Silent Awakening

Part 1

Author’s notes: Thank you to my fabulous beta Lois, who takes my rambling and makes it readable…I love you sweetie. And to my very own Justin, I love you Russell. Thank you for helping me find my inspiration again.

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“What the fuck was he thinking? How the hell could he go see Hobbs? And why the fuck didn’t you stop him?”

“I’m not his fucking mother, Michael. He’s a big boy, he can take care of himself. Besides he needed some sort of closure.”

“Well then why didn’t you help him find it, Brian? Why’d you have to sit back and do nothing yet again?”

“I didn’t do nothing. I let him handle it his way, the only way he knew how.”

“And look what happened.”

“I didn’t say it was the right way, but it was his way.”

Brian sank back down in the hard plastic chair and waited once again for word on whether or not his partner would survive another meeting with Chris Hobbs. He thought back on the night before and how happy Justin seemed to finally be rid of the fear of that son of a bitch. He’d come running into the loft out of breath and looking to fuck. Yelling for Brian until he appeared at the top of the stairs rubbing the sleep from his eyes, Justin flew into his arms and captured his full lips in a soul shattering kiss.

Breathless Brian pushed him away and raised an eyebrow in that quizzical way that sometimes annoyed the hell out of the young blond.

“What the fuck has gotten into you, Sunshine?”

“It’s over, Brian. It’s finally over.”

“What’s over, my beauty rest?”

“You don’t need beauty rest Brian, you’ll always be beautiful.”

“So then what the fuck is so important that you wake my ass up at, shit what fucking time is it?”

“Eleven.”

“PM?”

“Yeah.”

“Fuck, what the fuck am I doing in bed at eleven pm alone?”

“I was just wondering that myself, now that you mention it.”

Justin ran a hand over his head and ran down the steps to grab a bottle of water before continuing.

“Like I said, it’s over.”

“And you never fucking said what is over. Care to elaborate, Sunshine?”

“Hobbs.”

“What the fuck did you do?”

“Not what you’re thinking. We just scared the shit out of the son of a bitch.”

“We? As in you and Colby?’

“Cody.”

“What the fuck ever. So what exactly is it that you and the Pink Ladies did to Hobbit?”

“We gave him a taste of what it’s like to be scared shitless.”

“And did this little lesson involve your newfound fondness of firearms?”

“I made him suck it.”

“Were you at least smart enough to wear gloves or did you leave your fucking prints all over the gun, Sunshine?”

“He won’t call the cops. Besides nothing happened.”

“You put a gun in a straight man’s mouth and made him suck it and you think that’s nothing? When did you start losing brain cells, Justin?”

“Fuck you, why can’t you just be happy for me?”

“Because what you did was childish and stupid. He almost killed you once, Justin, what makes you think he won’t try again? You’ve given him every reason to come after you again.”

“He won’t.”

“You don’t know that for sure. Fuck Sunshine, what if Colby decided to finish him off later. You’re prints are all over that gun and you have every reason to want him dead. Who do you think they will come looking for if Hobbs turns up dead in an alley somewhere?”

“Cody wouldn’t do that.”

“Are you positive about that? Would you bet your life on it?”

“God, why can’t you just be happy that I’m free of that asshole? Fuck, I took back my life tonight and all I get from you is fucking bullshit. Just once can’t you be the supportive boyfriend?”

“Yeah, let me cut off my balls and put them in my back pocket. What you did was make the situation worse and you don’t even know it. I’d watch my back if I were you.”

“I’m not afraid of him anymore.”

Justin pushed past his partner and slammed the bathroom door behind him. Turning on the shower to drown out the sounds of his tears he sank to the floor with his back pressed against the cold glass of the shower.

Brian stood just outside of the bathroom listening to Justin cry, unwilling to go in and embarrass his young lover. After several minutes he had to put a stop to it and let himself into the bathroom.

Gathering Justin in his arms, he carried him to the bed. Softly kissing his pouty lips, Brian wiped the tears from his eyes and gently lay him on the bed, covering his body with his own.

Their tongues met in a heated embrace, dancing and teasing the other until both men moaned with desire. Brian’s hands fumbled with the button of Justin’s cargos until he finally freed the hard, throbbing shaft from their confines. Justin moaned loudly at the feel of Brian’s hand encircling him softly but firmly.

