Scattered Ashes
Part one
Warnings: THIS IS NOT YOUR MOTHER'S BJ FIC. THIS FIC DEALS WITH ISSUES OF BREAKING UP AND TRYING TO SURVIVE A RELATIONSHIP THAT YOU AREN'T SURE YOU CAN EVER GET OVER. MOST IMPORTANTLY IT IS ABOUT A LOVE THAT YOU FEEL SO PASSIONATLY THAT EVEN WHEN YOU ARE APART YOU KNOW THAT SOMEDAY, SOMEHOW YOU WILL FIND YOUR WAY HOME AGAIN.
Notes: this is something I wrote
for me and felt compelled to share. I hope that in your life you have all
found a love like this and are able to find your way home again. Thanks to
Misty for always being my biggest supporter, without you I would be nothing.
To Cindy for your hardwork reading these and making sure it sounds ok. To
Thea for being a constant source of joy and beauty in my life. And especially
to my very own BK...though the road has been hard and rocky somehow our love
survives. I love you with all that I am and all that I have. And I will love
you until the end of time, no matter where you are or who you're
with.
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Brian Kinney stepped out into the glaring sun, cool and confident as always.
Sliding the dark Ralph Lauren sunglasses over his eyes, he made a beeline
for the black Corvette parked at the curb. Slipping into the soft leather
seat, he turned the ignition and sped away.
Upstairs in the loft they shared together Justin Taylor watched as his lover
drove off into the day. Brian had been awake and dressed in his usual business
suit, Armani of course. Only Justin had never seen this one before. Dark
gray, with a maroon shirt and tie, Brian was breathtakingly beautiful. His
auburn hair was just messy enough to look as if it were meant to be that
way, his hazel eyes sparkled as he smiled down at Justin holding a cup of
coffee just out of reach. Justin smiled back sleepily, wondering where Brian
was headed this morning.
"Morning, Sunshine." Brian's voice echoed through the cavernous loft, empty
of all the soft white Italian furninshings it once held.
"You're up early," Justin commented as he took Brian's hand and allowed his
lover to pull him off the bed to his feet.
Kissing the full, pouty lips of the young man standing before him, Brian
handed him the steaming cup and turned to descend the stairs to the living
room. "Busy day," he commented over his shoulder.
Justin shook his head and went to the bathroom, leaving the door slightly
ajar so he could see the bedroom as he took a piss.
He found Brian sitting on one of the two remaining chairs left in the loft
and crossed the room to sit in his lap, wrapping his arms around him and
kissing him softly.
"So what has you looking like Fashion Week in the city today?"
Brian laughed and pushed the beautiful man off of his lap. "I have a
meeting."
"With who?"
"Stockwell."
"What the fuck are you meeting with him for?" Justin watched Brian
carefully.
"No clue, Sunshine. He called and asked me to meet him in
"And you agreed?"
"Yep."
"Why?"
"Because he asked me so nicely."
"Damnit, Brian."
"What?"
"After all you gave up to make sure he didn't win and now you're going to
just go meet with him like nothing ever happened?"
Brian looked around his home, empty of everything he had once held so dear.
"Don't remind me of my moment of insanity."
"It was the smartest thing you ever did, next to taking me back that
is."
"Yeah, and I'm still getting used to that one."
"You know you love having me here. I brighten up the place."
"Don't flatter yourself, kid."
"Why are you really meeting him, Brian?"
"Because he asked me to."
"Don't sell out again, Bri."
"I never sold out, Justin. I just lost my way."
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The Peterson-Marcus household was abuzz with activity as was usual for a
Monday morning. Melanie waddled around in her bathrobe fixing breakfast for
Lindsay and Gus. She had become less active as her pregnacy advanced. She
was just days away from her due date and Lindsay worried about her being
home alone all day.
Just as Melanie sat a bowl of cinnamon raison oatmeal down in front of Gus,
Lindsay breezed in. Snatching a piece of bacon from a plate she grabbed her
coat, ready to run out the door when Melanie stopped her.
"Hey, where's my kiss?"
"Sorry, Mel. I have a meeting I'm supposed to be in in ten minutes and I
will never make it if traffic is heavy this morning."
"You are working entirely too hard, Lindz."
"This from the woman who worked 80 hour weeks just a few short months ago."
Bending down she kissed Gus, "Be a good boy today for Grandma Debbie. Mommy
loves you lambskin."
Turning to Melanie, she softened even more. "Are you going to be ok by yourself
today?"
"I'll be fine, and I won't be alone. Emmett is coming over to help me with
the nursery."
"Just think, Mel, in a few days, you'll be a mother."
