I Want You to Know

Part 33

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I sat in Dr. Wheelan's office next to Justin, Lindsay and a withdrawn Sara. She hadn't said a word since leaving the hospital that night two and a half weeks ago and I was starting to get really worried about her. The doctor had Sara's test results and sat studying them before speaking to us.

"Mr. Kinney, Ms. Peterson, I have Sara's results here and I was hoping I could have a chance to speak with you alone before we disclose the information to her. My nurse can take her out to the small waiting area I keep for occasions such as this. I promise she won't be left alone. I just think that we should discuss the options before we have to worry her with this." She looked concerned about Sara's stability and I answered before either Justin or Lindsay could. It had been Lindsay's idea that we find Sara a female doctor and I was thankful she had.

"I think that's best, doctor." Lindsay looked at me with anger flashing in her eyes.

"No, Brian, she has a right to be here."

"Lindsay stay out of it, she is too fragile right now to deal with this."

"I'm her mother Brian, and I say she stays."

"Lindsay, don't start this shit. You may be her mother, but I'm her parent, I'm the one who spent all those nights wiping her nose when she was sick, holding her hand when she was scared, and I'm the one who sat with her for countless hours since this happened. So don't give me the 'I'm the mother' bullshit." I turned to Justin who just nodded at the doctor as the nurse came in to take Sara outside. I followed her, stopping to talk to her before I let her go.

"Sara, babydoll, if you need me just ask the nurse to come get me. I'll be there to get you in a few minutes. I love you Sara." I watched as she walked away holding onto her tattered Raggedy Ann doll she's had since she was two years old. I went back to the doctor's office and sat back down to hear what she had to say.

"Brian, Justin, Lindsay, its hard for me to have to tell you this, but Sara's pregnancy test came back positive. Now before you go thinking the worst remember there are options to consider. There is abortion, which in this case is a viable option and Sara wouldn't have to be told about the pregnancy at all."

"There is no way in fucking hell, we're aborting her baby without her approval."

"Brian, you can't be serious," Justin exclaimed. "This is not some baby she made with someone she loved, this baby came from something that has almost destroyed her." I couldn't believe what I heard coming from Brian's lips.

"I am dead serious. This baby is a part of her, part of Sara, and she deserves to decide whether or not she wants to keep it. There is no way in hell I'm letting you take that from her." I stood and left them staring after me as I went to get my daughter. Entering the small windowless room, I kneeled on the floor in front of her and caressed her beautiful face. I dreaded having to tell her more bad news but she had to know. She stared at me with that blank expression and my heart broke for the girl she used to be.

"Sara, I have to tell you something. You're pregnant babydoll. Do you understand? I know how hard this has been for you, but I need you to focus on me for a little while. You are going to have a baby Sara, and the doctor needs to know if you want to have an abortion. If you do it's okay, we will do whatever you want to do babydoll. Please, please help me figure this out."

I watched her as she struggled with wanting to speak to me and the fear that kept her silent. She handed her doll to me and pushed it towards my chest. I hugged the soft body of the doll and handed it back to her. "Baby, daddy," she whispered to me and I had my answer. I took her hand and led her down the hall to Dr. Wheelan's office and told her that under no circumstances was she to consider an abortion. I was elated over the small breakthrough with Sara and I held her close as I spoke to Justin and Lindsay.

"Sara wants to keep the baby. She told me so herself." They stared not believing me, as Sara pushed closer to me, holding onto the doll in a viselike grip. She looked up into eyes as blue as her own and whispered, "baby" handing the doll to Justin. Justin looked up at me with tears in his eyes, knowing how huge this was and held onto our daughter as tight as she was clinging to me.

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JUSTIN'S POV

I watched how she clung to Brian, like he was her lifeline and I knew how she felt. It wasn't that long ago that I looked at him like that as well. I remember being where she was, feeling like I was nothing, like there was nothing left for me to live for. I knew that Brian was strong, but was he strong enough to help her without falling apart himself. I worried about him, and about how he seemed to take everything that Sara was going through so personally.

When he told me about seeing that kid in the jail, I wanted to kiss him for being so strong and making sure that SOB knew what he had cost Sara. Brian was her hero, but at what cost to himself? I remember when I first met him, he wouldn't allow himself to love anyone, wouldn't let himself be affected by anyone. I came into his life and challenged him, and no one had done that to him before. I wouldn't let him just shut me out, I forced him to feel, to live. I sometimes wondered about what really caused him to think that sex was all there was for him. He had told me very little about his childhood, most everything I knew came from Debbie or Michael.

