I Want You to Know

Part 15

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Justin pressed play on the answering machine and listened to the thirty or so messages from Brian, when Julie's voice caught his attention. She sounded sad, like she had been crying and Justin called her back immediatly. She answered on the third ring and sounded even more sad if that was possible.

"Julie, it's Justin. What's wrong? Is it Thea?"

Julie took a deep breath before answering him. "Yes Justin it's Thea. I didn't want to bother you while you were still on your honeymoon. Justin, sit down ok."

Justin was getting scared and begged Julie to just tell him. "Julie please just tell me that she's ok. Please."

"I wish I could. Justin, Thea died this morning." Julie allowed the sobs to overwhelm her as Justin sat in shocked silence. After a few minutes of that silence, Julie spoke. "Justin? Justin are you ok?"

"Not really. Listen Julie, I have to call Brian. I'll have to call you back for the details on the service."

"I understand. Thanks Justin."

Justin hung up and dialed Brian's cellphone. When he couldn't reach him on that he tried the office, then the apartment. After three hours of trying unsuccessfully to reach his lover Justin finally left a message for him.

"Brian, I don't know where the fuck you are, and frankly at this point it doesn't matter. Brian, Thea died this morning. Please call me as soon as you get this, I really need you right now. I love you Brian."

Four hours later Justin still hadn't heard from Brian and needed to get out of the loft. He drove to Woody's and sat at the bar, ordering a double Beam, downing it and ordering another right away. He was already half drunk when Joshua sat down next to him. Joshua ordered him another drink and asked Justin what was wrong.

"Hey Justin, what's wrong? You look like you just lost your best friend, you and Brian have a fight or something?"

Justin looked up at Joshua with tears in his eyes, explaining, "No we didn't have a fight. My friend Thea died this morning."

"The little girl from the wedding? Oh Justin I'm so sorry. Is there anything I can do?"

Justin looked around to see if anyone else he knew was around the bar tonight, not seeing anyone he turned back to Joshua, "Yeah actually, you can make sure I make it home alive tonight."

Joshua smiled to himself and ordered the blonde another drink. Three hours later Joshua was carrying Justin into the loft. As he placed him on the bed Justin reached up and pulled him to him, kissing him. As the kiss deepened, Joshua smiled knowing that he was finally getting what he had wanted from the day he met Justin.

Justin moaned Brian's name over and over as he felt the other man thrusting into him. As he came he looked up into Brian's face and something seemed slightly off. Murmuring to him, Justin fell asleep in a drunken stupor. "I love you Brian."

Justin woke the next morning and rolled over to kiss Brian, and was shocked to find Joshua in his bed instead of Brian. Joshua smiled at him sleepily, "Good morning."

"What the FUCK are you doing here?" Justin asked in disgust.

"You asked me to stay. Don't you remember last night?" Joshua filled Justin in on exactly what had happened between them, conveniently leaving out the parts where Justin thought he was Brian. Justin shook his head in disbelief. Looking towards the trash he breathed a sigh of relief to see the used condom there.

"Get out Joshua, and I don't ever want to see you again. Stay the fuck away from me."

"That's not what you were saying last night. And be careful Justin, it would be real easy for me to tell your husband all about how you let me fuck that tight little ass of yours last night. And you loved every second of it."

"You little conniving bastard, you've been after me since day one and you took advantage of a situation that was hard for me. You knew I was all alone and you knew that I needed Brian more than I needed anything at that moment. You are a sick and twisted young man and I promise you this, I will not rest until you get exactly what you deserve. And as for what happened last night, the only way I could get it up was to think of Brian. It wasn't you I fucked last night Joshua, it was Brian. Everytime you heard me cry out, it was because I thought you were Brian, and every time you touched me it was Brian who touched me, not you. The thought of you kissing me, touching me, inside me makes me sick. GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE JOSHUA AND WATCH YOUR BACK BECAUSE SOMEDAY WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT IT I'LL BE THERE TO REMIND YOU THAT YOU ARE NOTHING."

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I stumbled into the apartment, drunk again like I had been every night since I left Justin alone in Thailand and saw the message light flashing on the machine. Hoping against hope it was Justin returning my calls I hit the play button, listening to his voice and not paying any attention to what he said until the last message when I could hear the pain and his sobs. It hit me like a ton of bricks when he said that Thea was dead.

I rewound the tape and listened again to make sure my mind hadn't played tricks on me. I fell to my knees and cried for my little friend, for the life she would never have, the love she would never experience, the children she would never enjoy. It dawned on me an hour later that I hadn't called him back. He must be in so much pain and to have to face it alone must be torture for him. I dialed his number at the loft and didn't get an answer, leaving a message, I immediatly called his cell, and got his voicemail there as well. Where could he be at this hour?

I tried to clear my head and waited an hour and called back. I must have left 45 messages that night and I was beginning to get worried. I arranged for a flight home the next morning and when I still hadn't heard from him by the time I had to leave for my plane, I called and left one more message.

"Justin, I don't know where you are, or if you're even home, but I'm on a flight that leaves in two hours. I will catch a cab from the airport. I should be home sometime this afternoon. I can't wait to see you. I love you. I mean that baby, I love you."

I walked into the loft expecting to find Justin, what I found instead was a disaster area. The kitchen counter was filled with pots and pans and the bedroom was in disarray. The bed had been stripped and the bathroom was in dire need of a good cleaning. Justin had clothes strewn everywhere and I thought I would throw up just looking at the empty take out containers on the coffee table. I was standing at the closet trying to decide if I even wanted to unpack when I spotted it.

