I Want You to Know

Part 16

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My mind tried to absorb the fact that I was here with Ethan Gold. I pushed away from him, sick to my stomach at what I had been about to do. He looked up at me and laughed a taunting laugh that seared my soul. I stumbled back to the bar and took another swig of tequila before speaking to him.

"Go away Ethan."

He laughed again as he sat on the barstool next to me. "So what happened? Where's Justin?" he looked at me with interest, wanting to question me ever since he walked in and saw me sitting here all alone.

"Not here, in case you haven't noticed. He's all yours, you can have him, I'm done with him." I couldn't look at him for fear he would see the pain in my eyes. Even as the words left my mouth I knew they weren't true.

Ethan shook his head and stared at me for a bit before finally speaking, "So what did you do this time?"

"I believed him when he said he loved me. Score one for the twink," I spit out sarcastically.

"Funny, but I believed him when he told me that he loved you as well. I may not have known Justin as long as you, but I know he wouldn't lie about loving you. You should've heard all that he said about loving you. Even when he tried to love me, you were always in the damn way. Don't doubt his love for you because it's the only real thing I know."

I looked at him, unable to control my laughter, "Yeah he loved me so much he fucked his therapist. That just screams of his love for me."

"So you think that just because he fucked some guy, he doesn't love you? He couldn't commit himself to a long-term relationship with me, and I gave him everything you never did, what makes you think that he would just throw you away for some cheap piece of ass?"

"Don't go getting all self-righteous on me. I don't want to hear it." I tried to walk away from him, but his hand on my arm stopped me.

"Brian, don't just let him go. I know how much you love him and as much as it kills me to say this, Justin loves you. He loves you so much that maybe you just can't see it. Something he said to me when he left may help you understand the depth of his love for you. He told me that no matter how hard I tried I couldn't replace you in his heart and no matter how hard he tried to love me, I wasn't you. You're a fool if you let him go now. Look at where you two are, Brian, you had a very public ceremony to show the world and each other how much your love means to each other. Don't just throw that away on some one night stand."

"Why are you telling me this Ethan? Why do you care what happens with us?"

"Because I'll always love him and I want him to be happy. You are the only one that makes him that way. Don't fuck this up Brian, because by the time you figure out that you need him, he may have finally gotten over you."

I watched my lover's old boyfriend walk away and thought about all he said and it made sense but I was still too hurt to let myself forgive him. I spent the rest of the evening sitting at the bar drowning my sorrows in alcohol and trying not to feel the pain that threatened to kill me.

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Brian walked into the diner to find Michael, Ben and Emmett sitting in their usual spots, he slid in next to Emmett. When he removed his sunglasses, Michael took note of his red rimmed bloodshot eyes and knew something was wrong.

"Brian, what happened?" Mikey asked concern evident in his voice.

"Too fucking much," Brian said as tried to avoid his best friend's eyes, yelling for a cup of coffee. Debbie was pouring him a cup when Justin walked in to start his morning shift. Everyone in the diner could feel the tension between the two men and all were surprised when they didn't even speak to one another.

Michael looked at his best friend and asked, "What the fuck happened?"

"We called it quits."

"What? Why?" all three men asked in unison. Brian tried to avoid answering but Debbie had overheard and dragged Justin over to the booth and forced him to sit down.

"Alright, enough of this bullshit you two. What the fuck is so bad that you can't work it out?"

Justin tried to stand to leave and Debbie pushed him back into the seat and turned to Brian, "What did you do now?"

"It isn't his fault Debbie," Justin answered her before Brian had a chance to speak. He pushed past Debbie and ran to the back of the diner trying to hide his tears from Brian and their friends.

Debbie turned to Brian, wanting to know  just what was going on, "What the fuck happened? All of your postcards from Thailand sounded like you two were getting along great, so what went wrong?"

"What do you mean our postcards?" Brian asked before he could stop himself. Once the words were out he knew that Justin must have tried to cover for him and sent postcards home making it sound like they were having a great time. He stood up and went to find Justin. He found him sitting on the bathroom floor his head in his hands, sobbing.

"Get up Justin."

"Fuck off Brian. Just go away and leave me alone. Didn't you say enough last night?"

"Justin," Brian tried to gather his thoughts but his mind just kept flashing to Justin and Joshua in their bed, in their home. Anger flashed through him again as Justin pushed past him and went back out front. Grabbing him by the arm he turned him to face him. "Don't you walk away from me."

"Why not, you do it all the time. Fuck off Brian, I have nothing left to say to you."

"Oh you better have a lot to say to me and you better figure out just what it is you plan to do about this."

"I've told you I'm sorry, I can't keep on saying it. You accept it or you don't, it's your choice. I won't beg you to forgive me, I'm better than that."