"I already am a mother."
"I know, but this time you get to go through the labor and
delivery."
"Gee, thanks."
Lindsay kissed her partner's cheek and closed the door softly behind
her.
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Hunter was up before Michael and Ben and was busy pouring himself a bowl
of cereal. He had been back in school for several months now, since
he and Michael came back to town. Ben and Michael fought and won custody
of him after an old neighbor came forward and testified against Hunter's
mother.
Ben had arranged for Hunter to have counseling twice a week and it seemed
to be helping. Hunter was just starting to eat his Cocoa Puffs when Michael
came out yawning.
"Morning, Mike."
"Good Morning, Hunter. You should really eat something better than Cocoa
Puffs. Ben would have a heart attack if he saw you eating that
stuff."
"You're one to talk," Ben interrupted. Kissing Michael on the lips he slid
into the seat next to Hunter and waited for the coffee to finish
brewing.
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The boardroom was empty with the exception of Jim Stockwell and Gardner Vance.
Both men anxiously awaited Brian's arrival. They knew that if they played
their cards right they could get the ad ex back at VanGard where he
belonged.
Brian had been making waves all over town and the
"He's late," Stockwell said pacing the room.
"Just his way of showing us that he's in control."
"I wish I was as confident as you are,
"And just how can I do that?"
Both men turned towards the sound of Brian's voice and stood to shake his
hand. Brian sat down, ignoring the gesture and opened his
briefcase.
"Want to tell me what this is all about?"
"It's about your partnership here at the firm. Your contract still stands
and your job is still open."
"Sorry
"And I'm not willing to buy you out and those are the terms of your dissolution
of your partnership here."
"Then I guess you'd better call in your lawyers, 'cause you have one hell
of a fight on your hands. Oh and my attorney has already filed the paperwork
to start the proceedings. I brought you a copy." Brian handed
"Sounds like you're in for a lengthy battle there,
"Don't get so cocky, Jim. You're named too."
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Emmett let himself into the artistically decorated house and headed straight
for the sounds coming from the kitchen. Gus was crying and it appeared that
Melanie was as well when he pushed open the door. Picking Gus up, he kissed
his soft head and held him close. Worry consumed him as he noticed Melanie's
pale face.
"Mel, what's wrong?"
"My water broke."
"Well it's ok I'll clean it up and get you another glass. There's no reason
to cry."
"Not that kinda water, Em."
Emmett paled and stammered, "You mean... your... water..."
"Yes, Em, I'm in labor."
"Oh my, Miss Melly, I don't know nothin' 'bout birthin no babies."
"For the love of God, Emmett, is everything a movie to you? Call Debbie and
ask her to pick Gus up at the hospital and phone Lindsay at work to meet
us there. Oh and I guess you need to call Michael too."
Emmett rushed about doing the things that Mel had directed him to do and
then grabbed her bag and put her in the front seat and Gus in his car seat.
Speeding off down the street, he held onto Melanie's hand as she panted through
the contractions.
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Justin picked up the ringing phone expecting it to be Daphne or his mom.
It took him a minute to understand the panicky man on the other end of the
line.
"Justin, did you hear me?"
"Who is this?"
"It's Michael. Is Brian there?"
"No, he had a meeting this morning. What's wrong? You sound like you've just
been attacked by rabid dogs."
"Melanie's in labor."
"Well you know, Mikey, women have been giving birth since Adam and
Eve."
"You know, the longer you're with him the more you sound just like him. Could
you just call him and ask him to come to the hospital?"
"Yeah, I guess I could do that. Now take a deep breath, Mikey and call a
cab. I don't want you riding that damn bike of yours over there, you just
may kill yourself."
"Fuck you."
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"Brian Kinney."
"Hey, baby. How was your meeting?"
"As well as could be expected."
"Well hold onto your jockstrap 'cause your day is just starting to get better.
Melanie is in labor."
"Oh God, SuperDyke is pushing out the spawn of Zephyor. I'll be home in five
minutes and you can fill me in then."
"Gotcha."
"Hey, Sunshine."
"Yeah?"
"Later."
"Later, Bri."
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Lindsay walked in to find Melanie sweating and screaming for drugs. Emmett
sat at the side of the bed silently crying. He looked up and smiled gratefully
that Lindsay was finally there.
"Oh, thank God above. I am not meant to see these kinds of things, Lindz.
I'm not strong like you. I gotta go." He kissed her cheek and rushed out
of the door without even giving Lindsay a chance to speak.
Lindsay pressed a light kiss to her partner's head and fed her ice chips.
Melanie was not the most feminine of women and this was going to be a long
day. For once since Mel's second tri-mester, Lindsay wished that she had
convinced her not to have a baby.
