I Want You to Know
Part 9
A special THANK YOU to the irreplaceable and sensational Paul McCartney for the beautiful words that inspired me to actually write Brian's note......
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I walked into the loft, unsure of just how I was going to break the
news to my lover. I didn't want to break his heart again and I knew that
this was something that could destroy us if we let it. I found him asleep
on my bed and I delayed the inevitable for just a while longer while I watched
him sleep. He was so beautiful, a blonde, blue eyed man-boy. He would always
be young and beautiful to me. My heart filled with the love I felt for this
man. He had captured my heart and was a part of my soul. I never dreamt I
could ever feel such love for someone, but it was Justin who made me realize
that life wasn't worth living without love.
He woke to find me staring at him, and laughed at me. I raised an eyebrow
at him and he laughed harder, until I jumped on the bed tickling him until
he begged for mercy.
"What has you in such a playful mood?" he asked me unaware of how I
was about to destroy our happiness.
"You. Only you baby. I
love you Justin," I said serious all of a sudden. He looked at me
questioningly.
"What's wrong, honey?"
"Everything. I don't know how to tell you
this without hurting you. But just remember that I love you
Justin."
"I love you too Brian, and whatever it is we'll get through it together.
You're scaring me so spill it before my mind makes up even worse things than
it already has."
"I have to leave for
"WHAT!?!"
I couldn't look at him, it was too hard. "You heard me
right, I leave at ten tomorrow morning."
"Why?"
"Well it appears Sony is shopping and they told Gardner that the only
way they will go with VanGard is if I come to their
home office and spend time getting the feel of the company. They requested
me personally and said it was a deal breaker. This could be my stepping stone
to Senior Partner."
I hesitantly looked up at him, begging him with my eyes not to be mad
at me. I could see the emotions that were coursing through him and it wasn't
good. I took his hand in mine and kissed it. I could sense his sadness and
tried to reassure him.
"Justin, this isn't going to change anything. I love you and nothing's
going to change that, ever."
He looked at me with tears in his eyes and I thought for sure I had
lost him again. "I love you too Brian, but this really is not the best time
for you to be halfway around the world. I mean we just got back together
and we're still working through all of the bullshit. Your mom just died,
and what about Gus, are you just going to leave him?"
"Justin it's business, I have to go, I've
worked my whole life for this. For Christ’s sake Justin, Sony wants
ME! Do you know how important that is? This could make me."
"It's always about business with you isn't it? Where do I fit in? Or
do I?" He stood and walked away from me, grabbing his jacket and slamming
the door behind him. I sat on that chair for hours, tears streaming
down my face. I
jumped when the phone
rang, grabbing it hoping it was Justin. It was a bittersweet feeling when
I heard Thea on the other end.
"Hi
babydoll." I said sadly, trying
to hide the tears.
"Hi Brian, what's wrong?"
She could always sense when I was upset, but I tried to lie to her
anyway. "Nothings wrong princess."
"Brian why are you sad?" She wasn't letting me lie to
her, she always made me face the truth.
"Justin and I had a fight, it's nothing you
should worry about. Tell me about school and how you're doing."
I spent another hour on the phone with her and it cheered me up
immensely.
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Thea hung up the phone with
Brian and immediately asked her mommy to call Justin. When she got Justin
on the phone, she filled him in on Brian's mood.
"Justin, you need to go to Brian. Make him happy again."
Justin thought about what she was saying for a moment before answering.
"Why should I?"
"Because you love him, and he's sad."
"Will you leave me alone if I go talk to him?"
"YEP!"
"Fine I'll go. By the way, I love you too
Thea."
Justin hung up the phone and slid out the door without Ben or Michael
knowing. He knocked on Brian's door, not wanting to just let himself in.
Brian opened the door surprised to see him standing there, but moving aside
to let him in. Once inside Justin took note of the luggage that lined the
wall next to the door, and braced himself for the reality of Brian
leaving.
"I'm going to miss you, you know that right?"
"Yeah, I know, but not as much as I'll miss you. So why'd you come
back?"
"Thea forced me. She wouldn't leave me alone
until I promised to come make you happy again. So here I
am, did it work?"
"Kiss me and let me find out."
Justin looked at Brian like he had lost his mind and then said what
the hell and kissed him. Their bodies seemed to melt together, tongues dancing,
hands roaming, cocks growing. Justin hated to think that this
kiss could be goodbye, and pulled away abruptly looking up into his lover's
dark passion filled hazel eyes and reached out a hand to trace the outline
of his lover's jaw. He ran his thumb over Brian's lips, and Brian snaked
his tongue out to lick the digit before sucking it in. Justin watched his
lover with a sad feeling building in his heart.
"Brian, I don't want you to go. I want you here with me, where you
belong."
Brian stopped and stood watching the blonde fight the tears that threatened
to spill from his beautiful blue eyes. "Justin, I don't want to go either,
but I have to. I hate knowing that I have caused you such
pain, I love you so much more than you could ever
know. Please don't hate me baby. I couldn't live with myself if I knew that
I broke your heart again."
"I know you have to go, I know you love me and I know it's killing
you to leave me here, but that doesn't make it any easier. I love you, you
know that, and I'll miss you like fucking mad, and you know that too." Justin
let the tears fall unchecked as he stood before his lover.
"Justin baby, I won't be gone forever and as soon as I'm settled you
can come for a visit. We'll spend countless hours checking out the sights
of
Justin laughed at Brian's last comment, "I could never be sick of you
honey. I'll be ok, and so will you. We'll be fine. No matter what, our love
is strong and nothing and no one will keep us apart for long."
Taking him in his arms Brian kissed the top of his head, "You sound
like a Hallmark card. But you're right, we're strong, nothing can break us.
I love you baby."
"I love you too."
