I Want You to Know

Part 51

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I woke up in the hospital with my fathers and my mother standing over me, along with a few doctors and nurses coming in and out of the room. I had no idea how I had gotten there. All I remembered was standing up to go to the bathroom and the next thing I know, here I am in the hospital. Mom looked worried and so did Daddy. Dad on the other hand looked pissed off about something. None of them had noticed that I was awake yet so I figured I had better say something if I wanted to find out what was going on.

"Daddy, what happened?" I whispered, not quiet able to find my voice.

Daddy whipped around at the sound and was instantly on the bed, holding my hand and kissing me. He held me so tight I thought that I would be crushed. A look passed between him and Dad that worried me. There was something that they weren't telling me and I was determined to find out what it was.

"Why am I here?"

"Shhh, baby, don't worry about that right now. You just need to rest and get stronger."

"We should tell her, Justin," Dad interrupted.

"There's nothing to tell her right now Brian."

Daddy sounded angry that Dad was pushing him. I flashed Dad a smile trying to tell him it was ok. He smiled back at me and I suddenly felt tired. I closed my eyes and drifted back to sleep.

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Justin turned and grabbed Brian's arm and pulled him out into the hall. Lindsay followed the two, determined to make them see that arguing was not going to help Sascha.

"Damn you Brian, what the fuck do you think you're doing?"

"I'm telling my adult daughter what she has the right to know."

"We don't know anything right now."

"We know that she's sick and that the doctors want to do more tests. That's something. She has the right to know, Justin."

Lindsay chose that Moment to speak. "He's right, Justin, she's an adult. She has the right to know and the doctors will tell her if you don't."

"She's young, she's impulsive. She won't do what needs to be done to make sure she’s well."

"Its not your decision." Brian turned away from his partner and pushed back into Sascha's room. Seeing that his little girl was still sleeping, he pulled a chair close to her bed and sat down, holding her hand in his. He pressed her hand to his lips and said a silent prayer that she would be alright.

Justin and Lindsay stayed out in the hallway for a few Moments discussing the situation.

"Lindsay, he just wants to tell her like its no big deal."

"He's right though Justin, she's an adult. Sascha may be impulsive and a little wild but she's a smart young woman. You have to give her the chance to decide her own future."

"She's only eighteen years old Lindsay. What if she doesn't see how serious this could be? What if she decides not to have the tests done?" Justin was fighting back the tears.

Lindsay pulled him close and held him, "You just have to trust that she will do the right thing. That's all you can do, Justin."

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I woke to find Dad asleep in the chair next to my bed. Turning toward the window I saw that it was dark outside. I must have slept all afternoon. I looked around the room for a clock and saw that it said two a.m. I turned on the light over the bed and found the t.v. remote, flipping it on. I searched the channels for anything interesting at this time of night. I finally settled on a rerun of Dharma and Greg.

I was still staring mindlessly at the television when Dad woke. He blinked several times, then rubbed his neck before speaking.

"Hey kiddo, how're you feeling?"

"Tired, but I can't seem to sleep."

"I can have the nurse come give you something to help you sleep if you want. They were supposed to give you a sedative this afternoon but I asked them to let you sleep."

"I'll be fine Dad, thanks. Why are you here and not at home with Daddy?"

"You don't think I'd just leave you alone in the hospital do you?"

"I guess not, but aren't you uncomfortable? I mean that chair looks like it would be more comfortable to sleep on a bed of nails."

"I think you're onto something there kiddo. But I'll be fine. I've slept in less desirable places before."

"I'll just bet you did."

"Well enough about my childhood."

Dad and I laughed at his joke and he shifted in his chair, trying to find a more comfortable position. When he was settled he turned back towards me and smiled sadly. I wanted to ask him so many things but was afraid that if I did he wouldn't tell me anything. I took a deep breath and asked anyway.

"Dad, what's going on here?"

He looked nervous at first then I could see him fighting with himself about whether or not to tell me. Finally he leaned in and kissed me.

"If you tell your father that I told you, he'll divorce me for sure."

"My lips are sealed."

"I knew that I could count on you, kiddo." He took a deep breath and began to tell me why I was in the hospital. "The doctors think that you may have a tumor of some sort. They want to do some more tests on you before they release you so that they know exactly what it is they are dealing with."

"How serious is it?"

"I don't know yet, kiddo. Tomorrow they want to do an ultrasound."

I interrupted him, "like when you're pregnant?"

"Just like that."

"But Dad, I'm a virgin, there's no way I'm pregnant."

"Well they aren't doing it to see if you are pregnant. They're looking for any evidence of a tumor or anything else that could explain why you haven't been feeling so well lately."