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Brian and Justin walked hand-in-hand into the hospital. Neither man wanted
to be there, much less have to listen to Melanie bitch and complain, but
Michael needed his best friend. That was one Justin still hadn't figured
out. Just what was it that Michael needed Brian to do, hold his hand
while he pushed the baby out himself?
They had just sat down next to Emmett when a very handsome man came over
smiling at Brian. "Excuse me, don't I know you?"
Justin answered for his lover, "No, I don't think that you do." Turning back
towards Emmett he sent out a strong message of 'keep away he's mine' by the
hand he placed possessively on Brian's thigh.
"No, I'm sure that I do," he said in a heavy Italian acccent. "You are Brian
Kinney, no?"
"Yeah, that would be me, but I'm sure I would remember you if we had met."
The man was just what Brian normally went for in a fuck, tall, dark, and
a body made for fucking all night. The pinch on his inner thigh sent his
smile scampering off into the sunset. "Ow."
Justin shot Brian a dirty look as the other man sat down next to his lover.
"I'm Anthony Mollanaro. I believe you did a campaign for my brother's shoe
company."
"Ah, yes I remember now. So what brings you back to the Pitts?"
"Ah, my partner and I were on a fishing trip when he fell and broke his arm.
Then his wife went into labor so here I am stuck in hell."
"So sad to hear it," Justin said dramatically rolling his eyes.
Brian shot Justin a look of anger and turned his attention back to Anthony.
Emmett and Justin watched as Brian leaned closer to the man to talk quietly
with him. MIchael rushing out of Melanie's room interrupted the
converstation.
"A boy. Michael Jr. I'm a father," he said and promptly passed out cold on
the floor.
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Justin walked in to find Melanie holding her son. Both mother and son looked
sleepy and cried out. Lindsay bussed his cheek softly before he sat down
beside Melanie.
"He sure is handsome, Mel."
"Thanks, sweety. You're his first visitor. Would you like to hold
him?"
"Really?"
"Of course." Melanie handed her son to Justin and watched with pride as her
boy smiled up at the handsome man holding him.
Justin kissed his soft head gently and smiled back at the little boy in his
arms. "Welcome to the world JR."
"He's named another of our kids," Lindsay whispered to her partner and both
smiled in each other's embrace.
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Justin wandered Liberty Aveunue in a daze. He knew in his soul that something
was wrong, that somehow he was losing Brian. Anthony had become a permant
part of Brian's life and it irritated Justin immensly. They seemed to have
everything in common. Everything except that Anthony did not have a boyfriend
and Brian did. More and more everyday Justin felt like an outsider in his
own home. He knew it was only a matter of days, weeks maybe before Brian
and Anthony slept together.
Justin stopped at the small jewelry store he frequented and browsed the necklaces
and bracelets. Brian's birthday was in a week and he had wanted to get him
something special. As he glanced through the glass cases a small silver chain
with a pendant caught his eye. He couldn't quite make out what it was and
asked Frank, the salesman for a closer look.
Running the chain through his fingers he nodded that he would take it and
scribbled a small inscription to be added to the back of the pendant. As
he was leaving a small siver rattle caught his eye and he instantly thought
of JR. After paying for it and inscribing it with 'Love Brian and Justin'
and the date of his birth he headed out the door.
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Brian sat at his desk looking through files without even seeing them. His
mind was on Justin. His mind was always on Justin lately. He didn't want
to hurt him, not for anything in the world. The last seven months had been
hard on them both, but on Justin especially. Anthony had become a very good
friend and he was attracted to him.
Anthony made no secret about his feelings for Brian. Anthony had told him
just the night before that he was in love with him. Brian hadn't responded
but didn't resist the kiss that came next either. Now he felt guilty. Something
he hadn't ever really felt before.
Running a hand through his hair, he closed his eyes and thought about the
last seven months. He hadn't planned it, but somehow he and Justin had drifted
apart. They never talked anymore, and it was mostly his fault. He was always
working or off with Anthony. Justin was at school or the diner and their
schedules never seemed to coinside anymore.
Brian missed Justin, a lot at first, but as the months drifted by he started
to get used to his partner not being there. Besides Anthony was always available
when he needed someone to talk to.
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Anthony waited impatiently for the elevator to stop on Brian's floor. He
hadn't seen him all day and missed Brian fiercely. He'd told him the previous
night that he was in love with him. Brian hadn't said much, but the kiss
they shared said more than words ever could. He knew that Brian was involved
with the blond kid, uh, Justin, yes, that was his name.
