I Want You to Know

Part 64

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I hesitated just outside of room 221 and took a deep breath trying to gather my strength to face my daughter. I honestly didn't know if I could handle seeing her so sick. Justin had tried to prepare me but I wasn't sure that it had done any good.

Pushing open the door I saw her sleeping peacefully and the tears began to fall down my cheeks. She looked so sick, so pale. All of her beautiful long blonde hair was gone, only a few strands stuck out of her head now. Her face was bloated from the steroids they gave her and she was so thin. Justin had said that she didn't want to eat anymore because of all the vomiting. I was worried about leaving him here to deal with this by himself. I was more worried about leaving her. Would she think I had abandoned her? Would she forgive me?

My thoughts were interrupted by her movement. She stretched, opened her eyes and smiled weakly at me before closing them again. I leaned across the bed and pressed a kiss to the top of her head like I had done for years now. As soon as my lips touched her I knew something was wrong. She was burning up. I grabbed the nurse call button and pushed it franticly. When someone finally answered I calmly told them what was going on.

Before I knew what was happening the room was buzzing with activity. Nurses were taking her temperature while others were writing things down in charts and still others were checking the machines that pumped the medication into my daughter's body. I stood back helpless, holding Sascha's hand, wishing I could protect her from all of this.

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I felt like such a fool standing in the middle of the bedroom holding one of his shirts to my nose trying to hold onto his scent. Brian had gone to the hospital to spend time with Sascha and I thought I'd surprise him by packing his suitcases. Unfortunately I surprised myself as well by the emotions that overwhelmed me. I always missed Brian when he was gone, but this was different. This time I needed him more. I needed  him to be here to remind me that Sascha would be fine and that Willow's wedding would go off without a problem. I could use him here to tell me how great it is that Thea is halfway around the world touring. He always found a way to keep me from killing Kaelin for marrying that Gold boy. Not to mention making sure that I didn't make Sara feel guilty for living her own life.

As much as I preached to him that our girls had to live their own lives, I missed them. I loved having them all here under one roof. Now Gus was going back to California and Brian was going to be gone for God knows how long. This big house would be so empty with just me here. I shook my head to stop myself from having a drama queen moment and went back to packing my lover's underwear.

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An hour later the nurses had left the room promising that they would be back to monitor her illness. They had tried to calm me down by telling me that this was normal after the first round of chemotherapy but I wasn't buying it. I sat back down next to her and held her small, frail hand and prayed for the first time in years.

I made bargains with God that day. I swore I would never again question his existence if he made her well again. I begged him to take her illness and give it to me instead. I felt defeated. I felt like I was losing my daughter and that was not something I could willingly face.

When the nurse came back to check on her she told me that if Sascha's fever didn't break soon they would have to pack her in ice to get it down. She explained to me that Sascha's fever was sitting at 104.3 and had been unchanged for the last two hours. One more hour and they would have to take steps to bring it down.

I quietly called Justin and waited out the ringing with my breath held. When he answered I broke into sobs.

"Brian, honey, calm down. What's wrong?" His voice was full of fear and that broke through to me. I had to reassure him that she was still alive. I knew his biggest fear was not being there when she died.

I explained to my partner about our daughter's condition and before I could ask he was already on his way out the door. I was sitting beside the bed, holding her hand when Justin walked in. He smiled sadly at me and looked at his watch. For the first time that day I looked at mine and realized that I had to leave her. Not only her, but him as well. How the hell was I supposed to just walk out on her now?

"I'm not going."

Justin looked at me blankly at first then wrapped his arms around me and kissed my cheek. "You don't have a choice, Brian.  You have to go."

"I don't want to."

"I know," was all he said as I stood and kissed my daughter one last time. Standing in the doorway I looked back at her and begged God to keep her safe until I returned. An hour later I was seated in the first class waiting area anxiously tapping my fingers on the bar. I was lightly holding a scotch in my hands and thinking about Sascha when a woman sat next to me. She looked at me as though she knew my pain and put her arm around me.

"Your daughter is in God's hands now. Go and find your destiny."

In an instant she was gone and I was left wondering if she were even real. My flight was called and I boarded the plane. With one final look out over the city that held my daughter's life I left.

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