It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. Ok sue me. I got 1500 on my SAT and I remembered something from my education at St. James. It's been a year since I tried to kill myself. My therapist wants me to write a review of the last year. It's more for me she said. She doesn't want to even see it. Just wants me to see how far I've come and what I've learned

The first thing I learned was how much Brian loves me. The things he took the time out to do for me made me realize that. I hear stories about the selfish Brian from the past. Hard to believe they're the same person. I'm just probably the first person who got through to him. He's even helping me with school because my father won't. That's the second thing I learned. How much my father hates me.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

"What do you mean he's not paying?" Brian's said, sounding shocked at what he's hearing

"You want the exact quote. "I'm not paying for that little faggot to become an artist." You say, trying to keep the anger under control. There has to be some decent fathers out there but it looks like you and Brian lost in life's lottery.

"Fucking prick. I know how much this means to you. I'll take care of it."

"No."

"What do mean no?"

"I can't ask you to do that. You've done so much already."

"I'm doing it for me. I've been thinking about what to do after baseball. I've got that marketing degree from Penn State. I want to open an advertising firm. I'll need an artist and someone to run the art division. That's you I hope. I've been meaning to talk to you about it."

"You mean it?"

"Would I say it if I didn't."

"Ok, but it's a loan. That's the only way I'll do it"

"If that's the way you want it I'll have Melanie draw up the papers tomorrow."

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

That summer, since I don't know much about sports, Brian got a bunch of baseball movies for me to watch so I could learn something about it when he went back to playing. He got everything from the Pride of the Yankees to Bull Durham. That last one was my favorite. Even if it did have way too much straight sex for a young impressionable gay boy like me. "I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last for three days." I'm a romantic. What can I say. And I told Brian I finally understood the ESPN commercial where they recreated the shower scene from the movie. Also told him I could have lived the rest of my life without seeing Peter Gammons without a shirt.

"Yeah Pete is a little old to do nude scenes." Brian said laughing. "I'll have to tell him you said so next time I see him."

"Brian, you wouldn't."

"C'mon on Sunshine, you're so gullible. Like I'm going to tell Pete "I never met a rumor I didn't report as fact" Gammons of ESPN that my gay boyfriend thinks he should keep his shirt on.

"Your gay boyfriend?" I ask teasing him a little.

Ok you caught me." Brian said laughing.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Luckily Brian was playing in Pittsburgh on our big day. I know he realized what day it was because Mel And Lindsay had Gus's 1st birthday party the weekend before. But he wouldn't let on. Brian Kinney doesn't do birthdays and anniversaries. It was a night game and he came in late. Before he could get his jacket off I dragged him back to the jeep and told him to drive to Babylon. He argued but he did it anyway. I walked him over to the streetlight I was under when he first saw me and I kissed him

"Happy anniversary."

"Same to you Sunshine." Brian said as he reached into his pocket and pulled out a small box and gave it to me. I opened it and it was a gold bracelet. "Look on the back." I turned it over and the words "Always and Forever" were engraved on the back. I just hugged him and cried. "Like I would forget the night I got my two babies." He whispered as he held me tight. Meeting under that street light on that day became a tradition for the rest of our lives.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Even after that, what really blew me away was Brian giving me his Jeep just before school started when he bought another one. He said he didn't want me riding buses to and from school and that it was for my safety and his sanity. I argued but he wouldn't take no for an answer. Ok so maybe I didn't argue that hard. It was nice having my own wheels. So that's how the little twink got custody of the Kinney "fuck mobile #1."

I did manage to start school on time. I had a chance to talk with every instructor before classes started. Brought my work in since "The Incident" and showed them how it had improved over time. But I also made them understand that for now in class I needed to pace myself and not over tire my hand. Thank God they were understanding and gave me a chance to work at my own pace. I vowed never to disappoint any one of them.

After St. James, PIFA was a different world. Looking back I can see how I just thrived. Guys my own age, the social life and learning what I wanted to learn. There was even a gay fraternity at PIFA, Alpha Lambda Tau. Brian laughed when I told him about it. He thought most frat guys were closet cases anyway so what was the point of having a gay frat. I ended up not joining because I knew I'd by spreading myself to thin but I sure thought it was a cool idea.

It was weird being with Brian after the season ended. I was leaving every morning to go to "work" and he was staying at home. I tried to give him all the time I could just like he did for me during the season. I made a point to include Brian with as much stuff on campus as possible. He was kind of reliving his youth. And I think he felt safe. Hardly anyone recognized him and we could just be a couple away from the crazy world of Liberty Ave. We went to art shows, lectures, and concerts. I had to laugh at this one concert. Some solo violinist, Ethan something, I don't remember his last name. He just kept staring at us through the concert. I think he had the hots for Brian.

One thing school really let me do was feed Brian's narcissism. He's always been my favorite nude model and he let me use him a lot. The only thing I wouldn't use is his face. Brian didn't give a damn but I didn't want the ball player recognized in shows and questions asked. But people who saw us out together and saw my work must have figured that the body and boyfriend went together. But I promised myself one day I was going to use Brian the ball player in my work.

The school year flew by and eventually spring came and all good things must come to an end. Brian left in mid February for spring training and I held down the fort (or loft). The quiet was driving me up the wall so bad that one weekend I called Lindsay and took Gus for the weekend. It was great. We did all kinds of kid stuff. He had a ball at the park. We took a strole up and down Liberty Ave. in his stroller. All the lesbians loved him. He just eats up the attention. What a Kinney. And Grandma Debbie went bonkers when I brought him to the diner for dinner. Grandma tried to spoil him rotten. He loved every minute of it, the little ham. That night he lasted about half way through Yellow Submarine before he crashed. Got him undressed and put him on Brian's side of the bed for the night. Got undressed myself, laid down and waited for Brian's nightly call.

