to them knowingly.

 

They turned their attention to him and nodded.

 

"I always recommend that you continue using condoms regardless of whether you are negative or not," he said seriously.

 

Brian and Justin looked at each other, not sure how to respond to that.

 

"But if you decide to do otherwise, you need to be completely honest with each other.  If you have an encounter with someone else, your partner needs to know immediately."

 

"We realize that," Brian said.  "We intend to be open about anything that happens."

 

Justin nodded in agreement.

 

"That's good," the doctor replied, "but be aware that most couples tell me exactly that, and when something happens, it's not so easy to reveal it to the other person."

 

"We'll take that under advisement," Brian said rather arrogantly.  He didn't appreciate this doctor, well meaning or not, trying to tell them how to run their relationship.  It was almost like he was predicting that they would fail, that one of them would cheat, or that they couldn't trust each other.

 

Brian stood up.  "Let's go, Justin," he said.

 

"Thanks, doctor," Justin said to the man and followed Brian out the door.

 

"Who does that fucker think he is?" Brian demanded as they passed through the waiting room.  Several heads turned to see what Brian was talking about in none too quiet terms.  "Who died and made him God?"

"Brian," Justin said quietly, "it's part of his job to advise people and warn them about the consequences of their actions.  I'm sure he didn't mean anything by it."

"And I'm sure he knows who I am and is making the assumption that I will be fucking around behind your back," replied Brian through clenched teeth.  He gave the clinic door a hefty shove and stepped out into the fresh air.

 

"Why would you do that?" Justin asked.

 

"What?"  Brian was puzzled by Justin's reaction.

 

"I said why would you fuck around behind my back when you fucked in front of my face for so long."

Brian grimaced at that reminder.  "What are you saying?"

 

"I'm saying that if anyone is likely to cheat, it's me.  Look at what I did with Ethan."

Brian stopped walking and turned to his partner.  "I thought that was all behind us.  We don't need to bring that up."

"I think we do.  I want you to be safe, as much as I think you want me to be, so we need to know where we stand."

Brian stared into Justin's eyes.  "I stand with you, right here, just the two of us."

 

"And so do I, but I never thought I could cheat on you, and yet I did.  We need to think this through really carefully and make sure this is what we want and what we can live up to."

"Let's go home," Brian said slowly.  He didn't like the way this was going.  They needed to discuss this in private.

 

They walked to the Corvette in silence, each thinking about how to prove their commitment to the other, and wondering if their love really was strong enough to take this step.  Brian drove them to the loft and neither knew what to say to the other.  Finally they were home, and Justin pulled the loft door closed and locked it.

 

"That fucking doctor ruined what should have been a perfect day," Brian said slumping down on the couch.

 

"He didn't ruin anything, Brian," Justin admonished.  "We're the ones who have to make these decisions and for the right reasons."

"I know, for fuck's sake.  But why can't we just fuck and worry about this stuff later."

"We can," Justin said simply. 

 

Brian stared at him.

 

"We can," Justin repeated.  "We're both negative and neither of us is screwing around, at least as far as I know.  So we can."

"Then let's do it," Brian said.

 

"And worry about the future in the future?"

Brian groaned.  "I don't want to worry about the fucking future at all!"

"Fine," Justin said.

 

"Well, that was romantic!  I'm hard already," Brian stated sarcastically.

 

"Why are we fighting?"

"Fuck if I know."

"Do you think we're scared to take this step?" Justin asked tentatively.  He knew he was … a little bit.

 

Justin saw a glimmer of something pass over Brian's face.  "Justin, come here," Brian ordered patting the sofa next to him.

 

"What?" Justin asked sitting down with one leg drawn up so that he was turned towards his partner.

 

"Do you remember that night you wanted to do it raw?"

"Yeah," Justin said.  "We had just found out about Ben being positive and I was sort of sad for him and Michael never to be able to do it unprotected."

 

"Do you remember what I told you?"

"Never to let anyone do that to me.  But that doesn't include you, does it?"

"What else did I say?" Brian asked ignoring Justin's question.

 

"That you wanted me safe.  That you wanted me around for a long time.  That was one of the nicest things you ever said to me," Justin stated with a wistful look on his face.

