I Want You to Know

Part 17

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Justin held the envelope with his name on it trying to decide whether to open it or not. Finally deciding to open it, a picture fell to the floor and he bent to pick it up. Holding the picture in his shaking hands he turned it over to find himself and Brian on their wedding day, arms around each other, smiling at the camera. Their silver bands glinting in the light from the dance floor. A tear fell onto the picture and he sat down on the edge of his bed and unfolded the single sheet of paper.

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Justin,

I'm not giving up on us. I love you and I know that you love me. Together we can get through anything. Please don't shut me out of your life. Not now. Just tell me what I have to do to make you see how much you mean to me, I'll do anything.

'And if I said
I really knew you well
What would your answer be?
If you were here today.

Well, knowing you
You'd probably laugh and say
That we were worlds apart
If you were here today.

But as for me
I still remember how it was before
And I am holding back the tears no more
I love you.

What about the time we met?
Well I suppose that you could say that
We were playing hard to get,
Didn't understand a thing
But we could always sing.

What about the night we cried?
Because there wasn't any reason left
To keep it all inside,
Never understood a word
But you were always there with a smile.

And if I say I really loved you
And was glad you came along
Then you were here today
For you were in my song
Here today.'

Read the words my love. I love you and I'm not just going to disappear. We have a future ahead of us. I love you

Brian Taylor-Kinney

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Justin held the note up to his lips, and breathed in the slight scent of Brian that permeated from the paper. His tears continued to fall unchecked onto the page and when he noticed they had started to smear the words he folded the paper and placed it back in it's envelope. Opening the drawer of the stand next to the bed, Justin pulled a small key out and pulled a box from under the bed. Opening it he examined the things inside, a rose from the wedding, the matchbook with their names embossed on it, adding the letter and picture to the pile. Rummaging through the metal box he searched for the one thing he knew he had to have. Pulling it out he locked the box back and ran downstairs to look for a large envelope. Addressing it to Brian he slid the object inside and penned the address to the loft on the outside. He hoped that Brian had had his mail forwarded. Just as he was about to close the clasp, he decided to write a note.

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I held the envelope in my hand and willed myself to open it. I knew it was from Justin and that scared me. I just had to know what it was he sent me, even if it was something I didn't want.

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Brian

Please stop this, don't make it any harder than it already is. It's time to move on. As much as I love you, it can't stop the pain anymore. Please leave me alone. Please. If you ever loved me, let me go.

Justin

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I pulled out the white scarf covered in his blood and wrapped it around myself, sobbing as I sank to the floor. Without realizing I had done so, I screamed NO and continued to spiral into the depression that threatened to take hold of me. How could he do this to me? How could he just give up on us? Justin was always the strong one, the one who fought for us. Maybe I should just give up. Maybe it was really time to move on, to let him go.

As I sat there with that scarf around my neck, I thought of my life without him. I couldn't live without Justin. Without him I was nothing. Without him my father was right, I was no good. Justin gave me the strength to live, to love. I needed him and I refused to give up on us. There was no way I would say goodbye to him. NEVER.

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Justin was just starting his shift at the diner when Brian walked in, looking like hell. He watched as his lover sat in the back booth and tapped his fingers on the table nervously. He went to pour him a cup of coffee without looking at him. Brian caught his hand in his and looked up at him with sad eyes, the look in them scared him and he stood frozen staring at his lover. Brian's voice was barely a whisper when he spoke, "Justin please sit down. I just want to talk to you."

"There's nothing left to say Brian. I can't keep doing this."

"Please?" Brian sounded desperate and Justin slid into the seat across from him.

"Make it quick, I'm busy." Justin avoided his lover's eyes, knowing that if he let his guard down for even a second Brian would find a way back into his heart.

Brian sat in silence for another few seconds collecting his thoughts before speaking. "I love you. I just want you to know that."

"Brian, don't do this. Just leave me alone."

"I can't just let you go. I can't, why can't you see that? Why can't you see how much I love you? What did I do that was so bad that you stopped loving me?"

"What did you do? You're not seriously asking me what you did. Don't you remember telling me that I was nothing to you? Don't you remember telling me how much you hated me? Don't you remember walking out on me? Or was that all just another one of your games? I'm sick of playing by your rules, Brian. You don't know how to love. You never did. Maybe Michael was right, maybe you should have just left me lying there. Maybe I should I have died that night, then you could have gone on living your life as a heartless bastard."

"Don't say that, don't you ever say that Justin. I could never have just let you die. I loved you even then."

"No you didn't. You never loved me Brian. Hell, you never even bothered to visit me in the hospital, you just let me lie there day after day wishing you would come see me. You've let me down for years, why should now be any different?"

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I could hear the tears he was holding back in his voice. My own tears were streaming down my cheeks as I listened to him and I knew he believed what he was saying. How did we get here? How did we get so far away from where we were at our wedding a few short months ago? Was I really that bad for him?  Did I really make him feel like he was never loved?