"Hey"

"What are you doing home on a Saturday night?"

"Got a guy in bed with me right now."

"Oh you do?"

"Yeah, he's got brown hair, brown eyes, he's really cute and he's curled up and sucking his thumb while he sleeps.

Brian laughed, "So how is little Gus?"

"Couldn't fool you could I?"

"Nope."

"He's alright. I think we wore each other out today. Falling asleep myself."

"Well I'll leave my two babies to sleep. I'll talk to you tomorrow."

"Ok, love ya."

"I love you to."

The next morning we were going out for breakfast. Since we didn't have a tub I figured the quickest way was just throw Gus in the shower with me. Probably the first time two guys got in this shower and just took a shower. Couldn't help but laugh at the image.

We had fun together that weekend but I know he missed his mommies. I dropped him back home that afternoon for the big reunion. I was leaving and Gus came running up and hugged me and said "Thanks daddy." and scampered off. I stood there shocked. Daddy?

"Justin you ok?" Lindsay asked.

"Daddy?"

"He loves you. You're as much a father to him as Brian is. "

"But Daddy?"

"We don't have a problem with it. Hope you don't."

"Let me think about it, ok" I kissed Melanie and Lindsay good-bye and thanked them. Daddy. I could get to like the sound of that.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Summer came and school let out. I finished the year with a 4.00 average. Brian was really proud but he also made it clear that it didn't earn me the right to be sitting around all day like last summer. So him and Debbie came up with a great idea. Ok so maybe not such a "great" idea. They suggested I work at the diner since it's only a couple of blocks away. Wasn't to thrilled but I thought ok I'll give it a try. The hardest thing was the crowds but gradually that got easier. Started to have fun with everyone and getting hit on 100 times a day sure didn't hurt my self-esteem. But that's what Brian had planned all along. He can be such a sneaky little bastard sometimes.

It was a crazy year I think now while I look over what I wrote but boy did things really get weird. The Pirates were winning, and winning, and winning. They were in first place in July. Brian had never really played on a winning team before and he was beating the crap out of every pitcher in the National League. God what an aphrodisiac it was for him. He was a nonstop sex machine. The more they won the more we fucked. God love a winner.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

I had never really been to game. My dad had taken me when I was younger but sports never really took with me. At least till Brian came along. I check in on Pirate games when they're on TV and I always try to watch Baseball Tonight on ESPN. Hey, got to see if the boyfriend made the highlights. But it really came as a surprise when he said he got tickets for Debbie and me for a game.

"Debbie likes to go but she doesn't really have anyone to go with. It's been hard on Vic to go when he was really sick and Mike's just not a sports fan."

"Ok sounds cool."

So Debbie and I went one summer evening. We had great seats. A couple of rows back from the dugout. Brian introduced me to his best friend on the team, Ken. He was the shortstop. He was the guy who came up with the idea of the "J" on the caps when I got hurt. It was nice to finally have a chance to thank him.

It was a great game. The Pirates won, of course and Brian went 3 for 4. I think he was just showing off for me. Debbie and I really had a chance to sit and talk for the first time in awhile.

"You know this means you're really part of the family now."

"Thought I was."

"How many people do you think he's invited to games?"

"I dunno. Lots."

"He's invited exactly four, Me, Mike, Vic and Lindsay. Know why?" I just shrugged. " Because we all knew that skinny Mick before he became famous. He can't trust anyone fully who he meets now. He doesn't know if it's for Brian the man or Brian the baseball player. He's trying to say he trusts you now and you're part of the circle."

'I wish he would just say it and not be so cloak and dagger."

"He can't, that's because of that bastard father of his.

"He says he loves me."

"I know. And he means it. This is just his way of telling you that."

"Thanks Deb."

Later that night when we were curled up and trying to sleep I told him I got his message today.

"What message."

"You know."

"You've been talking to Debbie again, haven't you?"

'I love you to"

"Go to sleep. It's late."

I tried but not before I looked over and saw the smile on his face. Kinney you are so busted.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

September rolled around again. School started and we did our little anniversary tradition. And of course we fucked all night when we got back. I'll never know how he does it. I could barely walk the next day and he goes 4 for 4. Maybe I am his good luck charm.

But this September was different because of the Pirates. They were in first by 5 games over the Cardinals with 2 weeks left. And on September 20th the Pirates clinched the National League Central by beating the Cubs 5-4 at PNC. Brian was finally going to have a chance to play in the post season.

We all had a little something planned. Once we knew they clinched everyone got to the loft. We had champaign on ice and a huge congratulations banner strung up. When Brian walked in I hit the CD and Queens "We are the Champions" blasted through the loft and everyone yelled "Surprise!" I thought the poor boy was going to lose it but he caught himself. We cracked the bottles and had a great time. Everyone left about 4 am and then Brian and I had our own little party. Wouldn't you know it. Next game he goes 4 for 4 again. What can I say, the Angels got their rally monkey, Brian's got super twinkie.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

The Pirates did a fantastic job in the playoffs. For a team the bookmakers gave no chance to they begin by sweeping Arizona 3 games to none and then beating San Francisco 4 games to 2. Brian was on cloud nine. He was finally on the verge of achieving the dream of every player, to play in a World Series. The best part was their opponent turned out to be the team everyone loves to hate, the New York Yankees.

Brian had tickets to every playoff game. Each player was given so many tickets. He asked if I wanted to go but there was no way I could go into a crowd like that. So his sister and nephews got to go to a game or two along with Mike, Debbie and Vic. For the rest of the games Debbie had a TV brought into the dinner so we could watch on our shifts. And woe on to any queen who complained about having sports on. Debbie just explained who Brian was while ripping the guy a new one. That stopped any complaints real fast. You don't fuck with the fairy god mom.

