I Want You to Know

Part 29

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FIVE YEARS LATER

I was sitting on the couch watching some stupid movie when Justin came through the door with Gus following behind, his head down. Raising an eyebrow I looked first at my partner then my twelve-year old son, wondering what the fuck was going on now.

"What the fuck's with the,' I lost my fucking left nut' scenario?" I asked Justin as Gus ran upstairs to his room.

"Oh shit, Bri, Gus got caught at school."

"Caught doing what?" I asked a little too naively.

"Getting his dick sucked."

I stared at him, completely caught off guard, "What?"

"It gets better.  He was getting his dick sucked by one of the boys on the football team."

"Holy fucking shit! You go Gus."

"Brian he's only twelve, for God's sake, be a father not a gay man for a moment. Your son is embarrassed and frightened. Get up there and talk to him." Justin pulled me to my feet and I kissed him hard on the lips before starting up stairs. Turning back to him I asked the next logical question, "Did you call his mother?"

"Nope! I'm going to do that now, while you go talk to him." He crossed the room to the phone and I heard him call Lindsay, just as I reached Gus's door, knocking lightly, I waited for him to answer before going in. I found my son, lying on his bed face down, and had to stifle a laugh at the sight, my thoughts of him being a bottom. Shaking my head to clear the thoughts from my mind I sat down next to him on the bed.

"So I heard you had some excitement at school today Sonny boy. Care to tell dear old dad about it?"

"No!"

"Well just because you say no doesn't mean I'm going away, Gus. It would be better for you to just go ahead and tell me or I'll have to go down to the school and hear the principal's version of what happened. Then I might get the wrong idea and you might not be able to convince me of anything different."

My son sat up and looked at me with red rimmed eyes, his lashes still wet from his tears. "Dad, how did you know you were, you know, um.."

"Gay?" I finished for him. When he looked down I began, "I guess I always knew, sonny boy. But one day when I was about your age I saw one of the boys in my class naked, with a hard on, and I knew. I knew that I was different then. Before that I had been trying to convince myself that I was just confused, but after my first experience with another boy I knew there was no turning back for me."

"But didn't you fuck mom in college?"

"Hey! Don't you use that word when you talk about your mom," I corrected him. "Your mother and I did have an intimate relationship but that is nothing you should even be concerned with. I wasn't out then, Gus. Things were different for me. My family wasn't supportive and I had no one to turn to. Your mom came into my life and I loved her, I still do. I even tried to be like everyone else, but I was unhappy. I needed to be myself and she needed to be herself. We both knew we were gay, maybe that's why we wound up together, who knows. I told your mom that even though I loved her, I liked boys, and she admitted she liked girls. We are who we were always meant to be now. She's happy with Julie, and I'm happier with Justin than I have ever been."

"But, wasn't it hard? I mean to be gay?" Gus was trying to understand and I knew he was searching for answers I wasn't so sure I had.

"Yes, it was hard at first, but once I made up my mind to just be myself, things got better. I couldn't tell your grandmother or grandfather, because they wouldn't have understood. Luckily I had Debbie and Michael. I had a support system there, and without them I hate to think about where I would be."

"Dad, did you always love Justin?"

"I think I loved Justin before I even knew he existed. When he came into my life I wasn't looking for love. Hell, I didn't even believe in love, he changed that. That night two of the most important people in my life arrived. Justin gave me the strength to love you, to find happiness in the ordinary, and to be loved. I thank God everyday for him and for you."

"Dad, if I ask you something will you be honest with me?"

"Gus, I have never lied to you and I'm not going to start now."

"Did you fuck a lot of men before Justin?"

"Yes, I did, and a lot more after Justin. That was something I was good at Gus, something I could control. I didn't have a good childhood and there wasn't much I could control in my life, but I could control the men I slept with and the men I took home."

"So what made you stop?"

"Justin. I realized how much he meant to me, and how much I had hurt him. I never wanted to be the reason he was hurting. We've been through hell and back Gus, but we've been there together. I love him and he loves me, we're lucky that we found each other when we did, though I didn't know it at the time."

"Dad, I know that Justin got hurt after his prom, what happened?"

The tears welled up in my eyes as my mind flashed back to that night. "Yes he was hurt, sonny boy, really bad. Some kid in his class didn't like the fact that Justin was gay and thought he had to rid the world of the fags. After the prom, Hobbs followed us out to the parking garage and when Justin turned to go back in, he hit him with a baseball bat."

"But Justin's okay now?"

"He is. He had a long road to recovery and even to this day, something happens that reminds us of that night."

"I'm glad he's okay."

"Me too sonny boy. Me too."

"Thanks dad." He hugged me and I smiled as I hugged him back.

"No problem, kiddo. Just be careful Gus, and remember I am always here for you and so is your mother and Justin. You're much too young to be thinking about sex, but if you are determined to do it, please be smart and use a condom, always!"

Just as I was about to open the door to leave, Lindsay bursts in, yelling, "What the fuck do you think you're doing Brian? He's only twelve, he shouldn't even know what a condom is."

"Fuck Lindsay, this isn't the 1950s. So he got his dick sucked, big deal, he didn't shoot some kid or blow up the school. Fuck, I'm just happy about that."

"Damn you Brian, this is serious. You should be in here telling him how wrong this is."

"What and lie to him? I don't lie to my son, Lindsay. He's going to learn it from somewhere, better he get the right information from me than end up dead on the street someplace."

"Did you tell him about AIDS and STDs? Did you tell him about everything you lost because of your promiscuity?"

"Mom, I know all about AIDS."

"And how do you know about AIDS, Gus?" she whipped around to face him.

