Justin and I are finally living together. Now I know why lions eat their young. Thought I was just getting a lover and a partner, but forgot a teenager went with it. I'm just going to have to get used to it. But if I find his gym shoes in the middle of the floor one more time…

Over the first couple of weeks of living together, we got into a routine. Mornings were the rehab center. My knee was coming along but Justin's progress was real slow. And putting us in the same room was a mistake. We started competing against each other. That is until they started yelling at us that someone could get hurt and to stop behaving like a couple of 5 year olds.

The afternoons were the time for ourselves. We set up an art studio on the side of the loft by the couch. It got the best light in the afternoon for Justin to draw by. His art was coming back very very slowly. He just needed the patience to give it time. But who ever said the word patience and 18 year olds go together.

I worked out every other day at the ballpark to keep my upper body toned up and did a little batting practice. I was just trying to stay in shape. Some afternoons Justin would go to his mom's. Sometimes we'd go for a short walk or take Gus to the park and have a few hours together. Gus really adored Justin. Justin wasn't just a father to him. He was more like a big brother and playmate. And I saw the peace and calm that came over Justin whenever the two of them were together. Sometimes I'd just sat back, watch my two babies and enjoy.

And Gus surprised us with his first word. We were over at Melanie and Lindsay's. I had Gus in my lap trying to get him to talk. "Da-da. Come on Gus say it. Da-da. Say it for your old man sonny boy."

"Don't worry Brian, he knows his first word had better be mama." Melanie observes as she walks by.

Justin sits down next to you on the couch. "Hey Gus, daddy giving you a hard time?"

"Jus-Jus"

Everyone freezes.

"Jus-Jus" Gus says reaching out to Justin.

"My kid's first word is Justin?"

"Way to go Gus looks like we're both on everyone's poop list now."

We had great moments like that but I also saw things that scared the hell out of me. The rages when he couldn't get a drawing to work or dropping things when his hand didn't work right. His fear of people. We couldn't go to Woodys or Babylon. Even the diner upped his stress level. And sometimes our walks turned into trouble. I could feel his fear when he put that death grip on my arm when to many people were around. But the nights were the worst. About 60 percent of the time he'd wake up screaming in the middle of the night. The sheets soaked in sweat. Then he'd finally let me hold him till he fell asleep. And sex was out of the question.

His therapist was only of limited help because of patient/doctor confidentiality. But she did tell me he needs to remember what happened. The nightmares were his subconscious remembering what happened but it needs to come out to his conscious level so he could deal with it. I discussed a plan with her and she agreed it might work.

I got Jennifer, Debbie and Daphne to help. We were going to have a walk through of prom night. I wasn't there so I needed their help. Debbie started first at her house

"Emmett was upstairs with the two of you getting you two ready."

"Please tell me we didn't have tangerine colored tuxes?"

"No they were black and looked fantastic." Your mother observed.

"You did Sunshine. You two came down those stairs and took our breaths away. Looked like you had just stepped off the cover of GQ. All I could say was…. "

Holly shit, Sunshine!  You flash on something just at the edge of your thoughts. "I think I remember that."

Your mom's next. "And I said Sweetheart, you look...beautiful. And so do you Mark. Everyone said something and you asked Mark if he was ready and he said…"

Yeah dude, let's go give them a prom they'll never forget.

"… then you got in Mark's car and went to the hotel."

"You remembering anything?" Brian asks you

"Flashes, bits and pieces." You tell him.

"Ok, lets go to the hotel."

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

The hotel management was nice enough to open the ballroom up to us after we told them the circumstances and what we were trying to do. It was Daphne's turn.

"You two were so handsome together. When you entered everyone was shocked for a second. But after awhile nobody cared. You two were the best dancers out there. You danced every dance. We danced past each other and I kissed you on the cheek and told you…"

I'm so proud of you.

"… When it was over we all left together. You and Mark went ahead. Mark was opening the car door when he saw Hobbs coming up behind you. He tried to warn you…"

Justin!!!

"…but he was to far away. Hobbs hit you once then went after Mark. Before he could get back to you some of the other guys jumped him. They beat the crap out of Chris. I'm sorry Justin I'll never forget that sound. I still hear it sometimes. Everyone grabbed their cell phones and called 911. I held you until the ambulance arrived and they got you stable and loaded on it. Mark was already gone. They couldn't do anything for him. Rode in with you and called your Mom and told her to meet us there. She must have called everyone because that ER was packed with people waiting to hear how you were.

"Anything?" You ask Justin again.

"I wish I could remember."

We both heard Daphne say softly "I wish I could forget."

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

The two of us got back to the loft. He was really quiet, even more so then usual. Like he was processing everything he had heard. Later that night in bed he just looked at me for a while and said.

"You didn't share your memories."

"I was in LA. Nothing to share."