And once the word got out the newest fashion craze on Liberty Ave was Pirate gear. Pirate caps and jerseys appeared everywhere. Hell I almost expected to see eye patches and parrots on guys' shoulders. Every gay bar in town had the games on. Brian was one of us and they were going to support one of their own.

I felt I had one job during all this. Provide an island of sanity for him. I became part gatekeeper and part pit bull. Nobody and I mean nobody that wasn't part of the inner circle got through to him. I made sure he had that quiet time he needed. To this day I still think it made the difference and let him concentrate on what was important. And what a difference it made. Brian was like a human vacuum clearer around second. Nothing got past him. And at the plate he destroyed the Yankees pitching. But as tough as they were they only managed to split the first six games. It all came down to a final and deciding game 7 in Pittsburgh.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Brian and I were curled up together the night before the big game. Out of the blue Brian told me of his plan to come out after the game tomorrow. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. "Brian, you sure you want to do this?"

"Yes. I've thought a lot about this. I know I've never made a secret of being gay in the community but most of the outside world doesn't know. It's time to come out. I need to be a roll model for that kid on his high school team who thinks he's the only gay guy out there."

I was shocked. I rolled on top of him and pined his arms to the bed. "What did you do with Brian Kinney? I want my Brian back."

"Justin this isn't a joke. You have to be ready to."

"What do I have to do with it?"

"I don't want to do this alone. I need us to do this together. But you have to be 100% sure."

"Am I 100% sure that I want you to tell the world I'm your boyfriend? Where have you been for the last 2 years? HELL YES! But what about your career?"

"Justin, it's the last year of my contract with the Pirates. If they want to sign me again, fine. If not, fuck em. I've put away enough and Ted's made some good investments. We can live comfortably for the rest of our lives. Maybe I'll finally use that marketing degree I got in college. I've got tickets for you, Mike and Deb."

"Never been to a World Series game."

"It's game seven. If we win it's going to be special. In more ways then one"

"Ok I'll be there. But it's just for you."

"That's all I can ask."

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

We didn't know it till the next day but Mike wasn't going to the game. He had other plans for his ticket.

"Uncle Vic, I want you to have this." I said as I gave him the ticket for game 7.

"Mike, this is the ticket Brian gave you to the game. I can't accept this."

"I know. But I want you to have it."

"Why?"

"I'm going to watch it at Woodys with Ben. Brian knows you should be there. I know all about the stuff you did for Brian when we were teenagers. Teaching him the ropes about being gay. He turned around and did the same thing for me. This is thank you from the two of us."

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

I couldn't believe the atmosphere at the park. I took a quarter of an anti anxiety pill hoping it would help take the edge off of being in that crowd. A whole one tends to knock me out so I hoped it would be enough. We got there early. Brian saw us during batting practice and waved. He knew we wanted him to concentrate and not worry about us. We'd see him after the game.

It was fun to watch all that pomp and ceremony before the game. When they did the introductions I don't have to tell you who did the loudest cheer when it was Brian's turn. The final thing they did was have Bill Mazeroski throw out the first pitch. I didn't know who he was but Debbie told me the story. He had hit a game and series winning home run off the Yankees in 1960 in game 7 to win the championship for the Pirates. God I hope it's a good omen.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Almost all children imagine sometime in their lives getting that game winning hit or hitting that home run to win game 7 of the World Series. Bill Mazeroski of the Pittsburgh Pirates did just that to win the 1960 World Series over the New York Yankees. Can history repeat itself tonight? Stay tuned. Tonight on Fox we bring you Game 7 of the 2002 World Series. The American League Champion New York Yankees verses the National League Champion Pittsburgh Pirates.

Good evening everyone I'm Joe Buck. I'm with Tim McCarver here in Pittsburgh to bring you Game 7. Tim, the New York Yankees have won 25 championships over the last 102 years and four of the last six. They looked like a shoe in on paper to win their 26th. But the Pirates didn't roll over and tonight have forced a game 7.

Yes they have Joe. Led by their team captain, all-star second basemen Brian Kinney, the Pirates have refused to give up. Hitting .450 with 4 home runs and 12 runs batted in for the series and turning in defensive gems at second, Brian has almost single handedly kept the Pirates in the series…

You're sitting in your locker trying to keep the butterflies under control. Who would have thought, game 7. There is no tomorrow. We're either champions tonight or not. Almost every eye in the locker room is on you. As team captain they all expect you to say some magic words and lead them to victory.

"All right, listen up everyone, nobody gave us a shot at the beginning of the season, remember. Well, it's our park and it's our destiny. Fuck the Yankees and lets go kick their asses."

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

It's the bottom of the 8th and no score. Both teams have had their chances but nobody can seem to push a run across. You're leading off the inning. You turn back to the dug out and tell your teammates, "I'm getting on base. One of you drive me home. Lets end this damn thing right now."

You head for the batters box, swing a couple of times and get set. You think. C'mon just one mistake, just one. Give me something I can drive. First pitch, strike one. Ok he threw the heat, but I know he loves that curve ball. C'mon hang me a nice juicy curve ball and lets end this game. Next pitch. Focus Kinney focus. He hung it! BAM…

… line drive to right center. It's in the gap, it's going to the wall Kinney's heading for second. He's going for three. Here's the throw. Not in time. Kinney's on third with a stand up triple. Pirates have the lead run on third with nobody out.

"Yes!!!" You slap your hands together. We're going to win this damn game.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

"He did it Debbie, he did it!" You, Vic, and Debbie are hugging and jumping up and down. Screaming and cheering like everyone else.

"Ok Sunshine calm down. They still got to get him home." Debbie's holding your hand and Vic's, "C'mon Brian you can do it."

