I Want You to Know

Part 53

 *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I woke to find my Dad crying and my heart broke into a million tiny pieces. I had never seen my Dad cry like that before. I knew he was crying because of me and I wanted to reassure him that I would be ok, that I was strong enough to beat this damn thing. It was the day I was to have another surgery. This time they wanted to implant a device called a port-a-cath into my chest to administer the medicine. Dr. Essig said that my veins were really weak and this was the best way to make sure they didn't collapse.

He explained to me that the port-a-cath would be sewn onto the muscle under my collarbone and a small tube would be threaded straight into my aorta. This would get the chemo out to the body sooner and would eliminate me having to have IVs changed daily. They could access this device and not have to change it for a week. I got to see the thing and was amazed at how small it was, but also at how heavy it was.

"Will it hurt?" I asked him not sure of what to expect.

Dr. Essig sat down on my bed and held my hand, "well if you were awake for the surgery it would feel like someone was trying to shove your heart out your back. Fortunately for you I'm nice and have asked that you be put under while they insert it. I don't think you're strong enough right now to handle this type of surgery so soon. You will be up and moving in no time this way and we can get you started immediately on the chemotherapy."

"So when are they going to cut me open?"

"Tomorrow morning. Then you will start your chemo on Monday. I want to give you a few days rest between the surgery and the medicine. Sascha I want you to be prepared for what is going to happen to you. The medicine we will give you will not only kill the cancer cells but it will kill your red and white blood cells as well. You will be very sick at times but you need to stay positive if you want to win this battle."

"How sick?"

"Very sick. I anticipate you spending a lot of time in this very room here. At times I may have to limit your visitors to keep you healthy. Sascha I am basically going to destroy your immune system in order to eradicate this disease that has taken over your body. In order for me to do that I have to monitor your blood levels closely and  you have to tell me if at any time you feel sick or wiped out. I need you to be strong and fight. Don't let this get you down because if you give in the disease wins."

"How am I supposed to do that? I'm only a kid, I don't know how to fight something this big."

"You have to look deep inside yourself and find the strength and fight. Never give in. I have faith in you Sascha."

 *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Once again I found myself waiting for Sascha to come out of surgery. I was sitting just outside of the operating room with a cold cup of coffee when the doctor came out to let us know it was over.

"Mr. Taylor-Kinney, Sascha is in recovery right now. I need to discuss a few things with you if you have a Moment."

I followed Dr. Massad into the waiting room and he closed the door behind us. I was nervous about what he had to say to me. Had he found something else? Had something gone wrong? I sat down and waited for him to speak.

"Sascha is fine. She is in recovery but we are monitoring her closely. She seemed to  have a reaction to the anesthesia and flat lined on the table twice. We successfully brought her back both times but I made a note on her chart that she should not be put under again. I wanted you to be aware of this in case something should happen that she require more surgery."

"You mean she died?" I watched him avoid my eyes and knew the answer. I wished Justin were here with me. I needed him now more than I ever had before.

"She is doing fine now Mr. Taylor-Kinney. You should be able to see her shortly. I'll be stopping in this afternoon to check on her progress and Dr. Boniface will be covering for me this weekend. The staff has my number if anything should arise." He looked over at me and added, "don't worry Mr. Kinney, she's a strong young woman. She will do fine."

"Thank you Dr. Massad."

I sank back in my chair and tried to calm my breathing. My daughter had died and I didn't even know it. I should have felt something, anything. She was my child for god's sake, I should have known if she were gone.

 *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I stepped off the plane and walked out into the city that I used to call home. I didn't realize just how much I had missed this damn city and all it held. I shivered against the cold and searched my carryon for a jacket. I didn't remember it being this cold. I instantly missed the warm California air.

I hailed a cab and gave him Dad's address. I wanted to shower and change before I went to see my sister and I figured I had a better chance of being alone at Dad's than Mom's. As I paid the driver, I looked up at the big house and smiled at the memories it held for me. I waited for the driver to pull away and then fished the extra key out from the potted plant next to the garage. Some things never change. Dad had put the key there because he got sick of Justin always forgetting his key.

Closing the door behind me I looked around at the place I used to love to visit. The furniture was the same, the walls covered in Justin's paintings. I turned to find the family portrait over the fireplace. I was about fourteen when Justin painted it. It had been hanging there forever it seemed.

I stared at that painting for a long time trying to imagine a time when I felt like a part of this family. I hadn't been home in years and now that I was finally here I remembered why. I once again felt like I was living in Brian Kinney's shadow. Like somehow I was supposed to be the super fag that he was at my age.

