I Want You to Know

Part 34

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I sat holding the unopened bottle, my hand on the top, twisting it open then closed, and back again.  I sat there for an hour fighting the urge to drink, I had come so far to turn back now. I closed my eyes and saw her small face, the tears flowing, the emptiness in her clear blue eyes, the pain that tore her apart and I opened it without a second thought. Taking a long drink, the amber liquid burning my throat as it went down, I felt that old rush as my body warmed and I let myself go. I had spent the last two days sleeping on their graves, wanting them to open up and swallow me. I didn't belong anywhere anymore.

I could feel the old walls I had once hid behind starting to take hold of me, I no longer felt anything. It was how I coped, it was all I remembered. Sitting there in that bar on the outskirts of town, I tried to forget who I was. My mind shut down, my heart closed off, and I was back. Back to the end. Back to Brian Kinney, uncaring, unfeeling, unapologetic and unlovable. It was who I was, where I belonged.

As the night turned to day I stumbled from my table to the rundown hotel next door and passed out on the bed, sleeping off the alcohol haze I had been in. When I awoke and looked at the clock, it barely registered that it was noon and I hadn't spoken to my partner or my children in three days now. The only thing my mind comprehended was that I was nothing anymore. I was black on the inside, empty, cold, nothing. I let myself slip into that nothingness and become the one person I hated. Walking to the store across the street, I bought another bottle of Beam and handed the dirty blonde behind the counter a 50 and told her she could keep the change if she could tell me where I could find the nearest pawn shop. She pointed me in the right direction and I dropped the bottle off at the room before heading there.

Stepping into the brightly lit store I perused the merchandise before slipping the silver and diamond band off my finger and placed it on the counter. I accepted the few bills the old man offered me for the ring that had meant more to me than any amount of money at one time. With one last look back, I left the store and that part of my life behind.

Back in that grimy hotel room, I lay down on the tattered bedspread and closed my eyes. As I slept I dreamt of a night so long ago I wasn't sure if I had imagined it or it had really happened. I was eight years old, my baseball team had just won the championship and I came home so proud of that trophy. I showed it to Claire first and she at least tried to pretend she gave a fuck. Jack on the other hand couldn't give a rat's ass that I had won something. He was drunk again, and threw that trophy against the wall, shattering it into hundreds of pieces, and when I cried over it he yanked me up by my hair, dragging me upstairs to my room. He yelled at me to shut up and he'd give me a reason to cry. He yanked down my pants and pulled off his belt, whipping me with the cold steel buckle until I could barely stand.  Once I had stopped crying, he unsnapped his own pants and what happened next would be the basis for the rest of my life.

Jack Kinney abused me only that one time like that, and afterwards told me to never speak of it again. That was the one and only time he ever told me he loved me. That moment stuck in my head and as I got older and realized that I was gay, and that I wasn't able to love anyone, I used that moment to convince myself that sex was enough for me. I even convinced myself I didn't believe in love and I was doing a damn good job of proving it when he came into my life.

Justin Taylor had to come and fuck it all up, but that was in the past, it didn't matter anymore. I was back and better than ever. And I planned to prove it once and for all, Brian Kinney didn't need love. Love only brought heartache and tears.

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JUSTIN'S POV

I searched for him in all the usual spots to no avail, and was about to give up when something told me that I was closer than I thought. I don't know what made me go to the cemetary, but I was led there. As I looked around for the Kinney plot I found the sign I needed, the sign that Brian had been here. His watch was on the ground, next to Jack's tombstone and I picked it up, noticing the shattered glass. I hoped I wasn't too late, I hoped that I could find him before he made the biggest mistake of his life.

Looking around for more clues, I stumbled across the caretaker and asked him several questions about Brian. He remembered him and pointed me in the right direction and off I went in search of Brian Kinney once again.

Calling home to check on the girls, Lindsay told me to take as long as I needed to find him. I think she was enjoying playing mommy with Julie. I sped off towards  the edge of town and had driven for a little over an hour when I spotted his car at a local repair shop. The bell above the door clanging as I opened it was just enough to startle me and I had to take a deep breath before continuing. The old man stood before me in dark overalls, grease under his nails, skin looking like leather and I shook my head thinking that this was my only hope.

"Can I hep'ya?" he said spitting a trail of tabbaco juice on the ground.