 

"And then later we were apart.  You had been with Ethan and me at the same time."

 

"Fuck Brian, I was careful.  I wouldn't do anything to put you in danger."

 

"But the possibility is always there.  Even with a condom there are dangers.  It could break.  Who knows?"

Justin shook his head.  "If you're trying to say you don't want to do this, then just say so.  This discussion is depressing."

"I want to do it, but you thought we should look at all the ramifications, so that's what we're doing."

"It certainly isn't putting me in the mood to do anything."

"Me either, but let's get this all out right now."

"Why?  What else is there?"

"You mentioned Ben.  I was with Ben at the White Party in Miami when he must have been HIV positive, but he probably didn't know it at that point.  He was in a relationship with Paul who had already infected him.  You know that Ben is an upfront kind of guy.  I bet he thought Paul was too.  And I bet Paul never thought he was poisoning Ben, but he did."

"Christ Brian, it sounds like we're committing suicide every time we even think about doing it raw."

"In a way we are, if we're not really secure and honest with each other."

"Oh."  Justin didn't expect that answer.

 

"When we got back together we went through a long period of building trust in each other.  It had been severely damaged," Brian said.

 

"By me," Justin admitted with a grimace.

 

"I'm not laying blame, Justin.  I was as much at fault as you were in many ways.  I just couldn't talk about feelings or admit that I loved you then.  I just … couldn't."

"I know."

"Anyway this is going to be our ultimate test of the trust we have in each other."

"Yeah, I guess it is," Justin had to agree.  "Can we have dinner?"

 

"Fuck, Justin, we're talking about our lives and our commitment and you want to eat?"

Justin looked sheepish.  "When I get anxious or worried I want to eat.  Hell, I always want to eat."

"Order something," Brian said shaking his head in dismay.

 

Brian was on the computer and Justin was sketching when their dinner arrived.  They had hardly spoken to each other since Justin ordered take-out.  Neither knew exactly what to say.  They were afraid of making the other one angry.  Everything was so unsettled.

 

Justin dished them up a couple of plates of the Thai food and carried them over to the sofa.  "Want a glass of wine?" Justin asked.

 

Brian nodded and got up from the computer.  "I'll get them," he said heading to the kitchen.

 

Justin sat down and began picking at his food.  He wasn't as hungry as he had thought.  They should be in bed fucking bareback instead of quarreling and feeling uncertain about where they stood.

 

Brian handed Justin a glass of wine and sat down beside him.  He let out a sigh as he picked up his plate.  "This isn't exactly how I envisioned this day going," Brian said philosophically.

 

"Me either."

Brian took a bite of his food and chewed slowly.  "Are we ready?"

"I thought we were."

 

"So did I.  How did we get sidetracked?"

"Self doubt?"

 

"Maybe."

"I love you, you know," Justin said softly, looking into Brian's eyes.

"And I love you."

Justin beamed that trademark smile.  "Then what are we worrying about?  All the trouble before came from the fact that you wouldn't or couldn't tell me how you felt … that you love me."

"And now I can.  Now I do."  Brian stared into those clear, beautiful eyes.

 

"I think I'm ready," Justin stated with a gleam in his eye.

 

"What about your dinner?" Brian asked with a smirk.  "I thought you were always hungry."

"Some things are more important."

Plates clattered onto the coffee table, chopsticks landing anywhere, and suddenly they were in each others arms.  Justin raked his fingers through Brian's hair, pulling and then pressing their faces together.  He heard Brian growl from somewhere deep inside.  Then their tongues were in each other's mouth. Their hands were all over each other's body.  Their legs wrapped around each other as Justin pushed Brian down against the cushions of the sofa.  Justin could feel his suddenly erect cock rub against Brian's matching one.  They both groaned and humped each other.

 

Finally the kiss ended and they both lay panting on top of each other uncertain where one began and the other ended.  Lust filled eyes stared at each other.

 

"Bed!" Justin ordered.

