I Want You to Know

Part 26

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I sat in the damp yellow room and thought about what I had done. My mind replayed Justin's words over and over again as he told Joshua he didn't love me, I knew that he hadn't meant it, that he was just trying to get the man to let the girls go, but the words cut like a knife every time I heard them. I lay back on the hard mattress and closed my eyes, only to hear the guard calling my name.

"Kinney, you got a visitor. Let's go." He cuffed me again and led me to the visitation room. When I entered the dark room, I found Justin sitting there waiting for me. When he saw me he jumped to his feet and hugged me close. I longed to hug him back, to hold him tight, but my hands were still cuffed behind my back.  I kissed the top of his head and stepped out of his embrace. Sitting down across from him I watched him as he nervously sat down.

"I'm sorry Brian. I didn't know you were in the house. I didn't know what else to do. I just had to get him away from the girls and it was the only thing I could think of."

"Its no big deal, you did what you had to do. I'm not blaming you. What I do want to know is how he got in the house." I waited for him to fill me in.

"I had taken the girls to my mom's for a few hours and went to the gym, then to the store, and after picking them up, we went to McDonalds for dinner. When We got home I took them upstairs and put them down for the night since it was getting late. I went to our bedroom to take a shower and when I walked back in he was sitting on the bed. He was holding a gun, asking me where you were, stupidly, I told him the truth."

I could see he wasn't telling me everything, the way he avoided my eyes was not like Justin at all. He was always open and honest with me; even when he knew it would hurt. This time he was holding something back and I had to know. "What aren't you telling me? I want to know everything."

His silence said so much and I felt the bile rise in my throat as my mind wrapped around just what it was he wasn't saying. "Tell me, I have to know."

"Don't make me do this Brian, please. Don't make me hurt you."

"Tell me!" I raised my voice.

He continued to let his tears fall, his voice broke as he spoke, the words seemingly choking him. "He...he told me to undress, I had no choice, he threatened to kill the girls if I didn't do what he said. When I was naked he told me to masturbate while he watched. I closed my eyes thinking of you making love to me. When I moaned your name, he got angry, hitting me in the face with the handle of the gun."

For the first time I noticed the faint blue-green bruise on his cheek, and desperately wanted to touch him, to kiss his pain away. Sobbing as he continued, not knowing how  much longer I could sit here listening to him.

"He, Brian, I can't do this. I just can't tell you."

"You can and you will," I looked at him, trying to harden my expression. I knew if he kept it inside it would eat at him until it tore us apart. At least this way it would be out in the open and we could move past it.

He closed his eyes, refusing to look at me as he spoke, "he...he pulled me to him and...and," stopping for a moment. His sobs ate at my very soul, I wanted to hold him, to make him see how much I loved him. He looked up at me, tears streaming down his face, staring into my eyes as he continued, "he pushed me to the bed face down. I felt him push into me without lube and I screamed out against the pain .  My whole body felt like it was on fire, screaming against the intrusion." His body shook with his painful sobs I went to him, kneeling on the floor in front of him, doing my best to hold him; he leaned against me, and I cried along with him.

After a few more minutes of crying together, he went on, "I cried the whole time, begging him to please just leave us alone.  Hearing the door open, I heard Kaelin call out for me, turning I saw her standing there with a confused look on her face. Joshua pulled out of me and allowed me to pull on a robe, and go to comfort her. Eventually all of the girls ended up in the bedroom with us. We spent the night on the bed, me tied to the post and Joshua in the chair with the gun, holding Sara in his lap. I didn't sleep much, and when Emmett arrived the next day I was worn out. Once he was there it was kind of nice to have someone to help with the girls. Joshua never left us alone but at least I had someone there to be scared with."

"Justin did he...?" I trailed off not wanting to ask the question for fear of the answer. He looked at me and I knew the truth before he answered me.

"No, Brian, he didn't use a condom."

"Fuck, baby. I'm so sorry. I wish I could get out of here right now and take you home and hold you tonight."