Maybe something in Brian's past made his need to help Sara essential so he, himself could move forward. I knew he loved her, and he never left her side when she was at her worst. He clung to her the same as she did to him. He was the only one who get her to smile or whisper something. It was like he was the only one she trusted. There was a time when he was the only one I trusted, right after Joshua. Brian was my only salvation then and he still is the one I turn to when the world seems dark and gray.

I remember him lying next to me night after night, and not touching me. Brian Kinney could have anyone he wanted in his bed and he shared it for months with someone who couldn't be touched. Every time I closed my eyes I saw Joshua's face, I was scared. I didn't know if he had given me anything and I couldn't take the chance of passing it onto Brian. Every time Brian touched me I swear I could feel Joshua's hands on me, feel his breath on my neck and I froze. I couldn't stand thinking of him inside me.

Brian was so gentle with me and so understanding. He never left my side and never made me feel alone. He was always there to tell me how much he loved me and how much I meant to him.  His words of love eventually cut through the darkness and I started to open myself up to him again. Things were going good until the trial started and it all came rushing back. Brian had to testify as to what he had witnessed and then the prosecutor tried to turn it all around. The day he jumped the witness box and attacked the prosecutor I knew that he wasn't going anywhere. I had been so afraid he would run, afraid he wouldn't be able to take the stress of dealing with a partner who had been raped, but most of all a partner who couldn't be touched.

He was so strong, strong enough for both of us. When I looked at him I smiled for the first time in months. I let him in, I trusted him to touch me, to love me. We tried a few times to make love, but the memories came rushing back and I pushed him away. I'll never forget how hurt he looked that time he was holding me, almost ready to push into me, and I started to scream and fight. It was like I had ripped his heart out. His face fell and he let himself cry freely in front of me. I'll never forget how he soothed me with his words as his world seemed to be crashing down around him. His voice was soft and gentle, "Justin, shhhh, baby, it's me. It's Brian. I'm not going to hurt you, I love you. We don't have to do anything you don't want to do baby. Just please look at me, look at me Justin. It's me, it's Brian."

I stared at him, searching for the only life line I had then. He was my salvation and now he had to relive all of it along with having to go through it with Sara. I had to stay strong for him. I couldn't let Brian down.

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I lay next to Sara, holding her, and thinking about how hard I was fighting to keep her from slipping away. She hadn't said another word since that day in the doctor's office three months ago. I knew what we had to do, but I was still trying to convince myself it was the best thing for her. I didn't want to let her go, but I had to if I ever wanted her to come back. Lying beside her I tried to think about how I was going to convince Justin to do this. He was so adamant that we could help her.

When I heard the doorbell, I made myself get out of that bed and go downstairs to get this over with. Once again I was thankful that Lindsay was trying to do what was best for Sara. Now we just had to convince Justin. I kissed Lindsay on the cheek and poured her a cup of coffee as well as myself. We sat in the kitchen around the table, none of us really touching the pie Justin had placed in front of us.

"Justin, Lindsay and I talked and we think it is best if Sara goes to St. Anne's for awhile." I waited for the drama to begin.

"There is no fucking way I'm putting her in a mental institution Brian. She's not crazy, she's just hurt."

"Justin, she needs help. More help than we can give her." Lindsay sounded defeated and I knew it was hard for to see her daughter like this. Sara and Lindsay had a good relationship and had spent many days discussing art and theater as Sara grew up.

"No, she's not going. I won't let you put her in there."

"Justin I signed the papers earlier today, she goes in tomorrow morning. I'm sorry but I had to do it for her sake. She needs help Justin, I'm at my wits end here. We can't get through to her, she is slipping away from us. If we don't let her get some help now, she may never find her way back, and I don't want to lose her."

"You had no right to commit her without my permission. She's my daughter, mine Brian." He was screaming at me through his tears and I steeled myself against the hurt that crept into my heart. I knew he was angry and scared, and I had to keep that in mind.


"Justin, Brian is only doing what's best for Sara. He loves her, you know that, he's only trying to help her. Please let him."

Justin stormed from the room and refused to speak to me. I spent the night on the couch downstairs, trying to tell myself that I really was doing the best thing for Sara. I fell into a restless sleep sometime around two. The next morning I packed a few of Sara's things in my small carryon bag, and drove her to St. Anne's. Justin refused to go with us, so Michael came along for moral support.

When I led Sara through those doors, I left a small part of my heart with her. She looked so fragile, so young, so lost. I kissed my daughter and said goodbye to her.