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

You take a lead off third. Just a few steps. But you never break eye contact with the pitcher. Is he going to try and pick you off or throw home? The eyes will tell. He's going home. You start to break to home and stop as strike one is called. You walk back to third. It's a cat and mouse game.

He's throwing home again. Crack. You start heading to home and stop as you realize it's a fly ball to left field. You head back to third to tag up.

"Looks deep enough." You hear the third base coach say. "Get ready."

You feel your muscles coil like springs ready to explode. You're a cheetah ready to chase down its prey. Your prey is home plate, 90 feet away. Time slows down. You're watching the left fielder slowly drift under the ball. You see the ball slowly drift down. Time almost stands still. He catches it and the springs explode. You start running for home.

"Go! Go! Go!" You hear the third base coach yell behind you.

85 feet from home… 80 feet… 75 feet

Everything you ever did in your life comes down to this one moment.

70 feet from home… 65 feet… 60 feet

All those pick up games, high school games, college games, minor league games. All those endless bus trips. All those years playing on losing teams. It all prepared you for right now.

55 feet from home… 50 feet… 45 feet

The next batter is behind home plate. His job is to watch the ball and tell you if you need to slide. But you've already decided. You're going in headfirst and sliding no matter what.

40 feet from home… 35 feet… 30 feet

Posada, the Yankee catcher, is beginning to maneuver himself to receive the throw.

25 feet from home… 20 feet… 15 feet

You throw your arms forward and begin to dive. All you see is that white object in the ground. The object that will give you your dreams, home plate is just in front of you.

10 feet from home… 5 feet…

You watch your left hand slide along the top of the plate. You didn't feel a tag from the catcher. Your momentum carries you past the plate and slowly rotates you to the left. You look and find the umpire. He slowly brings up his hands to signal…

... Safe!!! Kinney's safe!!! The Pirates lead one nothing

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

"C'mon one more out and we got it. " It's the top of the ninth and you're standing near second and praying that the ball isn't hit to you. You're to damn nervous…

…Two out. Top of the ninth. The Pirates are one out away from history. The pitch. Strike one. This crowd of 40,000 is on its feet. They know what's about to happen. And the pitch. He popped it up. This could be it. It's by second. Kinney's under it. THE PIRATES WIN!!! THE PIRATES WIN!!! OH MY LORD THE PIRATES WIN! This stadium is going crazy. There go the fireworks. It's a mass celebration by the pitchers mound.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

YEEESSS!!!!!!!! Your hands are clinched in the air in triumph. He did it He really did it. Your boyfriend won. Debbie grabs you in a bear hug. She's screaming and crying at the same time. You watch Vic slowly sit down and start to cry. You put your hand on his shoulder.

"Vic?"

"I'm ok. I just never thought I'd live long enough to see another one."

You watch Debbie sit down and share the moment with her brother. You look down at the field. The fireworks. The streamers. This is going to be one hell of a party town tonight. You catch sight of Brian. He's running around, hugging and celebrating with everyone on the field. A bunch of cameramen are following him.

"You did it baby. I'm so proud of you." You say softly, almost to yourself. You watch Brian break away from the pack and jump on top of the dugout. He's searching the crowd. He sees you.

"Justin c'mon down." You hear him yell. You're frozen. You don't know what to do. He's waving his arm. "NOW!"

You look at Debbie. "What do I do?" you ask.

"Go. We'll be ok."

You make your way down through the crowd to the dugout. Brian holds his hand out. You take it and he pulls you up into a bear hug. "We did it baby, we did it." Brian says to you in triumph while holding you in a tight hug. But before you can reply Brian turns to the reporters and cameramen on the field and yells, "Hey, here's a picture you'll love. This is my boyfriend. The faggot just won the World Series. And the faggots are going to celebrate."

HOLY SHIT! You think as Brian dips you back and gives you the most incredibly romantic kiss he ever gave you. He can never do anything halfway. Everything has to be off a fucking cliff with him.

"I can't believe you just did that."

"I told you it was going to be something special if we won."

"I know but…"

"I love you and I don't give a damn who knows now. Come on."

Brian helps you off the top of the dugout and takes you on the field. They're setting up the stage for the trophy presentation in the outfield grass. This way everyone at the game can see it. Brian finds his friend Ken and introduces you.

"Ken this is the guy I told you about yesterday. This is Justin."

"Wait a second. You're the kid who got hurt last year."

"One in the same." You tell his friend.

"Now it all makes sense. Damn you Kinney, you couldn't trust us could you."

"I'm trusting you now."

"Ok, but your not getting off the hook that easy." Ken says with a smile on his face as he pulls his best friend into a hug.

You stand back from the two of them and watch the championship trophy be presented to the owners and manager of the Pirates. Then came the time for the MVP or Most Valuable Player award. Everyone knew who was going to get it.

"Brian Kinney." Joe Buck announces the winner. "Where's Brian?"

Brian jumped on stage and collected his award. "I want to thank everyone for this. But we all earned it. We all played a part in getting here and you all deserve a piece of this. But I'm still keeping it. So if you want to see your part it will be at my house." Brian got all his teammates laughing at that as he held the trophy over his head in triumph. It started a huge ovation from the crowd. Then Brian looked down at me with that huge smile on his face and winked at me.

Ken's been standing next to me the whole time. "Don't worry kid. It'll be rough for him for a while but we'll take care him. We're his teammates."

"Thanks."

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Here comes McCarver with the microphone trying to buttonhole Brian for an interview. You've been dreading this part.

"Brian, in the 8th we noticed you went back to the dugout and said something. What was it?"

"I said I'm getting on base. One of you drive me home. Lets end this damn thing right now."

"And about what you did after the game?"

