I Want You to Know

Part 72

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It had been two months since Dylan had proposed to Sascha and she was happier than she had ever been. Brian had a nagging feeling that something bad was about to happen, but decided to push the thought away. He and Justin were lingering over coffee, watching BJ playing when the phone rang.

Brian picked it up and his heart dropped when he heard Dr. Essig's voice. He listened in silence, with Justin hovering close behind. The doctor asked them to meet in his office later that afternoon to discuss Sascha's latest test results.

"Brian, I don't like this."

"I know, Sunshine, but we have to think positive."

"Something's not right here, he always tells us over the phone."

"Don't think that way Justin. We have to think good thoughts for Sascha." He pulled his partner close and held him tight as he tried to convince his own self that everything was going to be fine.

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I watched Justin hold back tears and knew that somehow I had to find a way to be strong for him again. The worry was evident on his face and my heart broke. This was going to be harder than I ever imagined if something really was wrong with Sascha's results.

I just held him, stroking his hair, trying to convince him that everything would be alright, when in reality I was more scared than him. After he finally tore himself away from me and left the room I let myself feel the fear.

I sank to the floor, my back against the counter and closed my eyes. I thought about Sascha. Her laughter filled this house as a little girl. She used to smile up at me with that sunshine smile and I knew that I'd give her the world if she asked for it.

I loved each of my girls, but Sascha held a special place in my heart. Justin used to say it was because even as a baby she was so much like me it was scary. Of course I told him that he was crazy because she had none of my DNA.

Of course later on in life she would prove him right. She always had this hardness about her, like she was afraid to let people in. I guess she gets that from me. Aside from Justin, no one gets into the inner workings of me. Fuck, he's lucky I relented and let him in.

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The phone call really threw me. Sascha's been doing so good and now this. I know I should listen to Brian and not jump to any conclusions but the fact is that my daughter is fighting for her life and this could be the news we've all been dreading.

I worry about what this will do to our family, but mostly I worry about how Brian will handle it. He's been so strong throughout everything but I know that when he's alone he lets himself feel. He has spent so much of his life being the strong one and now, when it's okay for him to let himself fall apart, I know he'll still be the strong silent type. I only wish he would open up and let me in.

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Brian and Justin were ushered into the doctor's office immediatly. Alone in the room, Brian ran a finger over the wooden frames holding all of the doc's diplomas. Justin fidgeted in his seat and shot Brian dirty looks that said sit down.

Just seconds after Brian took his place next to his partner the door opened and the doctor rushed in. Smiling at the men across from him, he slid his glasses on and opened the file he held in his hands.

"There were some abnormalities on Sascha's latest blood work. Enough that I ran a CT scan and the results were not what we'd hoped for. Sascha's cancer has spread. There is a new tumor on the other ovary, larger than the last one and we believe that it has spread to her lymph nodes."

"Does she know?" Brian asked a little too calmly.

"Not yet, I wanted to prepare you both for the possible outcome."

"Is she going to die, Dr. Essig?" Justin held his breath as he waited for the answer he hoped for.

"There is a good possibility. I recommend another round of chemo, and radiation this go round. But to be honest it doesn't look all that promising." The doctor paused, trying to figure out just how to broach the next part and then continued. "And there is the fact that she's made it clear that she doesn't want to do another round of treatment."

"Well she's just a child, she has her whole life ahead of her. We have to make her do it."

"Justin, I'm afraid that her recovery stems on her positive attitude and her willingness to fight the disease. WIthout that there really is no use in continuing."

"But the medicine will help her, it will kill the cancer."

"I've been doing this long enough to know that if she isn't fighting, no amount of medicine is going to cure her. Her attitude is vital to her success."

"Well then, we'll just have to make her see that she has to fight, that she wants to fight."

Brian sat in deafening silence as he tried to absorb what the doctor had just told them. He wasn't listening to the conversation between Justin and the doctor and was caught off guard when Justin stood to leave.

"Well, are you coming Brian?"

"What?"

"We have to go make her fight this. Let's go."

"I don't think that's a good idea, Justin."

"What the fuck do you mean, you don't think it's a good idea? You're just going to sit there and let our daughter die?"

"We can't force her."

"Fuck if we can't. We're her parents, we can make her take the treatments."

"But she doesn't want to. You'll be prolonging her pain for your selfishness."

"FUCK YOU. I'm not going to just sit here and let her decide to die without fighting."

"It's not your choice."

"And you aren't her father."

Brian watched in disbelief as his partner stormed from the room. Running a shaky hand through his hair, he slowly turned back to the doctor.

"I'll talk to her today, Doc."

"I think that's a good idea, Brian. But before you do, I want you to know that if she refuses treatment her time is short."

"How short?"

"Six months, if we're lucky. It's information she should be aware of in order to fully process this."

"I'll make sure she knows. Thanks Doc."

Brian shut the door quietly behind him, taking a deep breath before leaving the building and walking slowly to his car. Justin was nowhere to be found, and Brian wasn't sure he even wanted to see the man or have to deal with him at the moment.

Sitting in his car, in the dark, damp parking garage, he let his mind wander back to the last time he'd felt so bad. Head on the steering wheel it hit him that it was ironic to be in a garage again feeling such loss. The difference was that this time he felt even more alone than he did that night.

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I don't know why I walked out, I just knew that I had to get away from Brian right then or else I would say something I couldn't take back. I just walked out into the cool air and wandered aimlessly. My mind was reeling and my heart was broken. How could he not want her to fight? Didn't he know she could die? And if he did, the how the fuck could he just let her?

Somehow I ended up at Lindsay's. Funny I don't remember walking that far but I found myself standing on her porch not sure what to do. Hesitating at the bell, I decided to just sit down and collect myself before telling her.

I don't know how long I sat there or when she even came out and sat next to me. I couldn't make myself say those horrible words, not to her. Brian couldn't understand how I felt, but Lindsay could. She was her mother after all. Sascha was a part of me and her, I just knew she would know how I felt.

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I was in the middle of painting when Brian called. He explained everything that the doctor had told him and he did his best to soften the blow. I could tell by his voice that he was dying inside at the thought of losing his daughter.

I could feel his fear when he told me about Justin's reaction. I tried my best to reassure him that Justin was hurting and would be okay, but something inside told me that might not be the case.

I was on my way down to start dinner when I happened to spot him on the front porch. He was sitting in the swing looking lost. Throwing on a jacket I went and just sat next to him holding his hand.

He smiled sadly up at me and I knew exactly how he felt. I was her mother after all. I know that Brian is her parent, that he's been there day in and day out but I'm connected to her biologically and nothing will ever change that. She *is* my daughter and I still love her.

I completely understand Justin's devastation because I feel the exact same thing. Our daughter may die. The life we created. I don't think any of us are prepared for that.

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