Slowly caressing his lover, Brian listened for the sounds of Justin’s approaching orgasm. As soon as he heard the sharp intake of breath he knew that if he didn’t stop soon it would be too late.

Justin whimpered at the break in contact as Brian quickly finished undressing him and then removed his own. Straddling his lover Brian leaned in for a kiss and whispered so softly that Justin wasn’t sure he hadn’t imagined it.

“I love you.”

Thinking that there was no way that Brian would say that to him, Justin convinced himself it was just wishful thinking. Closing his eyes, he let himself be carried away by Brian.

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“Brian? Brian?”

“What?”

“I’m going to get some coffee, can I get you some?”

“Yeah, make mine black. And hey can try calling Daphne?”

“Sure. Are you going to be okay here by yourself?”

“Yeah, I survived this once before I know how to do it again.”

“I’ll be right back, Bri.”

“Just get the fuck out of here Mikey.”

Brian watched his best friend until he disappeared around a corner. All of a sudden he felt very alone, like there wasn’t anyone left in the world to help keep him from self destructing. Once again he stood and went to the door that would lead him back to Justin, knowing that if anything happened to his partner, he wouldn’t survive.

He thought about all the nights they’d spent lying in bed talking about nothing. He thought about all the breakfasts he’d spent looking at Justin across the table wondering why the boy was still with him. It still amazed him that Justin could love him. Not only love him, but love him in spite of all of his faults.

Brian knew better than anyone that he wasn’t easy to live with or love. He’d spent most of his life shunning love, avoiding it at all costs. Life hadn’t been easy for him as he grew up and he’d planned to spend his life getting his needs met since love was never a feeling he’d known.

Pacing back and forth in front of the door, he grew impatient waiting for the doctors to tell him anything about his partner. For the first time since the bashing, Brian Kinney sank to his knees and prayed.

“Please don’t take him. I know I don’t deserve his love, but I need it. I need him. Justin is all that is good about me. God, please, please don’t take him from me. If for no other reason than that he taught me to love. I love him. God, I love him so much. I’ll do whatever it takes to keep him alive. Just don’t take him.”

As he let the tears slip out from beneath his lashes, the door opened. Jumping to his feet, Brian hurried to the doctor, desperate for any information about Justin.

“Is he okay?”

“Let’s sit down,” the doctor motioned towards the chair he’d just left moments before. Brian let himself be led back and sat nervously on the edge of his seat.

“He’s in stable condition right now. The next 48 hours are critical for him, Mr. Kinney. There is trauma to the old injury site and I’m concerned about his recovery process. I’ve looked over his charts and understand that he was in a coma for two weeks with the previous injury. That alone worries me, but he is a strong young man and that should help out a lot here.”

“Can I see him?”

“Right now he needs to rest, but I don’t see where it would hurt.” The graying doctor turned back to the door he had just come through, stopping long enough to turn back to Brian once more. “I’ll send a nurse out once he’s moved to a private room. And Mr. Kinney, no more than fifteen minutes.”

“Thank you.”

Nodding the doctor once again disappeared to places only doctors were allowed. Brian was still pacing in front of the door when Michael pressed a steaming cup into his hand.

“Have you heard anything from the doctors?”

A small smile crossed Brian’s lips, almost reaching his eyes. “He’s stable and being moved to another room.”

“Well that is a start, Brian.” Michael put a protective arm around his best friend’s shoulders. “He’s going to be fine, you’ll see.”

Brian ran a hand through his dark hair and felt older than he had in many years.

His mind once again wandered while Michael rambled on about some nonsense about Hunter.

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The air was cold and sterile, but he was getting used to that. Putting a cigarette in his mouth, he was just about to light it when he remembered where the hell he was. Reluctantly putting it in his pocket he stood and crossed the hall to stare at the young boy lying in the bed just beyond the window.

He looked so small and frail, almost like a child. Laughing to himself, Brian thought of how Justin really was still a child in so many ways. He looked at the world and saw the good while Brian looked through jaded eyes seeing only the bad.

Earlier that night he’d let himself forget who he was and feel. He’d gone to that hotel looking for something and surprised even himself when he found it in the arms of a blond teenager.

