Scattered Ashes
Part seven
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"He met someone."
Michael looked up at Emmett in confusion.
"Who?"
"Justin. He met someone today, I can tell."
"Yeah he met Ben's student teacher at lunch but Ben just said they seemed
to hit it off okay."
"Well, they hit it off more than okay, cause I just
left a very nervous blond back at Casa de Queer. He was throwing all of his
clothes out on the bed trying to decide what to wear."
"Really? Maybe he's going out with Daphne or dinner
with his mom."
"No honey, this was 'I found me a hot piece of ass nervousness' not 'I'm
going to dinner with mommy and want to look my best'. He's got a
date."
"But him and Brian just broke up."
"Um, honey that was two months ago and in case you forgot Brian has a new
boyfriend."
"But I just always thought that they would get back together. If Justin has
a new boyfriend too, where does that leave them?"
"It leaves them right where they already are, APART. It was Brian's decision
to leave, not Justin's. It's high time that boy got out and had some fun.
I haven't seen him smile like this in far too long."
"I guess you're right, but it doesn't seem right."
"What?"
"Them not together."
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"Hi, Justin." Noah sat down across from him at the small table near
the front of the cafe and looked around. "Is your friend coming?"
"He's already here."
"Oh?"
"Yeah, it's me, Noah."
"You're 'JT'? Oh man I should've put it together. JT, Justin Taylor. Wow,
I can be so dense sometimes."
"I hope you aren't mad."
"Mad? Are you kidding? I came here thinking I was going to find someone who
knew how I felt and I find you. Man, I have to tell you, I was dying to ask
you out today at the diner but I wasn't sure if I should."
"Well I'm glad I showed up then. I'm sorry about today. I'm just not used
to talking about that time. No one wants to talk about
it, they all act like I should just move
on."
"Yeah, I got the same thing. What they don't know is that even now I wake
up sweating because I could feel it all over again. Somedays I'm walking
down the street and I hear a car approaching and I just freeze. It's like
I just can't move."
"Yeah, somedays I wake up and it's dark and I feel trapped. Like when I was
in the coma, I can hear everything but I just can't get out. It's like being
lost in a maze that you just can't navigate."
"Yes, it really is. How long were you in the coma?"
"Four weeks."
"Mine lasted three months. Then I had to learn how to walk all over again.
I don't remember much about the actual accident, just the sound of the car.
Do you remember anything at all?"
"I don't remember the important things, but I remember my boyfriend screaming
my name right before that asshole hit me. I can even see the bat when I close
my eyes. I can't remember anything right before that or right
after."
"That must be hard on your boyfriend to live with those memories. How did
he deal with it?"
"Amazingly he's the one that helped me remember what I did. I don't know
how he dealt with it. He never came to see me in the hospital
afterwards."
"That must've been rough."
"For him more than me I think. It doesn't really matter now, I guess, since
we aren't together anymore." At the questioning look that Noah shot him,
Justin laughed. "Long story. Let's just say he had
a change of heart."
"Well then he's a fool. Any man who would leave you is just plain dumb. You're
beautiful and brave and sweet."
"Thanks, Noah. One of these days I may even believe you."
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Emmett was sitting on the couch trying not to look like he was waiting for
Justin to come home when Justin walked in smiling. His heart flipped to see
him smile like that. It had been far too long for this boy to be without
happiness.
"How was your coffee date?"
"Good, thanks. What did you do all day?"
"Oh sat here and caught up on my film appreciation."
Justin picked up the DVD box that was laying on
the table and laughed out loud at his roommates 'classic' film.
"Since when is 'Better Gay Sex' a
classic?"
"Since being gay became cool, Sunshine."
"Oh, so now we're cool. Will wonders never cease?"
"Just you go on and tease, but one of these days there will be so many of
us queens out of the closet that the straights will be the minority. Then
let's see who gets to have more fun."
"Em, thanks."
"For what?"
"Just being you and never letting me forget who I am."
"Oh it's my pleasure, baby." Emmett kissed his cheek and they both sat back
to watch Emmett's favorite real world tv show,
FRIENDS.
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Anthony set the plate of food in front of his boyfriend and watched as he
pushed it away. Sighing, he got up and went to the bedroom alone. Letting
his anger take control he went back out to confront Brian.
"Damnit, Brian, I'm sick of the silent treatment. When is this going to be
over?"
"What the fuck are you talking about?"
"This fucking hissy fit you've been in for days now. My god you'd think you
were still his lover."
"Maybe I should be."
"Fine, if that's what you want, far be it for me to stand in your way. I
thought we had something special here, something real."
"Yeah, well you think too goddamn much. Leave me the fuck alone,
Anthony."
"No, I won't let you shut me out again. It's been like this since you left
him. Either you want to be with me or you don't. Which is it? I'm not going
to keep playing second fiddle to a memory."