"It's okay, we're staying with my mom tonight."

"How is Willow?"

"She's a trouper, the bullet only grazed her arm. She has been released already and is at home with my mom and Debbie. They said there should be no permanent damage to her arm, but she will have a scar."

"God, I was so scared when I saw the blood, Justin. I thought he had killed her. It would have all been my fault too."

"Don't say that, if you hadn't shown up, I don't know what I would have done, or what he would have done. Thank you Brian."

My answer was interrupted by the guard who came to inform us our time was up. I kissed him one last time, telling him everything would be fine even when I wasn't so sure of that myself. Back in my cell I sat staring at the walls wishing I could be home to hold Willow and to answer Kaelin's questions. My girls needed me and I couldn't be there, knowing that tore me up. As I was sitting with my head in my hands crying, Carl showed up.

"Brian," he nodded towards me.

"Hey Carl, any chance I'll get out of here tonight?" I asked hopefully.

"Sorry Brian, the arraignment was scheduled for day after tomorrow. Looks like you'll be in here for two days at least. Have you been questioned yet?"

"No, aren't you in charge of that?"

"I'm trying to get assigned to it but don't count on it. Oh and Brian, you go before Judge Sullivan."

"Isn't that the judge who let that bastard go in the first place?"

"The same. Just keep your mouth shut, and get a good lawyer."

"Yeah, I guess I need to do that now that Melanie isn't around anymore."

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Justin stood outside the loft he used to call home, banging on the door. When the young brunette opened the door he introduced himself, "Hi, I'm Justin Taylor-Kinney, an old friend of Melanie Marcus."

"Hi Justin, I know who you are, how's Brian?" she asked.

"He's in a lot of trouble, and could use a good attorney. I know you worked with Melanie; she used to speak highly of you. Listen, Ms. Hill, he needs help, and I was hoping you could help him."

"Justin, I don't know about this, it's going to take a lot of work to get him off, considering who the judge is."

"I know who the judge is, that's why I came to you. He needs the best and you're the best."

It took Justin another hour to convince her to help Brian.  Accepting the case she left to speak with him. Brian walked into the interrogation room and smiled when he saw her sitting there.

"Hi," he said.

"Hi yourself Brian."

"How's the loft?"

"Fine, how are you holding up?"

"I'm fine, how the hell did you know I was here?"

"Well considering the fact that your face is plastered on every newspaper in town and you're the lead story on the 6 o'clock news, I sort of had an idea. Oh, and your lover wouldn't get the fuck out of my house until I agreed to be your lawyer. He's adorable but persistent."

"How long before you gave in," he asked her with a laugh.

"About an hour. How long before you gave in?" she asked.

"Too long. So how do you plan to get me out of here, and can you do it soon. I can't stand the filth, and the food is atrocious."

"Well I'm sorry but I can't help you with the food, but, I can help you get out of here."

"And just how do you plan to do that?"

"I have a secret weapon," she stood to leave, "Oh and be ready for court tomorrow, I got your date moved up."

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I walked into the courtroom and sat next to Christine Hill, my defense attorney. I only hoped she was as good as she believed she was. I sat back in my chair and waited to be dazzled.

"Your Honor, Christine Hill for the defense."

"Ms. Hill, how does your client plea to the charges of murder in the first degree?"

"Not Guilty."

"I'll set the trial for one month from today."

"Your Honor, Mr. Taylor-Kinney has a family here in Pittsburgh, he has six small children and a partner of almost six years. We request he be released on his own recognizance."

"Ms. Hill, I'm sure you are aware that this state doesn't recognize same sex partnerships, which makes that point null and void. As for his children, I am aware of the fact that they exist, but their existence has no bearing on this proceeding."

"And I'm sure, Your Honor, that you understand how those children feel without their father, considering that the man he is accused of murdering, shot one of those children and raped their biological father."

