Talking

The sun was shining so, as usual, the Cullens were at home or taking their leisure.

Emmett and Rosalie were off hunting, though everyone knew hunting was, standard for them, the least of their reasons for going off alone. Jasper was on line, checking to see what, if any, Civil War artifacts were available and at what inflated prices, muttering under his breath at the desecration of history. Esme was deciding between color swatches for the reception tablecloths that Renee had sent.

Alice was sitting on the front steps seemingly waiting for him as Edward drove up and walked up to her. “He’s up in his office.”

Edward half-smiled at her and ruffled her hair as he went by, “Thanks”.

Upstairs, knocking gently on the closed door, he waited a moment. “Am I disturbing you?”

“Of course not.” Carlisle looked up from the AMA Journal he’d been reading as Edward sat across from him in the softly upholstered arm chair, clearly a little tense, obviously with something on his mind that he was uncomfortable with. He waited for the boy to start. “No, not a boy”, he thought. “He hasn’t been a boy for ninety years.” Physically he was seventeen but in terms of simple age, experience and maturity he’d been a man for decades.

“I was hoping, I mean, I was thinking that perhaps you’d be able to…I’m concerned about how.” He stopped, nervous. “Forgive me.”  He seemed to take a breath then plunge on. “I’m worried about something and I was hoping that you might, perhaps have some insight or even answers for me that might put my mind at some ease.”

“Of course, if I can. Whatever I can do, you know that.”

Edward was looking out the floor to ceiling window at the dense woods, hesitating for several long seconds before he looked back at Carlisle. “I’m not sure if you know this, but…” He trailed off and Carlisle suddenly realized that the young man was embarrassed. He waited again. Finally the halting voice continued. “…I’ve never, when you changed me I was only seventeen and I hadn’t, what I mean to say is that I’ve never actually been with…anyone, you see.” His eyes were on the front lip of the desk, his hands in his lap. He stumbled on; his eyes fixed on the wood grain of the desktop. “Bella expects, and I’ve promised, that we’ll—try before she’s, before she’s changed and, aside from the obvious,  I’m afraid that, what I mean to say is that I’ll—perhaps hurt her as I’ve never, you know, I haven’t…”  He stopped speaking and Carlisle knew that if Edward’s heart was still pumping blood through his veins his face would likely be beet red.

In all the years they’d been together the subject of sex had never come up, at least not as it related to them personally. Certainly they all knew the basics, understood the physiology involved and the mechanics of the act itself, but as Carlisle wasn’t one to discuss that side of his relationship with Esme, it had simply never been broached. Of course Edward would have to be deaf and blind to have missed Emmett and Rosalie over the years and even Alice and Jasper had occasionally committed the rare indiscretion but somehow Edward always seemed removed from all of that.

“I’m sure you understand the risk you’re both taking; if you were to lose control….”

“Of course I do, for God’s sake!”

Carlisle was taken aback, Edward wasn’t prone to outbursts. “I’m merely pointing out that it’s common for a woman to bleed the first time or two and if you’re already in a heightened state it may be difficult fir you to hold yourself back.” He saw the tortured look on Edward’s face. “It will also be her first time, I gather?” The single nod answered his question. “I think it would be better for both of you to wait.”

“I know what you think—I think the same thing but I promised her we’d at least try and I need to know how to make it as safe as possible for her—please, Carlisle. Of course I’ll do anything I can to protect her but—please help me.”

Carlisle leaned back in his chair, considering. Several long seconds passed. “All right, clearly you know the fundamentals involved.’ Edward nodded. “Taken that, the best I can tell you is to be careful, take it slowly and be aware—very aware of what she may be feeling, both physically and emotionally. Then listen to that and use that as your guide.”

Edward shook his head. “That’s a bit obvious, isn’t it?”

“Most good advice usually is.” He paused, knowing Edward needed more help. “When I changed Esme, do you remember how it was for the two of us the first year or so? She was out of control like any newborn is. I was frankly afraid that she would do me damage and beyond that, she was still traumatized by the last few months of her previous life. It was pushed to the back of her mind, but it still surfaced now and then.”

“I remember.” It had been bad, even with the two men knowing how newborns reacted. Esme had been an animal in almost every sense of the word until, slowly, it had receded and she had become the wonder she was now. It had taken everything they could do to keep her under reasonable control and even then they’d failed now and then. It was likely that Bella would be the same. “But that’s her point; she wants to experience this while she’s human, before it becomes ‘difficult’.”

“Yes, well, we don’t always get what we want and what we want isn’t always what’s best, is it?”

“And in addition to that, I’m actually afraid of this, I could hurt her so easily.”

“Which is why you’ll be careful to not allow yourself to lose control, why I trust you to be able to hold back if necessary. You know that if I didn’t believe you could do this, I would have changed her myself by now, don’t you?”

Edward nodded; yes, he knew that.

“I suspect there may be another problem as well.” Carlisle nodded towards his office door, a cue for them to switch over to a purely mental conversation.

“What do you mean?”

“Forgive me for saying this, Edward, but you were raised by conservative Edwardian parents. I think, and I’ve thought this for a long time, that you may have issues regarding, well, regarding sex.”

“No, I don’t. I…”

“I’ve seen how you’ve rejected women who’ve offered themselves to you over the years; Tanya and the others. There was no reason for you to deny yourself release other than that you were clearly uncomfortable with the idea; you’ve often seemed almost angry when lovers in this house have become too obvious in their affections. I’m forced to wonder how you’ll deal with this side of your relationship with Bella.”

“Are you suggesting that I need top see a shrink to work out my issues?”

Carlisle smiled at the wry tone. “’Merely suggesting that it might be something for you to consider.”

“Thank you.”