 

Somehow they were able to find enough strength in their legs to carry them to the side of the bed.  They had managed to get rid of their shirts on the way to the bedroom.  Brian pulled Justin against him, their bare chests heaving as they kissed again.  Their hands clasped at the nape of each other's neck pressing them impossibly closer.  Their lips chewed at each other wanting to devour.  Their tongues dueled wanting supremacy.  Their breath came in gasps and pants as they struggled not to break the connection.

 

"Jesus, Brian, I need a breath," Justin finally gasped.

 

Brian released him almost imperceptibly, but it was enough that he could gulp some air, before the man was on him again.  They wrestled around grabbing naked flesh, tugging at hair till it hurt, scratching and clawing at each other in their need.

 

Justin felt Brian's hand go to his cock.  The man squeezed and Justin jumped unprepared for that.  He pushed back from Brian and looked into his eyes.  His hand reached for the buttons on Brian's jeans.  He could tell by the bulge there that Brian was hard and ready.

 

He slid the jeans down over Brian's hips and his cock sprang free.  It was red and almost menacing in its fullness and rock hardness as Justin's hand engulfed it.  He heard Brian moan at his touch.

 

Brian shoved Justin's pants to the floor and looked at his lover's wonderful body as the boy stepped out of the last of his clothes.  He had to touch him.  Brian's hand snaked around Justin's waist and pulled the slim body into his arms.  He kissed the swollen lips again tasting Justin's mouth and the slight ginger flavor from the Thai food.  His hand wandered down to that luscious ass that he would soon be plowing.  It cupped one cheek and pressed Justin's hard-on against his own.  They both groaned.

 

Brian gave Justin a gentle shove and the boy toppled onto the bed.  Brian spread himself over top of the boy and rotated his hips rubbing his aching cock across Justin's equally hard one.

 

His hands came up on each side of Justin's face and he held Justin still as he stared into those blue eyes.  It was a question for the boy, asking permission to continue, and it was a statement to the boy that this meant they were united as one and there would be no going back.  Justin smiled at him answering and stating his own commitment to what was about to happen.  Brian kissed him tenderly and gently, slowing everything down from the frenzy of the primal need they had both been experiencing before.

 

"I … love … you, Justin Taylor," Brian stated slowly and emphatically.

 

"I love you, Brian Kinney," Justin replied with a little choke in his voice.

 

Brian kissed him again and reached over for the lube.  "Face to face?" Brian asked.

 

Justin nodded and smiled at him.  "Just like the first time."

 

Brian squirted some lube in Justin's hole.

 

"Cold," the boy said.

 

"It'll heat up," Brian replied, using their patented words from that first night together.

 

Brian's fingers worked into the boy, scissoring in and out.  Justin gasped at the intrusion, but he was soon ready.  He took the lube from Brian and squirted some in his hand.  He slowly ran his hand up and down Brian's rod stroking it to fullness as he did.

 

"Cold," Brian said with a smirk.

 

"It'll heat up," Justin promised with a grin.

 

"Ready?"

 

"Willing and able," Justin said in reply.

 

He felt Brian's cock press against his hole and the mushroom head slipped in.  Brian stopped and they both savored this new sensation.  Somehow it felt warmer and tighter and better.  Brian leaned in and pressing in a little farther he kissed Justin long and slow.

 

He felt the boy squirm beneath him and knew he wanted more.  He grabbed Justin's hands and splayed them out above the boy's head.  His fingers laced through Justin's in that intimate contact that had come to mean so much to them.  His cock pressed harder and was almost all the way in when Justin bucked up impaling him fully.

 

"Impatient little cuss, aren't you?" Brian said.

 

"I don't know how long I'm going to be able to last," Justin gasped.  "This feels fucking fantastic!"

 

Brian drew back till only the head of his cock remained inside and then thrust forward.  They both gasped at the smooth and sensitive penetration.  It was like they could feel every inch of each other, open and free and wonderful.  Brian drew back and thrust in once more.  Gradually he found his rhythm and they bucked against each other relishing the sensations that seemed so heightened, unlike anything either of them had ever felt before.

 

Brian thrust deep and hard and stopped.  "I don't want this to ever end," he whispered by Justin's ear, "but I can't last much longer."

 

"I know," Justin said a little sadly.  He didn't want it to be over either, but he had felt the first tinglings of his own orgasm.

