A Beautiful Oblivion
"Justin?" Brian stared at the blond next to the counter and felt that familiar jolt that he'd always gotten when Justin was around.
The young man turned around and looked up into the most beautiful hazel eyes he'd ever seen. There was no recognition at all in the blue eyes staring back at him and Brian's heart sank.
"I'm sorry do I know you?"
Brian's smile faded as he answered, "You used to, a long time ago."
"I'm really sorry, um, I don't really remember things that happened more than a year ago."
"Brian," he said, extending his hand, longing just to feel the other man's hand in his. "Brian Kinney. We met on Liberty Avenue in Pittsburgh four years ago. Before..."
"The accident," Justin finished for him. "My mom's tried to tell me things about then, but nothing seems real. It' s like I woke up empty."
Brian nodded sympathetically and asked, "So, how have you been, Justin?" He tried to keep his voice steady as he watched for any sign that the man remembered him.
"Good, thanks. You said we met in Pittsburgh, right?"
"Yes, a lifetime ago."
"I guess it does seem like that to you. How did we meet?"
Brian wasn't sure that he should go into details about that night with Justin right then and quickly changed the subject. "How's your mom?"
"She's good. She remarried last year." Justin glanced down at his watch and smiled apologetically. "I have to run. I have a class in ten minutes but I'd love to talk to you again. Are you free this evening? Maybe we could get a cup of coffee, go to the park?"
"That sounds great," Brian took out a business card and jotted his hotel's number on it before handing it to Justin. "Just call me when you're ready and I'll come pick you up."
"Great, see you then Mr. Kinney."
Brian was startled for a moement by the way that Justin had said his name, as if he were one of his teachers, but quickly pushed aside the feelings that it dredged up as he stepped up to the counter and ordered a Triple Non-Fat Latte. Sipping the hot liquid he walked the few blocks to his meeting, his mind on Justin the whole way.
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Justin sat down on the stool in front of his canvas and tried his best to concentrate on Professor Johns's lecture about the use of oils. He found himself thinking about the tall man he had met that morning. He had this feeling that they had once been more than friends.
Nadia looked over at her best friend and knew immediatly that something was troubling him. She managed to make it through class before cornering him to find out exactly what it was.
"Hey, Justy," she said, wrapping an arm around his shoulders.
"God, I hate when you call me that," he said and instantly his mind flashed to a vision of him on stage in a cowboy hat, dancing. A puzzled look crossed his face and Nadia pulled him closer.
"Justin, honey are you okay?"
"Yeah," he said shaking the memory from his head.
"Did you remember something?"
"I don't know, Nadia. When you called me Justy I saw myself dancing."
"Well, honey, we go dancing all the time."
"Yeah, but this was different."
"Different how?"
"I don't remember the club and you weren't there, but that guy I met today was."
"GUY? You met a guy and didn't tell me?"
"Sorry, we had class." Justin loved to sit and talk to Nadia about men almost as much as he loved to paint. Even with all he had forgotten he did remember that he was gay.
"Well come on," she said as she pulled him along to the cafeteria and pushed him into a seat.
"Hey, can't we eat and talk?"
"Always food with you," she said fishing in her purse for a candy bar. Pushing it across the table at him she tapped her foot waiting for the tale to begin.
"Nadia, as much as I love chocolate, I need food. Real food, like fries and a burger. Do you want anything?" Justin asked as he stood to go order.
"A salad is fine."
Ten minutes later Justin sat back down sliding a double cheeseburger and fries over to her. He loved how she always asked for a salad but really wanted the burger. She smiled appreciatively at him and took a big bite, talking as she chewed.
"You know I'm gonna have to work out for two hours today because of you."
"You know you like this better than some damn rabbit food."
"What I'd like right now is for you to tell me all about this man you met that made your eyes light up. Spill it."
Justin took a deep breath and began by describing Brian. "Oh, Nadia, he was beautiful. I've never seen anyone that glamorus before. Tall, thin and impeccably dressed. And his eyes...fuck, his eyes were so, well, gorgeous. My heart was pounding so loudly that I could barely hear what he was saying."
"Well what the fuck was he saying?"
"That he knew me. He looked at me like maybe he knew me real well and when I told him that I couldn't remember anything before a year ago, I swear, Nad, I saw tears in his eyes."
"Maybe he's the guy who saved your life. You should ask your mom about him."
"I'm doing better than that. I'm meeting him for coffee later today."
"Are you sure that you should do that Justin? I mean you don't know him, what if he's not a nice person. What if he tries to hurt you?"