Anthony didn't consider Justin an osbtacle to his blossoming relationship
with Brian Kinney. He always got what he wanted.
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Emmett sat across from his best friend, waiting for him to spill what had
him in such a funk. After several minutes of silence, he pressed the
issue.
"Wanna tell me what's wrong there, Sunshine?"
"Nothing."
"God you can't lie worth a fuck. Let me guess, Brian? What'd the insensitive
asshole do now?"
"He didn't do anything that I know of. I'm sorry Em, I'm just confused I
guess."
"Confused about what?"
"Anthony."
"You mean that Italian with the fake accent that's been hanging around since
JR was born? What the hell are you worried about him for?"
"Because he seems to have all of Brian's attention lately. Do you know that
Brian and I haven't had sex in two weeks?"
"Holy Shit, honey, this is serious. Two weeks of no sex for Brian is like
a death sentence."
"Thanks, that's just what I needed to hear."
Debbie interrupted before Emmett could apologize. "What's the long face for,
Sunshine?"
"It's Brian," Emmett answered, recieving a nasty look from Justin. Debbie
slid into the booth next to Justin and wrapped him in her arms until he struggled
for breath.
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Anthony strode past Cynthia straight into Brian's office with a blanket over
his arm and a picnic basket in his hand. "Hello, handsome."
Brian looked up, surprised to find Anthony standing over his desk looking
devestatingly handsome. "Anthony, what are you doing here?"
"I've come to rescue you from the boredom of work. I have all of the things
that you aren't supposed to love but do. Fried Chicken, potato salad, chips
and beer. So, what do you say?"
"He can't. Brian you have a meeting with Eyeconics in an hour and the boards
need proofing." Cynthia left the office door open behind her and stepped
aside for the tall Italian to leave the way he came.
"And who the hell are you?"
"I'm his assistant, and you are?" Cynthia was shooting daggers at him and
immediatly thought of the old Jamaican lady down the hall from her. She wondered
just what she would need to make a voodoo doll to torture this self-assured
asshole.
"Cynthia, this is Anthony, a friend of mine. Now could you please go get
those boards set up in the conference room for me and I'll be there in a
few moments."
Cynthia hated the way he dismissed her but quietly went out to do what he
asked, shooting him a dirty look before closing the door, making sure to
leave it open just a crack.
Brian turned to Anthony and smiled apologetically. "Sorry about that, she's
a little territorial sometimes."
"She's a bitch."
"She can be at times but I couldn't survive without her. Not that I'd ever
tell her that." Brian's laughter sent chills down Anthony's spine and he
felt his groin tighten against his linen pants. "Listen, can I take a raincheck
on the picnic?"
"Sure, but don't forget that all work and no play makes Brian a dull
boy."
"And all play and no work makes Brian a poor man," Brian laughed. He stood
to walk Anthony out and was instantly drawn into a kiss. Giving in to the
sensations that coursed through him, he pulled him closer, pressing hard
against him so that he could feel his hardness.
Cynthia stole a quick glance into Brian's office and shook her head at what
her boss was doing. She stormed off back down the hall and let her anger
brew as she waited for him.
A few minutes later Brian came into the conference room and she let him have
it. "What the hell are you doing, Brian?"
"Getting ready for my meeting." Brian was doing his best to avoid an inquisition.
Cynthia was a good friend and at the moment he just wanted to enjoy the kiss
he had just shared with Anthony, not listen to her bitch.
"Very funny, asshole. What about Justin?"
"What about him?"
Cynthia followed him out of the room and down to his office, pulling the
door shut behind her. She grabbed the silver framed picture of Justin from
his desk and threw it at him. "What about him? The man you love, your partner
of the last seven months? You sulked for six months when he left you for
that fucking fiddler, then when he came back you were so happy. I've never
seen you so happy. How can you just throw that all away on some piece of
shit?"
"That's enough, Cynthia. Anthony is my friend and I will not tolerate your
bad mouthing him."
"It looked to me like he was more than just a friend, or do you kiss all
your friends like that, Brian?" She walked to the door and turned back to
face him just before opening the door to leave. "Just remember that one of
these days you're going to wake up and realize that Justin is the one you
love and want and when you go home to tell him, he's not going to be sitting
there waiting for you. Then what will you do, Brian? What are you going to
do when you've hurt him so much that he can't ever forgive you?"
Brian was left with the sound of her heels clicking down the hallway as she
left his office.
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Justin walked quietly into the empty loft and looked for any clue that Brian
had been home. It was late and he was tired and just wanted to fall asleep
in Brian's arms. Taking the steps up to the bedroom, he glanced at the perfectly
made bed and knew that Brian hadn't been home at all yet. Two a.m. and his
lover was nowhere to be found.