"Tim, here's the answers to all your questions. Yes, I'm gay, yes that's my boyfriend, his name is Justin, he's 19 and we've been together for two years. Yes, some of my teammates knew and I'm tired of lying. That's why I did it. No I don't know if I'll be back next year. Now, since I just won the World Series. I'm going to Liberty Avenue."

With that you watch Brian jump off stage and leave McCarver standing there speechless. Brian heads over to you and whispers in your ear, "C'mon sonny boy, lets get out here. We gots some partying and some fucking to do tonight."

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

You manage to get the lofts door open while holding up a very drunk Brian. You've been out all night celebrating. The two of you had one hell of an all night victory parade down Liberty Avenue. It's sunrise and you finally get Brian home.

"Ok Brian, time for beddy bye."

"Come on sonny boy, one more drink."

"I think you've one more drinked enough tonight old man." You tell him as you help him stagger up the stairs, get undressed and into bed. He's finally lying there, cradling his MVP award like a teddy bear. You sit down on the bed as his eyes start to close.

"You love me, Justin?"

"Of course I love you. You know that."

"Good, I never loved anyone before." He says sleepily as he falls asleep and begins to snore quietly. You go get a bucket and put it by the bed. Just in case. Then you bend down and kiss him gently on his forehead.

"Sweet dreams my prince."

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

God we slept the day away, you realize, when you woke up and saw it was 3 in the afternoon. Good, Brian is still asleep. He's going to have one hell of a hang over. The more he sleeps, the better.

You gently get out of bed so as not to wake him and throw some sweat pants on. Heading for the kitchen you check the voice mail. "You have 250 new messages." Thank God you remembered to turn the phone off last night. Half way through starting some coffee you hear someone knocking on the door. It's got to be Mike. You open it and see an older woman standing there.

"Hello, is Brian home?" She asks.

"Yes," you say quietly, "but he's still sleeping. We were out late last night."

"I can imagine." She kind of gives you the once over. "You're the young man from the game last night, aren't you?

"Yes, and can I ask who you are?"

"I'm Mrs. Kinney. Brian's mother."

"Oh boy." you kind of say under your breath.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Caught between a rock and a hard place you invite Brian's mother in.

"Brian's got taste, I got to give him that." She says as she gives the loft the once over.

"Never been here before?' You ask as you get the coffee started.

"Brian and I haven't been close these last few years. That's why last night came as such a shock."

"You're weren't the only one he surprised."

"How old are you…?"

"Justin. I'm 19."

"Aren't you a little young?"

"Mrs. Kinney, it happens. You don't chose who you fall in love with."

"I meant to know…"

'That I'm gay." She shakes her head yes. "If I don't lie to myself I think I've always known. Most of us do."

"And Brian?"

"I think that's something you need to ask him."

"Ask him what?" You look up and see Brian standing in the bedroom doorway. At least he's put some pants on. "Oh hello dragon lady, was wondering when you'd show up." He says as he heads to the frig to get something to drink. "Let me guess, you were watching the game last night with a bunch of your cronies from church, bragging about your son the ballplayer. That is until the little faggot came out."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"You've never taken a interest in my life. Especially when you stood back and let Dad beat the crap out of me. Why should I tell you anything now."

"I tried to protect you."

"Nice try. You'd better think of a new line because if I don't believe it St. Peter certainly won't."

"It's a sin you know."

"Fine, I'm going to hell. Any messages for dad or would you rather deliver them yourself."

"How dare you talk about your father like that."

"Lets see, drunk, wife beater, adulterer and child abuser. Yep that about sums it up."

You look and Brian's mother is speechless. She just gets up and walks out.

"Brian?"

"Justin, I'm sorry you had to see that but let it drop. I'm not ripping that scar off today." He walks over and takes you into a hug. "Maybe super twink can fix it one day but till then lets just go back to bed."

"I got a better idea. Lets go get something to eat."

"Now? I'm horny as hell. You wouldn't deny the victor his spoils."

"You're always horny. It's almost 4…"

"We did sleep in didn't we."

"Let's take a shower first and then we'll go eat."

"Good idea. I can fuck you in the shower."

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

We walked into the dinner and I know Brian was waiting for the explosion from Debbie. But it didn't just come from her. It came from everyone. But Debbie was the one who came over and hugged him.

"It's always off a fucking cliff with you isn't it"

"It was one way to shut McCarver up." Brian told her flashing that innocent smile of his.

Debbie just laughed. "C'mon, the two of you go sit down. I know you haven't eaten since yesterday."

We ordered and Debbie sat down after she brought us our food.

"So now what?"

"Honest Deb, I have no clue."

"You could start with those 253 phone messages." You tell Brian.

"How many?"

"253."

"God, it's worse then I thought."

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

It turned out that the first order of business was the victory parade through downtown Pittsburgh on Tuesday. About a hundred thousand people showed up. I couldn't miss any more class so I just caught some of it on TV between classes in the student center.

"Hey Justin, I didn't know you were such a sports fan." The guy who said it was someone I knew from a couple of classes. He walks over and sits down next to you. What the hell, if Brian had the guts to tell the truth about us so can I. They had a close up of Brian on the TV.

"I'm not but that's my boyfriend." You say pointing to the TV.

"No way." Then he stares at you for a second. "Hey you're the guy from the game Sunday night."

"Yep."

"Oh wow."

It got around school really fast and I turned into a minor celebrity for a while. But Brian was the one who really had to deal with the fame. The Pirate P.R. department was inundated with interview requests. He made sure the first one went to the Advocate. Hey, family has to stick together. Brian was the next week's cover boy. He looked like such a stud in his uniform with a bat on his shoulder. With the caption "World Champion. Out and Proud." I framed the cover and hung it in the loft. I thought it captured him perfect.