"Quit acting like my mother. I'm an adult, Nadia. Now keep your mouth shut about this, I don't want to worry my mom."
"I think you should at least tell her about him."
"No, I have to do this on my own."
Nadia just shook her head but she couldn't shake the worry that filled her over Justin's meeting with this stranger.
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Brian's meeting ended early and he went back to his hotel to catch a nap before meeting up with Justin later that night. Picking up the phone he dialed Lindsay's number from memory, waiting impatiently for her to pick up.
"Guess who I ran into here in Hicktown, USA."
"Um, an old love."
"Damn you're good. I was getting coffee this morning and when I looked up I found none other than Justin Taylor standing two feet away from me."
"Oh My God, Brian. Is he okay? How does he look? Did he remember you?"
"He looked at me like he'd never seen me before. I introduced myself and he just stared blankly at me. He apologized for not remembering. Shit, He apologized to me. How fucked up is that?"
"Don't be so hard on yourself, Bri. It's been four years. Did you at least get his phone number?"
"I'm meeting him for coffee later."
"Brian, don't do anything to upset him. You don't know what he remembers about any of it."
"Believe me, Lindz, hurting him is the last thing I want to do."
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Two hours later Brian pulled up in front of the school and waited for Justin to show up. He was anxious about this meeting, not sure what to expect. His heart pounded at the thought of being so close to Justin again and not being able to hold him or even touch him.
Justin shut the door quietly behind him and looked around to make sure that Nadia had not been spying. Brian noticed and his heart sank even lower.
"Jealous lover?"
"No, nosy best friend. It would be just like her to be hiding in the bushes, trying to get a glimpse of you."
"Ah, another Daphne."
"Sort of. Only she's not Daphne. Did you know that Daphne got accepted to NYU's med school? She's going to be a doctor."
"Yes, she told me. We even went out to celebrate."
"Oh, so you keep in touch? Did you know her before you knew me?"
"No, you kind of introduced us." He watched as Justin struggled to remember the time that he'd brought Daphne by to meet him. "Hey, Sunshine, it's ok that you don't remember."
"Sunshine?" Once again he got a flash of another time. He was sitting at a counter and there was another dark haired man next to him and this crazy lady with red hair who called him Sunshine.
"It was a pet name of sorts. It still fits."
"Did I know a waitress with red hair?"
"And a loud mouth? That's Debbie. Novotony, Michael's mom. Do you remember Michael?"
"Not really. Everything is really fuzzy. Every now and then I get flashes of people that I don't know and I wonder if they're really real life people or if I made them up."
Brian slid the car into a parking spot close to the small cafe and switched off the ignition. "Well, tell you what, you tell me all about them, and I'll tell you if they're real. Deal?"
"Deal."
They sat at a table outside after ordering , enjoying the warm late September breeze. Justin nibbled on a veggie wrap while Brian picked at his Turkey on Rye. He was too nervous to eat but didn't want Justin to know so he took a few bites while waiting for the other man to talk.
"So, ready to play?"
"Sure, Brian."
"Okay, tell me about someone you dreamt of."
"Well, there was this tall brunette, kinda lanky and very out. He smiled a lot and seemed to be proud of who he was. Oh and he wore very bright, tight clothes."
"That would be Emmett. He is a total queen, but you're right he is very proud of his life. And he is a flaming queer."
"He sounds like fun."
"Well I wouldn't describe him that way, but you go right ahead."
"Okay, now is there a short guy, kinda nerdy, and always so damn conservative?"
"That would be Theodore Schmidt, an A-list wannabe jerkoff king."
"Is he really that boring?"
"Yes he is, Sunshine."
"It's so cool to know that they're real people and not just things I imagined. My mom hasn't really told me much about before the accident."
"Justin, has she told exactly what happened?"
"She said that I was in an accident and had severe head trauma. She didn't really go into detail and I didn't ask. Why?"
Justin was studying the emotions that seemed to bubble to the surface before Brian was able to mask the fear that he felt. The brunet smiled brilliantly at Justin and replied calmly, "Just curious is all."
Justin was about to speak when Brian's cellphone rang. Checking the caller ID he excused himself and picked it up.
"Sonny boy." Justin could only hear Brian's side of the conversation but deduced that it must be Brian's son on the other end. Confusion set in as he began to think that he'd made a mistake in assuming that Brian was gay. His thoughts were interrupted when Brian sat back down.
"Sorry, had to take that."
"Was that your son?"
Brian nodded and smiled. "Gus, he's six."
"Oh."
"Justin, what's wrong?"