 

"I love you," Brian breathed by his ear, and began pounding against him. 

 

He felt Brian's fist tug on his cock and he was lost at the touch.  "Ahhh!" Justin gasped as he felt cum shoot out of his slit and coat his chest, some landing all the way up on his chin, the explosion was so intense.

 

Brian felt Justin shoot and the boy's anus contracted tighter around his dick trying to force him out.  The contraction sent Brian over the edge and his cum shot up Justin's warm channel farther than either of them could believe.  Justin gasped at the warm fluid he could feel bursting inside him.  This was Brian, his essence, his symbol of the love they shared.  Brian gasped at almost the same time, as he felt his cum shoot free, not trapped inside a condom.  It was warm and some slid back over his dick coating it.  He slumped against the boy nestling his face against Justin's neck, fighting back the emotions that swamped him.

 

He felt Justin's arms go around his back holding him close, not letting him slip out.

 

"Stay," the boy whispered.  "As long as you can."

 

Brian stayed still, feeling shaken and confused and wonderful and … open.  He had never experienced anything like this.  Now he understood why people barebacked and risked their lives for this feeling.  All these years he had missed this.  But … it would never have happened without Justin.  He would never have done this with anyone else.  He would never trust anyone else the way he did Justin.  He knew why he had waited.  He had been waiting his whole life for this man, and they had finally found each other and made this ultimate pledge of love and trust one to the other.

 

Finally Brian lifted his head and rolled off his lover onto his back.  He heard Justin moan at the loss as his cock slipped out and left the boy open and empty except for the cum that trickled from the spasming hole.  Brian looked down at his dick coated with cum and marveled at what they had just done.

 

"Are you all right?" Justin asked.

 

Brian nodded.  "You?"

 

"Just fine," Justin purred rolling against Brian's side.  "That was … unbelievable."

"Yeah.  I never knew what it would be like," Brian said.  He grabbed some tissues and cleaned them both up.

 

Justin could tell their first time bareback had really affected Brian.  "Did it feel different … from your end?"

 

"I could say something rude about ends, but I won't," Brian replied tossing the tissues in the wastebasket and turning to face Justin.  "It was great.  I understand now why people want to do it.  You know I've read about men who suck the cum out of their lover's ass with a straw."

 

Justin made a face.  "You don't want to do that, do you?"

 

"No, I don't.  I'm not into kink.  How was it from … your end?" he asked with a smirk.

 

"My end is just fine, thank you.  It felt so different from when we use a condom.  I felt so close to you.  It meant … a lot," Justin ended, finding it hard to express the depth of his feelings for Brian and the intense bond that he had felt with the man.

 

A wicked look passed across Justin's face.

 

"What?" Brian asked not at all sure he wanted to hear the answer to that, if the look on Justin's face gave any indication of what was to come.

 

"I was just thinking …" Justin let his words hang in the air.

 

"What?"

"Turn about is fair play."

"Meaning?" Brian asked knowing exactly what Justin meant.

 

"Can I?"

 

"You really want to, don't you?"

 

Justin nodded.

 

"We seem to be on a day of firsts here, so … okay."

 

Justin beamed at him.  "I want to feel what you felt, and you can feel what it was like for me."

 

"You don't have to convince me," Brian said testily.  "I said yes."

"Will this really be the first time … like this?"

Brian nodded.

 

Justin kissed him softly.  "I can't believe that I actually get to be your first … something."

Brian looked at him, and decided to say it.  "You're my first a lot of things."  Justin looked at him quizzically.  "You're my first bareback.  You're my first partner in the true sense of that word.  You're the first and only one who has really shared my life, my bed, and my future.  You're my first … everything."

"Oh Brian," Justin whispered.  He could feel the tears welling up and could do nothing to stop them.

 

"Don't cry," Brian pleaded trying to wipe away the errant droplets.

 

"Do you have any idea how much it means to me to hear you say that?" Justin asked.