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He spent the night with me on my last night in the Pitts, and we made
love over and over, every time better than the last. He agreed to stay in
the loft while I was gone and he even accepted the jeep to drive around town
in, it didn't take much convincing actually. The gang stopped by sometime
after dinner and we all hung out one last time. Lindsay and Debbie cried
of course, and Michael tried to be brave. Emmett promised to keep an eye
on my baby, I don't know if I should trust that queen or not.
It was finally time to leave for the airport and I took one last look
around my home for the last ten years. Shutting the door on my past, I stepped
out into my future, a future that didn't even have Justin in the same time
zone as me. We rode in silence to the airport, holding hands, not wanting
to break the contact for even a second. He walked me to the security checkpoint
where we had to say our goodbyes.
He held me close and I hugged him tight, not wanting to let him go.
When I finally pulled back an empty feeling took over. I looked at him with
tears coating my lashes and said a final goodbye to him.
"Justin, man I didn't realize this would be this hard, to say goodbye
to you, it's probably the hardest thing I could ever do. I love you baby.
God I love you. I am going to miss you so much."
"Brian don't, don't say goodbye to me. It's not goodbye, it's only
see you later. There will never be a goodbye for us. I love you too. Now
get out of here before I decide that I'm not strong enough to let you
go."
One final kiss and I left him standing there without looking back for
fear that *I* would not be strong enough to leave him. I settled into my
seat and let the tears flow unchecked, my mind flashing back over all our
moments together.
I had called in a favor last night while he was
sleeping, something I hoped would help make it a
little easier on him today. Right about now he would
be getting home and getting it.
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Justin walked into the loft all alone, and looked around at how empty
it looked without all of Brian's things. He walked to the windows and looked
out over the city, a city that Brian was no longer in. Moving to the bedroom,
he spied a small package on the bed with a card with his name on it. Opening
the card he read the words written in Brian's handwriting.
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J
I miss you, I love you. I wanted to give you something for being so
understanding and so strong. I know it hasn't been easy to love me, hell
it isn't easy to be me. I just wanted to let you know how much you mean to
me. I love you baby. I hope you like it.
B
'My love
And when I go away
I know my heart can stay with my love
It's understood
It's in the hands of my love,
And my love does it good.
My love does it good.
And when the cupboard's bare
I'll still find something there with my love
It's understood
It's everywhere with my love,
And my love does it good.
My love does it good.
I love, my love,
Only my love holds the other key to me,
Oh my love, oh my love
Only my love does it good to me.
My love does it good.
Don't ever ask me why
I never say goodbye to my love
It's understood
It's everywhere with my love,
And my love does it good,
My love does it good.
I love my love,
Only my love does it good to me.'
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Justin opened the package to find a copy of The Yellow Submarine
autographed by Paul McCartney. He smiled to himself as he slid it into the
VCR to watch. He couldn't wait until Brian called tomorrow
and fell asleep wearing one of his lover's wife beaters, curled up in his
spot on the bed and dreamt of Brian.
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I dialed his number, not quite sure of the time in Pittsburgh but not
really caring, I needed to hear his voice, to know he loved me. He answered
on the sixth ring and sounded sleepy.
"Hello?"
"Hey Sunshine, miss me yet?"
"Damn right I do." he answered instantly awake. "I love
you."
"I love you too baby. How are things going? Are you all moved into
the loft yet?"
"I finished moving in the last of my stuff today, with Emmett and Teddy's
help. It just doesn't feel like home yet."
"And why is that?"
"You're not here."
I smiled to myself at that and I missed him even more. "I have a surprise
arriving for you tomorrow afternoon, you need to
pick it up at the airport at
"Brian, you have already given me enough."
"There is no such thing as enough baby. Besides
I think you'll love this one even more than the first one. So don't be
late."
"Can I get a hint? Is it bigger than a bread box? Is it
alive?"
"YES and Yes. But no more, you'll just have to be there at
"I love you too, and Brian?"
"Yeah?"
"Promise you won't find some hot young Japanese hunk to replace
me."
"No one could ever take your place. I love
you, BYE."
I hung up then and went back to work.
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Justin barely made his therapy session and Joshua seemed angry at him
for some reason, that is until Justin let it slip that Brian was out of town
for an extended period of time.
"So, you're all alone in that big loft?" Joshua asked with an evil
smile in his eyes.
"Not really alone, the gang stops by all the time and my mom is always
stopping by to check on me. Besides Brian calls every night to tell me he
loves me."
"It isn't the same though is it? I bet it gets lonely at night for
you."
"Joshua, I've told you that I love Brian. We're in a committed relationship
and nothings going to change that."
"So you've said."
An hour later Justin was at the airport waiting for his surprise to
arrive and was about to leave when he heard her voice.
"Hi Justin."
"THEA? Honey what are you doing here? Where's your
mom?"
"I'm your surprise, Brian sent me here to make you happy."
Justin picked her up in a big hug and kissed her through his tears.
She giggled when his five o'clock shadow tickled her neck. Setting her down
Justin looked around for Julie. Not seeing her he questioned
Thea.
"Where is your mom?"
"She didn't come. Brian had a nice lady named Cynthia come and get
me. She likes Brian a lot and thinks you're good for him."
"Come on baby, let's get your things and go home and call your mommy
and let her know you're safe."
They called Julie and let her know that Thea
was safe and sound and they discussed the arrangements Brian had made. After
the call Justin made dinner for the two of them and then they sat and talked
for a bit. As he was tucking her into the bed for the night
Thea asked Justin for a favor.
"Justin, will you do something for me?"
"Of course I will."
"Will you paint my picture for my mommy? I want her to have it when
I die so she won't forget me."
"Honey, she won't forget you, but of course I will. I love you
Thea, good night."
Justin cut off the light and waited for Brian's call.
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