"Well it's kinda embarassing. I mean, I um, thought that you were, um."
"Gay?"
"Well, yeah."
"I am, have been all my life."
"But you have a son."
"The munchers wanted a baby and Lindsay caught me when I was high one night, so I jerked off into a cup and oops, next thing you know I'm a daddy."
"The munchers?"
"Yeah, Melanie and Lindsay."
"Are they?"
"Lesbians? Yes, they're dykes, but hey, you're far too young to be concerned with the munchers." Brian glanced down at his watch, "It's getting late, I should get you home."
Justin helped Brian clear the trash from the small table and took the hand he offered as they left the small cafe.
"Where to?" Brian asked.
"Well, I was sorta hoping that, um, maybe, um."
"We could fuck? Sorry kid, not gonna happen."
"Oh, so you're in a relationship?"
Brian's laughter caught him off guard. "No, thank God. It's just that, well, we just met and you should be more careful who you proposition."
"I'm a big boy, Brian, I can take care of myself."
"I remember, but the fact is, you don't. You just met me and frankly, Sunshine, I don't think that's a road we should travel. Let's just leave it at a nice dinner and good company."
"I want more."
"You always did," Brian smiled. "Now, where does your mom live?"
"How do you know that I live with my mom?"
"Knowing Jennifer Taylor, she wouldn't let you live anywhere else."
Justin gave him the directions and sat in silence on the short ride home. Brian pulled up in front and waited for the blond to get out. Justin surprised even himself when he leaned over and kissed Brian before slamming the door behind him.
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Jennifer was sitting on the window seat watching for her son when she thought she saw Brian Kinney drop him off. Fear enveloped her as she watched her son kiss the man before getting out of the car. She didn't get a good look at the man driving but the smile on Justin's face convinced her that she was right in suspecting Brian.
Justin came in the door humming and didn't notice his mother watching his every move. He went to the kitchen, grabbed a bottle of water and was about to head upstairs when Jennifer stopped him.
"Were you studying with Nadia?"
"No, Mom, I had a date."
"A date?"
"Yeah, with a man. You know, a little dinner, a little conversation."
"A little sex?"
"Excuse me? That is none of your business, Mom."
"Justin, please tell me you didn't sleep with him."
"Mom, I'm 22 years old, what I do in my private life is none of my mother's business."
"It is when you're sleeping with Brian Kinney."
"How the fuck did you know his name?"
"Because the only time you've ever smiled like that is when you've been with him. Stay away from him Justin, he's trouble."
"Well he seemed very nice to me."
"What did he tell you?"
"Nothing. We talked about some people I sort of remembered. He helped me fill in the blanks a little. What the hell is wrong with you?"
"What did he say to you about the accident?"
"Nothing. I tried to ask him about it but he changed the subject. What's the big secret? I know that I was hurt and in a coma for three years. I know that I don't remember anything before the accident so what's so scary about me remembering it?"
"I don't want you seeing him again."
"You can't stop me and if you try I'll leave. You can't keep me locked away forever, Mom. I'm going to have to grow up and move on. I'm going to remember things that happened to me and I just wish that you could be happy for me. I need to remember, Mom."
"He's going to hurt you again. Brian Kinney is not the right man for you, honey. Please trust me."
"My God, Mom, how do you know that? Dad broke your heart, but you survived. I'll survive too if that happens. I just want the chance to find out."
"I forbid you to see him, he's the reason you're like this. It's all his fault."
"What's his fault? I just met him today. You can't stop me from living my life, Mom and if you can't accept the man in my life then I guess it's time I leave."
Justin ran up the stairs without looking back. Throwing some things into a duffel bag he dialed Nadia and left a message that she was having a house guest that night.
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The next morning Brian woke early and called Lindsay.
"Hey, Lindz."
"Well?"
"He doesn't remember very much. At least about us anyway."
"Does he remember anything at all about the bashing?"
"Apparently not. He remembers Ted and Emmett and even Debbie, but he didn't even react when I mentioned Gus. It's like he's completely blocked me out."
"Hey, at least you found him, thats a start, Bri."
"Yeah, I found him here in fucking Fredericksburg, Virginia. I mean how the fuck are you supposed to get laid here?"
"This isn't about getting laid, Brian. It's about bringing Justin back."
"I'm not sure I can put him through all of it. And I'm pretty fucking sure that if Jennifer gets one whiff that I'm in town, she's going to chain him up in his room to keep him away from me."
"You have to find a way."