I shook my head to clear my mind and ran up the stairs to take a quick shower then call my Mom. I opened the door to my old room and was bombarded with memories of Mama. I didn't remember her very well, but I do remember how she always smelt like vanilla. Justin had captured her likeness beautifully and tears welled up in my eyes at the sight. I missed having her around to tell me about Mom when they were younger. I know that my mother missed her just as much.

When Mom married Julie it hit me hard. I didn't want to think of anyone else with her but mama. Mom explained to me that mama would always be her first true love but that she needed to move on with her life. I loved my mother but at that Moment I hated her for replacing mama. It had taken me a long time to get over the hurt.

Now here I was standing in my old room at my father's crying like a damn baby over something that I couldn't change. When Dad put his hand on my shoulder I about jumped out of my skin.

"Hey sonny boy, when did you get here?"

"Just a few minutes ago. I came by here to drop off my stuff then take a shower before going to see Sascha. How is she?"

"She's doing as well as can be expected. She begins her first treatment tomorrow and they said she'll be pretty sick for a few days. She'll be glad to see you, Gus."

"Yeah, I'll be glad to see her too, Dad." I turned and hugged my father. He looked surprised that I had done so but wrapped his arms tightly around me. "How is Justin?"

"As beautiful as ever."

"Very funny, Dad."

"You should be so lucky, sonny boy."

"Maybe I already am." I avoided my father's questions as I headed for the shower down the hall.

 *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Sascha was sleeping when Gus walked into the room. Lindsay's head was down on the bed and he could tell by her even breathing that she too was asleep.  He tapped her lightly on the shoulder and she looked up to find her only son standing before her. She jumped to her feet and hugged him tight. Gus took her hand and led her out to the hall so as not to disturb his sister.

"Gus, honey, when did you get here?"

"A few hours ago. I called the house but Julie said you were here so I just decided to come over and surprise you."

Lindsay kissed her son again and hugged him. "Turn around let me look at you."

Gus did as he was told, knowing not to argue with his mother.

"Wow you look so much like Brian did at your age. Are you sure that you got any of my genes?"

"I got the good ones from you Mom." Gus kissed his mother's cheek again and asked, "How is she doing?"

"It's hard on her, you know. She should be at college with her sisters and here she is fighting for her life. It's just not fair."

"I know Mom. She's tough though, she'll get through this. She is a Kinney after all."

"Only by adoption, she's a Peterson first and foremost."

"That only makes her stronger. Do you mind if I sit with her for awhile?"

"Go ahead, I'll go get some dinner and call Julie, maybe she can join me."

"I'm way ahead of you Mom. Julie is in the cafeteria waiting for you. Go have a long romantic dinner with your wife. I'll hold down the fort up here."

"Thanks, Gus," Lindsay said kissing him again. "When I get back I want to hear all about this new life of yours out in California."

"I promise."

Gus was watching Judge Judy when Sascha woke. She blinked several times not sure if what she was seeing was real.

"Gus, is that really you?"

"In the flesh, baby sister. How are you feeling?"

"Better than what Mom or Daddy will tell you. Dad is the only one who seems to understand that I have to do this my way."

"Well Dad is understanding where most parents wouldn't be so you're lucky to have him on  your side."

"So tell me all about California. Are the guys as hot as they look on tv? Have you met any stars?"

"Yeah the guys are pretty hot. I met Tom Cruise at a party once and well let's just say that the rumors are true."

"You didn't?!?"

"I did."

Sascha laughed at Gus and hugged him tight despite the machines she was hooked up to. "So is there anyone special I should know about?"

"There is someone."

"Spill it, Gus."

"His name's Robby. He's older than me but really hot."

"How old?"

"31"

"That isn't that old. How did you meet?"

"I met him at a club one night and well I never left the next morning."

"Sorta like Dad and Daddy."

"Nothing that romantic, I'm afraid. But he is good to me. He's a professional volleyball player. I've spent some time traveling with him on the circuit and it's been fun."

"Do you love him?"

"The question is does he love me."

"What does that mean?"

"He's married, Sascha."

"To a woman?"

"Yep and he has kids."

"Gus what're you doing? That's more dangerous than jumping off the Brooklyn Bridge."

"I love him. I know it doesn't make it right, but I do."

"Does his wife know about you?"

"She knows he's gay. They don't even sleep in the same bed anymore. He's only there for his kids."

"That doesn't make it right Gus. He has to choose. You or his marriage."

"That is one reason I'm back in the Pitts. I wanted time to figure out what I want. When I go back to California I have to tell him if I want to be with him or not. I have to find a way to make him see that what he's doing is not good for anyone involved."

"So what're you going to tell the 'rents?"

"Nothing. Keep your mouth shut."

Justin walked in and asked, "Shut about what?"

Return to I Want You to Know