I Want You to Know

Part 57

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I parked the jeep and trekked across the snow to sit on the cold cement bench. Shivering I pulled my jacket tighter around myself wondering why the hell I had come here. Leaning over I wiped the snow from the headstone so I could see her name as I spoke to her. Taking a deep breath I began to speak as the tears began to fall.

"Mom, long time no talk. Sorry I haven't been by more often, but I never was good at this kind of thing. Hell I don't even know why I'm here now to be honest with you. Something just drew me here. Maybe I just need my Mom, or the mother I wish you'd been. Anyway, things are all out of control in my life right now and I guess I needed something familiar."

I stop and collect my thoughts brushing the snow that has gathered back on her headstone. Looking around at the empty cemetery in the fading light it seems almost surreal. I stood to leave and then sat right back down.

"Damn it's cold. I don't know what happened really, Mom. I don't know how things got so messed up between us. For so long I wanted you to just love me. Then I learned you never would and it hurt so bad. Now I have my own kids and I just can't imagine not loving them. I would do anything in the world to make their lives better. I look at them and see such hope. How could you not see that when you looked at me Mom? What did I do that was so bad that you couldn't love me even a little bit?"

I wiped away a stray tear with my gloved hand and moved from the bench to the snow covered ground. I leaned against the cold granite and traced her name.

"God Mom. I loved you despite it all. And here I sit in the fucking snow like some damn fool talking to my mother's grave because I didn't know where else to go. I wish you were here. I have so many things I want to say to you. I need you Mom."

I sat there in silence crying for what seemed hours before I began to speak again.

"Sascha's really sick, Mom. I wish you were here to try to make sense of it for me because try as hard as I might it doesn't. Why her? Why my little girl? She could die Mom. She's so young, so beautiful. She's so much like Justin; she has his smile and his sense of humor. Sascha's strong which is good right now but I'm so afraid that she's not going to have the strength to fight this to the end. What if she gives up Mom? What if I lose her? Were you ever sorry you lost me Mom?"

I ran a gloved hand through my hair and took another deep breath trying to get a hold of myself. "Then there’s Gus. Shit Mom he's done some really stupid things lately. He's living in California; he has a life I know nothing about. And now, now he's fucked Michael. I still can't believe it. I went after him too. Michael that is, not Gus. I'd never do anything to hurt Gus intentionally. I love that kid. Michael, I want to kill him. I think I almost did. I let my anger get the best of me Mom. I became like Jack. The one thing I promised myself I'd never do and I did it. I'm no better than him. I've hurt everyone I love. The difference is I do love them. Shit Mom, how the fuck do I fix this?"

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Gus and I split up to search for Brian. I decided we should check all the usual places he went to for pain management. Gus went to Woody's while I checked Babylon. When I didn't find him there I checked the diner then went to the office to look for him. Gus hadn't had any luck at the gym or the coffee shop. Finally I told him to meet me at the hospital. I only hoped that Brian had decided to go see Sascha and not Michael.

Molly and Megan were sitting with Sascha when I got there and neither had seen Brian all day. Luckily Sascha was sleeping and didn't know about her father being missing. I pulled Molly out into the hall and filled her in on what had happened. She hugged and kissed me trying her best to make me feel better. Going back inside, I found Sascha awake and talking to her cousin. She smiled at me instantly. I leaned across the bed and kissed her cheek. She felt warm and it concerned me.

"Sascha, are you feeling ok?"

"Just tired Daddy. Where's Dad? I haven't seen him all day."

"Well he's out taking care of some things honey. He'll be here when he can. Right now I'm going to get a nurse to take your temperature."  I left to retrieve the nurse before she could argue with me. After taking the temperature it was determined that Sascha was indeed running a fever. The nurse called in Dr. Essig for a consult and we waited for him to arrive.

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I sat in the cemetery until I couldn't feel my fingers anymore. It was only then that I stood and said my goodbyes to my mother. "Thanks Mom. Next time I'll bring you flowers or something." I was halfway back to the jeep when I turned and went back to her grave one last time. "You know Mom, its funny isn't it. In death you've finally given me the one thing I needed most. Your silence. For what it's worth Mom, I want you to know that I love you."

With that I left without looking back. Once in the jeep I turned the heat to full blast trying to get warm. I thought about going to Woody's for a drink but there was somewhere else I wanted to be more. I made a u-turn in the middle of the street and headed for the hospital.

I hesitated just outside of Sascha's room trying to collect myself before going in. I didn't want to worry her. I ran a hand through my hair trying to smooth it and looked down at my wet jeans shaking my head. Pushing the door open I plastered a smile to my face. I was met by Justin's worried eyes as he sat next to our sleeping daughter. He stood and pulled me outside.

"Where the hell have you been Brian?" He was trying to keep his voice low but I could see the worry and anger in his crystal blue eyes.

"I needed to be alone and I went to the one person I knew wouldn't try to talk back."

He looked at me suspiciously and shook his head. "Sascha's sick, Bri. I tried your cell but it wasn't on."

"What's wrong?" I was instantly back in father mode.

"Her white blood count is next to nothing. She has a fever of 104.9 and they have her on antibiotics but they say if the fever isn't down soon they're going to have to pack her in ice."

"What brought this on, Justin?"

"The chemo kills the white blood cells along with the cancer cells. There’s really nothing they can do about it. We just have to be careful to keep her healthy."

"How the hell are we supposed to do that?" I pushed past him and went to sit with my daughter. She slept for hours while Justin and I sat in silence. About two hours after I arrived Justin came and sat in my lap, kissing me and holding me close. I wrapped my arms around him.

"I'm sorry about earlier, Justin."

"Brian, you have to learn to control your temper. You could've killed Michael."

"How is he?” I asked.

"He's alive thankfully. Just a little curious as to why his best friend would try to kill I presume. I haven't been by his room because I was out looking for you. Where did you go anyway?"

"To see my Mom." His face registered surprise and I continued before he could speak, "if you don't mind I'm going to go see Michael."

"I don't think that's such a good idea, Brian. I'll go see him and try to straighten this mess out. You stay with Sascha and if you need me have a nurse come get me. I love you Brian."

"I love you too and thanks Justin."

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Justin knocked on Michael's door and let himself in. Michael was sitting up in bed talking to Emmett. Both men smiled at Justin and Emmett made his excuses and left. Justin took the seat that Emmett had just vacated and looked unsure about what he had to do.

"Michael, how're you feeling?"

"A little sore, but not too bad. How's Brian?"

"He's really upset about what happened but that's understandable considering."

"What I don't understand is why he did it, Justin. Why would my best friend just attack me like that?"

"Well considering what happened between you and Gus, do you blame him?" Justin watched Michael's face for any sign of regret and found none.

"All I did was what I always did for Brian. I thought he'd appreciate it not try to kill me."

"Wouldn't you want to kill Brian if he took David as a lover?"

"You mean he thinks I slept with Gus?"

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