I sat there, alone, in the dark for two days. not sure exactly what I was feeIing. Anger, hatred, LOVE. All of the above. Empty. That one I felt for sure. When did it happen? When did he fall in love with that man and  why didn't he love me enough to choose me?

Justin closed the journal and tossed it on the floor, a small letter slipping out unnoticed. He sat, head in hands, unable to cry, just as he had been for the last two days now. Two days since Brian had left. Two days since he lost the love of his life.

The knocking on the door was inisistent and loud when he finally heard it.

"GO AWAY!"

"Justin, open this goddamn door now," Daphne demanded. When he made no effort to do as she ordered she turned her key and opened it herself. Looking around the darkened loft she searched for him. Finding him on a chair in a corner she went to him and wrapped him in her arms and finally he cried.

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Brian woke alone and in a strange bed. Looking around it took him several minutes to remember where he was and why. He hadn't spoken to anyone, not Justin or Anthony since the night he left. He wondered how Justin was and second guessed his decision to leave. He loved Justin, he knew that for a fact, but what he felt for Anthony was just as strong and he couldn't deny it. Nor could he stay with Justin and hurt him even more later on down the road.

He fought back the tears that he'd been shedding for days now and finally got up the strength to shower and shave. Standing at the mirror he stared at the man facing him, this man with two days growth and swollen red eyes. This was the man he had become.

He missed Justin. Picking up his cell he phoned the loft, hoping that Justin would answer and that he wouldn't at the same time. When Daphne picked up, a sob escaped him.

"Give him time." was all she said and he heard the man's sobs echoing through the loft. Skipping the shower he dressed hurriedly and drove frantically until he was standing outside of the home he had shared with Justin. His hand on the door he hesitated.

He needed to see him, to tell him he loved him still and that he was sorry. He needed to tell him that he never meant to leave, that he wanted to come home. But something stopped him and just as he was about to turn away, the door slid open and he stood face to face with Justin.

They were in each other's arms in an instant, both crying and clinging to the other. Neither man spoke for what seemed like hours but was merely only minutes.  Justin was the first to pull away and to speak.

"Why are you here, Brian?"

"I missed you."

"You chose to leave."

"I'm sorry, I never meant to hurt you, Sunshine."

"Go away, Brian. Go away so that I at least have a shot at getting over you."

"I love you."

"But not enough." Justin turned to keep his former lover from seeing the tears that spilled over his lashes. "I can't do this, Brian. I can't see you and not be in love with you. I can't see you and not hurt. Please go away and leave me alone." Justin shut the door quietly behind him and Brian stood motionless outside what once was his life.

He was waiting for the elevator when Daphne  appeared next to him. "Give him time, Brian. He's hurting right now. Maybe some day he can be your friend, but I wouldn't count on it any time soon."

"I'm sorry, Daph. I swear I never wanted to hurt him and I never meant for this to happen. Please tell him I'll always love him."

"I can't do that. It's not what he needs to hear. He needs to find the courage to go on without you. He needs to forget about you and move on. Stay away from him. Give him the time and space he needs. If you ever loved him, then you owe him that much."

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Brian walked the five blocks to Michael's apartment and let himself in. He was sitting on Michael's couch when Ben came home an hour later. Shocked to find Brian there much less crying Ben was at a loss for words.

"Brian, are you ok?"

Brian only nodded and looked at the door waiting for his best friend to come home. Ben went to the kitchen and made Chamomile tea and brought out a steaming cup to Brian and sat next to him in silence for the next thirty minutes until Brian spoke.

"I left."

"Oh? Where'd you go?"

"To a hotel."

"Wait a minute, you left? As in left Justin?"

"Yeah."

"For good?"

"Looks like it."

"Why?"

"I had to."

"Back up, Brian. I thought that you loved Justin. I thought you two were on the right track for once, what happened?"

"Anthony happened."

"That Italian from when JR was born? You're still seeing him?"

"Yes."

"Oh my god, you're in love with him." Ben stared at Brian.

"I don't know."

"You left Justin for him. You ARE in love with him. What about Justin?"

"I went back. Right before I came here. I held him and we cried together. Then he told me he never wants to see me again. I can't blame him. If I could never see me again I would."

"Do you still love him?"

"I'll always love Justin."

"Then why?"

"I have to do this. I have to know."