"FUCK YOU," Brian said slamming the door behind him and tearing down the
stairs.
Anthony was determined to have it out once and for all and followed Brian
out to his jeep. Standing in front of it he knew that he had his attention.
"Don't you just fucking walk out on me. We need
to settle this. Either you make an effort to get over Justin or you leave.
I WILL NOT BE SECOND BEST."
"Don't push me, Anthony."
"God damn you, Brian, I am NOT Justin Taylor. Look at
me, I'm standing out here in the middle of the fucking
street at two in the morning begging you to love me. Do you think I don't
hear you at night? I know you sit out there in the dark with that fucking
picture you still have in your wallet. I know that you cry out for him in
your sleep. It kills me to know that when you make love to me, it's Justin
you think about. What does he give you that I don't? What's so fucking special
about him?"
"He's Justin. He's just Justin."
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Justin met Noah at the diner everyday for almost two weeks. The two young
men were taking things slowly and Noah had been
understanding when Justin told him that he had just come out of a
serious relationship. Tonight Justin sat waiting for him determined that
tonight he was going to put Brian behind him for good.
Noah sank down into the seat next to the blond he had spent every day with
for weeks now and kissed him softly. It was official, Noah Hill was in love.
They sat close together sharing fries and milkshakes, laughing about nothing
in particular. Neither man noticed the tall man sitting two booths back watching
with tears filling his eyes.
Brian had seen Justin sitting alone and had sat down trying to get up the
courage to go over and talk to him when that damn kid came in and kissed
him. It suddenly got harder to breathe and his heart ached to see Justin
smile up at him the same way he used to for him. That was his smile, his
kiss.
Justin and Noah paid the check, kissed Debbie and left. Brian waited only
seconds before following them out the door. He shadowed them down
Extinguishing the butt with his boot he took the steps two at a time stopping
just long enough to talk to Mike, the door man. Once inside the dark club
he headed up to the catwalk for a better view. He spotted them almost
immediately. Justin was dancing with his arms around the other man's neck
like he used to do with him. Brian had to hold onto the railing to keep from
tearing down the steps and taking Justin out of there.
He stood and watched as they kissed. He saw how Justin felt comfortable and
happy in this man's arms. He knew that he'd lost. Justin had moved on just
when he had come to the conclusion that he could no more live his life without
Justin than air. Justin was a part of him and he would forever compare every
man to him and no one would ever come close.
Brian descended the stairs and stopped for one last look at his love before
leaving. He drove back to Anthony's in silence. He opened the door with his
key, walked past his lover and began to pack. Anthony stood in the doorway
watching as Brian haphazardly threw clothes into a bag.
"I love you, Brian."
"I know and I'm sorry. I really am."
"Someday your heart will just let him go and when it does I'll be here
waiting."
"That day will never come. I will never get over Justin. I tried to love
you, Anthony, but you just aren't him."
"Someday soon those memories of him will fade away. Someday he'll move on
and you will be left to face the memories alone, then what,
Brian?"
"He's already moved on but it doesn't matter. I can't be with anyone but
him. I'll never love anyone like I love him. I'm dead inside without
him."
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Noah pulled Justin off the dance floor and led him towards the door. Justin
stopped him with a hand on his arm.
"Noah, I don't know if I'm ready."
"We don't have to do anything you don't want." Noah's eyes pleaded with Justin
to trust him. Justin took a chance and followed him out to the car.
"Justin, I think I'm falling in love with you."
"Noah, it's too soon."
"I can't help the way I feel. I don't expect you to feel the same way, but
I wish you would at least give me the chance to heal your heart."
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Across town Brian stepped into the dark loft and dropped his suitcase. He
needed to feel close to Justin, if only for the night. He wanted to close
his eyes and forget that he ever left. Stripping he stood under the hot spray
of water and let the ghosts of their love weave their spell over him. An
hour later, exhausted and still wet, he collapsed onto their bed and cried
himself to sleep.
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Justin opened the door to the apartment and stuck his head in looking for
Emmett. Not seeing him he pushed the door open wide and let Noah in first.
Before the door shut Noah was in his arms. They kissed and Justin pressed
him against the door. He could feel the man beneath him harden as the kiss
deepened.
His heart beat faster and he was breathless when he pulled away from Noah.
He stood looking at him for several heartbeats before he spoke.
"God knows I want you but I don't want you to get hurt. I'm not ready to
offer you anything more than tonight."
"I'm not asking for anything more than the chance to love you, Justin.
Whoever it was that broke your heart is crazy for letting
you go but I have to say that I'm glad that he did. If tonight is
the only night I ever spend in your life, it will be enough for me. I want
to drown in the feel of you tonight. I want one night to show you that you
can feel again, that you are capable of love again."
Justin took Noah's hand and led him into the bedroom and closed the door,
locking out any thought of Brian Kinney.