"From when Justin had to be tested after what that sicko did to him. And Uncle Vic and Ben told me some things once when I asked them about living with it."

"Face it Linds, your baby boy is growing up. Before you know it he'll be getting his dick sucked at school," I called over my shoulder as I walked out the door.

Once downstairs I had to deal with Justin. Frankly I could only handle one drama queen a day, that was my limit.

"So what was all the yelling about up there?"

"Oh you know, Lindsay is freaking out that I told Gus about being gay."

"What exactly did you tell him?"

"The truth."

"Well fuck Brian, I'd be pissed too. I hope you don't plan to be that honest with the girls."

"Justin, don't start, I'm going to be just as honest with them as I am with Gus. They deserve the truth."

"You say that now, but wait until the first time one of them asks you about sex, you'll be convincing them that sex is evil."

"I'll never say sex is evil, Justin. Besides they're still babies, they won't be thinking about sex and boys for years."

Justin laughed at me, shaking his head. "They're eight years old Bri, only four years younger than the kid upstairs who was getting his dick sucked in the locker room today."

"Yeah, but they don't have dicks."

As he walked back toward the kitchen, he called over his shoulder, "Yeah well one day they just may like to suck them."

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Lindsay sat on the bed next to Gus and tried her best to be open-minded and think of her son as an adult and not a baby. She wanted to gather him in her arms and hug the hurt away. Taking a deep breath she began, "Gus, what you did today was inappropriate."

"Why mom? Because I did it or because I did it at school?" His eyes pleaded with her to understand how hard this was for him to be talking about with his mother.

"Because you did it, baby. You're too young to be having sex of any kind Gus." She shook her head, thinking of how much like his father he really was.

"But dad was only two years older than me when he lost his virginity."

"My point exactly. Do you want to end up like your father?"

"If it means that I'll be happy and in love with someone like Justin, then yes. Maybe dad wasn't the best father or the best person when he was younger, but look at him now mom. Look at how much he loves his kids, and how much he loves Justin. Look at what he's done for us. Why do you have to bust his balls all the time?"

"Because I don't want him falling back into the trap of who he was. Gus, you look at his life and it looks glamorous, it wasn't. You weren't around for the heartache he went through when he lost Justin, or when his mother found out he was gay. He was so hurt by what his parents had done to him and it almost destroyed him. I don't want that for you. I want you to be happy, whether you're gay or straight."

"Mom, I'm gay."

"Gus you don't have to make up your mind now." Lindsay regretted the words as they came out of her mouth.

"Mom, it's true, I'm gay. So are you. So is dad and Justin. Fuck mom, so is almost everyone I know and grew up with. What's so wrong with me saying it now? I've known I was different since as long as I can remember."

"Gus, you're just so young. You have your whole life ahead of you. You should still be playing with Matchbox cars and video games, not getting your dick sucked in the locker room at school. What were you thinking?"

"I was thinking it felt good. I liked him mom. I'm not a kid anymore, things are different from when you and dad were kids."

"You're so much like your father it's scary. Gus I love you, you know that, but you can't just go around getting your dick sucked whenever you want. Sex is something that should be special between two people. You should wait until you find someone you love, who loves you back."

"Mom, that is such a woman thing to say. Sex is not all that unless you make it so. Sex is different for men than women. We learned that in Sex Ed. Just last week."

"Gus, just don't do it again at school. As much as I hate to say it, I must agree with your father, please use condoms."

An hour later she sat around the kitchen table with Justin, Brian and Julie, shaking her head and wondering how she was going to survive puberty with Gus. Looking up at Brian she said quietly, "I didn't realize how much of an influence you were on him."

"At least he's being honest with us and talking about it," Justin said trying to smooth things over between the parents.

"He's not your son, Justin. Do you want Brian telling the girls all the things he said to Gus today?"

"No, but if he's honest with them, then at least they know the truth. He wasn't trying to make it worse, he just wanted Gus to see that what he did wasn't so wrong."

"Do you honestly believe that Justin?"

"Yes, I do. Brian has never lied to his kids, any of them, and he loves Gus. Wouldn't you rather your son feel like he can talk openly and honestly with his father? At least they have a relationship, I would have given anything to have my father accept me for who I am."

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As they continued to discuss my son's sex life and well being I stood and went upstairs. Some things Gus had said weighed heavily on me and I needed some time to sort through them. Sitting down on our bed I picked up Justin's pillow, putting it to my nose and inhaling the scent of him. It hadn't changed in all these years, he still smelled like oranges mingled with that damn Irish Spring soap he continued to use. I loved that smell, though I would never tell him that. I let my mind wander back over the last five years and smiled at all the good times we had shared.

Justin had come back from the beach almost back to his old self, he laughed more, and smiled at me. When we got those first set of tests back and they were negative we celebrated by making love. Six months later when the second set came back negative we celebrated by making love again, only this time bareback.

I can still feel his skin against mine, his tight hole quivering around my unsheathed cock as I moved inside of him. I can still feel him clinging to me that night, as if he was afraid that if he let go I would disappear. I have felt that way about him all the time. I still wonder sometimes if he knows how much he means to me. Justin changed me, he made me want to be a better father, a better man. Where would I be without him?

My thoughts are interrupted by a small blonde standing in front of me with tears streaming down her face. I picked Willow up and soothed her. She had been having these same nightmares since that night I killed Joshua. I ached for my daughter, for the pain she struggled with on a daily basis. Rocking her she drifted back into a quiet sleep and I lay back on the bed with her and drifted off to sleep once again with my arms around a small beautiful blonde.

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