Into The LighT
Chapter 3
Standing Still
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Oh my god did he just say that Brian is positive? That can't be right. He is so careful and always makes sure I am too. No I didn't hear right but the look on Brian's face. He believes it. Oh god it must be true. I can't let him see how upset I am. He needs me now and maybe he finally realize that he needs me to be there. I can't let him know how scared I am. I know that it doesn't mean he is going to die, after all, I lived with Vic for so long that I know what he needs to do to be ok and I know how to take care of him. Now if I can keep him from pushing me away again.
Shit how am I going to tell my mom about this. She is going to want to know and I know there is no way I can keep this from her. She is going to flip out. Oh god! I have to get tested! What if I am sick too? We were always careful. After all I went through and now this. Oh no! The blood, the fall, what if I had a cut or something and he made me sick? OK, get a hold of yourself. He would never hurt me intentionaly. He loves me. Even if he doesn't know it yet. I know he does and he would rather die than hurt me. Ok Justin, calm down, don't freak out yet. Make sure Brian sees you confident. You have to be strong for him, he needs you now, even if he never admits it he needs me.
"Brian, Brian are you ok?" He waited for an answer not knowing if he would like what he heard.
Brian turned to him like he had not heard a word that had been said. "I'm fine, why? Don't I look fine? Now get the fuck out of here and go to work. I need my rest."
I can't believe he sent me away like a child. Who the fuck does he think he is? He is Brian Kinney thats who he thinks he is. Well he can't get rid of me that easily and I'm not some child he can send away. I am not letting him push me away this time. He needs me and he is just going to have to deal with it.
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After Brian was out of the hospital and bac at the loft, everything seemed okay until one day I came home to find my stuff packed. He had the nerve to tell me to get the fuck out. I know he is having a hard time dealing with this but for Christ's sake, I love him and I will not let him push me away. For now however, I will give him what he wants, but he can't avoid me forever. He has to see Gus sometime.
I moved back into Debbie's and she went with me to have my test. I should get the results today and then I have to go back again in 6 months. I am pacing around her kitchen and Vic is getting annoyed with me, I think. Doesn't he know how I feel? Of course he does and he has been here in my shoes before. I haven't told my mom yet as I'm waiting for the results before I scare her. I just told her a lie that Brian needed his space so I moved back in with Deb. I just didn't want to scare her yet. I also didn't want to give her another reason to hate Brian since they were just starting to be civil to each other. Hell he was even going to dinner at her apartment.
The phone is ringing and I run to get it. "Yes this is Justin Taylor. Yes I understand. Thank you." Debbie is looking at me like she is expecting the world to end. I let out the breath I didn't realize I was holding. "It was negative."
She pulls me into her arms and holds me so tight I can't breathe. "OH Sunshine, that is great. Oh I am so glad. Now make sure you go back in 6 months. This isn't a joking matter Sunshine. You have to be careful." I look at her and smile. I know what I have to do now and I know how to get him back. I was just waiting to know before I went to him.
He stopped by the diner today. He didn't know I was there and he looked so good. He still makes my heart skip a beat. How can he not love me anymore? Debbie quizzed him about his meds and invited him to dinner. He told her no of course. He is shutting everyone out and I can't let him do that. I can't let him go back to how he was. I love him and he loves me, I know it. I saw how he looked around the diner, like he was searching for something or someone. ME??? I can only hope. I have to see him. Somehow there has to be a way to make him know I love him no matter what and that he can't push me out of his life. I won't let him.
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Well here I go. Time to tell mom. "Hi Mom" I kissed her on the cheek and sit down. I chose this restaurant hoping she will take it well and not cause a scene. Holding my breath, I begin. "Mom I need to talk to you about something and please let me finish before you say anything. When Brian was in the hospital we found out something that I kept from you. Mom, Brian is positive. Now don't worry I was tested and I'm negative." She is crying now. How have I gotten to the point where I make my mom cry?
"Justin, you have to get away from him! Don't you understand? Just because you're negative now doesn't mean that in six months you will be. Justin, please stay away from him. He is going to get you killed yet. I almost lost you once because of that selfish bastard and I won't let him do this to you. You are young and you have your whole life ahead of you. Just walk away from him now. While you can."
"Mom, I am not giving up on Brian. Not now. Not ever. He needs me now and I need him to need me. He is all I want. I love him and will do whatever it takes to make him love me and let me help him. If you can't handle that then I'm sorry but I will not just walk away. Don't you see that I can't. You can support me in this or you can walk away but I will not let Brian go through this alone. You know that Brian would never do anything to hurt me intentionally. In fact he kicked me out which is why I'm living with Deb, but I am going to get him back. This is not about Brian and his illness. This is about our life together. I know he loves me and now I just have to make him know it too." I got up and left her without looking back. I had to get out of there while I still could.
I can't believe that I got Lindsay and Melanie to do this. They lied to him. He is going to be furious. He thinks he is coming here to have dinner with Gus. God! What if he leaves? What if he hates me and won't talk to me? I don't care, I have to make him see that I love him. Doesn't he realize I'm not going anywhere? Hasn't he figured it out that I love him and he can't push me away. Shit! he's here. I have to sit down. What if he leaves? Ok calm down he's coming in now.
"Justin" Is that all hes going to say to me. Nothing more.
I have to say something. "Brian what are you doing here?" I ask, like I don't know. No sense in letting him think I set this up.
"Picking up my son what the fuck does it look like? What are you doing here?"
"Lindz asked me to babysit tonight. She said her and Mel had a function at the GLC. She didn't mention you would be stopping by." He looks so good. But sad. What is he thinking? Does he want me as much as I want him? I have to be alone with him. I just want to touch him, kiss him, love him. Why can't he let me do that? I'm good for him.
Reaching out, I put my hand on his back, waiting for him to run. He is so close now that I can feel the heat coming off of him. God I'm getting hard just by touching him. I reach over and take Gus from him before moving to the stairs and on to his room. I'm praying that he will still be there when I get back downstairs. I hold my breath the whole way down and find him right where I left him. Oh god I want him so badly. Walking over I take his hand and kiss it. His eyes are so dark. Just like everytime we make love. I wait for him to pull away from me but instead he crushes me to him and pulls me into a kiss that doesn't end. I can't help myself, I moan into the kiss. I'm still waiting for him to pull away. I'm so hard now that I don't know how I can keep from cuming if he touches me. Now he pulls away and my mind screams NO only this time he's not running from me. Instead he's kneeling down and Oh god he's taking my cock into his mouth. I can feel his wet warmth as I'm pushing down his throat. He is sucking hard and slow now, keeping his lips tight around me. I reach out for him but he won't let me. Why won't he let me touch him? I need to touch him. I can feel myself start to tremble and then I'm cuming. He's taking every drop and I don't even realize that I'm crying until he gets up and pulls me to him. Then he said IT! Did he really say it? Yes he did! He told me what I've always longed to hear. He pulled me to him and whispered "I LOVE YOU JUSTIN" My heart is pounding as I whisper back "I LOVE YOU TOO BRIAN and I'm not going anywhere."