I Want You to Know

Part 2

Notes: Thank you to my beautiful beta Susan, what would I do without you...Oh and to Luke thanks for helping me when I was stuck....Misty this one is all your fault....

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I awoke with the sun in my eyes and my head feeling like it had been run over by a tank, the events of the previous night flood my consciousness as I see his clothes scattered across the floor. Turning over to watch him sleep, nostalgia rushes in as I realize that this morning is much like I have been used to. Only this time is different, this time he isn't MY boyfriend, his heart now belongs to another. Shaking off the sleep that clouds my mind I think back over what happened here only a few short hours ago and smile to myself, remembering how good it felt to have him inside me again; just like old times.

Watching him stretch awake, I brace myself for what must be done. As much as it will hurt I know it must be done. I don't want him back this way. I want him to come back on his own; not because of what I said, so I'll just feign ignorance of the words as if I don't remember saying them. And when he's gone again, then I'll let myself feel.

"Brian,mmmm, morning," he says sleepily turning over to smile at me. That smile will be my downfall one day. I wonder if he knows how much it affects me?

"Shouldn't you be getting home to your *boyfriend*? I'll bet he's worried about you." Steeling myself against the feelings that come rushing back to me as the hurt rushes into his eyes. I can see him remembering what I said, and now he thinks I only said it to get him into bed, to hurt him. I wanted to tell him how much I meant those words and I wish I wasn't the reason he looked so sad all of a sudden.

"Yeah, I guess I should." Watching him gather his things, it is not an easy task to fight back the desire to go to him, to ask him to stay, and to tell him I love him once again. As he turns to look at me one last time, I turn and look away, terrified he will read my thoughts. The click of the door behind him, tells me that another chapter of our lives is closing.

"I love you," I whisper, even though he is gone, gone from my bed, from my life, and from me; perhaps forever.

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Justin walked into the apartment he shared with Ethan as quietly as he could, hoping that his lover would still be asleep. When he sees him sitting on the couch, waiting, a short sigh escapes his lips and Justin braces himself for what was about to happen.

"Just tell me, were you with him?" Ethan asked the blonde, knowing the answer before the question was even asked.

Justin looked at him sitting there, two glasses and half filled bottle of whiskey on the table, and smiled apologetically. Without saying a word, he walked past his obviously angry lover towards the bathroom. Turning on the shower, he heard Ethan come in behind him.

"Tell me Justin, you owe me that much. Did you fuck him?"

"Yes, I did," he turned to look his lover in the eye ready to face his anger. "I didn't plan it, I even tried to stop it, but I just couldn't. I wanted him Ethan, more than I didn't want to hurt you. I can't explain it and saying I'm sorry won't make you feel any better, all I can do is be honest with you. I love you Ethan, but the feelings aren't the same when I'm with him. I can't explain it, there are no words. All I can tell you is that when I'm with him it's heaven on earth and when we're apart all I can think about is when I'll be with him again. When he pulls me close and holds me tight I feel safer than I do anywhere else. There is no better feeling in the world than to love Brian Kinney expect maybe to be loved by him. No matter how hard I try, I can't stop loving him. Maybe it isn't what's best for me and maybe I should just give up on the two of us but I can't. Ethan I'm sorry, I tried to love you the way I love him, I really did. But you aren't him. You can never take his place, no matter how long we're together, I'll always be thinking of Brian. When I close my eyes, it's his face I see, His lips are the ones kissing me and it's his body next to me.  I open my eyes and it's you that is laying beside me, and it's disappointment and regret that I feel.

"I can't believe you Justin. I can't believe you let him suck you back into that sick twisted life of his. He never loved you and he never will. Go ahead and throw away the one good thing in your life for a dream, but just remember when he breaks your heart again, I won't be around this time to pick up the pieces. Go back to him, back to the man you think you love."

"Whether you believe me or not Ethan I never wanted to hurt you. I do love you, but I love Brian more. You deserve better than to be second best. I'll be out of here in an hour."

"Whatever. Just go, just go back to HIM."

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An incessant pounding on the door, made me aware I was still lying in bed, curled up in the spot Justin has just vacated.  Pulling myself out of bed, I open the door to find Mikey standing there, moving aside I let him in without a word.

"Nice to see you too asshole."

"Fuck you Mikey. What do you want?"

"To make sure you're alive. And to make sure you didn't do anything stupid."

"Too late."

"Well you aren't dead, so I'll assume you did something stupid. What did you do?"

"I fucked him, or more to the point I let him fuck me. AGAIN."

"YOU WHAT?"

"It gets worse, then I told him I loved him."

"YOU WHAT?"

"Shut the fuck up. I'm not done yet. I sent him back to his boyfriend this morning."

"Are you fucking stupid? You tell him you love him, and. . . Wait. Did you really mean it or was it just to get him into bed? Then you sent him home to the boyfriend? Who the fuck are you?"

I look down and smile evilly back at him, "Well I'm still 10 inches cut so I guess that makes me Brian Kinney. YES I meant it, and I had already blown him at that point so what would be the use of saying it once he's naked?"