"I've heard enough, Ms. Hill. I'll recess for five minutes and return with a decision about Mr. Kinney's release."

"His name is Mr. Taylor-Kinney, Your Honor."

"Ms. Hill approach the bench."

I watched her walk up to the judge's bench, wondering just what it was I had gotten myself into. "Ms. Hill, I don't like your attitude in this case. Be careful, young lady, I can throw you off of this case," Judge Sullivan warned.

"Judge Sullivan, I'm sure you can understand my client's position here. He has  a family to support and a partner he loves a great deal. I'm sure you wouldn't like your pretty new wife at home to know just why it is ou spend every night at the club. How would it look for it to be leaked to the press that you were presiding over your former lover's murder case."

"That's enough, Ms. Hill. Don't push me. You won't win."

"Oh I think I will, one way or another, Brian will be going home today."

She walked back to the table with more of a swing in her hips than when she went up there. I was asked to stand as I waited to hear whether I would be able to go home today.

"Mr. Taylor-Kinney, I see no reason why you should run or try to avoid prosecution, so with that in mind, I am releasing you on an unsecured $300,000 bond. Now let me give you a piece of advise sir, keep your nose clean. If you so much as get a parking ticket, I can and will revoke your bond."

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I spent the next two weeks with my girls and Justin. Thinking back on those two weeks was hard for me. Justin did his best to be his old self, but I could see how much all of this had affected him. It wasn't making it any easier on him that the prosecutor was determined to use his relationship with Joshua against me. Christine was doing her best to prepare us for the worst, but how do you prepare someone for having their most personal moments put on display.

After spending that first night with the girls, playing and coloring, I finally went to bed. Pulling Justin close, I almost cried when he flinched at my touch. Whispering, "Shhh, baby, it's just me, It's just Brian, you don't have to be scared of me. I love you."

"I love you too, Brian." He struggled to push away from me and I held him tighter. I wanted him to know I wasn't going anywhere. Looking down into his eyes, seeing the fear there, I let him go. He slid across the bed, away from me and turned over to sleep. I spent that first night watching him sleep, the tears flowing unchecked down my face. My heart broke for him and all that he was feeling.

The next day he kept his distance from me, using the girls as an excuse. I let him have the time he needed to deal with all he had been through. I sat in Willow's room, holding her in my lap while we played Barbies with Kaelin and Sascha. I couldn't believe how big they had gotten. I was completely unprepared for dealing with young girls and that is what they were.

"Dadda, do you and daddy still love each other?" I stared at Kaelin, surprise registered in my eyes as I thought about what she had asked. Then I remembered that she witnessed Joshua in the act.

"Of course we love each other, baby doll, that will never change. You know that even if something were to happen between daddy and dadda, we would still love you."

"But daddy was kissing the bad man." Before I could answer her Sascha spoke up, "Daddy didn't kiss him, he kissed daddy." Throwing her Barbie at Kaelin she stormed out of  the room. I caught her just as she reached the door, carrying her back to where the other girls were.

"Listen girls, daddy didn't do anything wrong. The bad man had a gun, and he said he would hurt you or daddy if daddy didn't do what he told him to. Daddy loves you girls so much that he would do anything for you. Do you understand that?"

I waited until the girls nodded and continued, "Sometimes we have to do things we don't want to do because someone forces us. Daddy and I are still your daddys, and we are going to be together for the rest of our lives. No one is going to tear us apart, and no one is going to break up our family. We love you girls and we love one another."

Later that night as I lay in bed waiting for Justin, I thought about what I had told the girls earlier that day. I loved Justin, and I knew that he loved me, I only hoped it was enough to get us through this period of emotional stress.

He slid into the bed next to me and tried to stay on his side of the massive bed. "Justin, please let me help you  baby."

"I'm fine, Brian, just tired." he lied.