He had to go to New York for a couple of days for the talk show circuit. You know, all the usual suspects, the morning shows, CNN, Fox News, 60 minutes. When everyone asked why he just kept hammering the point about being a role model. That lonely teenager who thinks he's the only one. From what I know about his past I know damn well he's remembering himself.

I finally got in touch with mom. She wasn't to crazy about what happened. Said Dad called after the game and started ranting and raving. She finally just told him to go fuck off and hung up. Way to go mom. She keeps this up she may be the grand marshal to the gay pride parade next year. All in all she was pretty positive about the whole thing. She knows Brian's a good man and I could have done a lot worse. But his fame can sure drive her up a wall sometimes. Not many moms see their son's picture on a supermarket tabloid that says, "I was Brian Kinney's sex slave."

Even after all that I didn't realize the impact Brian had till he brought the fan mail home.

"Hey Sunshine, I can use some help here." You heard Brian yell one afternoon while he was dragging a huge mail sack into the loft.

"What the hell is this?"

"Our fan mail. There's another sack in the elevator, go get it"

"You've got to be kidding."

"Nope. Now go get the other one."

It turned out most of it was addressed to Brian but some was addressed to the both of us. He had gotten fan mail before but nothing like this. We decided to do a little each day, together. Most were letters of encouragement and some were from the fag haters. And a few threatened us. Those we put aside for the Pirate security people to deal with. There were even a few addressed to me. They were from people who had been hurt like I was. They said my story gave them encouragement.

But the best were from the athletes, gay teenagers who were playing sports. How the two of us gave them the courage to keep going. How they could be out and still compete. Those we made a point of answering personnel with a hand written note. We even had a picture made up of the two of us that we autographed and sent out with those letters. What was really amazing, with the demand for baseball memorabilia, after all these years we've never saw one auctioned on Ebay.

Brian didn't worry about the hate mail till one morning he came down and found his jeep vandalized. Faggot was spray painted over it and the four tires were flattened. I didn't know about it till I came home that night, listened to what happened, and he introduced me to the bodyguard he hired.

"Justin, this is Guido. He's going to be your bodyguard."

Guido looked like he could play offensive line for the Steelers. Hell he looked tough and big enough to BE the offensive line. "Who'd you hire him from, Tony Soprano?"

"No comment. Just let him be around in public with you. Especially at school. There's enough crazies in the world."

"You think this is necessary?"

"Yeah, at least for a couple of weeks."

So that's how I got my shadow. Guido drove me to and from school and hung around near me in my art classes. He did enjoy some of them he said later. I think his favorite was the still life class. Especially when we had the female models. What the hell, everyone can't be gay.

It kind of got to be a weird friendship between the two of us. Someone stuck us with the nickname of Goldilocks and the big bear. After awhile everyone kind of got used to him. He'd sit in my studio watching the doors and I'd have a chance to draw him. He said he liked the drawing I gave him. He joked it was the first thing he'd posed for other then a mug shot.

One afternoon at lunch I had a chance to get him to open up. I wanted to know how Brian had the clout to get a favor like this.

"You breathe a word of this and I'll have to make you disappear."

"Ok."

"My boss owed your friend a favor. His son is kind of like you guys."

"Like us?"

"You know, he doesn't like girls."

"Oh."

"He was getting mugged outside some club and Brian jumped in and saved him a couple of years ago. The kid was hurt pretty bad and your friend made sure he got help and got to a hospital. My boss met Brian in the emergency room after he heard the story. Among my people that's a debt you don't think about not repaying so he told Brian that if he ever needed anything he was to come see him."

`And you're the repayment?"

"Hey kid, I don't pretend to understand what goes on between the two of you but I do know he cares about you."

"I know. Thanks for trusting me."

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

I wanted to do something special for the fall student art show. I tried different ideas but I kept coming back to the game. Brian had done a lot of public interviews about it but I had never really shared it with anyone, other then Brian. I kept coming back to the photos of Brian and I on top of the dug out. The painting turned out to be just the two of us embracing on the dugout in front of the crowd. It was about 5 feet by 5 feet and had a lot of yellows, oranges and reds in it, all bright happy colors because that's how I feel about that moment. Kind of looked like a LeRoy Neiman painting. I only worked on it at school because I didn't want Brian to see it till it was done.

The day of the show I hug back and watched from a far as Brian saw it for the first time. He just stood there looking at it. Eventually I walked over and Brian drew me in. Held me in his arms in front of him facing the painting.

"If I ever have second thoughts about what I did all I have to do is look at that painting. Thank you Sunshine." Brian whispered in my ear.

That painting always had a special place in our lives. It also turned out to be my first professional sale. When a reporter from Sports Illustrated came to interview Brian he wanted to use it to illustrate the story after seeing it hanging in the loft. The little twink's first professional sale was to a sports magazine. How butch can you get? Later, Brian always wanted it in a place of honor in our homes. And that's where it always was. Till the day we died.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

I was cruising the Internet one afternoon when I came across this place in Atlanta called Rainbow Home (www.chrishomes.org). I called Brian over.

"Find some good porn?"

"No. You should see this. It's a place in Atlanta where gay teenagers can go if their parents throw them out. It got me thinking about what could have happened if I hadn't met you."

"You would have made out."

"Yeah, maybe peddling my ass on Liberty Avenue as a hustler. Just got me thinking there's nothing like that here."

"What do you want to do about it?"

"You know people. Anybody you know could do this?"

"You."

"Me?"

"If you want it bad enough, make it happen."

"How would I pay for it?"

"If I get the money you do it, deal?

"Brian I…"

"Deal?"

"Deal."

"What would you call it?"

"Mark's House."