"Ok let me get this straight here, 'cause well, I'm confused. First you let him fuck YOU, then you tell him you love him, THEN you send him home to Ethan? Have you lost your fucking mind? Why did you send him back?"

Michael was looking at me like I had antennas growing out of my ass and all I could do was laugh. "I sent him home because that's where he belongs."

"He belongs here with you, Brian. He loves you, can't you see that?"

"Yeah, I know he does, and I love him too, but I can't do this again."

"Do what again? Be happy?"

"No, I just can't take the chance that he'll leave again. I can't learn to live without him all over again. I'd rather never have him back then face losing him again."

"Brian, the boy loves you, and you love him, isn't that enough? Let yourself be happy for once, go find him and tell him you love him again, and then bring him home."

I stood shaking my head at the idea of going and looking for Justin. I knew where he was and I had no desire to be anywhere near where him and his lover. Sinking down onto my chaise, I looked at Mikey and smiled sadly. No words were needed, he knew that I wouldn't go, and I knew that Justin wouldn't come back, even after last night.

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Lugging his duffle bag and boxes into his mom's apartment, Justin explained what happened.

"Mom, Can I leave this stuff here for a few days? Just until I find a place to stay."

"What? I thought you were living with Ethan?"

"I was until last night happened."

"OH NO. What happened? Or should I ask who?"

"You know, Mom. I was with Brian last night. I didn't plan it and neither did he, it just happened. I'm glad it did, he finally admitted he loves me. Only I don't think he remembers saying it."

"Oh, honey. What do you plan to do now?"

"Get him back."

"Well, you are welcome to stay here, honey, but there are rules."

"And rule number one is 'don't see Brian Kinney' right?"

"No, honey, rule number one is 'get your ass out there and make him remember telling you'. Just be careful Justin, I don't want your heartbroken again."

"Thanks Mom," Justin pressed a kiss to her cheek and opened the door, turning back to add, " Mom, I plan to do just that. Thanks for understanding."

Justin walked into the comic book store finding Michael engrossed in the latest X-Men. "Hey Michael, are you busy?"

"Not really."

"Cool. Um, I had an idea for RAGE."

"So spill it."

"Okay. Maybe Rage takes JT back to his lair and lets him fuck him, which in the process, transfers some of Rage's powers to JT. Mainly the mind control power, which JT uses to convince Rage that he loves him."

"Sounds familiar. It could work."

"Okay, so when should we start work on it?"

"Anytime after you go talk to Brian."

"Why would I want to talk to Brian?"

"Don't be coy with me. I know everything, and you need to go talk to him NOW. Just be gentle, this is all new for him."

"Thanks Michael."

"I'll see you tonight."

Justin practically ran the six blocks to Brian's loft and took the stairs two at a time not wanting to wait on the elevator. He stood knocking loudly for a few minutes before sliding the door open to find Brian asleep on the couch. Sitting on the floor next to him, Justin laid his head on Brian's chest and watched him sleep.

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I awoke to find him sitting there on the floor watching me. He smiled that unnerving smile and I kissed the top of his head before I could stop myself.

"What are you doing here?"

"I missed you."

"Funny, I was just thinking the same thing. But seriously why are you here? Shouldn't you be home with Ian?"

"No, I'm not with *Ian* anymore."

"OH," was all I could manage. He was watching me trying to gage my reaction, which I was desperately  trying to hide. Stretching, I broke the contact between us and stood to look down at him. He looked so beautiful sitting there, I had to get away, not sure if I could trust myself not to profess my love for him again. I walked to the window and stared out at the rain that had started to fall.

"Brian, don't do that." I could hear the pleading in his voice.

"Do what?"

"Shut me out. I love you Brian."

I stood silently waiting for him to take it back again. After what felt like hours, he stood behind me with his arms around my waist.

"Did you hear me? I said I love you Brian."

"I heard you."

"Is that all you have to say? Why are you shutting me out again? Why can't you just be honest with  yourself and with me? That's all I ever asked from you."

"I've always been honest with you Justin. I told you from the beginning not to expect anything from me, because I'm not capable of giving you what you want. You had someone who was willing to give you the love you so desperately needed."

"Yes, I did, there was only one problem with that, he wasn't you. No matter how hard he tried, or how much he loved me, he could never take your place. I could never love him the way I love you."

"Justin stop. I can't do this, not now." I turned and pushed him away from me, walking towards the kitchen for a drink. He grabbed my arm, stopping me, I turned back to look at him, he stood there looking hopeful. I just couldn't break his heart again, not when he looked at me like, with such love and devotion in his eyes. Closing my eyes, I gave in.

"God, don't you know what you mean to me? I love you Justin. I love you so much and that scares the hell out of me. I can't risk you leaving, or having to learn to live without you again, it would kill me."

"Brian, you don't have to be scared of loving me. I love you back. I always have, and as for me leaving you again, just try to get rid of me. I'm not going anywhere. Even when I wasn't here my heart was, I was always with you Brian. I love you."

I crushed him to me and claimed his mouth with mine, my mind reeling from what I knew I had to do next.

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