"Then what? Am I supposed to drop to one knee like some fucking breeder and beg him to marry me? What if he doesn't want anything to do with me? Why the fuck am I even here doing this?"
"Because you love him and he needs to know it, even if he never remembers one second of your life together." She paused to give him a moment to let her words sink in. "And you need to say it, even if it's only one time."
"Fuck, I'm stuck in breeder hell. Do you know that they don't even have a goddamned decent place to get fucked around here? I had to drive all the fucking way to DC last night just to get a blow job."
"Really?"
"Yeah. Two fucking hours for ten minutes of pleasure. I should've just taken Justin up on his offer."
"What offer?"
"Oh, did I forget to mention that the kid wanted me to fuck him last night?"
"You didn't?"
"Were you not listening two fucking seconds ago. Jesus, no I didn't fuck him. My dick was so fucking hard at the sight of him that I'm sure I'll walk funny for a fucking year."
"Gross."
"You asked." Brian looked over at the clock for the first time that day and jumped out of the bed. "FUCK. Listen, I gotta go. I'll call you later tonight."
"Yeah. Bye, Bri."
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Brian watched from the bench outside of the school as Justin crossed the campus. The blond still hadn't spotted him and that gave him time to study him. Something was different. Justin looked up at that moment and caught sight of him. Smiling, he increased his speed and in a flash was standing before Brian.
"Hi."
"Hey, Sunshine."
"What are you donig here?"
"I missed you and I wanted to see if you would like to have dinner with me tonight."
"Sure, I know the perfect spot. Are you free for lunch today as well? I wanted to talk to you about something but I have a class in five minutes."
"Sure, I'll meet you here at say two?"
"Can you make it one?"
"Anything for you, Sunshine."
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Brian had just stepped out of the shower when he heard the pounding on the door to his suite. Cursing, he wrapped a towel around his waist and opened the door. He was shocked to find Jennifer Taylor on the other side.
"Mrs. Taylor, how nice to see you again."
"Cut the bullshit, Brian," she said pushing past him. "Stay away from him."
"You can't be serious? There is no fucking way in hell I'm going to let you keep me away from him."
"He's doing just fine without you back in his life. Don't make this harder on him than it is already."
"Fuck you, Jennifer. I'm not going away. It took me this long to find him after you disappeared. I've searched for him nonstop and now I've found him."
"Leave him alone. It's your fault he lost so much time. If you'd just left him alone in the first place, he would be okay today."
"He looks pretty okay to me, Jen. I do have one question for you though. Why is it that you haven't told him the truth about what happened to him? Why is it just some mysterious accident?"
"The truth would be too difficult for him. I prayed that he'd never remember it."
"Did you also hope he'd wake up straight? I've got a news flash for you, Jen, he's still gay and he's still Justin."
"And he still doesn't need you."
"It seems to me that he does, because I'm the only person who will be honest with him and not treat him like some fucking brain damaged kid. He's not brain damaged, he's just lost. Sooner or later those memories are going to come back and when they do how are you going to explain all your lies to him?"
"I don't have to explain myself to you. Stay away from my son."
"I'm only going to say this once, so listen closely, I am NOT going to stay away from Justin. I love him."
"Isn't that sweet. But the thing is, he doesn't remember you or anything about your 'love'."
"Even if he never remembers I'll still be his friend." Brian opened the door and stepped aside. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have a lunch date."
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Justin found Brian sitting on the same bench at exactly one. Smiling to himself he thought about how he'd love to draw the man. He suddenly remembered an art show where Brian was and there were several sketches of him. He made a note to ask Brian about it and hurried along.
"You made it."
"I said I'd be here, didn't I?" Brian stood and kissed the blond's cheek lightly before leading the way to his rental car. Once inside he shifted to face Justin. "So tell me, Sunshine, what the fuck is there to do around here?"
"It's not that bad really, kinda quiet and reserved. I'm used to it now, but it can be a tad..."
"Boring?"
"Yeah, boring," the younger man said with a smile.
"Where do you go to just hang out and be with friends?"
"Well, in the summer we all hang out at the river but when it starts to get cool, we go to meditation rock."
"You hang out at a fucking rock? Kid, you've been in breeder land for way too fucking long."
"It's really cool, Brian. It's secluded, it's like you're in a whole other world where you can just be yourself."
"Sounds like a little piece of Heaven," Brian said sarcastically.
"It's not as bad as you think. Maybe someday I can take you there."
"You, me, a secluded spot, are you trying to seduce me, Mr. Taylor?"
"Are you seducable?"
"Damn right I am."
Justin's laughter filled the car.
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