"Dad, what if it's something serious? Then what?"

"Then we deal with it together. You're not alone in this baby."

"Thanks Dad."

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The next day Sascha was taken down for the ultrasound. Justin, Brian and Lindsay were told it would take around an hour for the procedure and were led to a small waiting room. Brian paced the room while Justin sat sketching. Lindsay had brought a book to read and sat reading.

Two hours passed with no word and Brian was getting restless. Looking over at Justin he could see his partner was just as worried.  Brian stood and walked towards the door.

"I'm going to get a cup of coffee and some fresh air. Come get me if they come in."

"Sure thing, baby. I love you."

"I love you too, Sunshine."

Brian went to the cafeteria and poured himself a large black coffee. After paying for it he stepped outside. Inhaling the cool mid day air he looked around. His eyes settled on a young woman smoking on the bench. Walking over he asked if he could sit and she nodded. Taking a sip of the hot liquid he was glad for the warmth to take the chill off the day.

Today was his birthday and he was spending it in the hospital worrying about Sascha. So far no one knew exactly what was wrong with her and that bothered him. The young woman seated next to him, smiled at him and asked why he was spending the day here. He filled her in on his daughter and the reason he was here. She said the obligatory 'I'm sorrys' and he thanked her. She told him that she had once been a patient in this hospital when she was younger and now she worked here as a nurse on the Pediatric ward.

Brian listened with interest and was about to ask her why she had been a patient when Justin came out to tell him Sascha was back in her room and the doctors wanted to talk to them. Brian excused himself and took Justin's hand, walking back to his daughter's room. They walked into room 321 and found Sascha asleep.

Dr. Sambat came in and told them that there was a tumor the size of a grapfruit on one of Sascha's ovaries. They would do an exploratory surgery the next day to remove the tumor, and possibly the left ovary. There was also a possibility of a complete hysterectomy. The doctor also informed them that he would be removing her appendix to avoid any complications if it did indeed turn out to be cancer.

Brian thanked the doctor and he and Justin went back in to tell Sascha the news. Lindsay gently woke Sascha and all three of them sat down to tell her.

Brian began, "Sascha the doctor just gave us some news."

"Now don't be scared honey," Justin added.

"Dr. Sambat said that there is a tumor on your ovary. They aren't sure what it is at this point so they want to do exploratory surgery tomorrow morning. This will give them the chance to remove the tumor so that they can test it to see if it is cancer or not."

"What your Dad means is that they will go in and make sure that there are no other tumors when they remove the one that they already know is there."

"Are they going to take everything?" Sascha looked to her mother with tears treaming down her face.

Lindsay hugged her tight, "Well honey, there is a chance that they may have to do a hysterectomy. But that is not a guarantee. What is more likely to happen is that they'll just remove the tumor and that ovary. They also want to remove your appendix just so nothing can go wrong later on down the line. Now Sascha, don't go thinking that you're not going to be fine, because you will."

"But Mom, I won't be able to have children."

"Honey, you're still young and there are other ways to have babies now a days. Look at you and your sisters and Gus."

Sascha held onto her mother and cried. Brian and Justin watched them, both feeling helpless. Sascha was going to go through something that neither of them could comprehend and they were thankful that Lindsay was here. Sascha needed her mother now more than ever.

Later that evening Lindsay stayed with Sascha so that Brian and Justin could talk to the other girls and let them know what was going on with their sister. Justin had phoned them and asked them all to meet at the house around seven. Sara and Amy were the first to arrive, with little BJ in tow. The little boy was excited to see his grandfathers and reached out for them. Brian took the boy from his mother and kissed his forehead. He hugged BJ tightly until the baby began to squirm.

After Willow and Kaelin arrived, Justin called Thea and put her on the speaker phone. She was still in New York promoting her album and couldn't leave due to an appearance on Good Morning America the next day. After she filled them in on what was going on with her, Brian told them that they needed to talk to them about Sascha.

"What has she done now?" Sara asked rather cynically.

"She hasn't done anything. She's in the hospital," Brian explained.

"Oh my God, Dad is she ok?" Sara asked.

Willow chimed in with, "what happened?"

"Was she in an accident?" Thea asked.

Kaelin whistled to get their attention, "maybe if we shut up they could tell us what's wrong with her."

The other three girls quieted down and Brian told them what was going on. "Sascha has a tumor on her ovary. They are going to do exploratory surgery tomorrow morning."

"Is it cancer, Dad?"

"We don't know Kaelin. They will have an answer for us later in the week after they remove it and send it to the lab. Until then we have to think positive."