"You're better than that? You are nothing but a lying, cheating, selfish son of a bitch. You made me believe in love and you made me believe that you loved me enough to fucking marry you. I can't believe I ever let myself love you. And to think I fucked you raw that night. Then you turn around and stab me in the back the first time something goes wrong."

"FUCK YOU BRIAN. I tried to find you. I needed you and you weren't there. You never are. How I felt didn't matter to you when you left me alone in Thailand after just four days. How I felt didn't matter to you when I begged you to please stay with me. You walked away and left me. I was hurting; I needed something to dull the pain. I learned my pain management from the master."

Debbie and the boys sat in disbelief at what was happening in front of them. They could not have imagined that Brian would let something this private happen in public but they all sat there transfixed by what was happening.

Brian stood staring at Justin, shaking his head at his partner, "I told you why I had to leave, it was business. And don’t throw that pain management shit in my face."

"Why not? It's the truth. If Julie had called you first, you would have hopped a plane and came straight home to find me waiting for you. I'm always waiting for you. But that didn't happen and when I needed you, you weren't there. YOU WEREN'T THERE FOR ME. I was hurting, I was desperate, so I found the first warm body who could make me feel loved. You said it yourself in your vows, you knew that we would fuck up. You just never thought it would be me who fucked up, did you? Did you mean what you said to me or was it just some big lie to get me to leave you alone? Did you marry me thinking then I would just fade into the background? Did you ever love me?"

"Of course I love you. I wouldn't have married you if I didn't. But love isn't going to fix this Justin. You betrayed me, in my own home, and my own bed. How am I supposed to forget that? I can't. Not now, maybe not ever." Brian stormed from the diner and Michael followed, running to catch up to his best friend.

"Are you just going to leave him Brian?"

"Let me guess, you're on his side too." It was more of a statement of fact than a question and Michael looked at his friend shaking his head.

"Don't make me choose sides Brian, because I don't think that what you're doing is right. That kid in there loves you. He's saved your ass more than once and the first time he fucks up you walk out on him. He almost gave his life for you Brian. How dare you just walk out on him. Grow up and realize what you have before it's too late."

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I couldn't believe my own friend had taken Justin's side. Standing just outside the loft, I didn't want to go in and face Justin not being there, any more than I wanted to go in and picture him making love to Joshua. I braced myself and went in long enough to pack a few of my things. After checking into a hotel I called a moving company and asked them to pack everything up and put it in storage. I knew that I could never live there again, not without Justin, and not knowing what had happened there.

On the verge of tears, I stood on the doorstep of the muncher's, hoping that seeing my son would help ease the pain I was feeling.  As Melanie opened the door, I could see Gus playing on the floor, asking her permission to see him she stood aside to allow me entrance, probably a little shocked that I had actually had the manners to ask first.  Playing with Gus for hours helped me put aside all the pain that had overwhelmed me the past few days.  I knew I had to get hold of myself before Thea's service

After leaving the muncher's, I decided to park and walk around town to clear my head. As I walked past a coffee shop, I spotted Justin sitting at a table with Joshua. I didn't think that my heart could break anymore but seeing the two of them, I knew what true heartache was. Walking away, I ducked into the first shop that was opened late. Coming face to face with Ethan once again a plan formed in my head. A plan I would later come to regret.

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Justin was sitting in the small cafe, absentmindedly sketching Brian's face when Joshua sat down across from him. Without even looking up Justin told him to get lost.

"Oh come on baby, I know you don't want me to go," Joshua replied taking Justin's hand in his. Pulling his hand away as if he was touched by something evil, Justin glared at him.

"Don't ever touch me again, or it will be the last thing you ever do," Justin stood and threw the remainder of his coffee in Joshua's face and left the cafe just in time to see Brian ducking into a little shop on the corner. He followed his lover wanting to just be close to him. As he stepped inside the shop he found Brian in a deep conversation with Ethan and turned to walk out when he heard what the conversation was about.

Two days later Justin was sitting in the small church where Thea would be laid to rest. He was trying to hold his tears back when he looked up to find Brian sitting in front of him, his arm resting around Ethan Gold. So strong was the hatred he felt for his partner Justin could taste it.  As he listened to the words the minister spoke about Thea and her love of life, he gave himself over to the grief he felt at losing her.

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I was sitting at the bar drinking myself into numbness when Justin walked in. He was as beautiful as ever.  I needed to feel him near me. I had to know that somewhere deep inside he still loved me as much as I loved him. Crossing the room to join him at his table, I placed the bottle down between us. Picking it up he took a long drink and I knew he was hurting as much as I was.

"She loved you, you know," Justin said through his tears. "And she always believed that we were meant to be."

"At least she went to her grave happy. At least we gave her that."