 

Brian stared at him wondering why it had taken so long for him to admit these things to Justin.  He knew that Justin had been special to him right from that first night, but he had been so afraid to tell him, always thinking the boy would figure out what a miserable fuck he really was and leave him.  He had always felt unworthy of anyone's love.  Nobody else had really loved him, not in the way Justin did.  Michael and Lindsay and Deb and Vic had loved him in their own way, but Justin was so blatant about it, so sure that Brian was what he wanted.  Eamonn had said all the right words, but he hadn't meant it when push came to shove.  He had been so afraid that Justin would turn out to be another Eamonn.  That was why he was so reluctant to bare his soul to this beautiful boy, fully expecting rejection somewhere down the line.  And it had come, or more truthfully he had forced it by refusing to tell Justin what he meant to him.  But even when Justin had gone to Ethan they had both known that they weren't finished. 

 

"You always were a sucker for sweet words," Brian whispered to cover some of what he was feeling.  He didn't want Justin to know just how big a schmuck he really was.

 

Justin pushed back from him.  "Don't say that, Brian." he said with a worried look on his face.  "Those aren't just words, are they?  You do mean them."

"Of course I do, Sunshine, or I wouldn't have said them," Brian admitted, immediately sorry for worrying his lover.

 

Justin's smile returned.  He slid his hand down Brian's taut torso and grasped his cock.  He felt it jump in his hand.  He loved the way he could always get to Brian.  "I'm ready if you are," he said in his most suggestive voice.

 

"Always … for you."

Justin grinned.  Christ, he loved this man.  He wished they could always be so free and open about their feelings and about saying them out loud.  "Can we do it face to face again?" Justin asked.  "I want to see your face while I'm inside you … raw."

Brian nodded.  Usually when Justin topped him, they did it doggie style.  It just seemed easier for both of them somehow, but Brian understood what Justin wanted.  He had wanted the same thing, to see Justin's reaction to doing it raw.  He wanted to please Justin, and he knew this was part of the new experience for the boy.  He felt Justin gently push him onto his stomach.

 

"What are you doing?  I thought you wanted to do it face to face," Brian protested.

 

"I'm going to do something else first," Justin declared.  "And you're going to love it!"

 

"Am I now?" Brian asked with a grin.  "Does it involve a tongue?"

"Oh yeah!"

 

"Ummm," Brian responded sensing that he was going to enjoy the preliminaries almost as much as the main act.

 

Brian rolled over onto his stomach and Justin pulled a pillow down and shoved it underneath his hips.  His butt stuck up temptingly and he heard Justin groan.

 

"Easy young fella," Brian said with a grin in his voice.  "We've got all night."

He felt Justin's hands caress his back, running over the taut muscles and feeling the bones of his spine.  Justin leaned in and kissed Brian's neck, nuzzling and sniffing the wonderful scent that was Brian.  He felt Justin reposition himself between his legs.  The boy's soft hands squeezed his cheeks and then spread them apart for a better view of his pucker.  Justin reached under him groping for his balls, rolling them in his hand.  Brian groaned.  The boy slid the side of his hand along the perineum and through the crack of Brian's ass.  As it passed over Brian's hole he felt the man shiver and saw his hole wink at him.

 

He leaned against Brian, nibbling on his neck and licking the love bites.  His tongue began sliding down Brian's back over each vertebra in his spine until it reached its goal.  The tongue licked across the pucker but didn't enter.  He almost thought he heard Brian whimper, but he didn't let on.  He licked farther down crouching until he could get his mouth far enough under to suck on Brian's balls.  Then the man did whimper and moan.

 

Justin felt his own erection straining and decided he needed to move things along.  He sat up on his knees and plunged his tongue into Brian's pucker.  He heard the man growl and arch up.  He locked his tongue in a rigid position and renewed his work plunging in again and again until Brian was moaning and writhing beneath him.  He grabbed the lube and squirted some on his fingers using them to open Brian even further.

 

"Turn over," he ordered sitting back and greasing his own cock with the lube.

 

Brian shifted and looked up at him.  Justin saw the slightest trace of fear on his face and then it was gone.

 

"I love you and I'll be gentle," Justin said with a smile.

 

Brian made a face at him, but spread his legs wide giving Justin more access.