"Know what, Brian? Know that you can love more than one person? Know that every man in the world wants you?  Damnit, Brian, Justin loves you enough for the whole fucking world. So why break his heart?"

"I didn't mean to."

"But you did. I'm going to be honest with you here, Brian. You may have lost him for good this time. There's only so much his heart can take. Don't you remember what it was like when he left? Don't you remember the pain you went through? Imagine how Justin feels, what he's going through knowing that you're in love with someone else. YOU, the man who couldn't love anyone a year ago, now in love with him and someone else."

"I know how he feels, I've been there remember."

"Do you?" Ben watched Brian closely for any sign that he was having second thoughts about this move. "Do you remember how torn up you were when he left with Ethan? And you didn't even know how to feel. He does. He loves with everything he has Brian. And he feels pain just as strongly. He can't turn off his feelings, Brian. He's hurting and it's going to take him a long time to get over you if he ever does."

"I didn't mean for it to happen. I swear, I never intended to hurt him. God, Ben, I love him just as much as he loves me. Maybe more."

"Then why leave him? Go home now, before it's too late."

"It's already too late, Ben. I have to see this through. I have to know if I can be with Anthony and not let Justin get in the way."

"Do you honestly think that you can do that?"

"I don't know, but I have to try."

"Good luck." Ben watched as Brian left, a little sadder than he'd been when he'd come in and found him on the couch.

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Daphne picked the journal up off of the counter and hesitated before flipping it open. She knew that she shouldn't read her best friend's most private thoughts but she had to figure out a way to help him. It had been two weeks since Brian left and Justin hadn't eaten, hadn't even left the loft and someone had to do something.

Tiptoeing back up the steps she made sure he was sleeping before settling down on the couch and reading her friend's inner torment.

HE'S GONE. BRIAN IS GONE. I can't help but think about him with that other man. How they touch, kiss, make love. I know I shouldn't think about it but I can't help it. I can see him lying there holding him, and running his hands through his hair, like he used to do with me.

WHY? WHY WHY WHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHY                  

   

What's wrong with me? Am I not enough for Brian?

Daphne wipe away a stray tear and turned the page to the next entry.

It hurts a little less today. Or maybe I've just stopped feeling. I found one of his shirts on the floor of the closet and put it on. It still smells like him. Like Brian. I miss that.

Everything seems so empty here. His clothes are gone, like the closet never held Armani or Prada. He was such a label queen. There are no shoes by the door anymore. His toothbrush is gone too. I wish he'd left it, just so I had something of him to look at.

This loft is so lost without Brian. Everything here is his, including me. How am I supposed to move on? How am I supposed to just stop loving him?

"You don't," Daphne whispered to herself, shutting the journal and picking up the sketch pad that lay on the floor next to the couch. Flipping the pages, she saw many sketches of Brian. Brian sleeping, Brian smiling, Brian crying. That was one she never thought she would see and Justin had captured his soul so perfectly.

"I promise you that you will love again," she whispered to Justin. Glancing around the loft she knew what it would take to start the healing process for her best friend and grabbed the phone to call in the troops to help her convince him.

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Justin woke to the sound of laughter, something he hadn't heard in forever in the loft. Rubbing his eyes, he looked around to see if he had been dreaming and Brian was still here. Looking at the empty closet told him it was no dream, that he really was all alone now.

Slipping from the bed, he ran a hand through his hair and sniffed, smelling coffee and suddenly he was ravenous.

Daphne and Emmett looked up from their perches at the counter and smiled at Justin. He looked like such a little boy standing at the top of the stairs, his hair disheveled and bare feet. Emmett stood and poured his friend a cup of coffee and handed to him as he slid onto a stool next to Daphne.

"Welcome to the land of the living, Sunshine."

"Um." was all he could muster.

Daphne slid a bowl of cereal in front of him and watched gleefully as he shoveled it in fast and furious.

"At least taste it, Justin," she scolded.

"Sowwy, I'm stawing."

"What the hell did he just say?" Emmett asked.

"He's starving." Daphne rolled her eyes as she repeated Justin words.

"When isn't he?"

All three turned to face Lindsay standing in the doorway. "Hey there kids, is this a teen party or can anyone join?"

"Come on in darlin'. But be warned we are discussing the male physique and we are being rather graphic."

"Well hell, I did sleep with men once upon a time."

"And how was it?"