"Yeah, I noticed you have a corvette sitting out there, by any chance do you know the owner and where I could possibly find him?"

"Some city fella dropped it off a few days ago, I ain't seen him since. I told him I didn't work on those things, but he just said for me to fix it. Not very nice that one."

"Did you happen to catch his name?"

"Don't rightly recall him givin' one."

For the first time I noticed the name sewn onto his chest, GUS, and I about lost my composure. Collecting myself I continued my questioning. "Can you tell me what he looks like so I can check around town for him?" When he looked at me suspiciously, I lied, "I collect old vettes and this is one I've been looking for, and I'd like to take it off his hands."

"Well long as you ain't no killer or nuthin'. He was about 6'2", lanky that one, dark hair, you'll know him by the fancy clothes he be wearin'. He stands out like a sore thumb round here."

I thanked him and turned to leave when he called out to me , "Hey, you might try the bar across town, I heard talk of some stranger causing some kinda ruckus there last night."

I went to the bar and they told me that he had been there but no one had seen him in days. Seems like my partner was drinking heavily again, and that worried me. Brian was too fragile right now to be drinking. After walking around town, talking to anyone who would listen, I stopped at the pawn shop, thinking he may have need cash. I walked around the store just looking, while I waited for the clerk to finish with his customer and I stopped dead in my tracks when the silver band caught my eye.

When the clerk finally made his way to me I asked to see the band, holding it in my hand, turning it, reading the inscription, and the tears threatened to fall. I fought to hold them back and asked the clerk how much he wanted for it and paid him. I would have given him my very soul if he had asked me to. He startled me when he spoke, "Fella that sold that seemed like he had parted with a part of his heart that night."

"How long ago?"

"Five, maybe six days ago. Tall fella, right handsome, got all the ladies in town flustered. Didn't strike me as a ladies man though."

"Thanks," I said softly, thinking of how far gone he must be to pawn this. Brian never took off his ring, not even when we had separated for that period of time. I was beginning to get really worried about him. After checking the hotel to see if he had registered and finding they had no one registered under his name or any he might use, I reluctantly went home.

As I was leaving I made one last stop at the liquor store and the dirty blonde behind the counter told me the same story, no one had seen him in days. I left my cell phone number with her and she promised to call if she saw him.

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I had been inside the crummy hotel for four straight days and I was out of booze, and I needed to be out. Slipping inside that bar again, I smiled at the blonde from the liquor store and somewhere in the back of my mind I saw the face of another blonde. One who had once meant the world to me. Shaking off the memory I made my way to the back with my bottle and watched the door. I was on the hunt and it felt like an old glove, tight and warm around me. This is the life I was meant to live and I planned to jump right back in full force.

When the young blonde walked through the door, I knew, just like I had always known and I gave him a few moments to find me. I motioned for him to join me and he did. Passing the drink to him I smiled down into those green eyes and for just a moment, something seemed off. The moment passed and I stood to leave, the boy trailing behind me like a lost puppy.

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JUSTIN'S POV

My cellphone rang and I knew instantly it was about Brian. I answered it wearily, and listened to her tell me what she knew. Leaving the girls a note I jumped into the jeep and headed off to bring him home. What I found when I got there chilled me to my very soul.

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Pushing open the door to the hotel, I stood watching him argue with himself about whether he wanted to do this. My mind flashed back to another life when I had watched the same thing happen with another young blonde man. Taking another drink to clear my head I watched as he shut the door behind him and took off his coat. Before I knew it I was kissing him, hard, caressing his cock through his jeans.

"Undress," I spat at him as I shrugged out of my coat letting it fall to the floor. I watched him undress and lay down on the bed. I was still fully dressed and for some reason my cock wasn't cooperating. I just stood there, and he must have noticed my hesitation because he reached over and turned on the radio.

The first strains of that damn song sent me into a tailspin and I closed my eyes letting myself relive that moment with him. His smile, his eyes, that laugh. I was  spinning out of control and I had to get the fuck out of that room.

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I stood outside of his room watching him with the kid. Just like Brian to leave the curtains open for the world to see. My heart stopped when I realized that he wasn't alone, but I knew he was fighting his own personal war inside of himself and I had to see the choice he made. I don't know why I stayed, why I watched. When he turned to me, I knew I had won.

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I turned to leave and found myself staring into the bluest eyes I had ever seen.  Opening that door I fell into his arms, right back where I belonged.

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