"Don't shut me out. Don't let him win. I love you." Forcing him to look at me, "I love you," I repeated

"I love you too, Brian." He kissed me softly at first, then opening his mouth to allow me to explore the depths of him. I caressed him gently, trying to make him understand that I loved him and that I would never hurt him. Our kiss deepened and I moaned his name, longing to be one with him. As I pushed him over to expose his soft ass, I heard his scream. It pierced my soul and tore at my heart.

"Justin, Justin baby, I'm sorry. it's me  Brian." I turned him back over to face me and saw the tears streaming down his face. I tried to comfort him, to make sure he knew that I wasn't going to hurt him. He pulled away from me and when I touched him he flinched. Grabbing my robe, I left the bedroom and headed for the kitchen. Unlocking the liquor cabinet I sat on the floor with an unopened bottle of Beam at my feet.

"God, I need a drink, " I said to no one in particular. I was still sitting there an hour later when the phone rang.

"Yeah?"

"Dad?"

"Gus? What are you doing calling at three am? Are you okay?"

"I'm fine dad, are you?" I couldn't believe that Gus was now almost seven years old. He was growing up so fast and I had my suspicions he was gay.

"I'm okay, don't you have school tomorrow? Shouldn't you be sleeping?"

"I needed to talk to you, dad. I needed to make sure you were alright. Mom said you needed some time alone with Justin and the girls but I needed to hear for myself."

"Your mom was wrong to tell you that. You are part of our family Gus, and if you  need me, I'm here for you. But Gus, you can't just get up and call at three in the morning. Go back to bed, I'll come get you in the morning and we'll spend the day together."

"Mom's not going to let me skip school."

"I'll deal with your mother, now go back to bed. Oh and Gus, I love you."

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The next afternoon Brian sat at a table in the diner with his children, and the conversation revolved around the shooting. It was Willow who asked the first question and it was one that almost sent Brian over the edge.

"Dadda, why did the prince shoot me?" Looking up at her father with such innocence it tore at my heart.

"Well, sweet pea, sometimes people need help because they're sad and no one loves them. So sometimes they do things that they really shouldn't do. I don't think he meant to hurt you, he was scared and he just acted without thinking."

"Were you scared when you shot him dadda?" Sara asked her father.

"Yes, I was. I was scared he was going to hurt you or one of your sisters. He had daddy in there with him and I was scared he was going to hurt daddy or Emmett."

"But dadda, the bad man died. So why is daddy still so sad?" Thea asked with a confused look on her tiny face.

Brian looked at his children, staring into the little faces of Justin and then at his own reflection with Gus. It was Gus who answered Thea.

"Justin is sad cause Dad is in trouble for shooting the bad man Thea. Dad may go to jail."

"That's enough Gus, I'm not going to jail. Don't scare your sisters."

"But mom said that this judge hates gays. Why?"

"Well Gus, I don't know. I really don't know why he would hate gays."

"Dadda, what is gay?" Kaelin asked.

"Well honey, gay is when a boy loves another boy or a girl loves another girl and they have a relationship. They just love differently."

"So why does the judge hate gays?" Sara wanted to know. It was Sascha who answered as Brian sat stunned at what she said.

"Because he's an asshole."

"Sascha, don't use those words, even if it's true." Turning to Sara, Brian tried to explain, "Sometimes people hate what they don't understand. It's up to us to help them see that we are just like them, that we love and feel the same as they do. But you're still too young to have to worry about that. You let Daddy and I  deal with it. Everything will work out," Brian reassured his children.

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I sat in the courthouse waiting for the trial to start and for Christine to join me. Justin had stepped away to use the restroom and I was alone when she walked up.

"Hey Brian, how're the kids?"

"Good, growing up way too fast if you ask me. Gus asked me about sex just the other day."

"And what did you tell him?"

"That he was too fucking young to be fucking."

"Good answer. How's Justin?"

"I'm worried about him. He won't let me touch him, he won't talk about what happened." I stopped short when I saw him coming. Just as he reached me the baliff called our case. I stepped into the brightly lit courtroom, ready to face my fate.

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