Part 74

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Emmett's POV

I watched Brian and Justin face the fact that their daughter was going to die for two months before I intervened. They'd basically destroyed their marriage and I'd had enough.

Justin blamed Brian for not insisting that Sascha take the treatments and Brian, in true Kinney fashion, took the blame willingly.

What Justin didn't see was how devastated Brian was over her decision. Being Justin's best friend I spent a lot of time around their house trying to comfort him and just give him a break from it all. In the process I got to see the pain in Brian's eyes everytime he looked at his partner.

I know Brian thinks of me as a sillly fairy, but I'm a hell of a lot smarter than he thinks. I wanted to help him. I wanted to ease his pain and I knew that the only person who could do that blamed him.

I remember one night I was sitting on the couch with Justin when Brian walked in looking like he hadn't slept in days and Justin didn't even acknowledge his presence. I swear to you I could hear his heart breaking. I wanted to slap some sense into Justin and tell him that he was ruining his marriage and if he didn't stop it soon he was not only going to lose Brian, but he was going to kill him.

Two nights later I followed Brian to Babylon. I stayed across the bar from him just so I could watch him unnoticed for a bit. I'd had my suspicions that he was slipping back into his old pain management routine and that scared me. IF he were tricking then things were completely out of control.

I stayed for two hours and not once did he head for the backroom and he brushed off all suitors. I had just stepped out the door when I felt a hand on my shoulder. Turning I was stunned to find his hazel-gold eyes staring back at me.

"Are you satisfied?"

"Brian, it's not what you think. I just wanted to make sure that you were okay."

"Okay? I don't think I'll ever be okay again. So run on back and tell Sunshine that I was a good little faggot."

"Justin doesn't know I'm here. I'm worried about you Brian. You should be at home with your partner and your daughter. They need you."

"Sunshine's made it painfully clear that he doesn't give a fuck if I'm there or not."

"He's hurting Bri. He's hurting and he doesn't know how to deal with that pain. You of all people have to understand that."

"She's my daughter too." His voice was barely a whisper and it hit me that he needed understanding just as much as Justin.

I wasn't sure what I should do or say to him. It's hard with Brian because he's never let anyone in, except for Justin and now he didn't even have him.  I wanted to hug him close and tell him it would all be okay, but I didn't dare. The Brian I know and love would rather be dead than admit he needs someone and he'd probably knock my nelly little ass out if I dare try.

So, I just stood back and let him see that I wasn't going anywhere. He did that little sigh thing that he does when he isn't so sure about himself and ran his hands through his hair and over his face. I swear I felt like I was watching a movie. His eyes gave it all away and I could just feel the pain flowing through him. I did the only thing I could, I offered him myself.

"Come on, let's go."

"I'm not going home, Em."

"Who said I'm taking you home? Now come on, my car is just across the street."

I half expected him to tell me to fuck off, so I just turned and walked away without looking back. Reaching the car, I unlocked the passenger side and opened the door for him. He surprised me by sliding in without any arguement.

We drove in silence and I could see his surprise when I pulled up in front of my old apartment with Michael. I'd bought it not long after Michael and Ben moved out and whenever life got to be too much I came here to think.  No one knew about it so I knew that noone would interrupt us. I got out without waiting for him and unlocked the door letting myself in and holding the door for him.

Neither of us said a word until I'd shut the door to the apartment behind us. I grabbed two beers and handed one to him before sitting down. We just sat in silence for awhile but eventually he opened up.

"I don't know what to do Em. Justin's barely speaking to me, Sascha's time is quickly slipping away and I'm the bad guy here."

"Noone blames you Bri."

"Justin does. I see it in his eyes everytime he looks at me. He blames me and I blame myself. He's right, I should've made her fight."

"You can't make someone live Brian. Believe it or not, you are NOT God.  You're human, and you're hurting and it's okay."

"He told me that I'm not her father."

I listen to his shaky voice and I watch him fight back the tears he's been holding in for way too long and I'm not sure that this was such a good idea.  I don't know if I can help him or even if he's willing to accept my help, but it's too late by then and I just do my best.

"Brian, he was upset, you can't take it to heart when he's upset. That was the pain talking."

"He's right, Em. I'm not her father. I have no biological connection to her at all. I'm nothing."

"You're her father, Bri. Just as much as Justin. You helped raise her and she loves you. Nothing can change that."

What he says next breaks my heart and to be honest I never expected to ever hear him say these things to me.

"I'm scared, Em. The thought of her dying terrifies me. More than that. I feel my heart being ripped out and I just feel so empty inside. And what hurts most is that I can't share that with Justin. He needs me to be strong for him and I swear I want to be what he needs but I can't. I just can't."

I just sit and let him talk. There are no words to comfort him now, all he needs is my understanding.

"I'm so afraid of losing him and her both. It's hard enough to just sit back and watch her slowly die but to know that Justin hates me for letting it happen is more than I can bare. I miss him. I miss the feel of him next to me at night. I miss the warmth of his breath on my chest first thing in the morning. I miss the smell of him that lingers on me all day, even after I shower. I miss his smile, you know the one that lights up the whole fucking room. I want to be the one to make him smile. I want him to know how much I hurt and that even if I have no biological connection to her, I still love her as if she came right out of me."

I watch him pacing the room and I can just feel his pain and I wish I had words to give him. I wish I could tell him that it would all be okay in the end but I honestly don't know if it will. I want to believe that what they have together is strong enough to get them through anything but I'm not sure if it will survive this. They've had so many trials and tribulations in their lives together and no one knows when something is too much.

This is probably the hardest thing they will ever deal with and it could destroy them if they let it. He should be telling this to Justin, not me but I understand why he can't. He's right, Justin looks to him for strength. I swear I think he gets his own strength from Brian and vice versa sometimes.  For as long as I can remember it's always been Brian and Justin.

Brian stops pacing and just stares out the window and by the slight slouch of his shoulders and the muffled sounds I know he's crying. He turns back towards me after a few moments and I see the tears and I wish I could take his pain away if only for one second.

"What do I do Em? How do I find the strength to be what Justin needs? How do I say goodbye to my little girl, when she is far too young for me to say goodbye to? How do I help her sisters and Gus? How do I help Justin?"

"I don't know, Brian."

"I don't either, Em and that scares the fuck out of me more than anything."

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