I Want You to Know

Part 73

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I was lying in bed, flipping through the latest Cosmo like any good Cosmo girl should when Dad walked in looking like he'd been run over by a fucking Mac truck. I'd never ever seen him look like that before, never. To be honest it scared the hell out of me.

"Hey Princess."

"Hi Dad. What's wrong?" I really didn't want to know because today had been a good day and I didn't want it fucked up but I had to know.

"We need to talk."

"About what?"

"About your treatment."

"Dad, I finish my last round on Friday. What's there to talk about?"

I could see he didn't want to tell me, that he was scared but I just waited.

"Sascha, Dr. Essig called and asked to see Justin and I today. There were some abnormalities with one of you test results and he wanted to discuss them with us."

"Why with you? I'm an adult and this is my disease not yours, he should've come to me."

"He thought it would be easier for you to hear from us."

"Hear what? And where's Daddy? Why isn't here?"

"Your father is very upset right now and he needs some time to think."

"About what? Just tell me Dad. Get it over with, please." I hated begging but I had to know and his sugar coating it wasn't helping me at all.

"There is a new tumor, on your other ovary and the cancer has spread, sweetheart."

"AND?"

"And Dr. Essig is recommending another round of treatments but there is no guarantee that it will help."

"I won't do it. I can't do it. Not again. I don't want anymore of this poison inside of me."

"Sascha, if you don't you're going to die."

"How long?''

"Six months, max."

"Then I guess that's just enough time to say goodbye."

"Sascha, please think about this before you make a decision. There is a chance that you could take this next round and be fine. You could outlive us all."

"And there is also a chance Dad that I won't be. And I know that I'll be sick, and I'll throw up and I'll wish I were dead."

"But you have so much to live for."

I almost couldn't handle the tears I saw in his eyes. I'd never seen my dad cry before. He was always the strong one and to see him hurting almost convinced me. Almost.

"And I have time to live it. But I won't do this again."

"What about your life with Dylan? Are you willing to just give up your dreams with him?"

"I guess it won't be as long as we thought, but it will be as good."

"Sascha, please?"

"I can't Dad. You have no idea what it's like to lie here day in and day out and know that you're the pitied girl who has cancer. I don't want my life to be about blood tests and rounds of Chemo. I don't want to be the girl all the nurses know by name. I don't want to be Sascha Taylor-Kinney, Cancer Patient anymore Dad. I just want to be normal again."

"I want to eat and not throw up five minutes later. I want to go outside and not worry about catching something. I want to kiss Dylan and make love to him and be his wife. I want to me again."

"But, honey, without treatment you're going to die."

"I accept that. I'm ready."

"But I'm not."

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Justin walked into the empty house he shared with his partner and felt just as empty inside. He listened to the silence and wondered if this is what it would be like from now on. Looking around for signs of Brian, he settled for believing that at that moment his partner was somehow convincing their daughter to fight.

He took the stairs two at a time and stopped just outside of the door to Sascha's bedroom. He thought about the last time that she had been home and how sick she was. She'd been so ill that she'd only been home a few hours when she had to be rushed back to the hospital.

Slowly pushing the door open, he stepped inside the cheerfully decorated room. There were memories of her life everywhere. On her bed sat her Raggedy Ann doll that had been Lindsay's and Sascha had loved it from the moment her mother gave it to her. Her nightstand held a framed picture of her and her sisters, all five smiling and laughing as the wind blew their hair and the photographer captured their joy.

Opening her closet, Justin found a small shoe box and hesitantly opened it. Inside he found her g-string from when she'd run away and a folded piece of paper. Opening it he read the words and felt his tears flow.

This is my promise to myself to live life to the fullest and to never forget just how much I am loved.

He let himself relive those agonizing months when they didn't know where she was or if she was still alive. He'd fought so hard to bring her home only to have this dreadful disease happen to her. She'd been so strong and never complained.

He thought about the nights when she'd had to sit up in a chair to sleep because of her back pain. The doctors explained that it was due to the chemo settling in her back but still Justin worried endlessly. Then there were the days when the sores in her mouth were so bad that she couldn't even drink water without being in pain.

His little girl had suffered so much because of this disease and he almost couldn't blame her for not wanting to do it anymore. Almost.

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She said exactly what I'd expected and exactly what I'd dreaded. I'd done my best to make her see that she had so much to live for but she had already made up her mind long before she was given this news. I sat with her and listened to her arguments and they were good ones.

I couldn't blame her for not wanting to be sick anymore. I couldn't blame her for not wanting to be the "cancer patient" ever again. I couldn't even blame her for giving up because I don't know if I could've done what she's done over the last year.

She fought with grace and dignity. Yet cancer is still winning. During this most traumatic time in her life she's gained strength and an understanding of life I'm not sure I'll ever have. She also found her soul mate.

I left her with Dylan because she needed time to tell him of this latest twist in her life. And knowing him he'll sit right there holding her hand and tell her that what's she's doing is the best thing in the world.

He really does love her. I never expected to hear myself say this but I think he's good for her. I mean he's been there for her through everything. Fuck I've wanted to run screaming from the room at times and Dylan never flinched. He's been thrown up on, seen her at death's door and still he wants to marry her.

I almost envy him, because he's accepted her just as she is and he expects nothing from her. I, on the other hand, expect a lot from her. She is my daughter after all.

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Dylan sat next to Sascha and waited for her to fill him in on what the hell was going on that had her dad so upset. He could tell that both of them had been crying and something about the way Brian walked out with shoulders slumped told him that it wasn't good. He didn't say a word, just waited for her to be ready to tell him.

After what seemed like hours, Sascha sighed deeply and leaned over to kiss him. He let himself enjoy the feel of her, because he loved her and because he knew that she needed to feel loved right then. Puling away, she wiped the tears that had begun to fall and smiled sadly at him.

"Dylan, I have to tell you something. I'm sick."

"Yeah, I know that Sascha."

"No I mean they found a new tumor and there is evidence it has spread to my lymph nodes."

"What exactly does that mean?"

"It means I'm going to die."

"There has to be something they can do."

"I could have another round of chemo, but I don't want to."

"What the fuck do you mean you don't want to? This is your life we're talking about here. What did your dad say?"

"He said I should have the treatment. He said I should want to fight, but I don't Dylan. I just don't."

"Well too fucking bad. Did you honestly think I would be okay with you dying? My God, Sascha I love you. I love you. I don't want you to die."

"I know, I know."

"Honey, we have our whole lives to live, together. I want to have children with you, grow old with you."

"I'll never have children Dylan and I'm sorry but I don't think I'm going to grow old at all. I just don't want to be sick anymore. I'm tired of these drugs that make me forget everything. Do you know that I can't even remember you proposing to me? Some days I wake up and ask the nurse what day it is and I realize that I've lost a week somewhere. Do you know what that feels like?"

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Brian opened the bedroom door to find Justin fast asleep on Sascha's bed clutching her Raggedy Ann. Crossing the room, he picked his lover up and carried him down the hall to their room. Tonight he needed to feel Justin's warmth next to him. Tomorrow he would deal with the rest.

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