 

Justin held out his hands and Brian took them, again lacing their fingers together.  They kissed long and tenderly.  When Justin again looked in Brian's eyes, the man nodded and Justin positioned his cock at the hole.  He pushed in and felt Brian grimace.  He was always so tight.  He waited until he felt Brian relax and pressed in further.  Brian opened his eyes and Justin plunged in the rest of the way.  He couldn't believe they were doing this.  He couldn't believe he was doing this.  He couldn't believe he was inside Brian without a condom.  Now he understood what Brian had meant about this feeling so different.  Brian's channel was hot and wet around his cock.  It felt like heaven.

 

He stared into Brian's face seeing the look of wonder there.  He wondered if he had looked like that when Brian had entered him.  He wondered if his face looked like that now, because that was how he felt.

 

He began thrusting with abandon knowing this felt too good to last very long. He felt Brian meet each thrust and he leaned in for a kiss.  He could feel Brian's hard, leaking cock trapped between their groins.  He reached for it and tugged in time with his thrusts.  He was rapidly losing control.

 

"Brian," he gasped feeling his imminent orgasm.

 

"Now!" Brian yelled and he was coming in Justin's fist, the silvery threads of cum shooting from his slit.  Justin followed immediately, his orgasm shooting unchecked inside Brian.  Brian felt the warmth and wetness penetrate to his very being.

 

"Justin," he moaned, "oh, my God, Justin."

Justin lay atop his lover sucking in air and trying to get a handle on what had just happened.  He knew he had never experienced anything like that before, but he hoped he would again and again.

 

Justin felt Brian shift slightly and raised his head.  His mouth was immediately captured by Brian's.  The man's arms wrapped around him and clutched him tightly against his body.

 

"I love … you," Brian managed to get out.

 

"That was spectacular!" Justin felt compelled to say.  "Can we do it again?"

Brian grimaced.  His usual response was, "Jesus Christ, Justin, give me thirty seconds."  Instead he merely nodded his head in agreement.  Justin smiled that blinding smile in response.

 

They rolled apart and Justin grabbed some tissues to clean them up.  That done they snuggled against each other feeling closer than they ever had.  Neither spoke for a long time.

 

Finally Justin said, "Do you suppose this is what they mean by basking in the afterglow?"

Brian did not reply.  Justin turned his head to look at his lover.  The man stared at the ceiling apparently a million miles away.  Justin frowned and gently poked Brian in the ribs.  Brian's eyes blinked and turned to look at him in surprise.

 

"Where were you?" Justin asked gently.

 

"I …," Brian began but didn't finish.

 

"Brian?" Justin asked beginning to worry that something was really wrong.  "What's going on?"

Brian tried to come up with a good story, but he couldn't think of anything to explain his somewhat strange behavior, except maybe the truth.  "In for a penny, in for a pound," he whispered more to himself than to Justin.  "I was wondering why it took me so long to do that," Brian said slowly trying to keep his voice steady.

 

"You mean … bareback?"

 

Brian nodded.  "It felt so good.  I've always heard how fantastic it was, but I never allowed myself to try it.  I was trying to figure out why not.  God knows I've done enough other crazy and risky things to myself over the years."

 

"So did you come up with an answer?" Justin asked.

 

"Yes."

"Well, are you going to tell me?"

 

Brian stared into Justin's eyes.  "You."

"Me?"

"I never had anyone who cared about me the way you do.  I had to look out for myself and I had that down to a fine art.  Nobody got through my barriers.  I had everything in neat little lock boxes that nobody could break into.  Then you came along and blew them all to hell.  You love me and look after me and I don't have to do it all by myself anymore."

Justin felt tears well up in his eyes.  He was proud that Brian felt that way about him, but he was so sad that Brian had been compelled to live so much of his life blocking out others and existing alone.

 

"You mean so much to me, Justin," Brian said.

 

"And you mean the world to me.  We've gone to a new level tonight," Justin stated.

 

"And I think we'll be fine as long as we're open and honest with each other."

 

"I know we'll be fine," Justin said stressing the word 'know'.  "I don't have a doubt in the world."

Brian pulled Justin into a warm hug, loving the feel of the boy's body against his.  It was warm and safe and giving.  He glanced over Justin's shoulder to the dresser where their rings hung side by side in Justin's sculpture.  He smiled. 

 

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