Part 5

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I read the words on the page and for some reason I could not let myself feel the joy I longed for. He was waiting there for me to say anything. I looked at Brian and a sadness washed over me before I stood. I put my hand on his cheek and wiped away a tear that slid silently down. With a sad smile I turned and walked to the door.  Just before leaving I turned back to face him one last time.

"I'm sorry Brian, I just can't." I opened the door and left him in silence.

It's been two days since I left and I need to see him. I need to tell him why I did what I did. I find myself standing outside his door waiting for him to answer with my heart in my throat.

"What do you want?" he asked when he found me standing there.

"I just want to explain. May I come in?" I waited for him to move aside, but he didn't.

"Save it. I offered you want you wanted and you left. Enough said, I understand."

"That wasn't how it was Brian. Just let me explain. Please?"

He moved aside and I went inside his sanctuary. Everything still looked the same, somehow I thought it would be different today. I looked around the room , searching, for what I wasn't sure.

"I'm alone."

"I wasn't looking for tricks Brian. I just want to remember this."

"Why are you here? You said it all two days ago when you said nothing."

"Just give me a chance to tell you why."

"Knock yourself out," he said sitting down at the counter picking up his drink.

"Brian I love you. That hasn't changed."

"Well isn't that just great."

"Brian please. What you offered me was exactly what I thought I wanted, but now I'm not so sure. I just need time to figure out where I need to be, where I want my life to go. Things were so simple before Ethan. I wanted you to love me. Now you say you do, hell you offered him thousands of dollars to leave me alone. But your money can't fix this. This is my problem now and I have to deal with it."

"And what exactly is the problem?"

"Me. I'm the problem. Brian I just can't figure out what I'm doing. Ever since I got hit in the head with that bat my life has been spinning out of control. I need some time to myself. Do you understand that?"

"No. I want you here with me Justin. I am offering you everything you ever said you wanted. And now that isn't good enough. What do you want me to do?  I can't turn back time and make it so you don't get bashed. Even I'm not that good."

"I just want you to wait for me. I want to know that you'll be here when I figure it all out."

"I can't do that. It's all or nothing Justin."

"Then I guess I have no choice. I choose NOTHING."

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I watched him walk back into my loft and my heart leapt at the sight of him standing there. But something told me that this would not end the way I wanted. I wanted Justin.

He told me he loved me and I should have been happy to hear that but I knew it wasn't forever. His eyes seemed so distant. This was not the same Justin I knew a year ago. This Justin seemed sadder somehow. This Justin seemed lost. And I was so scared that I would never find the old Justin again.

He all but begged me to help him justify his actions but I knew that if I tried to save him this time I would lose him forever. So I had to let him go.

He asked me to wait for him. God how I wanted to wait. I would have waited forever for Justin. But this wasn't my Justin. This Justin was someone neither of us knew.

So I told him, "I can't do that. It's all or nothing Justin."

He chose nothing and walked out without looking back. My heart broke and I slumped shattered against the door. I kept telling myself I had to let him go. This was what was best for him. He had so many demons to deal with and he had to do it on his own. I couldn't fix it for him this time.

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I can't believe he just let me leave without a fight. Maybe Ethan was right and I wasn't worth fighting for. I was just so confused. Everything that has happened since Hobbs took away my life makes no sense. Maybe that’s why I went with Ethan. Maybe in time Brian could forgive me for what I was about to do. I left without saying goodbye to him.

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I went to Daphne's to tell him that I had changed my mind only to find him gone. He had really left. Justin Taylor was gone. Maybe forever.

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