Brian just stood there speechless for a second. "You'll have the money by the end of the week." He said then went in the bathroom and closed the door so I couldn't see him start to cry.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

You stand looking into the mirror watching the tears. That kid got to you again. Pussy whipped by a twink. Then you remember Mark. He died so you could have this happiness with Justin. Then you remember what that priest said the night Justin woke up.

"God brought you two together for a reason. You take this bonus time you're going to have together and be good to each other and reach out together to other people and make a difference in their lives. "

I'll never be half the man Justin is. My mom thinks I'm going to hell. I probably was till I met Justin. I swear I'm going to help make his dream a reality.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

First thing the next morning you go to Ted and Melanie and have the papers drawn up for a non-profit foundation. You put the first million of your own money in as seed money. The balance is going to come from a few of those so called "A" gays in this town.

"Mr. Kinney, what a surprise"

"Thanks for seeing me on short notice."

"My pleasure. That was a hell of a World Series, all of it. But I guess you're not here to discuss baseball."

"No, I'm not." You proceed to tell him about Mark's House. Why you're doing it and how it's being funded. "Now get your checkbook out and give me a million dollars."

"What?

"You heard me. I know your taste for chicken. Those kids deserve something better then your bed."

"That's blackmail."

"No it's not. Because what I'm saying is not leaving here. You can give me a check or not. But you owe those kids a chance at something better so fork it over." He hesitates for a moment, and then you see him reach into his desk and pull out a checkbook. One down, eight to go.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Three days later you walk up to Justin and drop the bank statement with the foundation legal papers on the desk next to him.

"What's this?" He asks, looking over the documents.

"Mark's House, now go do it."

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

You sit in the jeep trying to find all the courage you can that's inside a 19 year old. You've been dreading this moment for almost two years but you know you finally have to do this. You have directions to where the gravesite is. You head up a slight hill and then you see the stone marker. MARK ROBERTS, DECEMBER 11, 1980-APRIL 21, 2001 Beloved Son. Beloved Friend. You brought two bottles of his favorite beer. One you place next to the tombstone. The other is for you. You sit down in the snow, lean back against the stone marker and start drinking.

"Been awhile hasn't it? I was a little zonked out the last time I saw you. Those pills were pretty good." You say remembering the image of Mark yelling at you when you tried to kill yourself. "Don't even know if you were real. It's getting to be a bad habit. You saving me like that." You take another swig of beer trying to fit back the tears. You tell him about the last couple of years. All the things Brian did for you. How happy the two of you are. Tell him about the World Series and how Brian is helping those gay teenagers around the country. You tell him how good the last couple of years have been. "If it wasn't for you I wouldn't have had any of that. They're never going to forget what you did. I promise. Brian helped me get funding to do this. It's a home where gay kids can go if their parents throw them out. We're calling it "Mark's House". Your parents are going to cut the ribbon next week. Figure you'll be there to somewhere." You take another swallow of beer. "Mark, watch over those kids like you watched over me, ok. They're the ones who'll need you now." You get up, brush the snow off and touch the stone marker. "Thanks for everything. I'll see you around bud."

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

I haven't been this scared since my first spring training. Me and my brilliant ideas. How the hell is everyone going to react? From my teammates, to the guys on the other teams, to the parent who hears his son say he wants to grow up and be just like his hero Brian Kinney. Why didn't I just quit when I was on top? Because you've got a mail sack full of reasons back home, that's why you schmuck. It's just not about you anymore.

First day was just light workouts. Then came the part you worried the most about. Shower time. You walk in and there are about 15 guys in there. Everyone drops their soaps at the same time and just stare at you. Lasted about 5 seconds before someone starts laughing. Then they all cracked up. You laugh, in spite of yourself and walk over to the showerhead next to your friend Ken.

"You're a dead man, you know that."

"Moi? Ken says trying to sound innocent. Which of course is impossible.

"But thanks anyway."

"Good. Now can you get back to the old miserable son of a bitch we all know and love?"

"Yeah. Promise." You say smiling.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

It's your first at bat in a game this spring. You know you're going to hear it from the catcher. But it's part of the game. He's just trying to throw you off. It won't be that bad. Can you imagine the razzing Palmeiro went through after he did those Viagra commercials?

"Hey faggot"

"Hey breeder." You take the first pitch for a ball.

`You should try a women some time. Make a man out of you."

"Rather do your brother and make a man out of him." You hit the next pitch up the middle for a single. You round first and thought about second for a moment but head back to first. You look back and make eye contact with the catcher and you see him nod at you. You nod back. It's all about mutual respect. It's all just part of the game.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Brian made plans for Melanie, Lindsay, Gus and I to go down to spring training for a week. Spring break in Florida is this cool or what. Think he did it for a couple of reasons. First, what can I say he misses me. And two it was kind of a peace offering to Mel. They've had their problems over the years but he is trying to make it right with her. She is his son's mother after all. I'm kind of getting to like this new Brian.

They went to a few games but mostly it was the beach, shopping in Tampa or just taking it easy. Brian introduced Gus around to everyone as his son. Which raised a few eyebrows, along with a few jokes about having two kids. But he didn't care. And neither did I.

I even had my own little first. Went up and sat with the other players families. That raised some eyebrows at first but who cares? Just turned on the old Sunshine charm. Didn't take long and soon half of them wanted to take me home and try and convert me and the other half wanted to adopt me. Now I'm just one of the "girls" as Emmett said. Just wish that big green parrot the Pirates have as a mascot would leave me alone

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Brian tossed and turned all night before opening day. Everything went pretty good in Florida. A few fans shouted stuff. But it was no big deal. But this was home and he had no idea how they'd react. I kept telling him not to worry but Brian had to be Brian and he wouldn't listen.