"Tell me what happened to you. You never did."

So I told him about the 20 messages from Mike, Mike telling me the he was in surgery and to get back as fast as I could. How the club got me the quickest flight back.

"What did you tell them?"

"That it was a family emergency. They must have seen the fear on my face because they didn't ask any questions."

"Keep going."

"By the time I got there you had already slipped into a coma. Went into your room and just held your hand and talked to you. I didn't know it but your mother saw the whole thing."

"She did?"

"That's how we met. She realized I wasn't some predator. It's been pretty good between us ever since."

'Good, I was hoping you two would get along. So what else?"

Didn't play that first week. Spent all my time with you. It gave your mother and I a real chance to talk. By the way, I know about the baseball cards." Justin kind of cringed and blushed at the same time when he realized you knew he had collected every one of your baseball cards.. "Don't worry about it. I'm kind of flattered in a way. Dig them out some time and I'll autograph them. They'll be worth more someday."

'Ok"

"Your mother kept telling me you would have wanted me to play."

"She's right."

"So they were back in town after a week and I went back and played. I'm sorry but I lied when I told them about you. Said you were some neighbor's kid that kind of adopted me as a older brother…"

"Eww incest."

"Brat. They knew about the prom from the papers so I told them that was you and you were like part of the family. Told the coach first in his office. As I was leaving he shocked the hell out of me. He told that he knew you were more then just a neighbor's kid from how scared I was in LA. He also said that he'd been in baseball a lot of years and that I wasn't the first one who'd been a teammate. And when I was ready his door was open."

"Oh my god, he knows."

"Yeah and he's cool about it.'

"Damn"

"Then Ken got everyone to put a small "J" on their caps. They said since you were part of my family you were also part of their family and it would stay on till you woke up."

"Wow. I never knew. Going to have to thank them one day."

"Sorry for not telling you sooner. Mornings were with you and I played at night. Gave my cell phone to the coach in case your mother called when I was in the field. So a week later when he came out of the dugout and yelled to me I knew it was about you. God I thought you were dead. Just thought the worst. But he said you were waking up and asking for me. Then told me to get the hell out of there. I took off like a rocket and got to the hospital. The rest you should remember."

"I remember you telling me you loved me for the first time."

"Yeah, what do you know Brian Kinney is pussy whipped by a twink."

"But you're my pussycat and I promise I won't tell anyone."

You'd better not. Night baby

Night.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Lying in bed you think about today and everything Brian told you. You realize you can't keep hurting him like this and you're going to have to do something about it.

Next afternoon Brian was heading to the ballpark to workout.

"You going to be ok for a few hours?"

"Yeah I'll be fine."

"Ok. Later."

"Bye."

You watch Brian close the lofts door. You know now you'll have a couple of uninterrupted hours of privacy. You get up, get the note you wrote earlier, get a glass of water and the sleeping pills and go into the bedroom. You put the note on the nightstand where he'll find it. You empty the bottle of pills into your hand and take them all. At least now you'll be able to sleep. You lie down and wait.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Something's not right and you can't put your finger on it. It's like an itch you can't scratch. You're almost to the park and you just can't figure out what's wrong. You think back to your conversation with Justin. He said he'd be ok and then you said later. Then he said bye. He said good-bye not later. You slam on the Jeeps brakes and do a u-turn. He said good-bye. Damn fool is going to do something stupid.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

You're getting groggy and you're about to pass out. Then you see someone on the bed with you.

"I died for this. So you could kill yourself. Fuck you Justin."

"Mark?"

"Yeah, I'm ashamed of you. Where's the guy who had the guts to invite another guy to his prom. "

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry you prick. Fight! It's not your time."

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

"Justin!!!" You're trying to shake him awake.

"I'm sorry." You barely hear him say.

You grab your keys, cell phone and the prescription bottle and throw Justin over your shoulder. "Sorry's bullshit. You're not dying on me again you spoiled rich kid."

You're breaking about a dozen traffic laws trying to get to the hospital. You call ahead and tell them what happened and to have a gurney waiting at the door. Before you shift into park they've got the jeep door open and are grabbing his limp body. You follow the gurney in. The doctor starts asking questions but you just give him the bottle and tell him it was a suicide attempt. He left a note. Ok, we'll do what we can. Now comes the second worse part of this. You have to start making phone calls.

Jennifer was the first to arrive. She sees you in the waiting room.

"Sit down Jen. They're working on him."

"Brian, what happened? Was it a drug reaction? You know he's allergic to so many things."

"Jen," you're trying to be calm for her, "he took the whole bottle."

"What?"

"He took the whole bottle of sleeping pills. He left a note." You see a shocked look on her face. "I came home and found him. He was still alive when we got here"

"Why?"

"I don't know. I didn't have time to read his note. It's still back at the loft."