"I think that Sascha would like it if you all would stop by and see her in the morning before her surgery."

"Sure Daddy."

"Whos with her now?" Willow asked.

"Your Mom is there. We don't want to leave her alone right now."

"I can sit with her sometime," Sara offered.

"We all can, Daddy," Willow added.

"I'm going to fly home tomorrow after my interview," Thea interrupted.

"You don't have to do that, Thea. You need to be there to finish out your obligations."

"Daddy, there is nothing more important than my sisters. I'll talk to Mr. Johannson after I get off the phone with you and I'll be on the first flight I can get. I'll call you in the morning with the details."

"Let me know when you will be in and I'll pick you up," Amy volunteered.

"That would be great. Thanks Amy."

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I lay in my hospital bed watching the sunrise with my mother. We had really bonded over the last few months that I had been living with her and Julie. I finally felt close to my mother, something I had really missed growing up. Don't get me wrong I love my fathers with all my heart but every little girl needs a mother to help her through those awkward Moments growing up.

I was always close to my fathers and I know that they love me but I always wondered why my mother had given us up. I mean she was a part of our lives but not as our mother for the most part. She was always this woman we saw on special occasions or when she dropped off Gus. I never felt like she was my mother until recently.

Now I had someone to talk to about woman things. Things like boys and makeup. Not that Mom knew much about boys. I learned about her life growing up and how she met my Dad. She told all about their time together  in college. She also told me about when she first came out. It was harder on her than I realized. I always thought that she was so strong and self-confident but she was really just as scared about things as I am.

She told me all about her life with Melanie. I wish I had known her since she made Mom so happy for so many years. She told me once that I reminded her of Melanie, brave and strong. I asked Mom about her feelings for Julie and how she knew that she loved her. She told me that one day she was sitting on the porch swing with Julie and she looked over at her face with the sun hitting it and just knew. She called it a Moment of clarity.

As the sun came up over the river, I turned to my Mom and confessed that I was scared of what they would find.

"Don't be scared, Sascha. You're strong, you can handle this no matter what. I have faith in you. You just have to have faith in yourself."

I was still hugging her when my Dads and my sisters walked in. Drying my eyes I smiled at them and hugged each of them. Sara brought me the most recent issue of Glamour and Willow brought me a snickers bar for when I got out of surgery and could eat again. Kaelin held out her favorite teddy bear.

"Someone to keep you company," she said.

"Thanks guys. I'm glad you're all here. I was beginning to wonder if I had just dreamt that I was one of five."

"That is more of a nightmare," Dad teased, kissing me gently. "How are you feeling this morning kiddo?"

"I'm ok, I guess."

Daddy leaned in and kissed my cheek. I gave him a weak smile just as the nurse came in to prep me for surgery. She asked my family to step outside and then added some medication to my IV before shaving my pubic area. She said that the doctor would be in shortly.

Dad, Daddy and Mom came back in alone to wait for the doctor. Dad explained that the girls went for coffee.

"Sounds just like them, leaving me here alone with the 'rents."

"Very funny little girl."

I smiled at Dad's stern father's voice and asked about Thea.

"She’s actually flying in later today. Amy is picking her up then bringing her straight here. If you're feeling up to it there is a little boy who misses his Aunt Sascha."

"Really Daddy? I'd love to see him."

"Gus called last night and wishes you a speedy recovery. He is trying to get a flight home at the end of the week."

My brother had moved to California a little over a month ago with a boyfriend. The relationship didn't last but it seemed that the beach agreed with him, so he stayed. He had been working construction and loved the nightlife there. The best part for Gus was that he didn't have to live up to Dad's reputation.

Dr. Sambat knocked on the door before entering. "Good morning Sascha. How are you this morning?"

"Ready to get this over with, doc."

"That I understand. I just wanted to stop in and let you and your parents know what was going to happen this morning. As you know, this is an exploratory surgery which means we'll go in and have a little look see. We will be removing the tumor along with the ovary on the left side. If at all possible we are going to avoid doing a complete hysterectomy. We will also remove the appendix to avoid any chance of you developing appendicitis if you do have to have chemotherapy or radiation therapy. Unfortunately this type of surgery does not allow for the small incision we could use normally. So we will start just above your navel and cut down to right above the vagina."

"Dr. could you promise me something?"

"Sure, Sascha."

"When I wake up, can you make sure I still have a belly button?"

"I think we can arrange that."

"Thank you."

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Six hours later Brian, Justin, Lindsay and the girls were sitting in the waiting room when the nurse came out to tell them that Sascha was in recovery and would be awake soon.

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