I stared at him as he cried and let my own tears fall unchecked as well. We sat in silence, sharing a drink and our misery at losing our sweet little friend. Desire burned within me, and I wanted to touch him so badly. Reaching across the table, caressing his face, as he leaned into my touch. I could see the desire in his eyes, and knew that he needed me as much as I needed him. Pulling him to his feet, we walked the short distance back to my hotel in silence, holding his hand as I led him to my room.  Quickly shutting the door I turned to take him in my arms, neither of us saying a word, both consumed with our own needs.

As we both moved towards the bed I lay down pulling Justin on top of me.  I needed him tonight, only his touch could make me feel alive.  We kissed with passion, leaving us breathless in a matter of minutes as we both fumbled trying to undress each other.  My hands burned with the feel of him beneath me as I caressed his flesh.  Looking into his piercing blue eyes, knowing I loved him more that I ever thought possible, we made love.

I kissed every inch of his flesh, lingering on his thighs before taking his throbbing cock into my mouth. I licked at the pre cum that had started to drip from the slit and took the entire length of him into my mouth. The head of his dick hit the back of my throat each time I sucked him back in. He was moaning my name over and over and I was consumed with thoughts of him. As he thrust into my mouth with his hips, I slowed him, pulling away. I slid him down on the bed until he was at the perfect angle for his legs to rest comfortably on my shoulders. I spit into my hand to lubricate my dick, pressing the head close to his hole, I hesitated before pushing in. Once completely inside of him, his hole quivering around my shaft, I felt like I was home. I slowly thrust into his tight ass, trying to make this feeling last forever. His eyes never left mine as we made love, as I told him I loved him over and over, begging him to stay with me. As we came together, I heard him whisper that he loved me. I fell asleep with him in my arms and slept soundly for the first time since I left Bangkok.

Waking up to find myself alone, the only evidence he had been there were the twisted sheets and his scent on the pillow. I felt empty without him by my side. I showered and dressed, determined to fix this before it got anymore out of hand. Knocking on his hotel room door, I didn't get an answer and went to the front desk to make sure I had the right room. I was informed that Justin had checked out early this morning and was gone. He had left without saying goodbye.

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Justin walked into the loft to find it completely empty, there was nothing left except the bed and the blue lights. Walking around in surprise, wondering what was going on, everything was gone, including Brian. He left the loft and went to Lindsay's to try to find out where Brian was staying. She didn't know and so Justin began to worry that maybe he wasn't coming home. Walking into his mom's house lost in his thoughts, he was surprised to find Ethan sitting there.

"What do you want Ethan? I'm really not in the mood."

"Sit down, Justin, we need to talk," Ethan nodded toward the couch and waited until Justin took a seat before continuing. " I want you to know that I only went to the funeral because Brian paid me to."

"Whatever. What you two do is none of my business," Justin tried to conceal his hurt with anger.

"Justin, don't do that please. Nothing happened and nothing ever will, he's still in love with you. I thought I could talk to him while we were there, maybe make him see that what he was doing was wrong."

Justin looked at Ethan strangely, "And just why do you give a fuck about what happens between Brian and I?"

"Because I remember what you told me when you left, how much he means to you. Just don't give up on him, he's hurting now, but that will pass. He loves you, maybe even more than you love him."

"Stop it Ethan. Get out, I don't want to hear this." Justin stood pulling his ex to his feet and pushing him towards the door.

"I know it hurts, but promise me you won't give him up without a fight. Please Justin."

Once he shut the door on Ethan, Justin went upstairs to try to sleep. He had left Brian as soon as heard the light snoring and caught an early plane back home. He had spent most of the day in the park just sitting on the bench watching people and sketching. As he sketched Brian for the hundredth time he decided to go to the loft to see if he was back. He had wanted to talk about what had happened only to find it empty. He lay on the bed and cried at what he had lost.

Exhausted he went back to his mom's and promptly fell asleep. An hour later he awoke to find Brian sleeping next to him. At first he thought he was dreaming, then after he touched his husband he knew it was real. Brian was lying next to him in his bed, he watched him sleep for another minute before waking him.

"Brian?"

"Hey Sunshine."

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I came home to the Pitts alone, Ethan having left the night before. I went straight to Jennifer's house to talk to Justin and found him sleeping. I lay down next to him, just wanting to be near him. He woke me and I smiled at him, forgetting for a moment that nothing was the same between us anymore. He looked at me and all I wanted to do was tell him much I loved him and that everything was ok. When he spoke I knew that it wasn't over for him.

"Why are you here, Brian?" he sounded lost.

Reaching out and taking his face in my hands I kissed his soft lips before answering, "I'm here because I love you. This has to stop now before it gets to the point where we can't fix it."