As he glided across that dance floor with Justin, his heart soared. In that instant he knew what it felt like to be loved and to love someone in return. He gave himself completely to Justin. Standing there against the jeep with Justin pressed tightly against him Brian knew true happiness. With one last kiss and a promise to meet at the loft later that night, Brian slid behind the wheel of the jeep and took one last glance back at his lover.

Out of the corner of his eye he saw the movement and felt his heart explode in his chest as he screamed out for Justin. Hearing the bat connect with the side of Justin’s skull the breath left his body and he nearly collapsed from the pain that scorched him.

Adrenaline coursed through him as he grabbed the discarded bat and felt it make contact with the cowardly football hero. His cries echoed off the empty concrete unnoticed by the tall auburn haired ad exec.

Brian pulled Justin close, holding him softly, whispering words of love meant only for the two of them. It was the one and only time he felt completely free to confess his true feelings for the younger man.

As he sat outside of Justin’s room night after night, he contemplated making his presence known but knew that he could never let Justin know how deep his feelings were for him. Once the boy was well, Brian knew that he had to find a way to let him go, even if it meant sacrificing his own happiness in the process.

Brought back to the present, he looked up to find a pretty young nurse standing over him.

“Mr. Kinney, Dr. Johns said that you could have a few moments with Mr. Taylor. If you’ll follow me, I’ll show you to his room.”

Brian stood, glanced back at Michael and hurriedly followed the nurse. Hesitating slightly outside of Justin’s room, Brian took a deep breath and pushed past his fear, burying it deep inside.

Justin lay peacefully sleeping in the sterile room, or so it appeared to the outside world. Brian knew that somewhere in that lifeless body was a soul screaming for release and he planned to do what ever it took to help just let go of his demons.

Pulling up a chair Brian reluctantly reached out for Justin’s hand and held it, softly stroking the skin.

“Hey Sunshine, it’s time to wake up now. The doc says you’re going to be fine.” Brian choked back a sob, not wanting Justin to know the depths of his fear. He sat back in his seat and watched Justin breathe with helps of machines and fought back the tears. He had to be strong for his lover, he had to find a way to get through this without losing his mind or his heart.

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Two days later Brian sat in the diner pushing his fries around the plate. It was the first time in days he’d left Justin’s side. Jennifer and Debbie had convinced him that he needed to eat something other than cafeteria food. He was sitting there staring blankly at his food when Emmett breezed in the door.

“Bri,” Em said, sliding into the seat across from his friend. “How is Justin?”

Brian didn’t look up and Emmett had to snap his fingers in front of his face to get his attention.

“Brian, honey, you don’t look so hot,” Emmett placed a hand on Brian’s forehead and wooried at how warm he felt. “Honey, I think you need to go home and lie down for a bit.”

“I have to get back to the hospital.”

“You aren’t going to do Justin any good if you fall over sick. Go home and rest, I’ll go sit with him for a few hours.”

“No, I’m fine.” Brian argued unconvincingly, pushing his plate away untouched.

“No you aren’t. You haven’t even touched your food and you’re burning up. You don’t want to get Justin sick, do you? You need to go home and get some sleep, so that you’re strong enough to care for him when he comes home.”

“I can’t. I need to be there.”

“Is this the Brian Kinney that I know and loathe? Did you just admit that you might actually care for the kid? Oh don’t look so fucking shocked, we all know it. But seriously Bri, you need to go home and rest. I promise you that I will call you immediately if he wakes up. Besides you look horrible, you don’t want to frighten him do you?”

Brian gave in, threw a twenty on the table and headed home. Collapsing on the sofa, he was asleep before his head hit the pillow. Six hours later he awoke to the phone ringing. Grabbing it without thinking he held his breath as he listened for bad news.

“Justin?”

“Sorry baby, just Aunty Em.” Hearing the sharp intake of Brian’s breath Emmett quickly continued. “Calm down, he’s fine. No change. How are you?”

“What time is it?” He fumbled with his watch, squinting at the tiny numbers. Mentally he admitted to himself that he should have his eyes checked, but blew it off since he wasn’t old enough for glasses.

“Six p.m. Have you been asleep all this time?”

“I guess I was more tired than I thought. Who’s with Justin?”

“Jen stopped in early and is with him right now. But I think that you should get back as soon as possible. The doctor dropped in with some paperwork and I wasn’t sure what to do about them so I asked him if it could wait until you or Jennifer were there. He said he’d stop in on his evening rounds.”