I sat in the family section for the game. During batting practice Brian came over to the stands and we talked a little while he was signing autographs. People were pretty cool. Kept telling him that everything was fine but I know he didn't believe it.

Then it came time to introduce the teams. Brian was going to be second. Before they even finished his name the crowd was on its feet with the loudest ovation I ever heard. I could see from his body language he was shocked by what he was seeing. Ken turned him around and pointed to the bleachers. I looked and there were 2 banners. One said "So What." And the other was "San Fran eat your heart out. He's ours." Brian took off his hat and waved to the crowd but that just made them louder. Eventually he made eye contact with me and waved. He was going to be ok.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

The next two and a half years went like a blur. I kept my grades up so I could graduate near the top of my class. I also got an internship with an advertising firm as a commercial artist. I shared in Brian's dream of opening our own ad firm after he retired so I did everything I could to be ready. Even Brian started to work toward it. He got an internship and worked with a firm during the off-season. Boy were they going to regret that. Little did they know they were creating their future competition and worst nightmare.

2005 was going to be the year of the big changes. I began my last semester in January. In March Brian left with bittersweet feelings for his last spring training as a player. We had spent a lot of time talking about the future. The undiscovered country, like they said in that old Star Trek movie. It was scary but the one thing we were sure of is that we were going to face it together.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

The Pirates were to be on the road the day of Justin's graduation. But I had made it abundantly clear from the start of the season that I was going back to Pittsburgh for that day. And if anyone had a problem they could meet me in the parking lot after a game. You can guess no one put up an argument.

The whole gang was there for Justin's big day. I sat in the audience between Debbie and Jennifer, the two proud mommies. And I still can't believe that bastard father of his didn't show. When they called his name we all stood and cheered. I never told Justin how much his voice carried at the stadium and how I always heard him cheering me on. Now it was my turn and I loved every minute of it. And when it was done I must have got a little red around the eyes because Debbie pressed a Kleenex into my hand and whispered that my secret was safe with her. Damn, I must be catching Justin's allergies. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

I was home one evening during Brian's last road trip when someone from the Pirates called. I knew they were planning on having Brian Kinney Day the last game of the season. What they told me is they had gotten him this great Harley motorcycle and someone had the idea for me to drive the thing into the park and present it to him.

"Brian will just shit."

"That's the idea."

"But I've never rode a bike before."

"Well come down tomorrow. We'll have someone show you how and you can practice."

"Great."

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

It's the day of the last game. So of course we were running a little late, for the obvious reason. I look in the mirror and watch Brian come out of the shower and remember this morning. And I remember that first morning too. It just got better and better every time. He takes me into a hug and starts kissing me.

"Didn't you get enough this morning?"

"It's never enough. Haven't you learned that by now."

"Brian we don't have time for this…Brian stop that… Brian no… No Brian… GOD YES!!!"

So of course we ran even later. I told Brian, just before we got to the park that I wouldn't be out on the field with everyone but I'd show up later.

"What are you planning?" I just smiled at him and didn't say a word. "Justin?"

"Don't worry. I won't embarrass you."

"You'd better not."

We went are separate ways. Brian headed for the clubhouse and I headed for underneath the center field bleachers like we planned. The on field ceremony before the game turned out to be half a ceremony honoring him and half a Friar's Club roast. All his "loyal" friends and teammates spoke. Who ever thought of giving a case of condoms knew Brian perfectly. Then it was Brian's turn to speak. He vowed dire consequences on who ever thought of this idea to honor him but in the end when he got through thanking everyone there wasn't a dry eye in the house.

Then came my turn. The announcer said the Pirates had gotten Brian an extra special retirement gift and for everyone to turn toward center field. That was my cue. Just like we had rehearsed I came roaring out on the Harley with my American flag helmet and the fringe on my leather jacket flying in the breeze.

"Hey stranger, going anywhere special?" I yelled as I pulled up to him on the bike.

"Not with you driving." Brian said, trying to keep a straight face.

"Well I promise to take it slow so I won't scare you grandpa."

"Ok" Brian said after he finally started laughing and got on the back. We took a slow tour around the stadium to a huge ovation with Brian waving to the crowd.

During the game I sat next to Brian in the dugout. We kind of sat apart from everyone else on the end of the bench. He put on a brave front but I knew how scared and sad he was. He'd been playing this game since he was 14 and now it was almost over. We didn't say much. Just held his hand every once in a while to let him know I was there.

And then came the 9th inning. The Pirates were ahead big so there wasn't much of a possibility of a bottom of the ninth. I watched Brian jog out to his position and saw that nobody followed him out on the field. His teammates were all standing by the dugout and started applauding. I glanced up and saw the electronic scoreboard just said, "Thanks for 10 wonderful years." as the crowd gave him a standing ovation. I watched Brian just stand there for a second then take off his cap and slowly turn waving to the crowd.

It was three up and three down and just as it began it was over. Game over. Season over. Career over. Everyone walked off the field and I went out and met Brian halfway to the dugout. He put his arm around me as we slowly walked off the field together. Then he did something totally unexpected. As we got close to the dugout there was this young kid sitting in the front row. He was about Gus's age. Brian walked over and gave him his cap. He put a smile on the kids face from ear to ear. If anyone ever wonders why I love Brian all they have to do is see that moment.

Brian got changed and after everyone left we went out on the field for the last time. The lights were off and we just went over to where 2nd is and just stood together for a moment. I had never really seen it before from Brian's view. How did he do it day after day in front of all those people? We didn't say much and soon we both realized it was time to leave.

"C'mon old man let's do it one more time." I said as I started climbing on to the roof of the dugout. I pulled Brian up and we just stood in each other's arms hugging as close as was humanly possible.

"I love you Justin."

"I love you too Brian."