Justin came in then carrying a laundry basket. He dropped it when he saw me and ran into my arms. I allowed myself to hold him close for a few minutes, stroking his hair, kissing him. I had missed him more than even I had realized. Then my mind flashed back to what I had just seen lying there openly in the trash and I pushed him away from me, anger building inside of me. I walked to the kitchen and grabbed the bottle of Beam I always kept hidden under the sink. Taking a long drink, I told him I needed a shower and without waiting for his answer I stripped as I walked upstairs.

I was standing under the hot water, letting my tears mingle with the spray when I felt his arms around me. I couldn't do this, not now, not so soon after Thea's death, and now I had no choice. I had to get away from him. I pushed him away from me and he looked sad and lost; I had to will myself to do this.

"What's going on Brian?" he asked me as if he didn't already know.

"Why don't you tell me. Tell me about the condom in the trash, Sunshine," the name dripping from my tongue like a sour fruit.

"Brian, I can explain."

"I don't fucking want to hear it. Who? Wait let me guess, Joshua."

He looked at me with such sorrow that I almost considered forgiving him right then and there. "It's not what you think, Brian. I didn't mean for it to happen, I swear. I thought he was you."

"Because we look soooo much alike, right? Fuck you Justin. Is this your way of getting back at me for cutting the honeymoon short?"

"Brian, I was drunk, I thought he was you, and I needed you so bad. I had just found out that Thea had died and you weren't anywhere around. I tried to call you, I wanted to talk to you."

"And since I wasn't available you found the first guy you could?"

"Brian stop this, you know that isn't true, you know I love you, that you're the only one I want to be with."

"Shut up Justin. The only good thing about this is that at least you were smart enough to use a condom when you fucked him. Was his ass nice and tight? Did you tell him you loved him too?"

"It wasn't like that Brian. I thought he was you." I watched him wringing his hands, his head bowed, and I knew he wasn't telling me everything. I pushed past him, going for another drink. As I took another long drink I let my mind wrap around what I didn't want to face. His silence said so much, and my mind reeled at what I was thinking. When I looked around the loft I could feel that something was different here and then I knew. I stormed back up the stairs and turned him around to face me, my finger under his chin forcing him to look at me. The look in his eyes said it all and I let the anger consume me as I yelled at him. He backed away from me as if he was afraid I would hurt him. I looked at him in such disgust and my heart lay shattered, bleeding on the floor at what he had done.

"You let him fuck him you didn't you? TELL ME! Did you let him fuck you? I deserve the truth, you owe me that."

"Yes," he said almost in a whisper. I picked up the picture of us on the nightstand and threw it against the wall watching it shatter like my heart had. He bent to pick up the pieces and I stopped him, kicking the picture away from him.

"You let him fuck you in our bed. How could you do that to me? How could you destroy what we had that easily?" He didn't say anything to me and I was getting angrier with his silence. "Damn you Justin you just took everything we had and threw it away. How could you? Did I mean that little to you?"

"It wasn't like that Brian." he sounded scared and unsure of himself and I frankly didn't care. I pushed him away from me when he came near, and looked at him with such hate it scared even me.

"How was it then Justin? Did you just roll over and offer yourself to him or did he force you? Because it would be so much easier if he forced you. I could deal with that. But I can't deal with you letting him fuck you. I opened myself up to you, like I have never ever done for anyone in my life. I let you in to places that no one has ever been before. I let you into my heart and you just ripped it out and stomped on it for good measure. You make me sick. Get out of my sight."

"You can't just push me away Brian, it isn't going to change anything. I'm not just going to walk out on us."

"You did that the minute you let him in our bed. I don't want anything to do with you. You're nothing to me anymore. NOTHING!" I turned from him, not sure that I would be able to watch him leave anymore than I was sure I could stop loving him.

"How can you say that to me, Brian? After everything, how can you say that?" Justin sounded desperate and I knew I had to get away from him before I hurt him. I turned towards him and held my tears in check. I stood staring at him for what seemed like days, when in reality it was only a few seconds. I did my best to put the walls back up and left him standing there staring after me. I was at the door with my hand on the latch, when he rested his head on my back and I almost let myself feel the love again. I steeled myself to the emotion and turned to face him, all the walls back in place and my eyes empty of emotion. "I can't do this anymore, Justin." I pulled open the door and slammed it shut. Closing the door on my pain and on us.

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Justin stood in silence watching him leave, and his heart felt as if it was going to explode from the pain. He looked around the loft and knew he couldn't stay there anymore. Gathering his things he ran to his mom's house and let the tears that had threatened to fall all day flow. He was still sitting on the couch crying when his mother came home. She rushed to him, wrapping him in her arms and holding him close. "Justin, what's wrong?"

"Do you want the long version or the short version?"

"How about you just tell me from the beginning."

"Well Thea died this morning, then Brian came home and we split up and now it's all falling apart."

"Back up there kiddo, what do you mean you split up?" Jennifer looked at her son like he was losing his mind. Justin looked up at her and let the sobs wrack his body and he fell back into her arms allowing himself that little bit of comfort.

"I fucked up mom. It's all my fault. I did something stupid, really stupid and he found out. He hates me now. How I am supposed to live without him mom? How am I supposed to face the rest of my life without Brian?"

Jennifer watched her son and tried her best to comfort him with words as well as her touch, "Honey, it can't be that bad. You guys love one another and it will all work out in the end. "

"No mom it won't I fucked Joshua. Brian will never forgive that. I've lost him for good this time." Justin just sat there crying hard and eventually fell into an exhausted sleep.

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I sat at the bar in Babylon with a bottle of tequila, drinking straight from the bottle when he sat down beside me. I turned to stare into his dark eyes and it took me a minute to realize just who he was. After recognizing him, I grabbed him by the beltloop and pulled him to the backroom. I whispered in his ear as I unzipped my pants, "I think you owe me this, since you already fucked me once."

I watched as Ethan took my cock into his mouth and closed my eyes picturing Justin instead.

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