I Want You to Know

Part 62

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'Shit', I thought as Justin pointed out Gus coming from the backroom. Our first trip there in years and I'm there with my son. I was embarrassed beyond belief and more worried about Gus's reaction than my own. He already hates me and this wasn't going to make it any better. I longed for a good relationship with my son and I was willing to do almost anything to get there. This however was not the way I had planned to do it.

"Dad, Justin, what are you doing here?"

"Reliving old times," Justin replied with a dirty look from me shot his way. He laughed at me once again and I could see that Gus was just as uncomfortable as I was.

His trick looked from Gus to me and back again, "I knew that you two had to be related when I saw him back there. I was hoping you were twins or something."

"No such luck, kid. This one's taken and happy about it." Justin staked his claim and I found it amusing that after all these years of monogamy he was still protective of me. I put a possessive arm around him and kissed him gently on the lips.

"Damn right I'm happy about it. Not everyone is as lucky as I am. I have a partner that I not only love but I respect as well. He's been there for me when I didn't think I couldn't count on anyone."

"Yeah my dad and Justin have been together for years now. I still can't believe the stories I hear about dad's wilder days."

"Sometimes wild days aren't so bad," Jared chuckled.

"My wild days are over."

Justin piped up, "the legendary Brian Kinney is no more."

"You're Brian Kinney's kid?" Jared glared at Gus like he was a celebrity.

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The words reverberated in my head over and over. 'You're Brian Kinney's kid?' That's all I heard as I turned and tore out of the club. I wasn't just 'Brian Kinney's kid'. Why can't anyone see me for me and not my dad's fucking heir to the throne of all Gay Pittsburgh?

I'm smart, good looking, and I give great head, but for some reason all I am is Brian Kinney's kid. Fuck him. I don't need this shit. I'm halfway down the block when someone grabs my arm and spins me around. Surprise creeps up as I stand face to face with my dad.

"What the hell is your problem sonny boy?"

I can hear the anger and concern in his voice. How do I tell him that he's ruined my life? That I'll never be anything more than his kid. "Leave me alone Brian," I say through clenched teeth.

"Don't you dare try that shit with me, Gus. I'm your dad and you will treat me as such."

"Yeah, I know. I'm reminded of that fact on an hourly basis. Why can't you just leave me the fuck alone, dad?"

"Because I love you and I worry about you sonny boy. That’s what parents do, you know."

"I can take care of myself. I've been doing it for years now."

"Gus, this has to stop. You have to get over your hatred of me and my past. I can't change it."

His hand is still on my arm and I try to pull away but he tightens his grip. I stare at him and know I'm fighting a losing battle. As much as I hate him right now, I love him more. As bad as I want to blame him for how bad things get, I can't. It's not his fault I feel this way. I just want to be something more than 'Brian Kinney's kid'.

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I finally decide its time to intervene and just as I get there Gus breaks free and takes off running down the street. Brian starts to go after him but I stop him with a hand on his arm.

"Let him go Brian. He needs to work this out on his own."

"What is there to work out, Justin? I don't understand why he hates me so much."

The pain in his eyes tears at my heart and I wish I could make it go away. "He doesn't hate you Brian. He's just young and it's hard living up to the legend of Brian Kinney. It's even harder living in your shadow and always being judged by it."

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I ran until I couldn't run anymore. When I looked around I saw I was at the cemetery. My feet had led me to the one place that held someone who knew what I was feeling. My mama. I hadn't been here since I was thirteen. It was too hard and I really didn't know her that well. She died when I was so young, but mom always made sure I remembered her. We came here every year on her birthday and placed flowers on her grave.

I knew that mama didn't like dad very much. I also knew that she loved me despite him being my father. I remember her and mom arguing about him when I was little. Those are my only real memories of her voice. Try as hard as I could I couldn't remember what she looked like, or smelt like. I missed her desperately right now. Somehow I knew she would understand about living in dad's shadow.

I sit down at the edge of the grass and gather my thoughts. Just being here I feel a sense of peace wash over me. I didn't know what I was doing here or what I wanted to say to her. I just wanted to be near her and think. I had to try to figure out how to deal with this stuff with my dad. I didn't want to lose him but I couldn't keep living in his shadow either. I had to be able to be my own man and live my own life.

I don't know how long I sat there or what made me decide to go home but I had to see my dad. I had to get this all straightened out before it was too late.

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I took Brian home and forced him to sit down. He had too much adrenaline pumping through his veins and I thought he was going to jump out of his skin. He couldn't sit still and I finally let him pace. I knew he was worried about Gus and there was nothing I could do or say that would make it any easier for him.

Just when I thought he was going to explode Gus walked in the door.

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