I tried to think of how I could fix this and there was no easy answer. It would take a lot of work if we ever wanted to make this relationship right. I watched him stand and walk away, leaving me sitting alone in that booth. He never looked back and knowing that I had lost him, I wasn't so sure I could ever get him back. I pulled a picture from the wedding out of my jacket and sat staring at it. He was standing close to me, gazing up at me with such love in his eyes and I was leaning into him, with the same look in mine. We were so happy then, I wanted that back. I wanted my lover back. I wanted the life we deserved, the happiness we once had, the love we used to share.

I stood and walked out of his life, an empty feeling overwhelming me as I walked in the cold rain that had begun to fall. Stopping outside of my old building, I stood staring up at the windows of my loft. This is where it all began and it was fitting it should be where it should all end. Standing there for another few minutes and the cold had seeped into me so I headed for the small coffee shop around the corner. Walking in to find Ethan and Joshua sharing a table, neither man saw me, as I took a seat with my back to them, close enough to hear what was being said.

"Leave them alone Josh. You'll never get him. He's too in love with Brian," Ethan was speaking softly to the other young man.

"But they aren't together anymore. I heard that Justin told him it was over for good."

"It is never going to be over between those two. They will always love one another and no one will ever take Brian's place in Justin's heart. No matter how hard he tries to get over him, he never will. Justin will always love Brian and eventually he'll go back. Love has a funny way of keeping people together."

"What do you know? You didn't try hard enough."

"You think that just because you fucked him means something? You're just deluding yourself, Josh. Better than you have tried to destroy them. Hell, even Brian couldn't destroy Justin's love for him. Mark my words; it will never be over for them. Now I'm warning you Josh, if I see you anywhere near him again, I will hurt you. Justin loves Brian, and I won't let you come between them."

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Justin stood under the steaming spray of the shower and thought about what Brian had said. Maybe he was right, maybe he just needed to get over the pain and let himself love Brian again. But that was so hard; he didn't want to open himself up to this kind of pain again. Brian was unstable and Justin didn't know if he could risk loving him again. He stood in the shower until there was no hot water left and finally went to dress for dinner at Debbie's. He hadn't wanted to go, not tonight but his mother had guilted him into it. He dressed casually in a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. Tying his Nikes, Justin wondered what Brian was doing at this moment, unaware that he would get his answer sooner than he thought.

Jennifer and Justin knocked on Debbie's door, holding a bottle of wine. When Deb opened the door she ushered them inside, they all sat in the living room on the couch munching on hors d'oeuvres. They were trying to carry on a light conversation when Debbie turned to Vic and asked him to take Justin upstairs to show him what they had done to Michael's old room.

Once they were out of the room the two women, sat close and talked about their plan for the night. Just as Justin and Vic were coming back down the stairs the doorbell rang.

"Sunshine, can you get that for me?" Deb called out.  Sighing deeply he and went to open the door, shocked to find Brian standing on the small porch with a large bouquet of flowers in his hand.

"What are you doing here?"

"Debbie invited me for dinner. She didn't tell me you'd be here. I'll just go."

"The fuck you will. Get that hot little ass in here," Debbie pulled him in the door shutting and locking it behind him. "You two are adults and you are both part of this family, so you're just going to have to get used to being at the same places," she looked toward Jennifer and smiled behind the boys' backs.

They all sat down to dinner as Deb and Jen made sure that Brian and Justin were seated next to one another. They both did their best to avoid looking at one another. Deb shook her head at the silence that hung between the two and Vic felt sorry for them both if they thought that this was going to be easy.

"Now listen up you two. I have had enough of this bullshit. You two are married, and that is some serious shit. So get over this, 'I'm hurt' attitude you both have and work it out."

Brian looked up at her and smiled a sad smile, "It wasn't legal, you know that Deb."

"Legal or not, you're still married and that counts for something." Debbie held the bottle of wine out to fill Brian's glass, he moved it away before she could pour.

"No, I don't drink anymore. I gave it up."

"You quit drinking? Why?" Justin looked up at his lover in surprise.

"Because I was only using it to hide my feelings. A lot has changed since we split."

"Not enough."

"Justin, shut the fuck up. I am so sick of you moping around the house and crying about how bad Brian has treated you when it was you who fucked it all up. Don't look at me like that, God damn it. I'm still your mother and I have a few things to say to you. Get your ass back home with your husband where you belong and make this marriage work. It's obvious that Brian loves you and I know damn well that you still love him. You have both hurt each other and you both have a lot of pain to work through, but damn it, the least you can do is work through it together."

"Mom," Justin tried to speak but Jennifer cut him off.

"I said shut up. Everyone can see how much Brian is trying and you aren't giving him an inch. Swallow your fucking pride and go home."

"Mom are you kicking me out?"

"If that's what it takes then yes I am."

Justin looked first at his mother then at Brian, who shrugged his shoulders and continued to eat his lasagna.


Here Today (song for john) by Paul McCartney--Blackbird Singing...........

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