"Sara, I have to leave you here for a few days. I promise you I'll come by to visit you everyday. You are not alone. You never will be. I love you Sara, and I hope one day you understand why I did this."

"Daddy," She whispered the word so low I wasn't sure I had even heard it. The tears running down her face were almost too much for me to handle and I crushed her to me, holding her tightly, not wanting to let go, not wanting to walk away from my daughter.

Michael came and took her out of my embrace, trying his best to be helpful. As he walked my daughter to her room I stood, in silence, fighting my own demons. I signed the remainder of the papers and closed my eyes saying a quick prayer that I had made the right decision.

After dropping Michael at the diner I drove aimlessly for most of an hour and somehow I ended up at the cemetery. Shrugging my coat closer to me, trying hard to ignore the cold rain that had begun to fall, I walked across the dark plots to two situated back in the corner of the cemetery. I sat on the cold, wet ground, not concerned with the mud, and ran my hands across the lettering on the tombstones.

Jack Kinney. Joan Kinney.

I closed my eyes and saw flashes of my father and mother, arguing as always. I was standing there listening to them discuss how I was a mistake, my small child's mind not fully understanding what it meant. I recalled asking Claire about it that night and she told me it meant that they didn't love me and only kept me because they had to or they would go to jail or something. I remembered how much that hurt, but I didn't want her to see me cry, to see how much it hurt to hear I wasn't wanted. I had always felt like an outsider in my home, and at six years old my sister had confirmed it for me.

Opening my eyes I stared at their graves, wondering if they gave a fuck about me now anymore than they did then. I asked myself if I was any better than them. I could feel the tears slipping past my lashes and falling down my cheeks.

"Jack, it's me, sonny boy. Are you watching me from down there? Have I done you proud? Am I enough of a heartless bastard yet? Got some good news for you. I just put my own child into an asylum. Yep, now the whole world can see how much I've fucked up. Hope you're happy now."

I sat there for hours and by the time I rang the bell at Claire's I was shivering and my hands were numb from the cold. I must have looked a sight standing there in my expensive clothes, dripping water on her porch. I don't know why I went there or why she let me in. All I know is I needed to be with someone who had been there with me. When she pulled the door open I collapsed into her arms and sobbed for quite sometime before I was finally able to speak.

I told her about Sara, and my fears that I had caused this somehow. I told her about my fear that by putting her there today I had lost Justin, the only person in my life who had loved me enough to look past all my faults. If I lost Justin, I would lose it all. Everything. I would have nothing left. I would have no heart, no soul, just that same emptiness as before.

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Two days later

Justin called Brian's cell phone again, desperate to hear him pick up the phone. When he got the voice mail again he left another message pleading with Brian to come home or at least call him. When Brian hadn't come home that first night, Justin tried to convince himself he didn't care. He was almost convinced when Claire called, worried about Brian. She explained to him that Brian had been there and he had been unstable at best. She told Justin all about Brian's rantings about how he was like Jack.

Justin knew that was the one thing that Brian feared the most, being like his father. Shutting his eyes against the headache that threatened to return, Justin called Lindsay to see if she had heard from him. With no luck there Justin tried Mikey, then Emmett, and finally Gus.

"Gus, It's Justin. Have you heard from your father?" he asked hopefully.

"Not since two days ago. Didn't he come home?"

"No, no one has seen him since the day he took Sara to St. Anne's. I'm really worried about him Gus. How was he when you last saw him?"

"I don't know Justin, something seemed off with him. He wasn't himself. It was like all those stories I heard about before you two got together. He seemed distant, and closed off somehow."

"Gus, I need you to tell me everything you remember about what he said."

"Um, gee, let me think." There was silence for a moment and then Gus began to recant everything he remembered. "He kept calling me sonny boy, and talking about Jack. He said he was just like Jack, that he had managed to fuck up his kid's life. He talked about abandoning Sara when she needed him most. He apologized to me over and over for not being the father I needed and deserved. I told him that he was the best father to me, because he accepted me. I also told him that he hadn't let Sara down, he had done his best to protect her."

"Gus, how did he look?"

"He didn't look good Justin. His eyes were expressionless, honestly, he looked lost. Like Sara. Justin where do you think he is?"

"I don't know Gus, I just hope we find him before it's too late."

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I sat in the back of the dimly lit bar, a bottle of Beam unopened on the table and thought about Jack. I thought about how much alike we were. He destroyed me and now I had destroyed Sara. Granted I wasn't the one who raped her, but it was my fault. I should have been stricter with them, and I should have paid more attention to them. I let her down, and it was all because of me.

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