Emmett wrapped his arms around Daphne and kissed her full on the mouth, trying to lighten the mood and they all laughed as she played like she was shocked by the gesture.

The group erupted in laughter, including Justin. After the laughter died down, Justin started to wonder why Em and Lindz were there and questioned Daphne.

"What's going on here?"

"You're moving."

Justin stared at the three of them in shock and began to shake his head. "I'm not going anywhere. This is my home and I'm staying right here until..." he let his words trail off into silence.

Lindsay moved over and put her arms around him and held him tight for a moment before speaking. "You can't wait here forever, Justin. You have to let go and you can't do that here."

"Besides," Emmett said moving in close, " I found us the most fantabulous apartment on Liberty Avenue. We can be the most fabulous gay men in  Gay PA in a matter of minutes. So what do you say? Wanna move in with an old fairy?"

"I can't. What if he comes home and I'm not here?"

"He's not coming home, Justin."

"Yes he is, Daphne. He loves me. He said so. The night he left he told me that he loved me."

"That doesn't change the fact that he left. He's gone, it's time for you to move on. It's time for you to live your life again. Get out there, be a productive part of society again. Go back to school, date, have fun, be young."

"I can't."

"You CAN and you WILL." Daphne threw a gym bag at him and smiled. "Now get your hot little ass upstairs and pack some clothes. You and Emmett are going over to your new place and the rest of us will pack the rest of your stuff and bring it over."

"What about the loft?"

"Lindsay will set the alarm and leave a key with the super. Now quit arguing and get upstairs now."

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Anthony dialed Brian's cellphone again and once again got his voicemail. He hadn't spoken to him in several days and was beginning to worry about him. "Brian, please call me back. I've left thirteen messages in two days. I'm starting to worry. I love you."

Brian sat in the hotel watching Live with Regis and Kelly and wishing that he could change the events of the last week. He hadn't been to work since the day he left and he looked a mess. He missed Justin and he missed the life that they had shared.

He had searched his soul for days trying to figure out if this was what he really wanted and still had come to a conclusion. He loved Anthony, of this he was sure. But he wasn't convinced that he loved him more than Justin.

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Anthony answered the phone on the first ring and was delirious to hear Brian's voice on the other end. "Oh my god, baby. I've been so worried about you. Noone knew where you were, not even Michael."

"You talked to Michael?" Brian interrupted.

"When you didn't return my calls, I looked his number up in the book and called him. He's just as worried as I am. Are you ok? Are you safe? Where are you?"

"I'm fine, you can call off the search party. I'm at a hotel across town. I needed some time to think."

"And did you?"

"Yeah. Look I'm at the Hilton, room 257. Just off of Main and Columbus."

"I'll be there before you know it."

Brian replaced the reciever and went to shower. Twenty minutes later he was clean and answering the door. Anthony looked good in his jeans and tee. Brian wanted to hold him and kiss  him but knew that they needed to talk first.

Anthony held up a bag, smiling, "I brought coffee and sandwiches." He accepted the kiss that Brian offered and sat down on the edge of the bed, removing the food from the brown bag. Brian took the food that he offered and sat it on the nightstand. He moved to sit down next to Anthony. Before he knew it they were naked and in bed.

During the process his mind wandered to Justin and it was Justin he was with not Anthony. Justin invaded every thought and feeling he was having.

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Justin sat in the dark on his first night in his new apartment and cried. Emmett brought him hot cocoa and waited for Justin to talk.

"How do I do this, Em?"

"You just do."

"And what if I can't?"

"You can. You're strong and you'll love again."

"How did you do it? When George died I mean? How did you learn to live again, love again?"

"I had my friends. I woke up everyday and tried to remind myself that he loved me and that he would want me to be happy. But, honey, Brian isn't dead. You're going to see him again eventually. And all those old feelings will come rushing back to smack you in the face and you're going to have to get past them and keep on living."

"How?"

"I don't know, honey but you have to."

"Was it hard to see Ted and Blake all the time?"

"At first it was, but it got easier. It even began to hurt less and less. But, Justin, Teddy wasn't the great love of my life. I mean I loved him, but not the way you love Brian, or even the way I loved Georgie."

"I'm so scared that I'll never get over him. How do I go on without him? He's all I know. I still love him, Emmett."

"And you always will. Nothing will ever change that. You just have to find something that gets you through the day."

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