“And you also realize, of course, that even if you should lose control, you could still use that opportunity to change her.”

“And have a do-over?”

Carlisle nodded with a small smile. “Exactly.”

 *          *          *

It was still dark, maybe four or so in the morning. The hunt had been successful and the three men were sitting, sated, comfortable and enjoying one another’s company. Relaxed, leaning against a couple of fallen trunks on soft pine needles, their legs stretched out in front of them; Edward’s Bachelor Party was going well. They were brothers, they were friends and they understood one another almost as well as people can understand one another. That was why Emmett and Jasper knew Edward had more on his mind than mountain lions or the first dance tomorrow night.

Edward was an interesting combination of boy and man; on one hand he was almost one hundred and ten years old with all the experiences and study an intelligent man would have accumulated in that time. On the other, he was still a seventeen year old with an occasionally hot temper and some vestige of innocence and naiveté remaining. In addition, he had never lost that Edwardian morality he’d been raised with, the idea that a man was a man and his purpose was to protect his wife, be the provider and act as head of the household. It was, by turns charming and infuriating.

And he was, finally, in love for the first time. He was besotted, obsessed, head over heels. It was wonderfully sweet and far too good a target to let get away unscathed.

“So, you and Bella all set for tomorrow?”

“I suppose so, between Alice, Esme and Renee, I assume that everything is under control.”

Emmett elbowed him in the ribs. “Jasper wasn’t talking about the flowers, man.”

“I heard Bella talking to Alice yesterday—she wasn’t talking about the menu. She was asking all kinds of things about Vamp-love.”

If Edward could blush this would have been the time, as it was he merely looked horrified. “Excuse me?”

Jasper smiled—baiting Edward was just too easy these last few months. “They were having a detailed discussion about the how’s and why’s of, what’s the current expression?—the deed.”

“Oh my God.” 

“From what I heard, she was asking about any ‘particular’ things you might enjoy and that sort of evolved into a discussion about the, shall we say nuts and bolts of the physical side of things.”

“Oh my God—the basics aren’t that different, are they? What did Alice tell her?”

Emmett took over, “She went on about the whole ‘if you love someone enough, you’ll know it’s right’ thing and then Bella stopped her and asked about specifics.”

“Oh my God. And then?”

“She brought up the whole thing about teeth and how Bella should really stay away from yours and then Alice ended up whispering something about how she should just lay back and pretend to enjoy it the first few times. Something like that, anyway.”

“You’re not serious. Please tell me you’re not serious.”

“After that I guess Bella was feeling sort of weird and so then she asked whether or not she should just stick with oral to be on the safe side…”

“Emmett, no!”

Emmett just shrugged. “Makes sense, y’know.” Edward’s face was paler than normal, his eyes wider and his mouth just slightly opened in horror.  “Anyway, then Esme walked in and they changed the subject.”

“Please tell me you’re joking.”

Emmett and Jasper exchanged an innocent look before Jasper placed a brotherly hand on Edward’s shoulder. “What? It sounds like pretty good advice, if you ask me.”

“But I could never, never ask her to…”

“Edward, this will your first time, too, right?” Jasper was staring him in the eyes. “We’re from different times; the 1860’s were pretty wide opened, even if I was raised to be a gentleman and Emmett here…” He nodded with his chin towards their big brother, “He was brought up in the backwoods with all those country girls and haystacks.”

“I assume you have a point with this.” Edward was getting testy.

“Of course I do, y’all was raised in a proper, straight-laced rich, Northern household with linen napkins and hot and cold running servants, right? You need to forget all that and…”

“And what? Just have at her? I could never—dear God, if I were to harm her in any way, if she were hurt in the slightest I could never forgive myself, I wouldn’t able to live with myself and…”  He stopped, looked at his brothers, shoving them both hard and suddenly, the two of them ending up slammed into a large pine, splintering the trunk and batting the pieces away like volleyballs. “Bastards.”

Jasper and Emmett broke into laughter which grew second by second until Edward was forced to join in, knowing he’d been well and truly had.

Finally Emmett was able to speak. “You love her, right? You’ll be fine and so will she. It ain’t a white glove game of lawn croquet, you have to learn to rock and roll. You should have seen me and Rose the first few years, we rocked the foundations.”

“I did see it, remember?”

“Oh, yeah.”

Jasper sat back down on the log. “You’re going to be fine, Edward—hell, this is the first time since 1950 we’ve seen you actually happy, this is good; she’s good for you. Just take it easy, listen to her and you’ll be all right.”

“You really think so?”

Jasper nodded, Emmett smiling as well. “You know how it is with us, it takes a lot but once we turn that corner, it’s forever. Get married tomorrow, go away with her, change her—change her soon—and you’ll be as settled as we are.”

“I’m worried about…”

Emmett rolled his eyes. “Oh spare me, Edward. Seriously, don’t start that again.”

“But…”

“I mean it. Don’t. You’re gonna be fine. Bella’s going to be fine. Alice will be happy as a pig in shit to have someone else to dress up. Carlisle and Esme are already talking about her like she’s one of the ‘kids’. I’m enjoying having someone new to torment and Jasper is happy to have someone else take all the attention for a change. ” 

“And Rosalie?”

Jasper took that one. “Rose will adjust. Eventually. Emmett’s right, don’t worry about it.”

“But I still think that…”

Jasper sighed in exasperation. “Edward, let it just lay there. Bella’s happy, we’re all happy for you both—especially you. We know it sort of sucked for you all this time, we’re happy for you. Deal with it, go with it and for once, don’t over analyze it.”

“Jas…”

“Laying there. Let it lay there, Edward.”

Edward almost nodded. “Thank you.”

“Our pleasure.”

1/26/09

Return to Twilight