"It's already too late. It was too late back in Thailand when you were drunk the whole time, when you left me there, when you weren't around. Hell it was too late even before then.  You and I are finished Brian. FOREVER," he turned away from me and my heart seemed to stop, the pain too much for it to handle.

I stood and made my way to the door, my shoulders slumped, head down. With my hand on the knob, I turned to face him one last time, the tears flowing freely down my face, "We'll never be finished. You and I will always be a part of each other's soul." I cleared my throat and stepped back towards him, kneeling on the floor before him, I begged for the first time in my adult life. "Please baby, come back to Japan with me. Please don't give up on us this easily, I love you. I love you. Oh God, please don't do this Justin. Just take that step with me and we can work this out. Nothing is so bad that we can't work it out."

"Just go Brian. It's over, we're over."

I stepped out of the darkened room and into the hall, leaning against the door listening to his sobs as I cried silently, mourning our loss. I sank to the floor and let my sadness pour out of me before finally standing and leaving; never looking back.

A month and 367 unreturned phone calls to Justin later I knew that I had to do something. I opened my cell phone and hit the speed dial, calling the one person I knew would always help me. When she answered I poured my heart out to her and made arrangements to stay with her for the next few weeks.

I called Vanguard and advised them I was taking a leave of absence and was told if I did I wouldn't have a job to come back to. I told Gardner to shove the job up his proverbial ass and went straight to Sony. They were more understanding to my situation when I explained why I needed the leave and offered me a job as head of publicity with them when I was ready to come back. We sealed the deal that day and I stood to make considerably more money as well as getting to stay in Pittsburgh with Justin.

The next morning I arrived at the airport to find Cynthia waiting for me. We went back to her house,  I filled her in on everything that had happened, and asked for her help. We were sitting in her living room; staring at the drink in my hand it hit me that my drinking was out of control. Cynthia called me on it as well and I finally admitted to myself why I had started drinking like this in the first place.

"Brian, you have to stop this self destructive behavior. It's not helping you get him back. Why are you drinking so much?"

"I don't know," I looked at her sadly and she called me on my bullshit.

"Yes, you do. Why don't you face the truth, because if you don't you're never going to get him back. You HAVE to get sober Brian if you ever expect to have a chance with Justin. So tell me why are you drinking?"

"Cynthia, I don't know how to function anymore without the alcohol. I've been drinking since I was thirteen, it's a habit."

"It may be a habit but you have to decide what's more important, the drink or Justin. Why did you start drinking so heavily to start with?"

"Well I always drank to dull the pain but I guess it got worse after Joanie died and I had to move to Japan. I was all alone again. My mom wasn't there anymore and even though she royally sucked at being a mother she was still mine. As much as she hated me, I still desperately wanted her to love me, at least a little before she died. I never got that,  she never accepted me, or my life with Justin. She just kept telling me it was wrong for me to love him, and maybe I started to believe her just a little bit. Then I had to move and leave Justin here. I was completely alone and all I kept thinking was that maybe my mom was right, maybe I shouldn't love Justin, maybe I wasn't good enough for him, and he deserved better."

"But you know Justin didn't feel that way, so why do this to yourself? Why torture yourself."

"I started to have those nightmares again that I used to get when I was a kid, living in that house. I kept dreaming that I was all alone, that no one wanted me. This time in my dreams it was Justin who didn't love me. Even when I awoke and talked to him and he told me how much he loved me it just never felt the same. Every time I talked to him the dreams got worse, until I just couldn't stand closing my eyes anymore. So I started to use the old methods I knew would help. Since I'm not tricking anymore the next best thing was drinking, I couldn't fuck, so I drank."

I looked at her with tears in my eyes and knew she understood. Cynthia had known me long before Justin ever came into my life and she knew all about my mother, and the torture I endured as a kid. Cynthia had seen me at my worst and she still stuck around; I could open up to her and she didn't judge me.

"Brian, I'm so sorry about what happened to you as a kid, but you have to let it go. If you don't it's going to destroy the one good thing in your life. Don't let them win."

"How do I stop it now? Justin is convinced that we're finished. He doesn't want anything to do with me ever again. I've lost him for good."

"Stop talking like that and get off your ass and make him see how much you love him. He married you, he asked you, remember, Justin loves you, even now, he always will. You don't just forget a love like that, and you don't get over it so easily. He's hurting right now, but now is the time you need to be there in his face, showing him that you are not giving up and you aren't going to let him either. Make him see that you forgive him. Don't let others ruin your relationship. You need to go to him and tell him everyday that you love him. Give him what he needs, and make sure you don't ever let him go again."

I took her advice and went to my room to plan how I would get him back. No one was going to stand in my way this time, not even Justin.

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