Fighting back tears, he grabbed a blanket from the closet and headed to the
couch. Justin couldn't bear to sleep in an empty bed one more night. This
was becoming a habit, Brian not being home when he got there and him falling
asleep on the couch only to wake to a note from Brian in the morning. They
needed to talk and they needed to do it now.
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Brian sat on the leather couch in Anthony's loft and thought about how much
it reminded him of his a year ago. He loved the clean lines and modern feel.
He had so much in common with Anthony and found himself feeling things he
had only ever felt before with Justin. Brian was scared, of what he wasn't
sure, but he was definitely scared.
Anthony handed him another glass of wine and sat next to him, his hand on
Brian's thigh. Brian could see his cock straining against the black
leather of his pants and wanted to touch him. They hadn't fucked yet, but
both men knew it was only a matter of time before it happened.
Anthony had been understanding about his relationship with Justin and hadn't
pressured him for anything. He enjoyed being with Anthony, sometimes more
than he enjoyed his time with Justin. Lately he hadn't spent anytime with
Justin. One of them was always working, or Justin was at school. They had
been drifting further and further apart and Brian wasn't sure if they could
ever find their way back.
Anthony leaned over and kissed Brian's full lips, softly at first, pressing
for entrance. Brian opened himself up to the man and closed his mind
to thoughts of Justin Taylor.
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Two days later Brian slid open the door to the loft to find Justin sitting
on the floor waiting for him. He had fallen asleep with his back against
the steel beam and Brian sat down next to him, kissing him softly on the
lips. Justin woke slowly and allowed himself to be carried up the stairs
to the bedroom.
Brian laid him softly on the bed and slowly undressed him, leaving a trail
of hot kisses on his body as he removed his clothing. Justin moaned in pleasure
at the feel of Brian's hands and lips on his body. Once Justin was naked,
Brian quickly stepped out of his own clothes and straddled his lover. Leaning
down he kissed him slowly, passionatly, until both men were desperate for
air. Breaking apart for only a moment, Brian kissed him again.
His hands caressed Justin's silky skin, massaging and teasing with every
touch. Justin's cock grew harder with every caress and he arched his back
just to feel Brian's skin against the leaking head of his dick. A deep moan
escaped him only to be lost in the kiss and Brian's movements
intensified.
Justin's hands wove through Brian's hair pulling him impossibly closer and
holding him tightly against him. When their bodies made full contact, it
was almost explosive. It had been weeks since they had been together in this
way and neither man could get enough of the other.
Justin reached out and stroked his partner's cock. Brian pushed him away
and pulled his legs over his shoulders. Rolling a condom down his thick shaft
he squirted lube on the latex and his lover's hole and pushed deep inside.
He was desperate to be one with Justin and Justin met every thrust with equal
urgency. Brian never broke the kiss until both men climaxed together.
Brian rolled off of Justin reluctantly and pulled him into his embrace and
listened as his breathing calmed. Closing his eyes he knew in his heart that
this was goodbye.
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Justin waited until Brian headed for the bathroom before getting dressed
and going downstairs. Tonight had to be the night and he was determined to
settle this once and for all. He just wasn't so sure that he was going to
have the strength to say goodbye to Brian forever.
Brian showered and shaved before heading downstairs. He had tried everything
to delay the inevitable but now he had to face the truth, a truth that stood
to destroy someone he loved deeply.
He found Justin sitting on the couch, staring at a blackend television screen
and sat down next to him, taking his hand in his own and pressing it to his
lips. Justin looked up at him with tear filled sapphire eyes full of sorrow.
Brian's heart broke further, knowing that he was the one to cause such pain
in those eyes he loved so much. Justin was the first to speak.
"Do you love him?" he choked out hoarsly.
"I don't know how to answer that," Brian stammered.
"A simple NO would be a great start."
"It's more complicated than that, Justin."
"Either you love him or you don't, Brian. When we made love, it wasn't me
you made love to. It was Anthony. You were thinking of him, weren't
you?"
"No."
"Don't lie to me, Brian. I can take anything but your lies."
"It's complicated Justin. I don't know how to explain it to you."
"Do you love him?"
"Until I met you, I never even knew love existed. Until you I thought I was
uncapable of love."
"And now?"
"Is it possible to love two people and love them in completly different
ways?"
"No. You have to decide who you want. Me or him? I won't be used any more
and I won't let you hurt me. I love you. And if that means I have to let
you go then I will. But you have to tell me the truth do you love
him?"
"Yes," Brian said in barely a whisper before standing and heading upstairs
to pack.