Just then Deb and Vic came flying through the door looking for her Sunshine. You tell the whole story again and she takes over taking care of Jennifer. Within about 30 minutes the whole gang was there waiting for news.

"Brian?"

You look up and it was the doctor you gave the bottle to.

"He's going to be ok. It was close. You did the right thing not waiting for a ambulance."

"Can we see him?"

"Yeah, he'll be groggy for awhile. We're going to move him upstairs in a bit. We're also going to have to schedule a psychiatric evaluation sometime tomorrow. He should be up to it by then."

You take Jennifer's hand and you both follow the doctor to the trauma room. You hang back and let Jennifer go in first. You want to give her a minute alone. You watch her take Justin's hand and start to stroke his head.

"Justin?"

"I'm sorry mom." He sounds so weak.

"We're here for you. There's a room full of people out there that's there for you to. Never forget that."

"Brian?"

"I'm here baby," you say as you walk in and take his hand.

"I'm so sorry." You see tears start to form in his eyes through your own tears

"You're such a drama princess, you know that," you tell him. Justin cracks his sunshine smile. "Rest baby. Everything is going to be ok. We'll be back tomorrow." You kiss Justin and leave with his mom.

After getting everyone calmed down, especially Deb, you get them to go home. You tell them nobody can do anything till tomorrow. Then you look at Jennifer

"You know there's nothing we can do tonight. Come back to the loft with me. We need to read that note together and figure out what we need to do."

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Dear Brian

I'm sorry it had to be you that found me but I can't go on like this. I can't draw. I can't sleep. I don't even feel like a real man when I'm with you. I can't be a burden to you the rest of my life. That's why I have to do this. It's because I love you.

J

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

"I knew he was depressed but I didn't think it was this bad." You tell Jennifer, shaking your head after reading Justin's note out loud.

"I didn't see it either." Jennifer can't believe what she heard either.

"I've been in that dark place myself. I should have recognized it in him."

"What do you mean?"

You share something with her you've never told anyone before. You show her your wrist and pull down the bracelet you wear and show her the scars. "I was a teenage. I was a few years younger then Justin is now."

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

"I know you love me but I didn't know you hated me to."

"What are you talking about?"

"I'm supposed to come home and find your dead body. Did you hate me that much?"

"No, I love you."

"You've got a funny way to show it."

"Go away Brian. You don't know anything."

Now you're really getting angry. You take off the bracelet and let him see your scared wrist. "Take a good long look you spoiled brat. Been there, done that, get the t-shirt and the strait jacket. I know it's easier to run then to face your life. I've been to that black hole to and come back. So don't tell me I don't know anything you little shit."

"When?"

You try and calm yourself down before continuing. "I was thirteen. School, figuring out I was queer, my dad, it just all came to a head. My mom found me. Spent a couple of months in the psyche ward. Got out and tried to make a new start. Went to a new school. Met Mike and Debbie and the rest is history."

"I didn't know."

"No one does. Not even Mike. Just you and your mom." He takes your arm and hugs it.

"I saw Mark."

That surprises you. "And?"

"He yelled at me for quitting. Said he was ashamed of me. Told me to fight and that it wasn't my time."

"And? You gonna listen?"

"I'll never do anything like this again. I promise."

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

They kept Justin for a couple of days but it didn't take very long for them to realize he wasn't a danger to himself or anyone else. They released him and we went back to the loft.

On our first full day together we took a little field trip. I took him to the Carnegie Museum of Art. He'd been there before but I needed to make a point to him. Made a point of touring a lot of the modern works. Eventually we sat down in one of the galleries so we could talk.

"Ok Brian why are we here?"

"I wanted to illustrate a point."

"That my work will never be good enough to be here."

"No, that there are alternatives."

"What do you mean?"

"I've watched you draw. You're ok with the broad outlines but your hand fails you when you try the fine detail work."

"No shit."

"I just want you to realize there are other voices you can use." He doesn't understand. "You can use other ways to express yourself where you don't need the fine detail.

"The more modern styles?"

"Yea."

"Well I tried to kill myself like Van Gogh but does that mean I'll have to lose an ear."

"Not funny."

"Sorry."

"I'm just trying to get you to see that you can express your art in other ways. Try sculpture. I always liked Segals work."

"Like you're going to let me encase you in plaster."

"Sounds kinky but maybe not everyday. Look you've got the talent you may just have to find another way to express it."

"Ok point taken."

"One more thing, your mother and I went to the admissions dean at PIFA. We explained the situation and they gave you a deferred admission. They'll hold your spot for a year. Take your time and get your skills back. Go when you're ready. They'll wait."

"I can't believe you did that. Thanks."

"Good now lets go have lunch."

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

The next day I had another surprise arranged for him. He got pissed when he saw we had pulled up to St. James Academy.