“What was it about Emm?”

“I’m not sure, Brian, but it sounded serious.”

“Thanks, I’m on my way.”

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An hour later Brian sauntered into Justin’s room just as Dr. Johns arrived.

“Mr. Kinney, Ms. Taylor.” The doctor nodded at them both before listening to Justin’s heart and looking over his chart. Turning back to them he smiled slightly before beginning. “I have some papers that I need to go over with you about Justin’s condition. I’m not sure which one of you is considered his next of kin so I thought it was best to talk to you both. Justin’s condition hasn’t improved much over the last few days and I worry about the swelling in his brain. I’d like to take him back into the OR and try to reduce some of the swelling.”

”What would that involve?” Brian glanced over at Justin’s mother, glad that she asked the question that concerned him the most.

“It would involve draining the fluid from around the brain. We can do that one of two ways. First we can try to use medication, though the long term effects are still unknown at the moment.”

“And the other option?” Brian asked hesitantly.

“We would take Justin into the operating room and drill a hole into the skull to drain some of the fluid.”

“No.”

“Mr. Kinney, we have to weigh the pros and cons of both procedures before we make a decision. As I said the long term effects of the drugs are not known and lab testing doesn’t give us much hope that there aren’t side effects that could be very bothersome later down the road. My recommendation is the surgery, it is the fastest possible solution.”

“But what are the risks involved to Justin?” It was Jennifer who wanted to know, but the look she shot Brian said that she knew he was just as concerned. Unconsciously Brian slipped his hand around hers and held tightly as they listened to the doctor explain all of the risks involved in the procedure.

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Several hours later Brian once again sat in a hard plastic chair waiting to hear if his partner was going to make it through the night. Jennifer made several phone calls before joining him.

“It’s gonna be a long night, Brian.”

“I’m not going anywhere so don’t even bother, Mrs. Taylor.”

“I wasn’t suggesting anything.” Rubbing her temple she sighed deeply before continuing her thoughts. “Debbie is sending some food over by Michael and Hunter. I called Daphne again and left a message.” She knew that she was rambling but it was the only way she could think of to keep her sanity. “Craig didn’t answer again.”

“You called that son of a bitch?”

“He is his father, Brian.”

“No, he lost that right when he kicked his son out for being who he is. Justin wouldn’t want him here.”

“He still deserves to know about his son. He still loves him.”

“Bullshit, he doesn’t love Justin. He loves the ideal son he thought that Justin was.”

“Brian I know that you want to protect Justin, but you can’t. Sometimes you just have to let him live his life his way. He misses his father.”

“You think that I don’t know that, Mrs. Taylor. I’m the one there when he wakes up crying at night, I’m the one who comforts him. But just because he loves Craig, doesn’t mean that a reconciliation is ever going to happen. Justin knows how his father feels about his ‘disgusting lifestyle’. Justin is smart, Mrs. Taylor, he knows that Craig thinks of him as some little faggott.”

“Because you made him that way.” Jennifer regretted the words before she finished saying them and prepared herself for the infamous Kinney rage.

“I didn’t make him gay, Mrs. Taylor. He’s always been that way, I just helped him to not be ashamed to be himself.”

“I know that you love him, Brian. I see the way you look at him, but I can’t help but wonder what his life would’ve been like if you hadn’t come along.”

“I didn’t seek him out, Mrs. Taylor. Hell I tried to push him away many times. And I let him go when you asked me to. You were the one who came to me and asked me to take him.”

“It was either that or lose him forever.”

“So I’m the lesser of two evils?”

“That didn’t come out right, Brian. I’m grateful for all that you’ve done for my son. But you have to understand that even though he’s your lover, he will always be my son.”

“He’s very lucky to have you, Mrs. Taylor. But he’s not a little boy anymore, you have to let him go.”

“He’s my son, Brian, I can’t just stop worrying about him. You’ll learn as Gus grows up, you can’t turn your back on your child.”

“Not everyone feels like you. Some of us just aren’t cut out to be parents.”

Brian stood and paced the waiting area, desperate to escape the heart to heart with his partner’s mother. “I’m going to go get some coffee, would you like some?”

“Cream and sugar please. And thank you Brian.”

“It’s just coffee.”

“If you say so.”

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