"I am NOT going in there!"

"Yes you are you little twat. Your friends are waiting."

"Waiting for what?"

"You'll see. Now get out."

He got out reluctantly and the two of you went in and headed to the back stage of the auditorium. His graduation cap and gown were waiting.

"What the hell is this?"

"A little closure, you're going through your graduation ceremony today." You get the gown on Justin and arrange the cap over his protests. With that done you peek around the curtain and gave the signal to the principal standing on stage at the podium.

The principal starts his remarks. "Thank you all for coming ladies and gentlemen. Today we get to conclude a bit of unfinished business for the class of 2001. One of the joys of this job is handing diplomas to the fine young men and women who graduate from this academy and send them out into the world. One of our graduates couldn't attend his graduation through no fault of his own. Today I get the pleasure in giving this young man his diploma. A little late but still well deserved. Ladies and gentlemen, the final graduate of the class of 2001, Justin Taylor."

Standing back stage you hear the applause but you see Justin is too stunned to move. "Well get out there." You tell him as you give him a push.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

After Brian pushes you on stage you look at the audience and you're stunned. Your Mom, Debbie, the gang from the dinner, Emmett, Ted, Michael, Melanie, Lindsay with Gus, Daphne and about 100 classmates are all giving you a standing ovation. You walk over to the podium to the camera flashes from Mom's and Debbie's cameras. The principal hands you your diploma and shakes your hand.

"Congratulations Justin." And steps back leaving you the microphone.

You look over at Brian in the wings. He's applauding to with a big grin on his face. You just shake your head in disbelief. You just stand there as the applause dies down. "This may surprise some of you but I'm at a total loss for words." That gets a few laughs. "Mom and Debbie thanks. You to Melanie, Lindsay, Ted and Emmett, thanks for being here. Daphne, the best friend anyone could ever have." You look at the stage wing to Brian. "And you'll get yours later Mister." That got an even bigger laugh from the people who know who Brian is. "Thank you everyone." And with that you take you cap off and throw it in the air. To more applause you walk over and hug Brian.

"Thank you."

"You're welcome sonny boy."

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

"Justin, you want to get out of here?" It's the next day. You've both been to rehap that morning and you know Justin has nothing planned for the afternoon

"Where to?"

"Was going to take some batting practice and work out a little. "

"Brian I can be left alone you know. I'm not going to do anything stupid again."

"I know. But I thought you might like to see the ballpark. You've never been there. Bring your sketchpad. You can draw some cute jocks."

"Or maybe at least one cute jock right."

"Maybe."

"Ok."

Brian takes you beneath the grandstands to a work out area where there are nets set up surrounding a couple of pitching machines. The Pirates are on the road so we'll have the place to ourselves. Brian gets one of his bats, sets the machine and begins swinging away. You pull up a chair and begin sketching.

Brian manages to connect on a lot of them. "How fast are they coming?"

"About 80."

"Damn, you're pretty good."

"You should see the difference at 105. You want to try it? I'll turn it down to about 40."

"Ok I'll take a shot."

Brian shuts off the pitching machine and resets it to a lower speed. He fits a batting helmet on you and then gets a funny look. "I just realized this might not be such a good idea. If you get hit in the head by a pitch…"

"Don't worry I'll be careful."

"Ok, but don't be a hero. If it doesn't feel right get out. You don't have to prove anything to me."

"Promise." Brian the goes over and gets a bat he thinks might fit you turns around and hands it to you...

"Justin!" Crack. You hear music. You're dancing and you see Mark's face. "Justin!" You turn and feel the impact.

..."Don't hurt me!" You're yelling as you begin backing up. All you can see is the bat.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

What the hell is wrong with him now? Then you realize he's staring at the bat in your hand. Shit, he's having a flash back. You throw the bat behind you where he can't see it.

"Justin, it's Brian. You're ok. Nobody is going to hurt you." You manage to approach him slowly and take him in your arms. "It's Brian. You're ok." You tell him as he begins to cry. Between his sobs you hear him say something very softly.

"I remember."

You get him back to the loft. The anti -anxiety pill knocks him out. You get him undressed and into bed and he's been sleeping the afternoon away. About 6 you look in and see him sitting up still half asleep. God he looks like he's about 12 years old and just as vulnerable. You go over and sit down on the bed and take his hand.

"Doing ok." You ask gently.

"Yeah. Sorry I must have freaked you out."

"A little."

"I remembered it. It all just hit at once. Relived the whole thing."

"Thought that was what happened. Must have been when I tried to hand you the bat."

"Yeah. I'm going to be ok now."

"Never doubted you would be."

"Never?"

"Never."

"Make love to me Brian. I need you inside me."

"You sure?"

"Just take it slowly and be gentle, ok."

"Like the first time?"

"Yeah," he smiles at the memory, "like the first time."